


Shattered

by Painprince



Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017), Call Me by Your Name - André Aciman
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Boys In Love, Eating Disorders, Elio POV, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, First Love, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Oral Sex, Psychological Trauma, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-16
Updated: 2018-11-09
Packaged: 2019-03-19 13:48:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 59
Words: 114,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13705731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Painprince/pseuds/Painprince
Summary: Hey guys! This is my first fanfiction because I couldn’t resist these guys. Lots of smut, some non-con, and a whole lot of hurt/comfort. Comments and suggestions are appreciated!





	1. His Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This is my first fanfiction because I couldn’t resist these guys. Lots of smut, some non-con, and a whole lot of hurt/comfort. Comments and suggestions are appreciated!

“I’m nervous.” 

Why did I say I was nervous. Was I nervous? It didn’t matter because I knew internally that this was what I needed. Which at the moment was Oliver’s hand on top of mind, his cigarette casually burning beneath his fingers. My body was humming like a symphony. This felt like Vivaldi to me, intense, romantic, and slightly anxious. My body had been humming and taking on various symphonies in a way that excited and frightened me ever since we first shook hands in my fathers study. His hand caressed mine snd shook it slightly harder than necessary and ever since then I have been slightly harder than necessary. I had been living everyday in hopes of a conversation or a fleeting touch. I needed anything he would give me. If he wanted to hold me and stroke my back while I read him Chekhov that would be okay. If he wanted to whisper explicit obscenities in my ear while he brought me off so slowly with the same intensity that he gripped my hand with that day that tears pooled above my upper lip that would be more than okay. I wanted our sweat, saliva, and cum to mix into a concoction of love and lust that I would devour from his body. But what I wanted didn’t matter. I was starting to fear that I didn’t have a self concept anymore. That I didn’t have an awareness of where he ended and I began. Maybe that’s why all of a sudden I was second guessing what I believed to be the most natural carnal fantasy of my life. Oliver inside me. Inside my heart, soul, and body. But now that it was going to become a reality I was terrified. Not because I thought he would hurt me, actually quite the opposite. He would bring me such indescribable pleasure that I would die right then and there. That’s why in recent days of analyzing my dream of Oliver saying “You’ll kill me if you stop,” made me laugh. It really did seem humorous to me because surely the one to die by the others hand or cock would be me. I attribute this is to be the work of my subconscious and unrealistic fears of self-loathing. I knew my body wouldn’t be able to handle it and I didn’t want to embarrass myself. I didn’t want to cum from him just placing his hand under my shorts, but more importantly I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t want to cry and have Oliver feel like he had to take care of me even though that’s all I could ever wish for. I would sprawl out on a table with my feet tied to my wrists and an Apple settled between my teeth collecting drool as an offering. I’m here Oliver. Use me. Make me cry, make me cum just please don’t leave. Don’t leave. Oliver was going to leave. Would it be because of me, because I’m not enough. If I was, would he stay? My offering will never be enough. He will kill me by his hand or cock and leave me there to die. What a glorious way to die. 

“Elio, you okay?”

“Yah, just thinking.”

“About what?”

“I’m not going to tell you.”

“Well I can’t go talk to your mom right now.”

I tried to shove him with my hand and he caught it and placed my porcelain flesh against his tanned fluffy chest which settled on his heart like a magnetic pull. 

“Do you feel that?”

“Not as fast as mine.”

“You goose, Do you have to make everything a competition?”

“What’s my prize?” 

“Anything you want.” 

As usual Oliver’s words went from my loins straight to my heart. Anything I want. 

“Anything I want?”

“Yes, Elio what do you want?”

My hand was still attached to his heart and I wanted it. I wanted to hold it in my hand and feel it pump Oliver’s life force. I wanted to open up my chest and stick his heart on top of mine so they beat as one always and forever. 

“Your heart.” 

My voice broke at the word heart and I squeezed his chest along with the hair that resided there and fell in to him. He wrapped his arms around me and started rubbing my back in soothing circles. Something wet trailed from the top of my forehead to my nose. I lifted my chin from Oliver’s collarbone and looked up to find Oliver teary eyed. The only instinct I had was to lick his tears. I wanted to taste him but more importantly I wanted to taste his sadness because it existed. I didn’t know why but he was crying, in front of me, opening up his tear ducts for me to lick like a cat does with warm milk. In that moment I realized how greedy I was when it came to this man. I wanted his heart, his mind, his blood, his tears, his cock. 

“I feel like you’re devouring me.” 

Oliver’s voice came out low and husky and I prayed in that moment that he was holding me because I think I would have fallen without his arms enveloping my bones. 

“You know I was actually nervous I would cry tonight.” 

“Really? Why?”

“Either from pain or pleasure, maybe both.” 

“I never want to cause you pain Elio.” 

“But what if I want it?”

“Pain? No one wants to be in pain.” 

He brushed my curls to the side of my face and lowered his lips on to mine claiming me. His tears and our saliva mixed in a way that made me feel dizzy. 

“Oliver.”

I breathed against his neck because I couldn’t quite reach his ear. 

“Yes?”

“What do you want?”

“To make you happy.”

His answer fell out of his mouth so suddenly and unapologetically I felt a new kind of awe. To make me happy? What had I done to deserve this? 

“Oliver, but what if all I want is to make you happy?”

“You want my heart remember?”

“I do.” 

“It already belongs to you Elio.” 

I leaped into his arms and he caught me with ease. He tenderly laced his fingers underneath my thighs and started to walk towards his room. My room.


	2. His Body

He placed me gently on my bed never breaking contact with my open mouth. I loved kissing Oliver this way, I felt like we were breathing together. Suddenly I wasn’t nervous. My whole body relaxed and I folded into him completely. 

“Please.”

Oliver’s eyes connected with mine and I saw in his the way I felt all those lonely nights touching myself while I heard him walk around the balcony. He discarded my shirt as he spoke.

“Please what?”

“Anything.”

It was becoming increasingly hard to breathe as Oliver kissed down my body. My nerves were replaced with a hunger and a need that I had never felt before. When he got to my jeans I exhaled in hopes that he would stop torturing me. He opened the button on my jeans and then looked up at me. And just like that the indescribable lustful look in his eye was mixed with love and adoration. 

“You’re so beautiful.”

I blushed at his vocalization. I ran my fingers through his hair in an almost paternal way. I wanted to take care of him. While he was busy wrecking me with his fingers, tongue, and compliments I was simply laying there unable to speak or breathe. I was such a child. As if he sensed my change of aura he flipped me over and placed me on top of him with both my thighs spread over his. I thanked him internally for giving me control in that moment. I took the opportunity to start undressing him and placed open mouthed kisses from his ear to his abdomen. Seeing Oliver in a state that I was in only moments ago made me feel even closer to him than I already did. 

“Elio.”

My name came out as more of a moan than a statement and in that moment I loved my name. I loved it as much as Oliver’s because he said it the same way I had said his name earlier, with such love and longing it could make time stand still. I pulled off his red trunks in one motion with his help. I brought them to my nose and inhaled deeply as I looked at his cock. 

“You know what I did with these shorts?”

Oliver looked at me dumbstruck with his mouth open and wet from my previous kisses. 

“I put them on my head so I could smell you while I got on my bed on all fours and rocked back and forth fantasizing about you fucking me.”

Then before I could continue my pursuit on his body. He flipped me over and I threw the shorts to the side of the bed on the floor. With the button and zipper already undone from earlier Oliver pulled my jeans off my legs with one hand. He leaned in to kiss me when our cocks brushed together. We both hissed in each other’s mouths at the sensation. He licked a path down to my now weeping cock and started to finally touch me. My entire back arched into his chest. He snaked his right hand around my back to hold me as he massaged my cock. His gaze was so intense I felt myself starting to unravel.

“Oliver I think I’m gonna...”

Before I could finish he wrapped his apricot lips around my cock and slowly slurped me until his nose was buried in my pubic hair. He hallowed his cheeks and began to suck me in slow deep strokes. He was going so slow that I could feel my eyes role in the back of my head. I couldn’t speak I couldn’t even moan. My whole body stiffened suddenly as I held onto his hand which was now resting on my chest the other fondling my balls. I squeezed his hand and he looked up at me while I was still inside of him and the visual of that made me contract in his mouth. As I started to cum he released me from his mouth and quickly flipped me over so I was on all fours. He licked my asshole in the same way I had licked his tears and that caused me to cry. I was cumming so hard I couldn’t stop shaking and convulsing. Sensing my struggle he pushed me down so my cock was against the bed sheets and my ass perched into his mouth. 

“I can’t. Oliver I...”

I was so overstimulated that I could feel my ass pulsing on his tongue. Then I felt him wrap his red swimsuit around my cock letting the last spurts of cum soak it. The feeling of the swimsuit fabric and his tongue made me collapse. He continued assaulting my hole as I tried to take deep even breaths. 

“You okay baby?”

My mouth was too dry to speak and my body was too exhausted to move so I just smiled. He laid down next to me and kissed my upturned lips then traced his tongue up to my eyelids. As I was slowly coming down from my orgasmic high that Oliver induced I thought about the predicament that he must be in. I looked down to his cock which was now so red it was starting to turn purple at the head. I reached down to touch him and he bit down on the pillow he was laying on. I moved to straddle his hips and slowly lowered myself onto him with an ease I wasn’t expecting thanks to Oliver’s earlier ministrations. Oliver grabbed onto my hips as if I was doing something that frightened him. 

“Oliver are you ok?”

I breathed out in a pained tone that I didn’t even know I had.

“Am I ok? Elio, I’m... are you ok?”

“I don’t think I can be on top.” 

Oliver was so big I felt like I could feel him in my stomach and even though I loved that thought my body was rejecting him and turning me into a slave of my own inexperience. Oliver sat up and I cried out automatically. He lifted me off of him like I was on fire and placed me next to him. He kissed me so tenderly that despite the pain that was so deep inside me I felt myself getting hard again. I felt like it was all a metaphor for my emotional turmoil. The fact that what I desired most sent my body into a painful spell. But Oliver’s lips on mine brought me back to him. I needed to have him while he was here and let him have me. I wanted the pain as long as he promised to kiss me like that until the birds stopped chirping outside our window. 

“Elio, we don’t have to.”

“Do you not want to?”

Oliver looked at me like I had insulted him in a personal way.

“Of course, Elio that’s... that’s. I want you to be comfortable.”

“None of this is comfortable Oliver. It’ll hurt but I’ll heal then I’ll ache for you all over again. Please Oliver I want to ache because of you then for you all over again.”

It appeared that my words gave Oliver what he needed, whatever that was.

“Tell me if you want me to stop.”

“Promise me you’ll never stop.”

He laughed. Of all the responses his giggles sent me into a laughing fit as well. 

“I guess we don’t need a safe word then.”

Oliver winked at me then lowered his mouth onto my cock. I was still so sensitive that I reacted by squirming while he got me hard again. Oliver licked down to my balls then circled his tongue over my hole. He lifted my legs so my feet were laying next to my ears. I was surprisingly flexible and Oliver bending me so easily made me start to shake all over again. He spit into me twice and then started to circle his fingers around my hole. When Oliver slipped two fingers inside of me my cock instantly twitched. 

“What are you doing?”

“Does that feel good baby?”

Oliver was massaging a piece deep inside of me that was causing me to push my ass into his hand. He pressed his fingers slightly upwards and started to pump in and out of me at a punishing rate. 

“Oliver I’m gonna...”

Then he started circling his fingers inside of me excruciatingly slowly. 

“No you don’t. Not until I’m inside you.”

“You are inside me.” 

“My cock isn’t.”

I moaned at his words and his fingers simultaneously. Then they were gone. I opened my eyes not even realizing they were squeezed shut. The sight that I drank in was the most stunning image I had ever seen. The kindest, sexiest, most intelligent man I had ever met was staring down at me touching himself. 

“I need you.”

My confession gave me instant anxiety. I was completely exposed. I could feel tears prick my eyelids. I had known I’d needed him since we kissed in heaven but I hadn’t ever said it out loud and certainly not to him. Without breaking eye contact Oliver slowly pushed into my tender hole. He brought his head down to mine and nuzzled my nose with his and kissed me chastely. I knew what that meant. It meant Oliver couldn’t find words. He did the same thing when he left me to pick up papers after I told him everything and nothing about how much I was in love with him. But he came back then and he’s with me now. My insides were so hot I felt like I was on fire. Oliver hadn’t moved since he slipped all the way inside me. My body had been warming his cock as we breathed in and stared at each other having a silent conversation. 

“Please move.”

Again Oliver didn’t speak. He just rolled his abdomen into me. I gasped at the sensation. It was similar to when his fingers were inside me but so much more. I wanted it again. I felt myself getting greedy the more he moved. 

“Fuck.”

“Fuck.”

We both breathed back and forth. He suddenly sat back on his ass and lifted me so we were sitting up chest to chest with him still inside me. Now that my thighs were over his I started bouncing up and down so I could set the pace I was craving. Oliver began clawing at my back with unashamed primal passion. 

“Elio look at me.”

My eyes settled on his and I knew he was close. I wrapped both hands around the back of his neck and entwined them in his hair to brace my body incase I convulsed like the last time. I could see Oliver holding back because I wasn’t going to cum before him. I leaned my lips into his ear and breathed, “Let Go.” I could feel his cock start to twitch and swell inside me as he started to cum. He wrapped both of his arms around my back and shook similarly to the way I had earlier. He moaned directly in my ear as I stroked his hair. I could feel him grow softer inside me as his cum dripped down my legs. I wanted to close them and keep him inside me forever. He comically flopped on top of me causing me to fall back on the bed and just like that we were laughing. 

“Those shorts were a surprise.”

“Not for me. I’ve been paying attention to those for awhile.” 

“I’ve been paying attention to you for awhile.” 

“Really and what have you noticed.” 

“I could write many books about what I’ve noticed about you. But one thing that I noticed from tonight is that you look like an angel when you cum.”

Oliver leaned in and started sucking my neck. I absentmindedly placed my hand on his chest and instantly found his heart beat. He held his hand over mine and took a deep breath as if he was trying not to cry. In the same tone I said to him earlier I breathed softly in his ear, “Let go.”


	3. His Doubts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone that commented! I love hearing what you guys like and dislike. All suggestions and comments are welcome. This is going to be a pretty lengthy story. I have 15 chapters planned right now but it may be more. Hope you guys are enjoying it.

Oliver let his body fall into my lap. I ran my fingers gently through his hair as I felt his tears drip down my thighs to settle with the cum, previous tears, and sweat on the sheet. On the balcony I wanted to devour Oliver but in this moment I wanted to give him something. I didn’t know what because in all honesty I had no idea what he needed or why he was crying. I cry all the time and the only reason Oliver usually knows why is because I tell him. He lifted his head and looked at me his eyes slightly bloodshot. 

“Thank you.”

The words caressed my cheek the same way the warm breeze brushed over my face when I played the guitar and Oliver asked me what I was playing. I responded the same way. 

“Follow me.”

I leaped out of our bed and jumped into the bathroom actually trying to not get cum on the floor. What if it got stuck in the floor board cracks? What if Mafalda was cleaning the floors and discovered a dried substance years later? I assume it would be similar to me a few years after Oliver is gone; lonely, dried up, and crusty. Don’t cry Elio. Oliver needs you. That was always something I did to reel in my anxiety. If someone else needed my attention more than I needed whatever random ludicrous anxious thought violated my brain I persisted. Before my brain could catch up with my heart I felt Oliver’s arms around my waist his chin snuggled over my shoulder. I twisted my head and kissed him on the forehead. 

“You can tell me.”

“Tell you what.”

“Why you were crying.”

Oliver’s sudden change of expression actually put a thorn right through my side. It had been a long time since Oliver looked at me like I was child. With an expression of “Umm what do you think idiot.” I lowered my head like a defeated student who had just been scolded for not knowing the answer to the Calculus equation. Oliver lifted my chin with his fingertips and stared at my apologetically.”

“I’m sorry Elio. I’m... I’m so sorry. I... I’m sick I don’t know what’s wrong with me. 

I had to stop Oliver’s train. His thoughts were leading him to a place I had too much experience with; fear and self loathing and Oliver didn’t deserve to think of himself any less then I do. 

“Oliver.”

He gazed at me as if I had said a password. Potentially a secret password that the doorman waits for to let someone else into their secret place. Oh please Oliver let me into your secret place. I showed you mine. I showed you the place I read hundreds of books, played thousands of songs, and had an infinite amount of thoughts of what it would be like to be me but in love. Me. The most anxious and emotional person yet confident and zealous in front of others. I always thought of myself as a composer who chose the life of an actor. But I wasn’t an actor I was just lying to those around me. Lying about everything. 

“When you say my name I come back to you. Thank you. I’m sorry Elio.”

Oliver’s words brought me back as well. While I was slowly descending into the darkness of my lonely adolescence surrounded by books and simple minded teenagers Oliver came back to me; and I hadn’t even noticed. I needed to focus on him. I have my whole life to think about wanting to die because of not belonging. 

“What are you sorry about Oliver. I initiated this remember? I seduced you.” 

“Oh really.”

Was he really being cheeky in response to my over confident assumption. Of course he was. 

“Well you helped a little.”

His scowl was replaced with a smile that looked painful in the way kids refuse to let their parents make them laugh after not giving them something they want. But Oliver was not a child. Not like me. He was so much more than me. Why was he apologizing so much? 

“What are you sorry about?”

I sat on the floor and patted the floor mat as if to say “Please Oliver come sit and tell me. Talk to me forever or kiss me and never talk to me again unless its my name on your lips.”

“Everything Elio. Taking advantage of...”

“No you didn’t take advantage of me.”

“Elio if anyone knew about this other than your parents it would be my fault and it should be.”

“Advantage... fault... Oliver you didn’t take advantage of me. This is certainly not your fault. It’s no ones fault. Quite the opposite we have some god in the clouds to thank for this.

I couldn’t believe how insane I could be in the locked room of my mind but so rational in speech. Also how kind I could be to others and not to myself. But this wasn’t just anyone this was Oliver. 

“When you leave in two weeks and think about us and tonight with thoughts of hatred and the absurd idea that you took advantage of me I will fly to America and remind you how wrong you are.” 

He kissed me so deeply I felt my entire body whisper to my organs. You can’t live without him. He’s giving you air. He’s giving you your heartbeat. I grabbed onto his hair like I was starving for a kiss even though we were already connected. Oliver lifted his lips an inch off mine and placed his forehead on mine. 

“Call me by your name and I’ll call you by mine.”

In a moment I registered his request and for the first time since we’ve been in the bathroom I said something without giving it any prior thought. I just obeyed him.

“Elio.”

“Oliver.”

I couldn’t breathe. Hearing Oliver call me by his own name with the same intensity I spoke through the syllables made me transcend the small cubby-like bathroom. Oliver attached his mouth to my neck and started sucking at the most sensitive patch of flesh behind my ear. Simultaneously he started lazily stroking my cock.

“Elio.”

I couldn’t recognize my own name on my lips. It was a prayer and silent request surrendered to the night. It was him I was speaking to. He was Elio and I was Oliver. He was Oliver and I was Elio. We were both Elio. We were both Oliver. And our names given to us by our parents were now being interchanged by each other. We were like two beings at the end of a line brought together to form a circle in a never ending cycle of love and pain. Pain. There was a pain inside me I hadn’t taken note of. It wasn’t unbearable. In fact I was so disconnected I hadn’t even called attention to it until now because Oliver lifted me onto the sink. Suddenly Oliver dropped to his knees and breathed his own name on my cock. The consistent vocalization of his name made me painfully hard and light headed. The pain was just a light whisper in sea of crashing waves causing me to overflow. 

“I want to taste you.”

I had no issues with Oliver continuing his exploration but hours had gone by and I still had not put my mouth around him. He outstretched his hand with chivalrous intent to help me drop down to my feet. I took it and I was instantly proven wrong. He pulled me in tight and wrapped my legs around his waist and began to walk into the shower. 

“I don’t want to get wet.”

“A little late for that princess.”

As he spoke the word princess he circled his fingers around my cum coated hole. 

“You’re my king you know.”

“Well then I shouldn’t have said princess that would be insestual.” 

“You know some people would think what we’re doing is just as bad.”

Oliver started laughing so hard I could feel his stomach vibrate against my cock which actually caused me to let my head fall back. I heard a bang but didn’t feel it. 

“Oh my god, Elio are you ok.”

He was still laughing.

“I’m fine.”

“You look drunk.”

“Drunk in love.”

“I love your wit.”

“Is that the only thing you love about me.”

“I love everything about you.”

Like a light switch the tone was shifted from humorous to romantic. I pecked his lips and dislodged my legs from his. I slowly slid down his body so I was on my knees in front of him.

“You can’t love everything about me. You can’t love my mouth on your cock you haven’t felt it yet.”

“My imagination is killing me.”

I looked up with a doe eyed expression and placed my lips around the head of his cock while my tongue lapped at him. Oliver’s hands flew to my head and melted into my greasy curls. I started to open my throat as I tried to go deeper. When he hit the back of my throat I gagged and it turned me on more than I could have known. I moaned around him as I started to touch myself while never leaving his cock. My lust fueled gaze connected with his half lidded eyes. 

“You’ll kill me if you stop.”

What did he just say. You’ll kill me if you stop. It was even more desperate than in my dream. Was he in my dream? Is this a dream? Did I conjure him up from my own imagination. Was he me? 

“Elio... in your mouth... do you?”

I silenced Oliver’s babble with my tongue and hollowed out my cheeks expecting to swallow everything he gave me. Give me your doubts Oliver. Give me your sadness. Give me your love. I suddenly had an idea. When it rained in France I often opened my mouth wide and ready for any water the clouds would give me to keep my blood thumping. I stopped sucking him when I felt him stiffen and opened my mouth as wide as I could. 

“Oliver...”

The word came out as a scream which to anyone else could have sounded like a pleading prisoner begging for escape. There was no escape. I realized I was a slave to this connection when I came as soon as I felt the first spurt of his seed on my tongue. We were both breathing hard and I pulled Oliver’s hand down so he would lay with me on the shower floor. 

“Let me turn the shower on.”

Oliver flipped the knob on the shower and laid next to me. As the shower pelted us with hot water Oliver opened his mouth the same way I had just done and I copied him taking in some of the water. 

“Should we be drinking this water.”

Oliver started laughing.

“I have no idea.”

I looked at him. His mouth was still open and I took the opportunity to lick inside to feel his teeth, tongue, and cheeks. 

“You’re a vixen.”

“Do you think of me as a woman...”

Oliver tried to speak but I continued.

“...princess, vixen, I don’t mind I kinda like it but you can be honest.”

Oliver was now looking down in thought and contemplation. Oh how I wish I knew his every thought. 

“You’re a god. You don’t really have a gender to me. You’re a pixie of lust..”

He kissed my cheek.

“... an angel of love.”

He kissed my neck.

“... a princess of pride.”

He licked my belly button.

“... a vixen of sex.”

He swallowed my still soft cock and I moaned into the steamy shower. He lifted his head from me with a pop and kissed me deeply so I could taste myself. 

“...My king.”

“I’m your servant.”

My words came out without thought and I quickly wondered if they sounded needy. I was reassured by the look of awe on Oliver’s face.

“I don’t deserve you.”

“If it makes you feel any better I disagree.”

“You know how you were saying earlier we have someone to thank.”

I nodded.

“Thank you.”


	4. His Swimsuit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for the comments guys! Also just so everyone knows non-con chapters will have warnings before so no one is accidentally triggered. This chapter is another normal one in which Elio and Oliver love on each other. Enjoy chapter 4!

Oliver and I fell asleep on the shower floor but I woke up with his arms wrapped around me in our bed. His steadied breathing indicated to me that he was asleep. 

“You’re staring.”

Suddenly he opened his eyes and they instantly collided with mine.

“I thought you were asleep.” 

Oliver pulled me in so we were flush against each other. I felt his cock brush against mine and I could feel that he was just as hard as me. 

“Good morning.” 

He stroked my cock affectionately while he nuzzled his face into my neck.

“Are you sore.”

“No.” 

I was lying but for a good reason. I wanted him again and I knew that wouldn’t happen if Oliver thought I was in pain. Before I could reassure him further I felt him lift my leg onto his hip and his fingers began stroking at my entrance. 

“Something makes me think you’re lying.”

“I’m not.”

My voice quivered with uncertainty and I knew in that moment Oliver had figured me out.

“Really. I think I’m going to call your bluff.”

He sharply thrusted two fingers into my aching hole which caused me to fall into his chest and cock. Once he was knuckle deep inside me he caressed my cheek with his hand and held my head in place. 

“Don’t lie to me Elio. If you lie I’ll stop. Am I hurting you?” 

“Yes. But it feels good. Can I show you one day?”

“Show me what.”

“What it feels like to ache for two different reasons.”

My cock was so hard I was trying to thrust up into Oliver’s hip so he would release me of the sweetest tension that was flickering in my belly. 

“I’ve dreamt about you inside me.” 

When Oliver said the word inside I moaned in his mouth while I tried to gain traction against his fingers. 

“What do you want angel.” 

“Your cum inside me.” 

Before I could finish my wish he flipped me over so I was on top of him. He sat up with me and guided himself inside me. There was still cum inside me from a few hours ago so he slide in without difficulty. When he was buried all within me I remembered his words. “I’ve dreamt about you inside me.” Oh to be inside Oliver. If he let me I would worship him until he begged me to make him stop cumming. I would play his body like the piano and watch him struggle to find his sanity while I was fucking him. I looked down at him and noticed his eyelashes fluttering while he ran his hands up and down my thighs. I placed both of my hands on his chest and started rolling my body on top of his. He moaned into the pillow and grasped my hands for balance. I continued my lap dance on his cock while he looped his arms around my lower back and held me close to him. As I bounced my cock brushed up and down against his stomach. He grinned at me wickedly and put his fingers in my mouth. I started sucking them obediently as he stroked my cock with his other hand in time with his thrusts. All my limbs were shaking and I knew I shouldn’t have pushed my body this hard in a matter of hours. But there was something deep and dark inside me sending electricity through my blood stream with a quite whisper that echoed, “Let him hurt you. Let him love you. Let him fuck you. Let him devour you.” He dislodged his fingers from my mouth and rubbed the spit on my cock. 

“Cum for me Oliver.”

Hearing Oliver’s name on his lips, his cock in my ass, and my spit on my own cock allowed me to cum so hard I caused Oliver to start cumming. I felt him swell inside me and as he did he covered his mouth with mine and we swallowed each other’s vows of love and pleasure. I collapsed on his body and quickly closed my legs. I genuinely wanted to have his cum inside me for as long as possible. I knew all day wouldn’t be realistic but I wanted to go for a run in his green swim trunks with his cum slowly dripping out of my hole as I ran. 

“I think I’m going to go for a run.”

“Channeling your sex drive into exercise I see.”

“Well I need to find something to do other than hump you all day.”

“I beg the differ.” 

I slapped his chest lightheartedly and sauntered in the bathroom to put the green shorts on. Oliver was so open when he wore these trunks. When he wore them he often talked about Philosophy, Literature, and History. Hearing Oliver talk was like listening to the piano. His speech was rhythmic, his voice charismatic, and his intellect unparalleled. When I lifted the shorts up above my bony hipbones I tied the waistband in an extra knot so they wouldn’t fall down. When I walked back into my room Oliver was no longer occupying the space. When I opened my door I heard him laughing with my father downstairs. I couldn’t make out the topic of their conversation but I assumed it didn’t require my undivided attention. At the present moment the only place my attention was was on my aching hole that was dripping cum into Oliver’s swimsuit as I skipped down the stairs.

“I’m going running.”

I heard my mom, dad, and Oliver all echo,  
“Later.” 

I started running down through the apricot trees to a trail that would lead past heaven. It now seems ill fitting to call a place “heaven” because after waking up in Oliver’s arms, hearing my parents laughing with him, and now running along the country side of Crema it seemed that heaven had taken up residency in my heart.


	5. His Death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So this is going to be the non-con chapter, so be warned. This chapter is vital to the stories development but you can skip it and still follow the plot. Comments are appreciated always!

My feet thudded against the dirt road as I felt the cool breeze dance through my curls. My heart was thumping faster than it had last night. Well not necessarily faster but it was pumping my blood in a harsher way, almost violent. I felt an unease in my chest that I couldn’t quite explain. My anxiety swelled in my throat as I tried to take a labored breath to get my oxygen intake under control. Once I reached Crema I grabbed a bottle of water from the gambling bar and started to run back. How long had I been running? It would take me 2 hours to get back. Shit. How long did Oliver and I sleep in until? What time was it? By now I was 10 minutes outside of Crema and I wasn’t going to turn around to check the time. 

The clouds had gone from being dispersed white balls of cotton to a mass of grey with small galaxies of blue and white throughout. Fuck. It was going to rain and when it rained in Italy it poured. I picked up the pace as I collected more and more valid reasons to be a little on edge. I knew my special place was about half way between Crema and my house. Just run Elio. My chest was starting to buckle and my knees were beginning to ache. 

“I must be manic.”

I whispered my overtly honest humor to the atmosphere as I pushed my body forward. I must be manic. I hadn’t eaten yesterday because nothing mattered other than midnight. I just wasn’t hungry and I hadn’t eaten anything today. Not to mention I went on a 20 hour sex binge and cried enough to be dehydrated for a week. Then I decided to run to Crema? Jesus. Why was I so stupid? Then like a gift from a guardian angel I saw the bright purple flowers that grew above the pond. Finally I could rest. I collapsed on the long shards of grass and let my chest rise and fall just as fast as it did when Oliver kissed me right in this very spot. Fuck. The sky was getting grayer and I could feel the familiar chill of the impending sunset. 

Suddenly I heard a bike crash to the ground and automatically leaped from my sprawled position. Was someone hurt? Marzia occasionally bikes at this time.

“Damn it Marzia I told you to get that tire fixed.”

I muttered to myself as I walked to the root of the accident. Once I descended to the top of the road above the pond I felt a hand loop around the front of my neck and push against my windpipe. I snapped my eyes up and saw a man I didn’t recognize. 

“What the fuck let go of me!”

There were three other men behind him. One of them was laughing and the other two were stroking themselves above their jeans. The energy underneath my skin went from startled to terrified. Their malicious intent was clear. As I opened my mouth to scream he grabbed my hair and forced my head into the grass. I started thrashing; attempting to gain enough traction to strike him. I could hear all of them cackling from different areas around me. The sound electrocuted my blood vessels and I felt my nose start to release large amounts of blood into the grass and my mouth. 

“Please. Stop... I’ll I’ll...”

“Do what go back to fucking the teacher?”

Oliver. Where was Oliver. Were people doing this to him as well. No. He should be with my dad all day. With an auditory snap one of the other men grabbed my wrists and twisted them over my head.

“Come on we’ll take care of you just like he does pretty thing.”

I felt a new surge of adrenaline course through my veins. I started flailing and attempted to scream against the mans hand. I bit him as hard as I could and he fell back in agony.

“You little shit!”

I managed to get to my feet when another one tackled me to the ground and punched me square in the ribs. I collapsed on the ground while holding my stomach. Another man walked over and stared down at me as I gasped for air. 

“You were right Larry, he is beautiful. But he’s definitely hard work.”

The man looked back at the other man who was still holding his hand due to the bite. 

“Does anyone wanna help me out or are you all just gonna jack off.”

They all rushed toward me like they hadn’t eaten in years and I was the sweetest meal they’d ever seen. I felt bile rise in my mouth but my throat was contracting at such a pace that I couldn’t vomit. I counted four of them before I felt them pull me apart. One was holding my arms above my head and the other pulled down my swimsuit. Oliver’s swimsuit. I couldn’t hold my tears back anymore. I shattered when they removed him from me. He wasn’t protecting me anymore. I was nothing alone. I was a helpless child. I felt so much like a child in that moment. I was small. I was helpless. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t breathe. I just laid there limp while my body released blood, tears, and sobs. I braced as I felt the largest man penetrate me. It wasn’t painful and that thought sickened me. He was using Oliver’s cum to violate me and a new surge of anger assaulted me. I sat up with all my willpower and spit in his face. Just as I felt the liquid leave my lips the man to the right of me laced his finger around my throat and started chocking me. 

“Please stop. Please...”

I knew I couldn’t waste my breathe on speaking any longer. They weren’t going to stop. Oliver please stop them from killing me so you can torture me forever. 

“Oliver...”

I don’t know if I spoke it or my thoughts sent it into the universe. Suddenly the back of my head went numb and I made a decision that the best way to get through this was to put my head in the grass and let the earth absorb my blood and tears and silent prayers to Oliver. When I stopped bracing the man let go of my neck violently. I started coughing involuntarily while the man continued to push into me. I heard another round of laughter bounce off the walls of my eardrums. I tried to vomit into the grass but there was no food to discard. I don’t know how long it had been that I submitted to the violence. Time stopped and went on for eternity all at once. I must be in hell. A place where your body is taken because of your brains indiscretions. They all either entered my blood covered mouth or cum coated hole for an amount of time that only the devil is privy too. 

I felt death. It was so close I could grab on to it and let it take me. Anywhere but here. Death and I were twins born of the same womb. I felt in my soul through my pours that death was setting my free. 

“Come here angel.”

It spoke so clearly and indefinitely I knew it was over. As I slipped away I felt the rain melt all the substances of my abuse into the mud to be absorbed by the earth. 

“Purify me...”

I wanted to hear my name as the last thing to flow through my eardrums as I imagined caressing Oliver’s heart which was also mine. The name Elio met my ears and I smiled at the sound and feeling of Oliver’s heart thumping in my fading consciousness.


	6. His Angel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning non-con references and rape recovery. Thank you guys so much for the comments on the last chapter! As always let me know what you guys think!

“Elio please wake up... Elio please...”

I lifted my eyelids and saw the most familiar pair of eyes my soul had ever known. This must be heaven. Oliver’s here with me. He quickly removed his jacket and wrapped it around my shoulders hiding my nudity from the pouring rain.

“Thank god.”

Oliver gasped as he attempted to comb my hair that was soaked in blood behind my ears. Oliver’s entire body was trembling above me. 

“Who... who did this to you? How long have you been here? What hurts? Elio please... please talk to me.”

I couldn’t speak. My head was thumping so loudly that it muffled Oliver’s words. I only knew what he said from reading his lips. I tried to open my mouth and I felt nausea overtake me. Oliver guided my head towards the ground and stroked the back of my head as I vomited. When Oliver looked at what my body had discarded he froze. I pried my eyelids open so I could see what he was reacting to. It was a sea of red mixed with large amounts of a white substance. 

“Why didn’t I run with you... god damn it.”

“Then this would have happened to you too.”

My voice trembled with evidence of my trauma.

“How many were there?”

Oliver looked broken. All the color had drained from his face and he looked far older than his youthful age. Should I lie to him? I can’t tell him what they did to me. I can’t tell anyone. As I slowly resurfaced from my unconscious state I started to remember the events vividly. There were four. Four. I could feel their faces staring down at me still. My vision grew spotty. My hands grasped Oliver’s shirt as tightly as I could. I was trying to hold on. I was trying so hard not to panic but I couldn’t breathe.

“Elio...Elio breathe... it’s ok. I’m here I’m right here.”

Oliver scooped my trembling body into his arms and started to run toward the house. 

“Hold on you’re ok. You’ll be home soon. Everything will be ok.”

“Oliver... Oliver... I can’t breathe...”

I could feel so much yet I was completely numb from head to toe. I could feel Oliver lengthening his stride as his tears dripped down his neck and onto mine. I could feel my consciousness slipping as the rain continued to pelt my bones. I could feel my blood soaking through Oliver’s jacket. I was burning up and shaking from the cold simultaneously. When Oliver got to the door he burst through it and sprinted upstairs. He laid me on the bed and ran into the bathroom. I could hear him preparing a bath. I needed to be with him. I can’t be alone. I wouldn’t survive alone. I didn’t even know where I was. I knew I was at home but I wasn’t really anywhere. My body might have taken up residency in my room but my soul was disintegrating. I wanted to peel my skin off my body. I wanted to take a bar of soap and scrub my skin until I shed it like a reptile. When I tried to sit up with intent to stand Oliver rushed from the bathroom to stop me. 

“No, don’t stand. Lay down I want you to show me what hurts.”

I could tell Oliver was trying to stay composed. He was trying to play the part of the authoritarian, the rescuer, the adult. He flipped the light switch on and came to sit on the bed next to where I was laying. Oliver went to touch my shoulder then placed his hand back at his side not knowing where to touch me. 

“Can I take this off of you?”

I nodded and he slowly slipped his jacket over my shoulders and down to pool at my lower back. I was completely exposed and I had no idea the physical damage that had been done. Judging by the look on Oliver’s face I was in bad shape. 

“What hurts Elio. Try to pin point the pain.”

When I looked down I was shocked by how bathed my body was in purple and blue. I tried to talk but I still couldn’t. The words I tried to produce just came out as sobs. In that moment I think Oliver registered the severity of the situation in a way that I assume he didn’t want to think about. 

“I’m going give you a bath. Tell me at any point if there’s an intense pain in a specific location.”

As Oliver spoke he gently lifted me off the bed. Before he could lower me into the water I felt cum drop down my legs. 

“No...no.”

Oliver looked at me with such sadness and sorrow I let my forehead fall on top of his as we breathed together. I didn’t want to lay in a pool of water, blood, and cum. I wanted to shower. I wanted it to wash down a drain. 

“Shower.”

Oliver nodded and carried me into the shower. 

“Elio can you stand.”

“If you hold me.”

Oliver repositioned me so my entire body weight was against his chest. When the water started hitting my body I realized how freezing I was. The various stinging sensations made me cry out into Oliver’s chest. I reached around to open myself up to the water so all the cum could disappear. I clawed at my ass and attempted to pry my body open. 

“Elio stop you’re hurting yourself.”

“Let me do it!”

I pushed him back against the shower and instantly fell to the ground without him holding me. Oliver kneeled down next to me like I was a feral animal that could strike at any moment.

“Help me.”

I didn’t care how it sounded. I didn’t care who heard. 

“Let me take care of you Elio.”

I shook my head and let it fall on his chest. He stroked my hair so lightly it felt like a ghost was soothing me. 

“I’ll clean you just open your legs a little more.” 

He pulled my torso closer to his chest and reached around to relieve me of my attacker’s burden. I thrashed for part of him cleaning me, depending on where his hands sponged or soaped me. My ribs, neck, and hips were throbbing. The pain only intensified as I came to. 

“I can’t.”

I sobbed into his neck. I didn’t even know what I was talking about. But I did. I couldn’t do any of it. I couldn’t stand. I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t breathe. Oliver stroked my back and curls with more soap and began massaging my scalp. I could feel that my head and ass were both still bleeding. I didn’t want evidence. I had to stop the bleeding. How could I do that? I can’t. I’m helpless. My entire body ignited with a overwhelming sensation to scratch my skin. I couldn’t be in it anymore. I started scratching at my neck, chest, and asshole vigorously. 

“Elio stop. Don’t do this. Please! Elio look at me....”

He was trying to remove my hands from my decaying skin and placed them above my head. I froze. Oliver saw my instant change in expression and let my hands fall to my sides. I got up quickly and ran out of the shower thanks to the adrenaline pumping through my veins. I slipped on the damp floor and fell to my knees. I couldn’t be with him. I couldn’t be with anyone. I wanted to be alone for the rest of my life. I didn’t want to see another person again for fear that they would see me. Really see me and the evidence of what happened. Oliver didn’t deserve this. I didn’t want him to look or touch me anymore. He took my head in both of his hands and spoke directly to me.

“Oliver... Oliver... Oliver.”

I submitted to his declaration of love the second I heard his name and mine on his lips. Let him whisper that to me until I fall asleep or die knowing our pain was being experienced together. Oliver kneeled in front of me, wrapped me in a large fluffy towel, and carried me to the bed. 

“I’m so sorry Elio. I’m more sorry than you’ll ever know. I should have gone running with you. I should have been looking out for you. I should have protected you.”

I reached my hand up and caressed his lips. 

“Please hold me.”

I had no rational thought to say anything else. He wrapped his arms around me with feather like softness. I inhaled his scent and tried to relax my heart rate.

“Where are my parents?”

“They’re at the police station. They should be home any second.”

I nodded my head against his chest. 

“Sleep angel.”

An angel he says. An angel of destruction. An angel that destroys everything he touches. An angel that recieved a false promise of death. 

“A fallen angel, perhaps.”

I began to cry silently. Oliver kissed my forehead, nose, and then lips before settling next to my ear. Oliver scratched my back and neck soothingly as my aching body succumbed to sleep. If I’m truly an angel I won’t wake up.

“Please don’t leave Oliver.”

“I’m not going anywhere. Elio look at me. I’ll never leave you again.”


	7. His Pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Non-Con warning and rape recovery. I really appreciated your guys comments from last chapter. You guys keep me writing at a quicker rate then I normally would. Thanks! Enjoy.

“Fucking swallow you anorexic slut.”

How was this happening? Was I here? I wasn’t. I was a prisoner to the jail cell of my body and I couldn’t escape. Yet at the same time my spirit was just hovering right above my flesh looking down on me. Waiting. Just waiting for everything to be over. I did everything they said after I realized my struggle was only making it worse and causing more blows to my stomach and chest. I thought submitting would make it go quicker. That if I just laid there they’d finish faster. They used me for longer than I could have imagined. How long had it been? I was stirred back to my despicable reality when one them started touching my soft flesh. I had let them enter me but I couldn’t have them touching me intimately. The way Oliver had only hours before. 

“Please... don’t.”

Once they realized they found a weakness they tortured me with it until I fell into an unconscious chamber of darkness minutes or hours later.

“Elio... darling... wake up.”

The real world settled in slowly as I rose from my sleep. I was drenched in sweat and could feel that I wet the bed. My mom was sitting on a chair from the dinning room next to my bed holding my hand. I looked down at where our hands were joined and saw her thumb lightly caress my knuckles. I lifted my gaze to her eyes which were wet with tears and full of concern. 

“Elio, do you want to go to the hospital?”

“I don’t know.”

I didn’t know. I didn’t feel like Elio anymore. The boy that went running never came back. He was still running. Heart thumping, feet aching, on a perpetual country side stroll; thinking of how lucky he was. To get to have experiences with Oliver, his parents, Marzia, the piano. 

“I’m still here.”

“What?”

I heard Oliver speak over my shoulder.

“Nothing. I’m sorry guys I’m kind of out of it.”

“No... sweetheart don’t apologize.”  
“Elio...no don’t apologize.”

Oliver and my mother spoke soothing speech into both of my ears. I reached for my mom. She embraced me immediately and kept talking to Oliver over my shoulder.

“Oliver can you get some blankets, water, plastic bags and tell Sammy to start the car.”

Oliver paused not being familiar with the sound of my fathers first name. He nodded quickly and descended down the stairs. 

“Mom I’m scared.”

“I know sweetheart... I know.”

I started sobbing uncontrollably when I was alone with her. I hadn’t realized I was holding this type of hyperventilating fit inside of me until it started pouring out. She rocked me gently and started humming Beethoven in my ear. 

“You’re so strong my love. Never forget how strong you are.”

“Then why do I feel so weak?”

“Because sometimes terrible things happen to incredible people.”

My moms bluntness grounded me in reality. I was home with my mother. She was speaking to me no different then she had hours before. My mother had grown me inside of her and cared for me my entire life. She knew my strength, she knew my soul, and she knew my perseverance. 

“Thank you.”

“Of course my love.”

Her voice didn’t waver but I could feel her tears start to soak her shirt which I immediately recognized as being one of my fathers silk button downs that she normally tucks into her high waisted Levi’s. I took her scent of lemon soap, fabric softener, and lavender oil into my lungs and tried to heal my scars from the inside out. Oliver entered the room slightly out of breathe.

“Cars ready, I’ll clean him Annella.”

Oliver lifted me from my mother and cradled me in his arms. I decided in that moment, I would let the ones I loved take care of me. I had no fight left in me to pretend I was fine. 

“We’ll be in the car.”

My mom kissed my forehead while I was in Oliver’s arms then started yelling down to my father in Italian about driving carefully in the mud. Oliver stripped me of the shirt and shorts he put me in last night.

“Do you wanna take a bath or shower.”

Both sounded so painful I winced at the thought of either.

“Bath.”

I breathed the word into his chest and the only reason I knew he heard me was because I heard him flip the knob for hot bath water. He lowered me into the bath once it was half full.

“Is it too hot?”

I nodded no. I was having a hard time trying to speak while my bruises were pressing against the hard marble tub. 

“I’m done. I can’t anymore.”

Oliver lifted me as effortlessly as he placed me in the tub and wrapped me in another fresh towel. He carried me to my room and dressed me quickly. Most of my brusies and marks would be concealed under a shirt and shorts but not my neck. My neck had recieved the most trauma other than my ribs. I was chocked or held down by neck almost the entire time. I registered that Oliver was staring at my neck as I was thinking about it.

“How did someone do this to you?”

Oliver’s voice was a cracked whisper and I could tell he was trying to hold himself together. 

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Maybe one day we can.”

I buried my face in Oliver’s shoulder so I didn’t have to look at his angelic sorrow anymore. Oliver wrapped a white knit blanket around me and picked me up with ease. Once we got to the car I made eye contact with my dad and he rushed to me. He didn’t say a word he just kissed my cheek and told me a small story with his eyes. I would ask him what he was thinking in that moment another time. Oliver transferred my limp body into my fathers arms then got into the car. My father lowered me into Oliver’s lap and brushed my hair out of my face before walking around to the drivers side. My parents started to speak in Italian about how far away the hospital was, different ways to get there, and about the police report. I didn’t want to listen anymore.

“Mom, did you bring my headphones?”

“Yes. They’re in the green bag.”

Oliver reached over my torso and grabbed my cassette player and headphones. He delicately placed them over my ears and pressed the play button. I was met with the same Beethoven symphony my mom was humming in my ear only conversations ago. It was a string quartet, NO. 14 in a C minor. One of Oliver’s hands was lightly rubbing my back while the other was entwined in my fingers protectively. I let my eyelids fall and tried to focus on the music instead of the pain that coursed through me at alarmingly regular intervals. 

“Wake me up before we go into the hospital.”

Before Oliver could respond my mother’s speech floated to the back of the car.”

“Of course.”

When I wake I wanted to feel Oliver’s hand entwined in mine. Not more strangers poking and prodding at my shattered body. Could Oliver hold me in the hospital? Could he hold my hand? Could he calm me down by calling me by his name? Would people notice? Oliver brought his lips down to my ear.

“Stop thinking. I won’t leave. Sleep.”

I felt like a fool. I obeyed the order without question and drifted off between labored breaths.


	8. His Family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning rape recovery. As always thank you guys so much for your feedback and support. I really enjoyed writing this chapter so I hope you all enjoy reading. If I finish my exam prep there will be another chapter tonight. Fingers crossed!

I woke up on my own accord when the car jolted roughly in and out of a pothole. 

“You guys ok?”

Oliver and I both nodded. He was still holding me in the same position that I had fallen asleep in. My headphones were sitting on top of my green bag.

“I took them off you once you fell asleep.”

I smiled up at him. 

“What?”

In my sleepy daze I lifted my arm up to stroke a stray piece of blonde hair out of his face. I leaned up with all my strength and kissed him. My parents didn’t even miss a beat in their conversation about the American healthcare system. I let my lips fold into his as I attempted to inhale him. I wanted to thank him. I wanted to tell him all the things I couldn’t, with my lips instead of words. Suddenly I felt a shooting pain in my ribs that wrapped around my neck and spine which caused my body to buckle over. My mom wiped around so she was facing the back seat. I had started panting from trying to get control of my body. 

“I’m ok.”

I choked out the words as my mom placed her hand on the back of my neck. She traced my neck as if something should be there that was missing. There was but I hadn’t said anything about it.

“Ellie did they take your star?”

“No. They just ripped it off. I think it’s still in the grass.”

“Here.”

My dad voiced from the drivers side. 

“Once we’re done here we’ll go back and find it.” 

My dad smiled at me warmly and despite my escalating pain I felt an air of love surround me in my family’s car. Oliver got out of the car with me in his arms at the same time as my mom.

“I’m going to go park.”

“See you inside.”

My mom shut both car doors and started marching towards the glass ones. I buried my face in Oliver’s shoulder so I didn’t have to make eye contact with anyone I didn’t have to. I heard my mom talking at the front desk for less than a minute. The waiting room was a bilingual mixture of Italian and English. A small woman appeared from a back room. She had a high blonde ponytail and blue scrubs with little pink elephants all over. 

“You guys can follow me.”

We started down a hallway; made a right, a left, another right then were met with a pair of steel grey metal doors. 

“Why are we going into quarantine?”

I croaked out. The hallway inside was slightly dimmer than it was outside and reeked of bleach. The nurse spoke whilst still marching forward. 

“This is where all the HIV or potential HIV and AIDS patients are cared for. They don’t know what’s causing it yet or if it’s contagious but all the nurses and doctors here don’t wear the astronaut suits. We know it’s not contagious.”

I felt my bones tremble. I had a large lump in my throat that I just couldn’t swallow. I felt a pool of tears threaten to fall down my cheeks. We entered a room all the way at the end of the hall next to a restroom. 

“Ok Elio before the doctor comes in I’m just going to get your height, weight, pulse, and blood pressure.”

The nurse directed Oliver to a corner of the room with a chair, height tape, and a scale. 

“Do you think you can stand?”

The nurse’s words were sympathetic and genuine. I liked her. I didn’t want her to leave after. I prayed in that moment that my doctor was a woman. 

“I think so.”

Oliver slowly lowered me to my feet still completely supporting my weight. He looped his arm around my back and helped me walk to the scale. I stepped on and looked at the number. 109. I felt the tears from earlier silently fall down my cheeks. I was disappearing. My body fat was replaced with bruises, scars, and a broken spirit. I felt my knees buckle and I held onto the scale for support. 

“It’s ok. It’s ok hun. Oliver do you mind undressing him and placing him on the bed. We’ll continue everything from there. He shouldn’t be standing. Your mom and I will be outside just let us back in when you’re ready.”

Oliver nodded and placed my hips on the chair so he could remove my shorts and shirt. We were alone and I didn’t know if I wanted to take the opportunity to tell Oliver how terrified I was. I decided if I started talking about my fears I wouldn’t be able to stop and most likely would end up having a panic attack. Oliver looked at my nakedness and raked his eyes down my body. 

“How many people did this to you Elio?”

Why was he asking me this? Of all things right now, I did not want to think about the men or how many. He noticed my silent wall I had started to build brick by brick in my silence. I shouldn’t have a wall with Oliver. I should be connected to him. Be honest with him. Me not telling him isn’t going to protect him and it’s certainly not going to reverse what happened. 

“Four.”

Oliver released a breathe I didn’t know he was holding. He put the hospital gown on top of me and loosely tied it around my neck. 

“I’ll find them one day.”

He had a viciousness in his voice that scared me. Perhaps I was uncommonly sensitive but his comment shook me. 

“I don’t want you to hurt anyone Oliver. Just don’t leave. That’ll be enough.”

“You’re so selfless.”

He looked at me as intensely as the first night we made love and I felt the familiar warmth tingle in my stomach. Despite my pain and inevitable hardships I was still falling. Not in pain but in love. 

“You should let them in.”

He kissed me deeply before he went to open the door. I felt the kiss in my toes and was absentmindedly curling them when everyone entered. The nurse was gone but my mom, dad, and who I assumed to be the doctor stood around me. I was met with a gentle middle aged feminine face. The woman leaned down next to the chair so her face was level with mine. Her brown hair was pulled into a bun with grey chopsticks. 

“Elio.”

I looked up at her quickly and saw a pair of large green eyes. I saw care and exhaustion in them. She appeared to be already analyzing my predicament and bracing herself.

“Hi Elio, I’m Dr.Laura but you can call me Maureen. We’re going to take care of you, ok.”

I smiled at her but I couldn’t speak. She seemed to understand and stood to face my parents. I couldn’t hear what she was saying to them. After she was finished they both walked over to me, kissed me on the cheek, and told me they would be right outside and would see me after. After what? What was happening? I looked at the doctor pleadingly. I grabbed Oliver’s hand and he looked down at me in question. 

“Oliver’s staying Elio.”

I heard the doctors voice and exhaled a shaken breathe when I heard they weren’t going to take him away from me. I heard the door lock with a click. 

“Oliver you can put him on the bed and take the hospital gown off for the time being and place a blanket over him. ”

Once I was secured in the white sheets Oliver pulled a chair next to the bed and sat. I hadn’t realized how tired he looked. How long had it been since he slept? I was jostled from my thoughts of Oliver when I felt a stethoscope placed on my chest. 

“Deep breath. Good. Another. One more. Ok, Elio I’m going to remove the blanket to see what we have going on.”

The covers were covering me to my chin before she lifted it down to my hipbones. The fluorescent light highlighted and contoured my injuries in a chilling way. 

“How many hours ago did this happen?”

“Around 15.”

“How many men assaulted you?”

“Four.”

When questions were given with a medical connotation I didn’t feel as much pressure. It was fast, concise, and purposefully lacking emotion for that exact reason. Everything I needed. Oliver placed his hand over mine and laced our fingers together. The doctor smiled at us. 

“Are you two currently having sex?”

The question seemed invasive. But considering the reason for our visit and the fact that we were in the quarantine HIV section made me think otherwise. Oliver answered for both of us.

“Yes.”

“Ok. Do you mind getting tested as well?”

“No not at all.”

She smiled and then went back to asking questions directly to me. 

“Did they ejaculate inside of you.”

I nodded yes. 

“I assume you showered.” 

I nodded again.

“Why does that matter?”

“We can’t do a rape kit if you showered.” 

She scribbled quickly. 

“Don’t worry just try to relax ok. You’re safe.”

Her words did something to me. She was so sure of her space. Who knew how many hours she walked these halls? She was so calm and relaxed that it made me actually feel safe. The bang of her clipboard on a table brought me out of my thoughts and back to the white walled room. She rolled her chair back to the side of the bed and put green gloves on routinely. 

“I’m going to press down on certain areas of your body and you tell me 1-10 the level of pain you’re in.”

She placed her hand on my neck to feel around my windpipe and larynx. 

“8.”

I chocked out the number and she quickly removed her hands. 

“Does the inside of your throat hurt.”

I nodded yes again.

“Open your mouth and stick your tongue out.”

I did as I was told while I tried to focus my attention on the light touch of Oliver’s hand stroking my fingertips. 

“Are you having problems breathing.”

“Yes.”

She barely grazed my ribs and I arched in discomfort. Tears instantly escaped my eyes.

“9.”

The only reason I hadn’t said 10 is because there was a very specific canal of my body that I was saving that number for. She scribbled for another minute then looked back and forth from me to Oliver.

“I’m going to order an X-Ray for your ribs and an imaging test for internal bleeding. We’re going to hook you up to an IV to get some fluids in you to ease your pain and rehydrate you. We’re also going to get you a nasal cannula to help you breath and give you some extra oxygen. It’s almost noon so someone should come around soon with lunch if you’re hungry.”

“Thank you.”

My voice sounded much younger than I wanted it to but she didn’t seem to take note. 

“No problem. Rest for an hour or two while everything is set up, ok hun. Your parents are just filling out some paperwork outside.”

The way she said the word “hun” got my attention. It was so similar to the way the nurse had said it to me earlier. With the same care and quite tone.

“Are you related to the nurse from earlier?”

She stopped mid stride. She smiled with pride and warmth.

“Yes she’s my daughter. Oh and a social worker should be in around 5. We have specialists here.”

“Thank you.”

Oliver spoke sincerely and smiled at Maureen. Maureen’s daughter entered the room after her mother had departed and took her place next to the bed. She then started preparing my IV and breathing device. 

“I heard you cracked the paternity code.”

Oliver and I both laughed at her humor. 

“Quick poke.”

She inserted the needle and placed the small tubes into my nose. I let my eyelids flutter closed as she finished. 

“I’ll be back in an hour to get you for your X-rays. Sorry about the wait it’s a busy day.”

She shut the door softly then Oliver walked around the bed to the right hand side that the doctor and nurse were previously on. He lifted the covers and got into the twin sized bed with me. He easily scooped me into his arms without disturbing the tubes or IV. I felt such a strong sense of family in that moment. Three family units were caring for me. My parents, the medical family I had just met, and Oliver, which I prayed to the universe would be my family. I fell asleep at peace in my lovers arms while the breathing machine obnoxiously hummed in the background.


	9. His Fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments guys! I’ve decided to make this story either 25 or 30 chapters cause I’m just having too much fun. Comments and kudos are always appreciated!

Once the X-ray and all the various tests were done they told me I’d be moving to another room. 

“Why are they moving me?”

“You’re going to be here for a few nights and they want you to be comfortable.”

My dad tried to reassure me as we all made the journey to the other room. I was still limp in Oliver’s arms. Comfortable. The thought was nice but in reality I was in so much pain I felt like I was dying. We passed a man that looked to be Oliver’s age in a wheelchair. He was skinnier than me and had purple blotches all over his neck and face. Was that going to happen to me? Did I feel like I was dying because I was? Suddenly I felt bile rise in my throat. Calm down Elio. Relax. I was teetering on the edge. In my silent solidarity no one knew that I was right on the verge of falling apart. Suddenly my eyes connected with a man I instantly recognized. He was holding his bandaged hand and talking to the nurse about the “dog bite.”  
I felt my body urinate involuntarily. Then I started screaming. I began to thrash in Oliver’s arms when multiple nurses and doctors rushed toward me. 

“What happened!”

“Elio darling what’s wrong?”

“Get some sedation!”

I couldn’t see. My tears had blurred my vision and after I heard the word sedation my brain dissociated the voices as well. Everything was moving at half speed. They rushed me into a room and Oliver tried to place my trembling body on the bed. I held onto him so tight I think I left nail marks on his skin. He laid down with haste despite the urine that was dripping down my legs. He hugged me to him so I was sprawled on top and covered me with his arms. His lips grazed my neck and I felt the familiar vibration of his name and mine. I started dry heaving into his chest while attempting to get my breathe back. A light poke stung my upper arm then I felt a calming sleep spell wash over me. I swear in my slumber I could still hear Oliver’s voice. 

When I woke up I was clean and wrapped in my white knit blanket like a burrito. I turned my head and was met with a passed out Oliver. Guilt punched me in my side. How long had it been since Oliver showered? Since Oliver changed? Since Oliver slept? I stroked his cheek with my hand. I noticed my wrists had started to go from a deep indigo to a bright purple and yellow. I snapped my torso up when I heard the door open but it was just Maureen. My movement caused Oliver to also wake.

“Hey Soldier.”

“You look tired. Do you live here?”

Maureen laughed at my banter. 

“I actually did sleep in quarantine last night.”

“Did someone die?”

Maureen nodded. 

“Yes. Three patients. I was very fond of them.”

I awkwardly smiled at her. I was at a loss for words. Then as always Oliver rescued me. 

“They were so lucky to be in your care Maureen.”

“Oliver you’re so sweet. Thank you.”

She wiped her eyes and took a deep breath before putting her gloves on and walking toward me. She lifted her clipboard and began reading me the results. Normal. Normal. Negative. Negative. 

“You’ll come back in 6 months for another HIV test. Your perianal region and rectum have multiple abrasions and tears. And even though you’re in a severe amount of pain we don’t think surgery will be needed. I’m going to prescribe you some pain meds, keep you on the IV, and keep you on the breathing device. Try to rest and eat I’ll come see you after the social worker finishes.”

Social worker. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Not even Oliver. I didn’t want the new look of horror on a fresh face from seeing my ordeal. A tall woman who looked to be in her 50s or 60s entered the room. Her and Maureen stopped at the door and hugged. 

“They loved you sweetie.”

The woman held Maureen for another second then stepped back and closed the door. She had short grey hair, cat eye glasses that hung on her nose, and a long green and black floral dress that hung around her ankles. 

“You must be Elio. I’m Marzia.”

“My best friend is named Marzia.”

“Really? Well it’s a good name.”

“And you must be...”

“Oliver.”

“Oliver, do you mind if I talk to Elio alone?”

I automatically folded into Oliver and grasped his forearms. 

“Elio, he can stay if you’re ok with him listening. If it’s ok with you it’s ok with me.”

I nodded. 

“Ok, so we can do things in whatever order you want. I’m going to ask you questions about the attack, I’m going to ask you to describe what they looked like, and I need to take pictures of your injuries for the file.”

“Pictures first.”

I didn’t want to be photographed like a monkey in a zoo but I REALLY didn’t want to talk about what happened. 

“Ok, I’m just going to take pictures of your arms, back, and torso.”

Oliver lifted the blanket down to my hips and as I was expecting Marzia’s eyes settled on my injuries then back up to my eyes with concern. She lifted the camera and began to take pictures quickly. 

“Can you sit up for me?”

Oliver helped me sit up and she took pictures of my back which I knew had literal handprints all over. I felt sick. Oliver reached for a bag. He was getting to know the look on my face before I vomit. I threw up the bread and soup I had eaten for lunch and started to gasp for breath into the bag. My throat was on fire. Oliver passed me a bottle of water and a spoonful of honey. When I was done Marzia took the bag from me and threw it in the trash.

“Elio, we can talk tomorrow. Try to relax and get some sleep. Oh and Elio, that man you saw earlier. He was one of your attackers? Correct?”

I nodded. 

“Ok. Just so you know he’s in custody and your parents are speaking with police at the station. Get some sleep.”

I was so thankful that I could put off discussing my trauma even if it was only for 24 hours. I also felt a little better knowing one of them wasn’t walking the streets of Italy. Oliver took a damp towel from the counter and patted my lips and chin. 

“Can you read me something?”

“Of course. What do you want to hear?”

“Your voice.”

“Well I’m not going anywhere.”

“What do you mean?”

“What do you mean, what do you mean?”

Oliver was dancing around a subject I knew he wanted to avoid. 

“I mean are you still leaving in two weeks? Well, now a week and a half.”

“No Elio. I have no plans to leave Italy until you’re better.”

“I’ll never be better without you.”

“Then I’ll never leave.”

For the first time since Oliver entered my body I wept tears of joy. The type of tears that aren’t forced or contained. The type that flow freely down your face and into the crease of your smile. He kissed all my tears away and lifted my breathing tube into my nostrils. 

“I’ll tell your mom to bring Chekhov.”

In my fantasies I was reading him Chekhov but hours later the hum of his throat and vibration of his solar plexus was favorable to my prior vision.


	10. His 2:30 Conversation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got some awesome feedback in last chapters comments so thanks for that guys! This chapter is kind of a filler chapter but it'll come back in future chapter. Enjoy!

“Jesus... Christ come look at this.”

I felt one of the men grab my star. The other wrapped his hand around the chain and twisted it behind my neck. I wasn’t focused on the pain or what they were doing to my body all I was trying to do was breath. I was fighting so hard for oxygen I could feel my pulse thump against the chain. In the moment I thought the best thing to do was pull against the chain so it would break. I pushed my shoulders forward and tried to push out my Adam’s apple to sever the chain. It snapped the second I flexed my body. I returned to coughing and gasping for air. I thought they took Oliver from me when they removed his swimsuit from my body. I was wrong. Me having to snap my own necklace for fear of dying was worse. Is that what I was going to have to do with Oliver? Let him go, because if I held on he would kill me? 

“Elio... wake up! Stop...”

My eyelids flew open without warning and my surroundings took me by surprise. It took awhile to blink the tears out of my eyes. I felt Oliver lace his hands over my ears and through my hair.

“Elio... you’re here, you’re safe. We’re both in the hospital.” 

Everything felt so fuzzy. I had a slight wave of nausea that quickly passed. Then a painful knife inducing sensation erupted in my lower abdomen toward the front of my pelvis. I buckled over into Oliver’s lap. 

“Can I get a doctor in here!”

I heard quick paced foot steps scoot across the floor. I saw my room’s door slam and then was met with Maureen’s large eyes. She pressed a cold compress on my neck and forehead. 

“Can you hold these for me and keep him sitting up.”

Oliver placed his arm around my back and simply left it there unless I needed the support. My hands were resting on his waist and my head was laying limp on his shoulder. 

“Take some deep breaths for me hun. You’re hyperventilating yourself.”

She took my head off of Oliver’s shoulder and placed a thermometer in my mouth. 

“Was he scratching in his sleep.”

“He was starting to that’s why I woke him up.”

“How long was he asleep before he started scratching?”

“45 minutes maybe an hour. I was asleep for some of the time.”

I hated that they were talking about me like I wasn’t there. I felt so useless and broken. 

“I’m fine... I’m”

I couldn’t even finish what I was gonna say before my throat started to ache and contract. 

“Shhhhh... don’t talk baby.”

Oliver was rubbing my back with just the tips of his fingers which sent shivers down my spine. Maureen took the thermometer out of my mouth and looked at Oliver with frustration evident in her expression. 

“102. I’ll be right back guys.”

Maureen was gone less that 30 seconds before returning with a a tray full of pills and two syringes. I could hear her explaining everything to Oliver and he seemed to be ok with what they were going to give me. I was always skeptical and had various conspiracy theories about everything. In this moment however I was trusting and in so much pain. There was no way I could do anything to make this worse. I swallowed various pills, a baby pink liquid, and was poked with two needles. 

“Maureen, we need you in room 6!”

“I’ll be back soon. You can sponge him Oliver. Call for me if you need me.”

She rushed out the room as she spoke the last sentence. The door shutting behind her shut out the commotion and shuffling of equipment. Maureen’s daughter walked in wearing baby blue scrubs with clouds on them. Oliver spread his legs behind me and guided my back against his torso. He gently sponged my back and chest with cold water. The pain went from being excruciating to an ebb of discomfort. My head and nose felt fuzzy. I hope this meant the medication was working. As I took a deep inhale, attempting to fill my lungs, I felt a spell of relaxation soothe my bones. 

“What’s your name? I’m sure you’ve told me but I’ve already forgotten.”

Even though my brain registered that I slurred my words I wanted to find out her name so I could compliment her. 

“Cleo.”

“You’re very pretty, Cleo.”

I felt my eyelids flutter closed against my will.

“You guys need a room? Cause I can leave.”

Cleo giggled at Oliver’s comment. 

“I don’t think anyone can compete with you for Elio’s affection.” 

She winked at Oliver then took the sponge and bucket from him. 

“Do you know what time it is?”

I spoke to the room. Cleo responded instantly. 

“2:30 a.m.”

2:30. This was the third night I had stayed in the hospital. I wonder how uncomfortable Oliver was trying to get sleep in this twin bed entwined with me hooked up to tubes? 

“You can go sleep at the house tomorrow night. I truthfully don’t mind.”

I did. I didn’t want him to leave. I don’t know what I would do without him by my side to cradle me out of my night terrors and stroke my back while they inject me. 

“Nice try. You can’t get rid of me that easy.”

I looked at him with care, letting my eyes fall on his hair, eyes, nose, lips, chin, jaw, and neck. I kissed the side of his jaw and nuzzled into that spot. 

“Do you want to talk to the social worker tomorrow? Because maybe you could tell me and I could tell her. So you only have to tell me.” 

I had been avoiding talking about what happened. I kept telling the social worker, Marzia, tomorrow, tomorrow. I didn’t want tomorrow to ever come and for some reason it kept approaching so quickly. 

“Yes that’s ok.”

“Can I tell you tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow is today.”

“Then I’ll tell you today... later.”

“Later.”

He kissed my lips with a vulnerability that made me expose my red and purple neck to him without hesitation. He peppered kisses so softly against my raw flesh I could feel my throat opening for him. As if my airways were tied to his soul and he could open me up at his will. When he leaned his body flush against mine to peck my nose I felt his erection brush my hip. My throat contracted all over again. Again I couldn’t breath. I couldn’t feel... anything. I was suddenly petrified of the man in front of me. My brain didn’t even register it was Oliver. I laid there frozen other than my hands twitching nervously at my side. 

“Elio... I’m sorry... I’m not going to hurt you angel. Please. Please come back to me.”

“Elio. Elio. Elio.”

That’s the only way I knew how to go back to him. To plead with my own name. Save me from myself. Save yourself from me. 

“Oliver. Oliver. Oliver... look at me.”

Oliver pressed my hand to his heart and placed his hand on top of mine. I felt his heart thump in the same rhythm as mine. I connected my eyes with his and we breathed in unison. This was more than intimate, it was spiritual. He let go of my hand and looked at me without any physical contact connecting us. 

“It’s just my body reacting to you Elio. I would never...”

“Oliver I know I...”

“I know you know... I just had to say it so you could hear it.”

We had a moment of silence whisk through the air as Oliver placed me on the bed alone and spread his body out on two chairs. 

“What are you doing?”

“I think you’d sleep better if you slept alone.”

“No.”

I was so quick to be stubborn. Oliver laughed at my sudden flair of defiance. 

“Ok princess. Ok.”

He snuggled into my back and kissed my lips one final time before resting his chin on my shoulder, his lips slightly grazing my ear. 

“If only your kiss could bring me back from the dead.”

“Then you’d never die.”

“You’re gross.”

As I slipped off into my private flashback show of torture I tried to imagine Oliver and the idea of love. To me they were both the same concept.


	11. His Story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning Non-con references and rape recovery. I’m trying to update as fast as possible! I sound like a broken record but as always I LOVE to read everyone’s comments. I may not always respond because I’m busy updating but I read all of them. Thanks for all the support. Enjoy the next chapter!

I went the rest of the night without any visitors to my subconscious and if I did have any I didn’t remember. I instantly felt the absence of Oliver and that I was alone in the hospital bed. I felt something brush my hand and I snapped my eyes to the root of the sensation. My mother and father were sitting next to my bed in two chairs. My dad appeared to be sleeping but my mom was awake. 

“Mom are you really here?”

I had to make sure this wasn’t a dream. She kissed my scalp and ran her hand through my hair while her other hand stayed on top of mine. I noticed quickly that her knuckles were bandaged.

“Mom are you ok? What happened?”

“I’ll tell you later sweetheart. Go back to sleep.”

Before I could drift back into the dark I heard the door open and saw Oliver emerge from the hallway. He looked distraught and on the verge of tears. 

“How’d it go?”

My mother sounded curious yet sympathetic.

“Not great, actually awful, but I had to tell them.”

“Tell who what?”

I managed to wheeze the words out between breaths.

“I’ll explain later go back to sleep.”

“Why are you both treating me like a child.”

I heard my dad chuckle in his chair. Apparently he was now awake. 

“Elio I can’t speak for what Oliver is referring to but as for your moms’ hands. She... well... the man you saw earlier tried to run from the station when he was left alone in the waiting room in hand cuffs and... well your mother ran after him and...”

My dad was trying very hard to contain his laughter which only caused me to start giggling.

“Annella no you didn’t.”

By this point Oliver was laughing as well. 

“Yah I tackled that bastard to the ground.”

Oliver started howling with laughter as my dad looped his arm around my moms waist and leaned in to kiss her cheek. We all grinned and giggled together for another moment before I heard the door open again. 

“More meds.”

I heard Cleo’s light feminine voice spread through the room. She placed the tray on the side table and before she could depart Oliver got her attention.

“What time is Marzia coming in?”

“1.”

“Marzia is coming?”

“Marzia...”

Both my parents spoke over each other at the same time. Oliver explained that Marzia was the social worker and that I had to explain the incident in detail before she arrived.

“I can tell you now Oliver.”

I was done avoiding it. I wanted to tell him so I could get it over with and never have to hear the words “social worker” or “you need to talk about it eventually” again. My mom and dad stood slowly and stretched before they kissed me and Oliver. Then they started bantering as they transferred themselves to the chairs right outside the room. 

“What are you upset about?”

“You’re not even gonna talk to me you just wanna find out why I’m upset you goose.” 

“I’ll tell you if you tell me.”

Oliver took a deep inhale as if he was trying not to appear emotional or attached to the situation.

“I just got off the phone with my parents.”

“What did you tell them.”

“Pretty much everything.”

“What is everything?”

“About us, about you, about the fact that I’m staying in Italy and having my friends ship all my belongings over.”

“What did they say?”

“Their ignorance doesn’t need to be shared.”

I could only imagine what that must mean. I was quickly reminded in that moment that there were permanent consequences for Oliver’s decisions back in America.

“Oliver I don’t know what they said but it’s not true, none of it.”

“Thank you.”

He closed the distance between us and got underneath the covers with me. Oliver smelled like cologne, fabric softener, and hospital soap.

“Did you shower?”

“I did. Do you want to?”

“Maybe after we talk.”

Oliver nodded and began running his hand in circles around my belly. 

“Shouldn’t you be writing down what I’m about to say?”

“No, I’ll remember everything.”

There was a somberness in his voice. As if he really said “There is no way I’ll be able to forget what you went through once you tell me.” Did I really want Oliver to know the graphic details. No. But I had to because I really didn’t want to tell someone I had only met hours ago. 

“Just start from when you left the house.”

“Ok... well I ran all the way to Crema then I started to get nervous because the sun was setting so I started running back but I stopped at my special place to lie down and rest. I heard a bike crash and I thought it was Marzia so I ran up the slope and when I got to the top...

My left hand searched for his below the covers. Once I found his soft tender flesh I put my hand underneath his. 

“I felt a hand wrap around my neck then they shoved my face into the mud. They talked to each other most of the time. They all raped me. They all put themselves down my throat and made me swallow. If I fought they punched me in the ribs or cut off my oxygen intake. Before they left they twisted my star around my throat and yanked it off. I think it went on for 2 hours. It could have been more if could have been less. They made a comment about me “fucking the teacher” so they knew you. One of them was named Larry. Oh and one of them said that I was prettier in person or something like that so I think it was planned to a certain extent.”

I was shocked at how easily the story escaped my lips. I felt detached and uninvolved, I was simply stating the facts, nothing more.

“What type of things did they say to you? Or each other?”

“I don’t know why that’s important. Can I be done.”

“Yes. You did great. You’re so strong Elio. My survivor.”

I blushed at Oliver calling me his and proceeded to hide my red cheeks by placing my forehead on his chest. 

“Oliver I think I’m bleeding.”

My ass had been throbbing for days but after trying to go to the bathroom this morning I was in a severe amount of pain. 

“I’ll get the doctor.”

Before Oliver could swing his legs out of the bed Maureen entered the room with her clipboard. She instantly saw my face twisted in agony and rushed over. She delicately placed a thermometer in my mouth before speaking. 

“Can you turn over for me Elio?”

She inspected the main root of my ordeal. Then spoke directly to me.

“I’ll get you on more pain meds but there’s nothing else we can do other than keep it clean. It’s not enough blood for it to be internal bleeding. I think it’s just surface injury.”

She rubbed cream in and around me while I grasped at Oliver forearms for support. 

“Elio do you think you can stand I want to get your weight.”

I nodded. Oliver helped me to my feet, walked me over to the scaled, and placed me on top of it. 105. I had lost 4 pounds in three days. Maureen scribbled on her clipboard and looked directly into my eyes. 

“Elio you need to eat. I know you’re having a lot of nausea and lack of appetite but you need to give you body the fuel it needs to get better. And you also need help digesting all the medication. I’ll bring you a muffin and some cereal I want you to eat... ok.”

Even though I felt like I was being scolded I knew she only cared about my recovery and my health so I nodded again and smiled at her. She took the thermometer from my mouth. 

“100. Better. Keep staying strong ok. Oliver he can go back in bed. Cleo should be back to change the IV in a few.”

Oliver scooped me into his arms and placed me back on the bed.

“I feel like I’m disappearing.”

I ran my hands over my still purple and yellow ribs that were now poking through a thin layer of battered flesh. 

“Your mom brought you a lot of books.”

And just like that Oliver knew how to get my attention elsewhere.

“Can you read to me?”

“On one condition... you eat that muffin and cereal.”

I giggled and agreed to his conditions. 

“Can I shower today I feel disgusting.”

I had woken up in a pool of my own sweat two days in a row and I felt sticky. 

“Of course.”

Cleo came in with two trays for me and Oliver then proceeded to change the IV. 

“What’s the worst case you’ve ever seen in this hospital?”

Cleo looked at me and smiled somberly. 

“Personally or objectively?”

I thought about her question and decided after a moment of contemplation.

“Personally.”

“I delivered a still born baby last year. Her name was Ava.”

I felt my eyes instantly well up with tears. Cleo would be such a great mom. She was so nurturing and kind yet energetic. 

“I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have asked...”

“No don’t worry about it. I got to hold her.”

Tears began to fall down her blush covered cheeks as her mouth turned up into a smile. 

“She was beautiful.”

“Just like her mom.”

Cleo placed the IV back in my arm and smiled at me with her eyes. 

“It’s important to focus on what we have not what we lost.”

I sat with her words as she began to routinely sterilize the room.

“Did you lose yourself... when that happened?”

“For a long time... maybe still. I think about her everyday. She’s still with me. I think she’s my guardian angel but I’m sappy like that.”

“Cleo we need an extra pair of hands in room 4.”

Someone bellowed the request through the door after banging on it.

“Excuse me.”

She ran out quickly. 

“You know you constantly surprise me with your compassion.”

I felt Oliver’s compliment in the ventricles of my heart. My chest swelled with love and adoration. “Focus on what you have not what you’ve lost.” Oliver was here. He wasn’t gone. He wasn’t lost and I needed to start appreciating that. 

“I’m sleepy.”

“Come here angel.”

My ears perked up. I recognized the phrase and inflection but I didn’t know where from. Then it dawned on me. 

“Did you say that to me when you found me above the pond.”

“I don’t know... maybe... I don’t remember.”

“I thought it was god or the universe or death maybe. When I heard you say it I thought I was drifting away. That someone was making me an angel in my departure to the unknown.”

Oliver looked at me in awe and brought my forehead down to his. 

“You are an angel. Sent down to rescue me.”

That sounded ironic to me considering Oliver had in fact rescued me multiple times. He rescued me from my nerves our first night together and from my death only hours later. I started to drift off into sleep when I thought about Cleo and her daughter. 

“She loves you.”

I don’t know if I spoke it or thought it but I needed her to know. I knew that I was loved and Ava deserved to know too.


	12. His 6th Morning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments! I should be updating again this evening! Enjoy.

I gazed over Oliver’s chest to my wrist watch which read 7:10 a.m. 6 days 4 hours and some 30 minutes I had been in the hospital thus far. My skin felt clammy and looked even more pale than usual in the fluorescent lighting. I wanted to go outside.

“Can you take me outside today?”

“If the doctor says yes.”

He answered and moments later I heard the familiar even breath of his unconscious followed by a hum that turned into a snore. Oliver had taken up residency in the hospital full time. The entire time he hadn’t left me. The hospital room looked lived in to a certain extent. The red hospital chairs were decorated with books and Oliver’s button downs. He read various books to me and I to him during the day and night. He read more often to me because of the still present soreness in, around, and outside of my throat. The chair also had banana bread Mafalda had told my mother to bring for me. My parents visited daily and usually stayed the entire day. I often felt suffocated and irritated by all the attention but I decided when I almost fell off the weight scale that they do have a reason to be concerned. I truthfully felt better though. I mean not great nor normal but better. I hadn’t had a nightmare since the 3rd night. 

“Go to sleep.”

I heard Oliver grumble next to me. I knew I was fidgeting but I hadn’t thought he noticed.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry just come sleep.”

He opened his arms comically and I laid right in between them. I started to laugh as he encased me in his embrace and kissed my forehead. 

“Can you see if I still have handprints on my back?”

“Not right now. Why do you always ask that?”

I knew why but I didn’t want to tell him for fear of his response. So I stayed silent my eyes glued to the bed. 

“Turn around.”

Oliver’s voice was gentler than before as if he was trying to soothe a wounded puppy. He opened my hospital gown with care then tied it after a few moments of tracing different areas of my back with his palm.

“Yes most of them are still there. Why do you ask me to check so frequently?”

I contemplated whether I should answer honestly or embellish.

“Because I just want to swim in the river. I don’t care if they all see my bruises but the handprints. They’re vulgar. I don’t want them on my body anymore.”

I decided on honestly. 

“Turn around”

His voice was low and unused and I felt a rush of blood course through my body. Then I felt his lips on my back. I had memorized where the handprints were and I hoped he didn’t kiss within one of them. I hated them. I hated them more than any mark or ache on or in my body. Then I felt him kiss one, two, three...”

“Stop.”

He folded his arms around my chest and pulled me flush against him. I relaxed when his breath ghosted over my ear. I leaned my head back and was granted with sight of his eyes and lips. I leaned in and kissed him in a way I instantly regretted. I didn’t want to tease him because in truth I was not prepared emotionally or physically for any act of intimacy. The back of his throat vibrated with lust and I felt the back of my head begin to go numb. Was he holding my head? Before I could question the situation further Oliver got up and shut the blinds and locked the door. 

“Oliver I don’t think I can I....”

I hadn’t realized I started shaking. I held my hands together to try to stop them from vibrating against the metal bed panel. 

“Elio... no... no... you misunderstood. Shhhh it’s ok.”

He hugged me to him and stroked his fingers through my hair. A few minutes later I spoke. 

“If I hadn’t started shaking and blubbering like a baby what would you have done? You can tell me.”

“I wanted to taste you. If you’d let me.”

“Have these 6 days been hard for you... you know in that way.”

Oliver laughed and kissed my knuckles before speaking.

“Elio. It’s been hard but not for the reasons you’re suggesting.”

“Then what?”

“Seeing you hurt, seeing you in pain, feeling you shake, holding you while you vomit... I worry and worry and worry... that’s what’s hard.”

“So you didn’t lock the door to make a move?”

“I was thinking about it.”

“Tell me.”

“Tell you what?”

“What you were going to do.”

“I’d rather show you.”

I smirked at him and when he gazed back at me and I felt my entire body turn into jello. I was limp and in awe of him. His hair was in ruffled blonde waves and his chin was speckled with unshaven hair. His sapphire eyes bled into my hazel ones in a concoction of love and understanding. He leaned in without breaking our connection and kissed my jaw.

“I would have done this.”

He rubbed my arms, back, chest, and legs. I noticed him avoiding few parts of my body. I reached to hold onto his shoulders but as I leaned in he kissed my ear then held me flush against him. 

“That’s it?”

“Not satisfied.”

“You said you wanted to taste me.”

“I did.”

He licked my cheek obnoxiously as he spoke. After our eyes connected the energy turned lustful and I felt my heart begin to race. 

“Do you want me to taste you Elio?”

“I don’t know.”

“Just tell me if you want me to stop.”

I wasn’t shaking or feeling sick at the moment so I tried to collect myself. Oliver sensed my awkwardness and guided me back to lay on the bed. He lifted my hospital gown up and started gently caressing my thighs and stomach. Despite my trauma I hadn’t touched myself in days and feeling Oliver’s hand finally on my flesh made me jump. 

“You ok?”

“Yah. Feels good.”

Oliver smiled and licked me. I moaned so deeply I worried other patients could hear. Instantly all worries of anyone other than Oliver absolved when he swallowed me into his throat. 

“Not gonna last... long.”

I laced my hands in his hair and let my head fall back. Oliver’s mouth felt so good I had to steady myself by placing another hand in the sheets. I felt my body start to shake for a different reason than Oliver had mentioned earlier. He only increased his suction and pace as I unraveled underneath him. My vocal chords had been temporarily stunted as I came silently writhing on the bed. He swallowed me with ease and began to lick all around me. I felt like he was cleansing and cleaning me. When he licked over my most sensitive spot on my cock I flinched from sensitivity. He then scooped me into his arms and began rubbing my back the same way as earlier. 

“Thank you.”

That was the only thing I could think to say. My brain wasn’t working particularly well anyway. Oliver laid back down with me and spoke tenderly. 

“Sleep.”

“Did you just do all that so I would sleep.”

“Maybe.”

He kissed my lips and went back to the exact position he woke up in.


	13. His Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always thank you guys for the comments. It looks like this is going to be about 30 chapters but we’ll see. Enjoy chapter 13!

I tried to bite the grass to quiet my cries. I knew they were taking pleasure in my pain and I didn’t want to give them the satisfaction. One of the men had my hands behind my back and was pushing into me relentlessly. The rest were watching and occasionally would put themselves inside my mouth. Had they all came? Would they leave once they did? Would they kill me after? Is this just the opening act of my slaughter? I heard one of them mumble something to another and then they were all pushing down on me. I felt 6 hands press on various parts of my back unfathomably hard. I started coughing and wheezing automatically. I forced my bruised ribs to push past the soil so I could breathe. A small part of me could breathe so I was just squirming the entire time in immense agony. 

“Look at his back!”

“You’re such a good canvas, pretty boy.”

The one that was holding my hands behind my back threw them to the side and jumped off of me.

“Whose next?”

I heard them cackle and I saw the one I feared the most approach. He had choked me more than five times now and was particularly violent. I looked down to avoid his eyes and in a daze got on all fours so I could open my chest to breathe better. 

“Going somewhere sweetie?”

He grabbed me by my neck and flipped me over so I was on my back. 

“Oliver’s not here.”

Oliver. Did I say his name without knowing it? Or did he know I was with him? 

I felt my consciousness slipping then I was awoken by him pushing past my bleeding hole. I groaned when a new wave of pain knifed me in my guts. 

“Please... I can’t anymore.”

“Elio... wake up.”

I was met with a standing Oliver wearing a classic expression of concern and carrying a plate of food.

“You have to eat all of this. Are you ok?”

“Yah I just had a nightmare.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Do you want me to talk or eat?”

He looked at me in recognition to my sarcasm and placed the tray on my lap. 

“It was about when they did that to my back.”

I motioned to the handprints as I took a bite of a bright red apple. 

“How’d they do it?”

He started absentmindedly rubbing my thigh as I ate. I spoke now through mouthfuls of cereal.

“I was face down on the grass and they all pushed me down for a few minutes.”

I was feeling surprisingly unemotional while talking about it. I suppose it’s pretty taxing for your brain to flood your body with chemicals of fear every second and I was also focused on the food. After a few seconds I noticed Oliver hadn’t responded. When I looked up I saw him wiping his eyes on his sleeve. I didn’t say anything. I just put the plate to the side and swung my legs over the bed so I was sitting next to him. I took his face in my hands and kissed his tears the same way I had that night on the balcony. We held each other for potentially an hour or more. We didn’t say anything because in that moment for me words seemed a useless method of communication. I assumed Oliver felt the same way because of his silence. A knock on the door snapped Oliver out of my arms and toward the sound.

“Shit, I forgot to unlock it.”

I started giggling because I knew that unless it was Cleo we were about to receive a lecture. 

“Hi Annella.”

Oliver hugged my mother and moved his shirts and books over to the other chair so she could sit next to me. I immediately noticed she took her bandages off her knuckles. They were coated with large purple dots and a few scrapes. I decided I would ask her about that incident at home.

“Hi darling.”

My mom combed her fingers and injured knuckles through my hair and started to pack up some books and cassettes. 

“Am I leaving today?”

“I think so. The doctor said she wants to ask you some questions and do one more physical exam.”

I wanted to go home desperately for many reasons. One was that my fingers felt stiff and unused from not gliding them across the piano. Another was that I wanted to be in my room and not smell bleach anymore. However, I was so thankful for the staff at the hospital. Marzia, Maureen, and Cleo made everything easier for me and I felt immensely lucky. 

“But Maureen has already told me that you need to take it easy Elio. No swimming, no running, no biking, no drinking, and no smoking. Oliver you must help me keep an eye on him.”

“Ahh yes, he’s incorrigible. He’ll be watched.” 

My mom and I both giggled at Oliver’s humor and then I heard the door open. 

“Sounds like a party in here. How are you feeling hun?”

Maureen walked toward me after washing her hands and snapped gloves on. 

“Better.”

“Did you go to the bathroom last night?”

I shook my head no.

“Ok I might give you a laxative if you don’t by noon. Deep breath. Good. Do you still feel like you’re fighting for breath?”

“No, everything still aches when I breath but it’s not really restricted anymore if that makes sense.”

“Yes... breath in one more time. Ok let’s get you on the scale.”

Oliver stood to attention ready to assist me but I motioned for him to sit cause I knew I could stand and walk on my own. Maureen held my hand when I went to step up on the scale. 109. Same weight I came in with. No less no more. Maybe that mirrored my mental health as well. I was not better nor worse from when I came here six days ago. Which for me was a good enough reason to go home because whatever positive progress I could make in a hospital could also be had at home. 

“Alright, mom what’s a good appointment date for you guys next week?”

The doctor spoke directly to my mom but also looked from Oliver to me. 

“Is Thursday ok?”

“Thursday’s are usually good just confirm with the front desk.”

“I’m going to go make that appointment, I’ll be right back.”

My mom stood and started toward the door.

“Mom where is dad?”

“He’s at the police station.”

“What? Why?”

“A boy got raped by three men in the city last night and the police think it may have been the men that hurt you. If you’re feeling up to it today or tomorrow you can identify them.”

My mom read me like a book and noticed my change in demeanor immediately. She walked back over to the bed and leaned over me. 

“Sweetheart remember you’re safe ok.”

She kissed my forehead and moved my hair out of my eyes. 

“I can’t wait to shower at home.”

My mom scoffed lightheartedly and walked out the door toward the front desk. 

“Ready for your last physical?”

As Maureen spoke I untied my hospital gown and let it fall to my hips. 

“I can’t believe all these are still here.”

I don’t know what bruises she was referring to but it could have been any of them. They were all still there. The colors had changed slightly and they had mutated to different shapes and sizes throughout the past few days. 

“Despite your appearance I don’t mind clearing you to go home but Elio I’m most concerned about you psychologically.”

I was worried as well. But it was because of my innate self awareness that I had nothing to say. 

“I’m going to have you talk to Marzia so she can give you all the options for coping from a psychiatric and therapeutic point of view.”

I nodded and felt Oliver lay his hand over mine. 

“Ok guys I’ll be back at 12 with all your paperwork and instructions for at home care. Try to go to the bathroom...”

Maureen had a habit of talking while exiting the room and I don’t know if she had more to say after bathroom or if that was the end of her comment. 

“I’m really excited to go home. Oliver... where do you feel like home is... for you?”

Oliver looked up from the chair and smiled warmly. 

“Lately home just feels like wherever I’m with you.”

I felt my cheeks blush with embarrassment at his honesty. 

“Does that mean we can go anywhere?”

“Right now no. Right now you need to stay in Italy with your family and get better.”

“I am better! You heard her! I can dance, I can fly, I can sing!”

I leaped out of the bed and acted out each talent I claimed I could do. I started laughing at my own exuberance then felt the familiar stabbing sensation explode through my ribs and I immediately hunched over. 

“Elio are you ok?”

In half a second Oliver had me in his arms and then back in the bed.

“I’m useless aren’t I.”

“You’re far from useless. You’re full of life and unfortunately I don’t think your body had caught up to your brain quite yet. But one day it will and we will travel. We’ll have homes all over the world that won’t be ours in writing but ours in spirit. We’ll make memories from France to Egypt. I promise I will spend the rest of my life trying to apologize for not being there for you that night. I’m so sorry Elio.”

I cut Oliver off with a kiss that I couldn’t contain any longer. I slipped my tongue into him and licked the roof of his mouth. I felt so overwhelmed by him and his words I had no immediate response other than this. Then the words flooded out of me.

“It’s not your fault Oliver. I never want you to feel like this could have been prevented. I don’t want you to try to make anything up to me. You make everything better just by existing. Just by being here and being so good to me. God. Oliver you’re so perfect to me. I’m so grateful for you. I love you.”

The last three words came out so naturally I hadn’t even noticed I had said them. Oliver lifted the blanket from the bed and scooped me into his arms. 

“I love you Elio... Oliver.”

We kissed and breathed as one swapping each other’s names back and forth until we heard a knock at the door.

“Did we lock it?”

“No but silence probably spoke for itself.”

Oliver smiled at me in a way that I hadn’t seen since everything changed. He looked happy and hopeful as if there were no bounds on our life despite the hardships and trauma. He was so positive and understanding. To travel the world with Oliver. I would be so lucky to share the universe and world with him. I decided to rest with this as I felt my eyelids flutter closed. I prayed that I dreamt about our future endeavors and not a nameless man’s hand around my throat.


	14. His Phone Call

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys I really appreciate comments and suggestions! I’ll try to update tomorrow again. Thanks for following! Enjoy.

My intention to sleep was cut short when Oliver opened the door. My mom, dad, Marzia, Cleo, and Maureen all entered talking loudly to one another. Cleo was holding a cake, my mom was holding an envelope, and Maureen had a plastic container filled with smaller pill containers. 

“I don’t know what I’m more excited for; the pills or the cake.”

“They’ll both make you feel better.”

I smiled up at Oliver who was now standing next to the bed. 

“Ok first, home run-down then celebrate.”

Maureen sat in her usual rolling chair on the right side of the bed and placed the pill box in my hand. 

“Ok so they’re all marked morning or night. These white ones are the anti-nausea and these are the anti-anxiety that Marzia prescribed. They’re only in case of emergency because they’re strong. If you’re feeling anxious or depressed it’s important you reach out to anyone in this room. They all love you very much Elio let them take care of you ok?”

“Yes Nurse Ratchet.”

The whole room erupted into laughter and that caused a smile to creep up on me. Maureen patted my hand with affection as Cleo placed the cake on the bedside table. 

“I also have something for you.”

My mom walked up to the bed and gazed down at me warmly.

“Here darling.”

She handed me a large envelope and kissed me on my forehead as I opened it. 

“Voucher for two tickets to anywhere adventure may take you.”

I turned it around and saw a quote written in Oliver’s handwriting.

“The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till the other is ready.” -HDT

I was speechless. I was so happy I couldn’t contain my joy.

“Is this real?”

Everyone started laughing then I heard Cleo ask who wanted what corners of the cake. I was still trying to process the gift I had been given. A promise on a piece of paper had left me feeling overjoyed and humbled. I was so busy reading both sides of the parchment over and over I hadn’t noticed Oliver wasn’t in the room. 

“Mom where is Oliver?”

“He had to take a phone call.”

“Ok I’m going to go check on him. The phone booth is just right outside the grey doors right?”

“Yes to the left...”

My dad yelled to me but I was already briskly walking down the halls. I made eye contact with someone that instantly looked perplexed by my presence. I thought this was odd then I remembered three days ago I flailed like an animal in these halls and had to be sedated. So I assumed that was the reasoning for his expression. So much had changed since that day. For one I could walk somewhat easily despite the dull ever present ache in my entire body. I was brought to a halt when I saw Oliver hunched over the pay phone. 

“You can’t do that... mom please.”

I saw Oliver hang up the phone violently and rake his fingers harshly through his hair. 

“Oliver are you ok?”

I regretted my idiotic phrasing immediately. Of course he wasn’t ok. Why would you ask a question you already know the answer to? 

“No.”

I was shocked that he answered but also in that way. I could see Oliver’s hand visibly shaking on the phone as if he was considering redialing.

“What happened?”

“They threw out and shredded all my paperwork.”

I was stunned. Oliver and I both didn’t speak. We both took in his words and the severity of their meaning. 

“Everything Elio. There’s nothing left.”

I could see Oliver’s walls of confidence and nonchalance slowly slipping as tears fell down his cheeks. I still didn’t speak.

“My books, my papers, my transcripts.”

By the word transcripts Oliver’s voice was shaking. At that moment I closed the distance between us and hugged him. He hugged me back briefly then stepped back trying to catch his breath. 

“I need to go for a walk.”

“Oliver please don’t go.”

My voice sounded frail and I hated myself for it. It was Oliver’s turn to be devastated and I needed to let him cope how he wanted to. He’d come back to me. Would he? He has a reason to leave. A very valid one in fact. 

“Do you want to go back to America?”

When Oliver turned around I noticed we were being watched by everyone in the waiting room.

“Let’s go outside.”

Oliver opened the door for me and I followed. This was my first time being outside in six days because the doctor never cleared me to go. The sun hit my porcelain skin and I instantly smiled at the cosmic contact. I looked up to Oliver and was met with his eyes already on me.

“No I don’t want to go back to America. Right now I’d probably sign something saying I’d never go back.”

“Is this because of me Oliver? Because you told your parents about me, about us, about you?”

“Yes it is because of you it’s all because of you. Thank you.”

I was caught off guard by his words and slightly confused. Why was he thanking me for causing all this? 

“It’s because of you I’m still here and I only want to be here. No where else.”

“Would you have left if I hadn’t gotten raped?”

I hadn’t said the word out loud and it stung against my tongue. Oliver looked at me sincerely and then took a step forward so we were nose to nose.

“I’d never lie to you Elio and honestly... I don’t know. But that doesn’t matter it’s not what happened.”

“I don’t want you to stay because you pity me.”

“What no I...”

“I’ve probably inconvenienced you. I’m sorry I wish I had told you to go home sooner.”

“Why are you doing this right now?”

Oliver’s voice cracked at the word now which caused me to fold my arms into myself. 

“Elio I don’t want to go home. Do you see what those people do to me. To us. Right now I never want to step foot on American soil or speak to my parents again so why are we having this conversation?”

“Because maybe if I told you to go home your transcripts would still be here.”

Oliver’s aura of anger quickly shifted to that of understanding. He caressed my cheek with his thumb as he spoke. 

“No piece of writing is worth more than you.”

“What am I worth?”

I said it as a rhetorical phrase of self-loathing. As if I asked and answered the question. Nothing. I was worth nothing. 

“My life.”

His words shifted the energy of contempt and malice brought on by Oliver’s family and myself. In its place was my heart thumping unusually fast as Oliver never broke contact with my pupils. 

“Let’s go inside. You’re not wearing sunscreen.”

I giggled at his concern and quickly scanned the premises for pedestrians or patients. When I discovered the coast was clear I pecked him quickly on the lips before turning around. I could feel his shadow behind me as I walked toward my room. Our room. This felt more like our room then my room at the house. We had inhabited the hospital room for the same amount of time and it smelled of both of us equally. When I opened the door I saw everyone sitting on my bed other than Marzia and my father who were in the red hospital chairs and Maureen who was in the rolling chair. 

“Everything ok?”

I knew my dad spoke out of curiosity but also reservation because of how many people were present.

“Yah just had to call about some shipping details.”

“Oh good.”

My mom spoke in between a bite of cake.

“Sweetheart Marzia wanted to talk to you alone before we leave.”

“Ok.”

The door opened with a creek and the same man that made eye contact with me in the hall found Maureen and spoke directly to her. 

“Maureen you have a new patient in room 3.”

“Ok guys parties over.”

At her words Cleo started to clean up the cake and Oliver began to pack up my belongings. Watching Oliver put my books in my bag devastated me. Everything he loved was gone. Well not everything, but all his poetry, philosophy, writings, thesis papers. I understood the sentimental value of books and words better than most and my heart ached for him. His immortalized literature and art was murdered and I didn’t know how to soothe his grief. When everyone left the room other than Marzia I wrapped my hands around his waist from the back and kissed his clothed back. He turned around in my embrace and smiled down at me. 

“Talk to Marzia then we’ll go home.”

I nodded as Oliver picked up my bags.

“Your clothes and shoes are on the chair.”

“Thank you.”

“I’ll see you outside.”

Oliver exited the room quietly as I sat on the twin bed for the final time.

“So Elio can you tell me honestly how you’re feeling?”

“Not great but better.”

“Ok, what’s not quite better yet.”

“I don’t know. I’m still in a lot of pain and I’m feeling nervous about some stuff.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t want to hold you up.”

“You’re the only person I have scheduled for today. The reason they have me here is to talk to you.”

“Not just me.”

“No not just you, but you, and people like you.”

I nodded as I shuffled my feet on the ground.

“Well I’m nervous that when I get better Oliver is going to leave but I’m even more nervous that I kind of want him to.”

“Why is that?”

“His parents basically disowned him and threw away everything he’s ever owned or written and I just feel responsible.”

“Well pushing him away is not going to help. You don’t want him to leave and he doesn’t want to leave. Whenever you feel insecure just tell him. Tell him what you just told me.”

“I know. That’s what’s difficult. I know I’m being ridiculous. Everything else I’m worried about is just as stupid.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know if I want to sleep with him. In that way. I don’t know if I’ll ever want to again.”

I could feel tears prickle my cheeks with moisture. 

“And I’m so fucking sick of crying! Why am I still fucking crying? Oliver lost everything and I got two tickets to anywhere in the world and I’m crying. I’m pathetic.”

“First of all no you’re not. Human emotions are healthy and normal and you went through a traumatic ordeal less than a week ago. And I don’t think Oliver is even thinking about sex. I think he honestly cares too much about you to worry about that or to pressure you. Also did Maureen brief you on safe sex while we’re on the subject.”

“Yes a few days ago.”

“Ok good and you know you can call me here at my office anytime. Your parents have my number. I suggest you come in twice a week for a few weeks just so you have someone to talk to and we can keep an eye on your anxiety. Have you felt panicky at all since you saw the man in the hallway?”

“I always feel kind of shaky and on edge but it hasn’t overwhelmed me since then.”

“Ok good. Well I gave you those pills for a reason use them if you need them. No more than one and expect to sleep 30 minutes after taking it. Do you wanna come see me on Thursday when you come in for your appointment.”

“Yah that’s fine I’ll probably want to talk after that.”

“Ok great. Well Elio it was truly a pleasure meeting you and I’ll see you soon ok. Don’t hesitate to call.”

“Thank you.”

She closed the blinds for me to change and slipped out of the room. I discarded my hospital gown and put the jeans, shirt, and shoes Oliver had left me. I didn’t have the guts to tell Marzia but in this moment I was most anxious about Oliver. About his pain, his pleasure, his future. I didn’t want anything to be compromised because of me. Then I thought of the quote Oliver left me with for this reason; to calm my fears and insecurities. “The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait until the other is ready.”


	15. His Honesty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your guys’ comments made me update faster than normal haha. Love the support and feedback. Enjoy the next chapter!

Once we arrived at the house I felt a wave of comfort wash over me. 

“I’ll get your bags go upstairs and get into bed.”

“Yeah ok doctor.”

I tried to lighten up Oliver’s mood but when I was met with a “no I’m serious” look I decided it was best to obey him.

“Oliver’s right you should sleep. We’ll wake you up for dinner.”

My mom shut her car door and kissed my forehead before walking toward the house. 

“Is Anchise by the river?”

“Yes and don’t even think about going you’re on house arrest for at least a week.”

My dads light tone and bright smile set me at ease. I was home. I was safe. 

“Mafalda’s at the market but she’ll probably want to see you before dinner.”

“Ok.”

“Ok. Now go upstairs you.”

My dad motioned for me to move. I started toward the door then started to climb the stairs. I was slightly winded when I reached the top. 

“Are you ok?”

I was slightly hunched over as Oliver came around to put a hand on the back of my neck. 

“Yah I’m fine.”

I got into bed as I spoke then proceeded to take my shorts and shirt off. Oliver looked at me with a look of mischief in his eyes. I had simply undressed because I thought it would be more comfortable. He discarded his own shirt and shorts then got under the covers with me. His actions in the last 15 seconds had made my body temperature feel hotter. He placed one of his large tan hands on my bruised rib cage and traced each of my ribs with his fingertips. Without thinking I arched into him and let a shuddered breath escape my lips. He then placed his palm on my stomach and slowly brought it up to my chest then jaw. By now he was holding my jaw in his right hand. 

“Elio tell me what you want? Please be honest.”

“What do you mean?”

I wasn’t asking to play coy I genuinely didn’t know what he wanted me to say. 

“I mean if you want me to hold you while you sleep I will, if you want me to rub you like I was I will, if you want... anything... I’ll give it to you.”

I knew what Oliver was insinuating and I felt erotically suffocated with control. I had always taken comfort in him making the decisions and leading the way. Now that he was giving me permission to say my desires I felt embarrassed. He read my face like an old Greek sculpture. 

“Don’t be embarrassed Elio, you don’t need to be around me.”

I nodded my head and answered as honestly as I could.

“I don’t know what I want. Can you just keep going until I tell you to stop.”

As soon as I finished my sentence I felt Oliver’s hot breath on my neck and my ear. I grasped on to his back and shuddered against him. 

“Do you want to talk during?”

“Yah.” 

“Ok.”

I didn’t know if talking during whatever it was we were about to do would be awkward but I wanted to hear his voice. Also potentially voicing my reservations about certain acts sounded like a good idea. I felt Oliver gently massage my ass and lightly tug on it pulling it apart. 

“Does that feel good.”

I only whined against him. 

“You gotta talk to me baby that’s how we’re gonna do this.”

“Yah it feels good. Can you put your fingers inside me.” 

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea. How are you feeling?”

“A little sore but I want you right now.” 

Oliver spit in his hand three times and let the saliva fall down his palm to his fingers. Before I could say a comment about “not having enough” I felt it start to drop into me. I moaned into Oliver’s shoulder and grasped on to his back tighter. 

“Breath. You gotta keep breathing. I don’t want you passing out on me.”

I giggled at Oliver’s comment until I felt one of his fingers slip inside me. My mouth hung open at the contact.

“Does it feel good?”

“Yah. Can you curl your finger up a little.”

When he did I cried into him again and started absentmindedly rubbing my cock against his stomach. 

“Can I touch you Elio?”

“Yes, just go slow.”

I wondered if I was pushing my body past it’s limits. Then Oliver kissed my neck and put another finger inside me and I felt like I was immune to pain and immortal to orgasmic suffering. 

“I’m surprised I’m not scared right now.”

I hadn’t thought about how my comment would shift the mood. I was truthfully taken a back by how brazen and sexual I was feeling despite my trauma. 

“It’s ok if you are Elio you don’t have to prove anything.”

“I know...I..”

Oliver hit a spot inside me and I felt my insides swell at the sensation. As soon as he saw my face contort he brought his hand down to stroke me. I suddenly felt ill when I looked down at my body. I was so skinny I looked like a drug addict. My skin was even worse than my weight. I had such large areas of black, blue, purple, and yellow that one could barely make out any white flesh. Despite my inner disgust I stayed hard because of Oliver’s skill set. 

“You can’t possibly want me like this.”

Oliver stilled his hand inside of me and brought the one that was stroking me up to my hand. He placed my hand on his leaking cock and inhaled when I touched him. 

“Elio. You were honest with me can I be honest with you?”

I didn’t respond I just spoke to him “Yes” with me eyes. 

“You were violated Elio. People took your free will away and abused your body. These marks are just signs that you survived. They’re part of you. You’re body is healing you from the inside out. Everything about you turns me on because it’s you. It always has and it always will.”

As he spoke the last few sentences he circled his fingers slowly inside of me. I held onto his back for support while I finally spoke. 

“I want you to cum Oliver can I watch you watch me while you touch yourself.”

I finally decided that’s what I wanted. I wanted Oliver to prove to me that he could touch himself and get off to my emaciated black and blue body. He rolled me over and started stroking himself as he pumped his fingers in and out of me. I laid there sprawled, open, horny, bruised, broken, shattered, and needy for his pleasure and my own. 

“God Elio you’re so beautiful.”

I felt myself blush and turned my head into the pillow to bite down.

“Keep talking. Don’t go quiet. Are you still ok?”

“Yah can you touch me instead?”

The pleasure of his fingers inside me only lasted so long because of my injuries. I thought it would be better if he massaged my cock instead of my ass. When he started to stroke me in time with himself I felt my knees buckle on the bed. 

“Oliver I’m gonna...”

I spasmed around his hand and then brought it to my mouth to clean myself from him. When I started sucking his fingers I felt him cum on my stomach. 

“You ok, was that ok?”

“Yes I’m fine. It felt really good. You always make me feel good. Can we take a bath?”

I was in a post orgasm love haze and I just wanted to touch him and lick Oliver all over. I lifted his arm and licked one of his armpits then smiled up at him. He lifted me into his arms and carried me to the bath. I felt proud of myself for being honest with him. This thought gave me an idea. Two can play that game. Hopefully Oliver was ready to be open and honest about his desires. I smirked to myself as he lowered me into the bath water.


	16. His Questions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They’re finally back at home which I’m happy about so there can be a change of scenery and some new characters. Comments and Kudos make me happy! Enjoy!

“What’s that look?”

Once Oliver had lowered me into the bath he stared at me from above. 

“I’m thinking about you.”

“What about me?”

“Are you getting in?”

“Don’t avoid my question with a question.”

“What did you say? I already forgot.”

Oliver laughed and then motioned for me to sit up so he could sit behind me. Once he was fully laying down I was completely submerged in water. He placed his arms around my chest and pulled me into him. 

“You said you were thinking about me and I asked what about me?”

“Ohhhhh.”

I elongated the word in the back of my throat the same way I had that day when I played the piano for Oliver. 

“Well, If you must know. I was just thinking about your desires, you know just using my imagination, but I want to know.”

“What do you want to know?”

The energy between us was warm and comfortable but not sexual. I hoped it stayed flirtatious and not lustful because I didn’t think my body could handle anything other than laying in Oliver’s arms. 

“Do you have a particular fantasy you think about?”

“Do you mean like a fetish or a situation.”

“Answer both.”

“Umm... well I don’t want to scare you. Maybe now isn’t good timing to talk about sex.”

“But we just engaged in sexual acts. Why can’t we talk about it?”

I turned my head to look up at Oliver. He stroked my jaw with his palm and placed a kiss on my forehead. 

“Can I wash your hair.”

“Yes, but don’t change the subject.”

Oliver squeezed a clump of shampoo out of the bottle and started to massage my scalp. 

“I don’t really know how to answer Elio.”

“Answer honestly.”

“What was the first one?”

“Fetish.”

“Well I think it’s become clear that my fetish is you.”

“That’s cheating. If you tell me I’ll tell you something that I’m kind of embarrassed of... sexually.”

“Ok. Well I’ve always wanted to edge someone or be edged but I’ve never really asked or said anything about it.”

“Isn’t that painful?”

“I think it’s a very pleasurable torture.”

“Ok I’ll remember that.”

Oliver giggled behind me and started to run water through my soapy curls. 

“Your turn.”

I was thankful I wasn’t facing Oliver cause I could feel my cheeks and neck heat up. 

“I fucked a peach while you were withholding your body from me. The day after we kissed and the day before we first slept together.” 

Oliver’s silence worried me instantly. What was he thinking? Was I perverted? 

He started rubbing his hands from my pelvis to my throat in a soothing matter. Then I felt him harden underneath me as he shifted himself slightly backward. 

“Does the idea of me fucking a fruit turn you on.”

“You’re already fucking a fruit.”

I laughed at his wit and twisted my rib cage to kiss him. When I twisted back around I winced uncomfortably. 

“Technically I’m not fucking you. Or I haven’t yet. Would you want me to?”

“I would love that. Most of the wet dreams I had before we were together were actually you inside me.” 

“Do you think you’re gay Oliver?”

I knew my question was and wasn’t on topic of our conversation but the question just flew out of my mouth. 

“I’ve enjoyed men and women. But I really don’t see myself ever wanting anyone other than you and you’re a man so I don’t really mind saying I’m gay but I don’t really know because I’ve been with women too.”

“I liked having sex with Marzia but it wasn’t like being with you. Not even close. I think I’m gay.”

He kissed my temple and started to spread conditioner through my hair and all over my body. 

“It’ll make you soft.”

“You’re not soft right now.”

“No I never am when you’re laying naked on top of me.”

“Ok you picked my brain can I pick yours?”

As he said the word brain he scraped my scalp which sent shivers down my spine and caused me to curl my toes on the marble. 

“Sure.”

“Have you been scared of me or has anything I’ve done or said made you nervous or uncomfortable... since everything.”

“No. You’ve been so good to me Oliver. I was petrified in the hospital but that was mostly an overall feeling it wasn’t directed at you.”

“Have I hurt you Elio. Are you in pain right now?”

“Yes I’m in pain I’m always in pain. I have been for six days now. But feeling your fingers inside me brought me out of my purgatory. I feel like I’m floating when we’re together. You know these aren’t very fun questions.”

“I’m sorry. I know me worrying is probably unnecessary but considering what happened Elio I’m going to be asking the questions I just did pretty consistently.”

“I know I understand that. Thank you for always making sure I’m ok. I feel so safe with you Oliver. I know I complain because I really do hate everyone tip toeing around me but I needed the support. I still do. You really have given me everything I’ve needed to heal. Thank you.”

“I love listening to you talk. I love your voice and I hate that they did this to you.”

I knew he was talking about everything but more specifically my neck. 

“You must have been so scared. I know I keep apologizing and you keep telling me not to but I’m just so upset with myself. I should have been there.”

“Oliver I don’t know if I could have healed if I saw this happen to you. I’m getting pruny can we get out.”

Oliver laughed at my quick change of tone. What was interesting about Oliver and I was that even though our conversations were often deep and intense I never felt drained. No conversation felt more or less dense than another. I could talk to him about love, fetishes, sexuality, and my trauma all with equal seriousness or lack there of. There was always an under tone of humor and love to everything we discussed. His voice, body, and soul set me at ease. I couldn’t believe how relaxed I was. Once I did realize my state of heightened relaxation it occurred to me that my body had been so hyper aware for such an extended period of time that I was physically crashing. Suddenly I saw small black dots spot my vision as my knees fell underneath me. 

“Elio!”

Oliver caught me under my arm pits and lifted me into his arms. 

“We stayed in the bath too long you’re overheating.”

Oliver laid me on the bed and went into the bathroom while still talking to me.

“I think we over did it today. You need to sleep.”

Oliver brought back a cold towel and placed it over my head. He threw me a pair of boxer briefs then pulled on his own. 

“I’m not gonna hold you because I don’t want you to overheat.”

“Can I have some water?”

“Yah I’ll be right back.”

Oliver threw on a shirt and shorts and flew out the door. I heard Oliver talking to my family in the distance as my eyes fell shut. 

“Elio drink some water before you fall asleep.”

He held my head up then guided the glass toward my lips. I gulped a few mouthfuls and then dried my mouth with the back of my hand. We were both now laying on the bed facing each other. We weren’t connected or touching which I was ok with because I loved looking into his eyes. 

“If I can’t swim, run, drink, or smoke what the fuck am I gonna do for a week.”

“Hangout with me.”

“I guess that’s not too bad.”

Before I slipped off into sleep I heard the quiet grumble of Oliver’s chest vibrating with laughter.


	17. His Book

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always love reading your comments and don’t be shy if anyone has suggestions or future prompts. I think this might have been my favorite chapter to write so far so... Hope you all enjoy!

Before I opened my eyes I heard the familiar croak of the frogs and buzz of the insects outside. I felt a light breeze ghost over my shoulder which was the only part of my body other than my face that wasn’t under the comforter. Oliver was still in the position he fell asleep in and I wondered if I wanted to wake him. It was obviously the middle of the night but I didn’t know what time. I guess everyone probably thought it would be better to let me sleep than wake me up for dinner. I was sore as always but was feeling better emotionally. I hadn’t dreamt about anything and for the first time in awhile I actually felt rested. 

“Mafalda and Anchise came to visit you but you were passed out cold.”

Oliver grumbled the words with his eyes still closed.

“Are you actually awake or are you going back to sleep.”

“What does actually awake mean?”

“You know what I mean.”

“If I knew what you meant I wouldn’t be asking.”

Oliver pulled me into him then rested his chin on my shoulder. His chin bobbed up and down as he spoke and I could feel his hair prickle me.

“They left dinner for you in the fridge...am I tickling you?”

“Kind of. You need to shave.”

“Do you not like me like this?”

“I love you.”

I didn’t mean for our midnight conversation to take a turn of sincerity but looking into Oliver’s crystal blue eyes made me weak. I felt so lucky to hear and feel the vibration of his throat from just waking up. The fact that I could look at him all hours of the day and night gave me such a sense of liberation and joy. I lifted my hand from under the cover and traced over the light stubble on his face and chin. 

“I don’t care what you look like. You like me with bruises, apparently. I don’t care about your facial hair.”

“Why do you say apparently like that.”

“Because I’m not sure if I believe you.”

“Why would I lie to you.”

“To make me feel better... because you know I can’t control what I look like and the evidence of what happened.”

“You can choose to not believe me if you want but I have to admit my feelings are slightly hurt because I would never lie to you my love.”

Oliver grinned playfully then took my chin in his mouth and lightly bit down. His words put me at ease and I did believe him. I think I always believed him but because of my internal hatred for my body I felt sick with disgust. It was hard to believe anyone could feel another way.

“Is it close to morning?”

“No it’s like 12:30 maybe 1 I think...”

Oliver turned toward the clock on the nightstand on his side of the bed.

“1:05.”

“Do I have to identify the men tomorrow?”

Oliver inhaled as if he was preparing himself for his own speech.

“No you don’t. You don’t have to ever see them again if you don’t want to. Your parents and I had a long conversation about that when you were sleeping. You can go whenever you want it doesn’t have to be today or tomorrow or at all.”

“Will they get to leave? Have they been charged?”

“The one you saw has been charged for your rape only. The other three have been charged and identified for raping a boy in the city while you were in the hospital. But they have not been charged for yours. They can’t charge them until you’ve identified them.”

“Ok then we’ll go tomorrow... or today... later.”

We both giggled at our shared humor. 

“Do you want me to go with you? You’re aloud to be with anyone you want.”

“Of course. Can they see me?”

“No they can’t. It’s a two way mirror.”

“Ok. Yah we’ll go.”

Oliver kissed me softly then started to trace my lips with his tongue.

“How do you feel?”

I knew what his question really implied and I hadn’t decided my answer. After a moment of contemplation I spoke passively. 

“Mi okay.”

“Are you hungry, thirsty... horny... I can take care of all of that.”

He winked at me and we both erupted into laughter.

“I’m actually not hungry or thirsty a I’m not really horny anymore. I like when you touch me cause it’s you and then I usually get turned on as we go but initially I’m always hesitant I don’t know if you could tell in the hospital or here.” 

“I can always tell Elio. You’re my favorite book to read.”

“You read me like a book? Really? Then how did you know?”

If he really was so in tune with me I wanted him to prove it because I was skeptical. I don’t even know what I’m thinking or feeling half the time. However, I wouldn’t be surprised if Oliver knew me better than I know myself.

“The first night we were together when we started you were nervous. Your heart was thudding against your chest like a hammer. It was hard but slow and I could feel it the entire time. It was as if your heart wanted to beat into my chest. It was erotic and intense but still filled with nerves. All the pressure was located in your chest. Right here.”

He placed his hand over my heart and spread his fingers wide. I was so small almost his entire hand encompassed my chest. 

“Since what happened when we’ve been intimate your heart beat is fast and labored as if it’s disoriented and not present. Now the pressure of your heart beat is in your neck instead of your chest. Your pulse point right here.”

Oliver lightly pressed down on my jugular and I let my head fall back into the pillow enjoying his assessment. 

“Both times it slowed as we kept going and eventually settled in your chest. That’s why I try to kiss your throat so much, to get the tension to settle.”

I was shocked by how much I understood everything he was saying. I just nodded my head not really knowing how to respond. I felt on display and unusually self conscious. Oliver sensing my shyness continued talking. 

“I can also tell by where your hands and eyes settle. If you hold my back it means you don’t want to make eye contact. If you hold my face it means you need it. You rarely hold my hand when we’re being intimate that’s usually for when you’re scared.”

“Nope you’re wrong, it’s all wrong.”

I decided on a comedic response. 

“You wish.”

Oliver kissed me softly again and then looked at me with care and concern. 

“I love that you know me better than I do.”

“You know yourself better than anyone Elio. You’re just disassociated from your body right now.”

What he said made complete sense and I silently agreed with him. Who would want to be in my body right now. Well in all honesty I would take the pain of my body over the darkness pooling in my brain. 

“Can you bring me back? Can you touch me and talk to me about my body?”

The request to anyone else would have seemed strange and slightly narcissistic but Oliver completely understood, like he always does. 

“Well... I love your ribs I always have. You’re skinnier now so they’re protruding past your bruises which makes them very sensitive. I love touching your ribs it’s my favorite spot other than your neck and obviously other parts.”

He traced his fingertips up and down each one of my ribs as he spoke then started to kiss them. I sighed contently as I laid limp. 

“Your neck...”

It was time for me to read Oliver. His expression went from slightly devious and loving to pained. Like he was trying to hold back his tears and devastation from me.

“Don’t hide from me. Keep going.”

He nodded his head and let his tears fall down his cheeks as he spoke.

“Your neck is beautiful. I noticed it immediately when we first met. How it stretched poetically into your jaw. I remember touching it for the first time when we kissed. I couldn't believe how soft you were but how hard your jaw was. It’s art to me. I can’t believe they did this to you. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to believe it.”

Oliver took a break from speaking and kissed all along my windpipe and jaw. I could feel his breath whimper as he released his kisses. Once he collected himself he continued.

“The purple spots are the most numb. The red spots on your neck are more raw and sensitive.”

He licked the line where I had ripped my own chain off due to asphyxiation. Now it was my turn to weep. I didn’t make any noise I just let the tears run down my temples. He sat me up and I knew where he intended to worship next and I wouldn’t allow it.

“No. Not my back. Don’t touch my back.”

“Why Elio?”

“It’s disgusting. Just please don’t.”

“It devastates me that you would describe any part of your body as disgusting.”

“Well it is.”

I had a bite in my tone that suggested that if Oliver wasn’t going to quit I would.

“Ok.”

I was actually surprised at his surrender but not disappointed. I wasn’t playing a game with him. My intention was not to spur him on because I actually did want his touch and kisses. I didn’t. If I had it my way no one would see or touch my back ever again as long as those handprints were there.

“You’re so stubborn. How can I make you feel better?”

“By putting up with my rudeness when you’re so kind to me.”

He lightly ran his finger through my curls and pushed them all out of my face.

“I need a haircut.”

“I like it.”

“Then I won’t get one.”

“No, do what you think looks good. If you haven’t figured out that I always think you look good no matter what, then I failed.”

“You can always try again, later.”

He breathed the word later back to me syllable by syllable into my mouth then pressed himself against me. I broke the contact to suggest an idea. 

“Can we sit on the balcony? Is it cold?”

“No I don’t think so... yah I don’t see why not.”

Oliver grabbed two blankets from the cupboard and thew them on the couch swing outside. 

“Do you need help getting up?”

“No I’m ok.”

When we both got to the swing Oliver sat down first then patted for me to sit. Once I sat next to him he laid back and put one leg on the ground so I could lay in between him. I was instantly comfortable.

“Are you content?”

“Very.”

I felt Oliver speak and nod because his chin hit my head and we both started laughing. 

“There are so many stars out here.”

“I missed the stars. I missed the sun too.”

“I missed this... my whole life.”

“Italian nights?”

“You.”

I knew what he meant because I felt the same way. In the parallel way that he explained my body patterns to me, I would remember to tell him what it was like to live 17 years without him. One day I’ll tell him and maybe just maybe he’ll understand because I’ll speak the words in his mind back to him.


	18. His Subconscious

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve thoroughly enjoyed reading everyone’s comments from the past two chapters. You guys keep me writing so frequently. Love kudos and comments, obviously. Enjoy the next chapter!

I had a strategy set. I had thought about a way to stop the pain earlier but I had decided against it until this moment. All I had to do is stop breathing. I could do it. I just had to relax and when one of them wasn’t in my mouth seize the opportunity. The man that had terrorized me the most pulled out of my mouth then picked me up by my throat. I willingly let my body hang on his hand. I thought I would have to use my willpower and summon my own omen of death. Once I felt his hand brutally squeeze my delicate neck I decided maybe this would be easier. I’ll just allow him to kill me so I could finally breath. Perhaps someone else cutting off my oxygen would make it go by quicker as well. 

“Oh look he’s given up.”

“Oliver come here.”

My ears instantly perked up. When I lifted my wet eyelids from my blood smeared cheeks I was met with Oliver’s sea blue eyes. It wasn’t Oliver, it couldn’t be. He was staring at me differently. His gaze suggested that I was an object or less than; worthless. The expression he wore highlighted all my insecurities. His blue eyes were filled with a vile depravity that I had never seen before. Was he going to hurt me? If there is a God please please don’t let him punish me.

“You know maybe if you didn’t seduce me the way you did I wouldn’t have to do this.”

The man had lowered me to the ground before I could respond to Oliver. My lungs gasped for air and forced my throat to cough out excess cum. I felt another hand wrap around my throat and to my horror it was much too familiar but the touch was not. It was Oliver’s hand but his touch was filled with promises of pain. 

“Don’t hurt me.”

“You want me to hurt you. You know you do.”

Is this what I deserved? To be hurt by the only person I’ve ever prayed would love me. Was he hurting me because he loved me? No, that can’t be love. It can’t be. I must have been wrong about him and us. My entire body went numb at the realization of romantic defeat. I was so naive to think someone like Oliver would want anything more than to take advantage of me. Perhaps I was lucky he was even doing that. I was spurred out of my self deprecating monologue when Oliver turned me around and pushed my chest up against a tree. I felt some sap fall on my cheeks and tried to lick it to remember that some things are naturally sweet. I couldn’t reach it. Please. Please let me reach you Oliver this can’t be you. You’re not cruel, you’re as sweet as the sap that’s out of my reach. I felt Oliver force himself inside me despite my bodies efforts to expel him. I could feel copious amounts of cum drop down my legs as he fucked me without ceremony. 

“Stop. I can’t I really...can’t anymore.”

“You’ve been saying that for hours and yet you’re still here.”

A man standing next to Oliver hissed the message into my ear. Hours? Has Oliver been here for hours? I wished I could go back in time. Back to a time before I ever met Oliver. Back to a time where I didn’t instantly fall in love with him when he shook my hand for the first time. 

“Elio! Elio! I’m going to get your parents if you don’t wake up!”

I leaped a foot in the air and snapped my eyes open at my surroundings. It was a dream. A nightmare. The worst nightmare I had ever had. Why did it feel so real? Was some cosmic entity trying to tell me something? Was my subconscious crueler than my rapists? 

“Elio we have to get you in the bath you’ve been scratching, you’re bleeding.”

I was frozen in a pool of my own sweat and blood but my soul was hovering right above my body. Was Oliver here? Was I still asleep? 

“Oliver I don’t know what’s going on.”

“Shhh it’s ok. I’m here. You’re at home.”

Oliver came to collect me in his arms and the second his thumb made contact with my arm I bolted away from him. 

“Elio what’s wrong. Talk to me.”

I couldn’t breathe properly let alone talk. My chest was heaving so rapidly I suddenly felt a surge of nausea wash over me. Oliver must have noticed my change in stance because he rushed a trash bin toward my feet. I leaned over and threw up. It was strange because I didn’t feel sick and my stomach didn’t ache. I probably threw up from lack of oxygen and panic. I felt slightly better after, physically. I knew where I was and that this was Oliver. This was Oliver. He was looking at me with such concern I felt my blood settle. I was safe with him. He had never given me any reason not to have the upmost trust in him. I wanted to be loyal to his devotion but when I looked into his eyes I felt automatically reminded of my vicious figment. 

“I think I need to be alone for a little bit. I’ll be in the bathroom.”

“Ok I’ll be outside the door.”

As I let my feet carry me to the door I noticed it was still night time. I must not have slept for long. Didn’t we fall asleep on the couch outside? He must have transferred me to the bed. For some reason that thought was what brought me to tears. He moved my panic stricken body so carefully from the couch to the bed that I didn’t wake. My mind might be toying with Oliver intentions but my body was his. Then my mind decided to fuck that up too. I was so angry with myself. Not my decisions but who I was. All the things that made me me I hated at this moment laying limp next to the toilet. I laid my head on the wood floor and let my tears fall into the cracks. 

“Elio I’m right outside ok. I’m still here.”

I wheezed harder hearing his soothing voice. Why had I made him a monster when he was destined to be my hero. Was I that self destructive? Did I internally despise myself? 

“Oliver I’m feeling really weird right now. Can you call Marzia.”

“Of course.”

I felt a whole new jolt of anxiety bubble in my stomach. How was I going to move on from this. I’m not strong enough. I never have been and I never will be. I heard random words while Oliver spoke to Marzia. I shouldn’t have had him call her. It was so late and now she’ll be worried too. Why did so many people have to be involved in my misery. 

“She says you need to take one of your anti-anxiety pills. I’m going to bring you it and some water ok?”

I nodded then remembered he couldn’t see me. I shakily exhaled. 

“Ok... Oliver what’s wrong with me?”

No one responded. A silence floated through the air that made the hair on my neck stand up. Was I actually alone? I felt my energy absorb the bathroom and bounce back to me. I hadn’t realized my hands were shaking this violently and that I was still sweating. How long had I been on the bathroom floor? I sat up and instantly saw the long shallow scratch marks on my chest, arms, and stomach. Did I do that in my sleep? What was happening to me? 

“Elio I’m coming in.”

Oliver rushed to me like someone set his feet on fire. I assumed his urgency was because of my obvious lack of lucidity. 

“Can I touch you.”

I didn’t want him to but I knew he didn’t deserve the blame for his shadow selves’ actions. I nodded yes.

He lifted me slightly and brought the pill and water to my lips. It was difficult to swallow because of how fast my blood was still thumping. I gulped harshly and continued to cry. 

“I’m so scared.”

I was mostly speaking to myself or maybe the universe but it wasn’t directed to Oliver. Which I suppose is silly considering he was the only one in the room.

“I know, can I put you back in bed? You’ll feel much better soon. This is temporary. I know it feels like it’s going to last forever when you’re in the moment put it’s just a moment. Possibly an awful eternal moment but it’s still just that.”

As always Oliver set my pulse and breath at ease.

“Thank you.”

He lifted me and placed me gently back on the bed. 

“Marzia said we can clean your scratch marks tomorrow so just try to relax and sleep if you can.”

“I’m so sorry Oliver that must have been hard to watch.”

“It was but I’m sure it was infinitely more difficult for you to go through. None of my pain or anxiety will ever equal yours Elio. You don’t have to group us together in suffering because you love me.”

“No it’s not that. It’s just that the role of being a caretaker is difficult. I don’t know if I could do it. Well obviously not, I can’t even care for myself.”

“No that’s not true. There’s so much going on chemically in your brain and physically in your body. You’re not in control right now but don’t let that scare you because I’m going to be here for you until you get it back.”

I felt an unmistakable calming sensation course through me which I assumed was the medication. The small white pill had allowed me to smile as Oliver spoke. 

“I like the way you say things.”

“Using my own pick up lines against me.”

“Not against you, for you, always for you.”

As I spoke I felt my consciousness slipping and in my haze I spoke words for Oliver only. The real Oliver, the only one, my only one.


	19. His Brain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone for the kudos and support! Just a side note I’m changing some of the situations or order of events from the movie. I’m sure most of you already noticed a few. I only change what I feel fits this storyline better. Well anyhow enjoy the next chapter! P.S LOVE those comments guys!

“Did he tell you what happened in the nightmare? Did you talk about the scratching?”

I instantly recognized Marzia’s stern but gentle voice. I woke up with full memory of the past 24 hours. Oliver and I had come home and fooled around then went to sleep, then woke up at one and talked, then I woke up at only god knows when and had an episode. I saw through my closed eyelids a bright red hue so I knew it was morning. I quickly decided that I wasn’t going to open my eyes or appear to be awake. I wanted to hear what they were saying without them knowing I was listening. Everyone had been different around me since everything happened. Oliver was the same but he acquired his own wounds from what happened and therefore was much more gentle with me. It made me feel loved and irritated equally. 

“No. He didn’t tell me anything. I didn’t ask. And no we didn’t talk about the scratches. Why is he doing that?”

Oliver’s vocal patterns indicated lack of sleep and I only imagined how tired he looked. He was always handsome to me but lately he constantly looked exhausted. Marzia’s well rested voice took place of Oliver’s. 

“Well the scratching is self-soothing. He’s not harming himself on purpose. If he was he would be doing it while he’s awake. It’s likely he feels trapped in his body and he’s trying to peel himself out. You see it sometimes with animals in cages or children that are abused. The PTSD, anxiety, and physical injuries combined are all probably constantly overwhelming Elio. I’m sure his brain is never quiet. When someone is in a state of fight or flight constantly it’s extremely taxing which is why he sleeps so much. He could also be sleeping due to the physical trauma and fever. Probably all of the above. Does he still have a fever?”

“I don’t think so. He didn’t the last day at the hospital.”

“Which was yesterday?”

“Yes we brought him back yesterday.”

“Ok. It’s good that he’s sleeping then. You know what I’m going to have you do... Oliver I’m going to have you give him half of the anti-anxiety when he wakes up. Give him half in the morning and half at night just to keep him comfortable. I don’t want to wait until his appointment on Thursday... what is today?”

“Tuesday.”

“Ok yes yes. I want to see him tomorrow. Let him sleep and keep doing everything the doctors told you. I’ll be back tomorrow ok... oh and Oliver you’re more than welcome to talk to me too. Partners of survivors are likely to also develop different stress disorders. Tell Elio to call me at anytime day or night. Same rules apply to you.”

“Marzia.”

I could hear Marzia turn her boot on the wood floor. 

“How do I help him. I think I’m failing him.”

In this moment I tried with my entire being to not move a muscle. Why was Oliver asking her this? He saved me. He was the only thing keeping me somewhat stabilized... he gave up everything for me. How could he think he was failing me? 

I was about to say I had heard everything he said and declare my gratitude when Marzia chimed in.

“You’re not. In fact, quite the opposite. You’re helping him. I have a funny feeling more than you know. You may never know what you being here means to him. I’ll see you tomorrow, tell the parents I say hi when they get back.

“Thanks again!”

Oliver yelled as the door closed and I heard Marzia yell back something I couldn’t make out. Oliver started stroking the backside of my neck and scalp as I continued pretending to be asleep.

“God I hope one day you can love yourself as much as I do.”

In that moment I couldn’t pretend to be unconscious any longer. I opened my eyes to find his as quickly as I could and kissed him. When my lips folded into his I felt my inhibitions lower. I tired to push him back on the bed with only the intention to ravish him. I didn’t care about the pain I was in. I’d let him do anything to me after hearing that conversation. I needed to show him how grateful I was. I couldn’t let Oliver go through anything similar to what I was. 

“Elio stop... don’t.”

He lightly placed his hands on my shoulders and physically scooted back from me.

“I knew it.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Elio!”

“Why did you just pull away?”

“Tell me first what you knew.”

“Actually I’ll answer both. You pulled away because you’re disgusted by me. Look at me Oliver! Look at my chest... I’m still bleeding from last night. Of course you pushed me away...”

By now I was uncontrollably sobbing and trying to catch my breath. Oliver tried to embrace me but I moved back and put my hand out as if to warn him not to. 

“Elio you need to take a pill. I just talked to Marzia and...”

“Yah right. Give Elio a pill then he’ll go to sleep and not terrorize the village people.”

“It must be a small village. I’m the only resident.”

“Don’t try to make me laugh when I’m mad at you.”

“You’re being unfair and you know it. So sit down take the pill and let me hold you. Stop being such a baby.”

I sat with comic obedience and put my hands on my hips. 

“So you want me to stop being a baby but you want to hold me.”

I was proud that I got Oliver’s demeanor to change in that moment. We looked at each other for a few passing moments. We passed back and forth the same expressions before I finally spoke. 

“I’m sorry... I”

“I’m sorry.. you”

We spoke at the same time then laughed in sync. We didn’t speak for a few moments after that. I walked to the bathroom, took the pill, then started to swab my cuts with rubbing alcohol. 

“You didn’t take a whole one did you?”

“No a half like Marzia said... fuck.”

Oliver was now laughing so hard he was bent over the sink.

“I knew you were awake! You...”

I leaned into him on my tippy toes and kissed him before he could finish his thought. 

“Well since I have been awake for so long ease-dropping I actually am feeling kind of tired.”

“You’re unbelievable.”

I jolted my hand out to tickle his stomach and watched him fold over in laughter. 

“Not fair I can’t tickle you.”

He wrapped his hand around my wrist then boosted me up so I was cradled against his chest. I decided to change the tone to a more sincere one because I did agree with him that I had been unfair. 

“We’re going to get through this ok. I know I’m difficult. I’m just really disassociated from everything all the time unless I’m laughing with you. Well doing anything with you really. Oh... also I want to go identify the men when I wake up. I want to get that over with. I think I’ll feel better.”

“Elio you’re not difficult, not at all. Can I tell you a story while you fall asleep?”

“Yes please.”

Oliver laid down with me still in his arms and I stayed in the exact same position. A moment later I shifted my legs so they were next to him. 

“It’s about the day after I kissed you and you couldn’t find me.”

“No don’t tell me that while I’m falling asleep. I want to be awake for that one. Talk to me about 14th century literature or something.”

“Or something.”

He kissed me and I opened my mouth instantly granting him access. 

“Do you still enjoy being around me because I can’t stand myself and quite frankly I don’t know why you’re still here... I’m not complaining just... I don’t know. You’re so much better than me Oliver.”

The second the words left my mouth I realized how small, needy, and obsessed I sounded. I could feel my cheeks heating up with nerves. My palms started to stick to the sheets and I felt strangely too close to Oliver’s lips. He breathed directly on my face.

“When you wish I’ll worship your body Elio. I’m so attracted to you it’s... actually difficult for me sometimes. That’s not an option for you right now and we really shouldn’t have done what we did last night. It was too soon for you. I can’t show you how much I desire you in that way but I can with words and this.”

Oliver squeezed the back of my head lightly and kissed each of my temples. 

“I love your brain just as much as your body Elio. I’ll prove that to you. I know you’ve tested me in the past and if I’m not mistaken I’ve always passed.”

I was dumbfounded by Oliver’s shower of compliments that were currently dripping into my heart. 

“If you can set your mind at rest from contemplating one thing please make it be the question of my love for you, your body, brain, and heart.”

Oliver kissed my neck, forehead, then heart. I felt my blood rush to all those places as if he was connecting me. It was as if he was kissing me back together and I couldn’t believe how relaxed I felt.

“It’s been so up and down. Sometimes I’ve been so relaxed I feel high.”

“Who knows what Marzia gave you you might be.”

We both started laughing and then I settled my pupils into Oliver’s and watched them slightly expand. I extended my neck and face toward him and kissed all the spots he had just marked me. He sighed in my ear and then I felt him whisper. 

“Purify me.”

I felt my eyes flood with tears that I was trying to not let fall. 

“You heard me say that?”

“Of course I did. You looked at me when you said it. You don’t remember?”

“No I wish I remembered that and forgot other things.”

Oliver smiled somberly at me. I needed to wipe my eyes. Before I could he took a cloth from the counter and rubbed my tear ducts. 

“Even if I have a horrible nightmare make me go identify them. I want to. I might not want to when I wake up, but I do.”

“No if you don’t want to I’m not making you. Also... which I know now you heard... but what was your nightmare about last night.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

I forced myself to yawn and leaned against his chest. I didn’t even want to think about it and I wouldn’t let myself. 

“Please never ask me about it. It’s really important to me that you don’t.”

My voice was soft but my intention was clear. 

“Where are my parents?”

“They found something in the ocean. I told your dad and mom to go because I knew you would have been mad if they had stayed for you. But your mom being your mom called the hospital to ask what the doctor thought and Maureen cleared her.”

“Good. Thank you.”

“Sleep. Enough excitement.”

I was exhausted, awake, and anxious but I knew I needed to sleep. Many topics usually occupied my brain at all hours of the day everyday.

“You know you still have to tell me a sexual situation you think about and that story. I won’t forget.”

“You never forget anything.”

I scoffed at that comment because of the fact that only minutes ago we had a conversation about something that I didn’t remember. Before I tried to quiet my racing thoughts the only one that remained in my brain was how much Oliver loved it. Before I succumbed to sleep I heard a verse that just may have been 14th century romance.


	20. His Piano

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the love, comments, and kudos. I’m going to be in a car for 7 hours today so expect 2 more chapters today, hopefully, no promises haha. Enjoy!

“Please I’m in so much pain.”

The second I finished my exhalation of speech I felt the man that was inside me stretch me further and I actually heard the blood squeak inside me. I knew they were getting off on my pain so every once in awhile I would ask them to stop or say how much pain I was in. I thought it would make them cum quicker so they would leave me to die. I was wrong so in the last minutes of my ordeal I stayed quiet other than occasional pained gasps. 

“If I was a betting man, which I am, I would say Oliver isn’t going to like you very much like this pretty boy, not so pretty now.”

His words caused my body to shiver from my organs outward. Another man came forward from behind a shadow and shoved the other man with his hand as if to say “my turn.” The one I feared the most looked down on me from far above. He forced himself inside of my mouth then began to press down aggressively on my wind pipe. 

“You can breath when I tell you to. You have to be a good boy first.”

I gagged on him at his words and was met with a punch to the ribs. The tips of my fingers and toes were extended but the rest of my body was limp. I felt his warm vile liquid spill onto the back of my tongue. I gulped quickly knowing the consequences if I refused. 

“Elio stop! Elio wake up! Please!”

My eyes instantly collided with Oliver’s and he held my gaze so intently I felt intimidated and nervous. 

“What what’s wrong?”

Oliver shifted his eyes towards my chest and I followed them. I was covered in blood. My scratches were much deeper than yesterday. There were clumps of dried and fresh blood spattered across my chest and arms. I couldn’t move or speak. Oliver didn’t deserve to have to deal with me. I was hopeless and worthless. 

“I have to go.”

“Elio where the fuck do you have to go right now.”

Oliver’s tone was sharp and serious.

“We both have to go Elio, to the hospital.”

“No. I don’t want to. My nightmares are worse there. I can’t.”

“No they’re not, you didn’t slash yourself to bits in the hospit...”

“Dont you get it! I don’t want to go there and see people that are as in love as us dying Oliver! I can’t look at one more emaciated body covered with lesions. I just... that could be me one day...”

Oliver took his shirt off and pulled me into his chest. I could feel my blood transferring to his body as if he was taking my burden away from me. 

“You’re negative so am I. That’s never going to happen to you angel. As far as the ones that it does happen to...”

Oliver looked toward the ceiling searching for words. 

“They die. They die so painfully Oliver... I’ve seen it. In the halls, past the blinds, in Maureen’s eyes.” 

Oliver began to smooth my hair back behind my ears as I spoke shakily. 

“But you’re not dying Elio.”

“Aren’t you scared I’ll get you sick.”

Something changed in Oliver’s eyes in that moment. 

“No. I’m not. Not at all.”

Suddenly I noticed Oliver’s head descending down my blood dribbled chest. Then I felt his tongue prod at my sternum. He licked all around my collarbones and nipples until the top half of my torso was clean. It felt so good to feel Oliver’s tongue cleaning my wounds that I forgot to speak. 

“I’m not going to the hospital. Can we shower and go identify the men.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea...”

“Yes it is I need to.”

“Ok but Elio listen to yourself. Ok? If something deep inside you says not to you can listen.”

I knew what he meant but this was no time for backing out of a situation. I wanted to see them again in real life. I wanted to know that they were stuck in cages like animals. I thought maybe if I knew they were actually detained in real life they would stop haunting my dreams. 

“You want to shower you said?”

As I nodded he scooped me up and walked me toward the bathroom. 

“I can walk.” 

“I like carrying you.”

Oliver turned the shower on and walked in with me still wrapped around him. I hadn’t noticed he removed his shorts but I was thankful he didn’t have to put me down. 

“Can you just hold me like this under the water for a bit.”

“Of course.”

Oliver kissed my temple then breathed directly on my ear. I assumed Oliver was crying because of the slight shake of his belly but I didn’t know because the water was washing everything away. Once we were done he tied me in a towel and placed me back on the bed. 

“I’m going to clean these and bandage the bad ones.”

All of the supplies were already on the bathroom counter from when I last swabbed my injuries. I hissed at the sting and grabbed Oliver’s shoulder for support. 

“I want to die Oliver..”

It came out as a hushed whisper but I knew he heard me.

“That’s why you need to talk to Marzia and tell her everything. I know you’re keeping things from me and that’s Ok Elio. After everything you’re entitled to your privacy, if you want it. But you need to tell Marzia so she can get you on some medication.”

“I don’t need to be sedated like a zoo animal.”

“You need help. They’re not going to sedate you they’re going to help you.”

“Technically I have been sedated.”

I don’t know if it was my dark sense of humor or lack of care for anything other than my misery that caused me to speak. 

“I probably would have killed myself if you weren’t here.” 

For the first time I didn’t care how pathetic I sounded. I didn’t care how ignorant and selfish my sentence seemed. Oliver wanted honesty and that was the most honest thing I felt in my soul. 

“Please...never. I know it seems like the pain is forever... but it’s not. Can I tell you something?”

“Of course. Anything.”

My intuition told me that Oliver was about to reveal a part of himself to me and I felt instantly warmer. 

“My dad abused me growing up... so I somewhat know what you’re going through. I do.”

I felt my entire body convulse and prickle with numbness.

“On the phone my mother said I deserved it... the blame was always on me for someone else’s actions.”

“It’s not Oliver... it’s... your.”

I could hear how shaky and breathy my voice become but I didn’t cease speaking.

“You’re so kind and generous and intelligent and beautiful... I can’t... I can’t believe the people that made you don’t see that...”

“Thank you.”

I could see a physical change in Oliver shoulders. It appeared he had been holding his breath and just now released the tension. 

“Can you tell me about it sometime. You don’t have to if you don’t want to but I want to be there for you. Even if it’s you 20 years ago. I want to be there.”

“You really are an angel. You know that right?”

“We’re home!”

“Upstairs!”

Oliver laughed at my sudden raise of vocals. 

“How is everything going?”

My mom sat right next to me and Oliver on the bed and I instantly felt better. 

“Fine, what did you find?”

“Actually not fine. Tell them.”

I angrily peered at Oliver. Despite our heart opening conversation I felt my blood boil with anger. 

“Not Everything has to be about me all the time!”

“Actually it does...right now.. please know that.”

Oliver whispered the words in my ear but by judging the grins on my parents faces they had heard. 

“Oliver is right Elly. Let’s get you in the car.”

“No! I’m not going!”

“Sweetheart look at me.”

My mom scooped my tear stained cheeks in her palms and spoke directly to me syllable by syllable. 

“You are important Elio. We all love you and you need to start loving yourself a little bit more. We need to get you to the hospital.”

“The cuts aren’t that deep though.”

“No they’re not but you’ll do it again tomorrow and everyday after that if you don’t get help.” 

I hung my head in defeat in my vibrating hands. It felt like machine was holding my lungs not allowing me to take in new air. My chest was so heavy I let it hang over my knees as I gasped. My vision blurred and I felt all the nerves in my body ignite. 

“I think he’s having a panic attack.”

“Elio.”

“Sweetheart.”

“Elly.”

I could hear them all soothing me but I couldn’t lift my head from my hands. I hadn’t been strong but even attempting was exhausting me. 

“Please just let me stay here.”

“Ok. We’re going to have them come here then. I’m going to make a phone call.”

My mother quickly jogged down the stairs. I felt my dad wrap his hand around my shoulder and I instantly folded into him. I let my tears soak his shirt as I sobbed. 

“I’m so broken. I’m not a person any more I’m just a walking tragedy.”

“Do you want to play?”

I felt nerves soften at his suggestion. 

“Yes.”

My dad smiled at me and motioned for Oliver to lift me. He carried me down the stairs and placed me at the piano. I slid my hands across the keys and caressed each one before playing. I lifted my wrists and knuckles and began to play. I felt sweat drip down my forehead at the excretion but it felt too good to stop. Oliver ran his fingertips down my neck and back as I continued to play. I looked up at him as I continued flying my fingers across the white and black notes. I don’t know how long I played for. Time always stood still when I sat at a piano chair or had a guitar in my hands. I lifted my fingers after the song had ended and bowed comedically. 

“Where is mom?”

“She’s on the phone.”

“Was that?”

“Yes.”

I knew what Oliver was asking. It was the same song I played for him that day we were flirting by the porch. 

“So the Liszt version?”

“Yah. Maybe you can get more out of me later.”

I didn’t mean for my banter to appear sexual but I laughed at it’s suggestibility. 

“Let me see what Mafalda’s making for lunch.”

My dad excused himself and I could feel my cheeks bubbling with embarrassment.

“When we travel there will be a piano everywhere we go. No matter what city. No matter what language, I promise you there will always be a piano.”

“Will there always be you.”

“As long as there’s a you and Elio there’s no me in your life if you end it prematurely.”

“I know... I’m not going to. I shouldn’t have ... I was upset.”

“I know. I know.”

“Can I keep playing?”

“I don’t see why not. Let me get you some water.”

Oliver kissed my forehead and moved toward the kitchen. 

As I began dancing my fingers across the piano I felt myself settle and return to the land of the living. Death had been greeting me often and without reservation. I decided as the melody erupted from my favorite instrument that I would take control of this life. Which was also Oliver’s and I needed to heal him as well. I wanted to play for him, read to him, make love to him, and sleep by his side for the rest of my days. That thought let my consciousness crack a smile as I continued.


	21. His Moment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I didn’t update 2 chapters yesterday I thought I would have more time. But anyhow here’s the next chapter. As always love the comments and Kudos. Thanks!

The rest of the day continued to be surprisingly normal. When I was finished playing we ate lunch outside and discussed various different topics that had nothing to do with me. Talking about anything other than what happened tethered me to reality. The more things change the more they stay the same. Everything in my life was the same. My mom, my dad, the apricot trees, Mafalda and Anchise bickering, and the beautiful Italian sky. Oliver was new and the most pleasant change of my life. I wanted to go up to our room when I was done eating. I didn’t know what I wanted once we were together but I wanted to be with him, alone. 

“Can we go up to sleep. I’m tired.”

“Yes of course go sleep.” 

I kissed my mom and dad on the cheek and grasped Oliver’s hand to follow me. 

“You’re giddy.”

Once we were through the door I pushed his back against it and started to feast on his neck. 

“Elio. I don’t think... uhhh.”

Oliver let his head fall back when I palmed him through his shorts and sucked on his collarbone, rendering him speechless. 

“Elio we shouldn’t. Can you stop?”

“You promised me you would never stop why should I?”

Oliver took my face in his hands and stared at me openly. 

“I don’t think you’re ready... for anything sexual, physically or emotionally.” 

I sat with his opinion and realized that logically he was right but I wanted him terribly. I wanted to see his face when his lips are agape and his eyes are lidded. I wanted to hear him unravel just from being inside me. 

“I need this connection Oliver. I want you inside me more than I ever have please don’t reject me.”

“I’m not rejecting you Elio... why are you feeling this way so intensely? Do you want a pill?”

“No I don’t want a fucking pill I want you to fuck me Oliver.”

I lunged at him and wrapped my body around him and winced when my ribs collided with his. 

“No... Elio.”

He peeled me off and stared down at me with his hands resting on my shoulders. 

“Please tell me why you’re acting like this.”

“I don’t want to talk can you please just touch me and let me touch you.”

“Ok. If you tell me why you want me inside you so desperately I will make love to you against my better judgment but you have to tell me right now.”

I sat with his words and I knew Oliver would keep his promise. The only way I was going to heal is if I was honest. I also knew my raw confession would come with a reward. 

“Oliver. My dream the one where I wouldn’t let you touch me after and I went to the bathroom... well I had a dream that you were there with the men and ummm...”

I didn’t anticipate the words to get stuck in my throat. Suddenly I wasn’t so sure if having Oliver unravel me was worth me vocalizing my dirty subconscious. Why did my brain conjure up that scenario and why was I going to tell Oliver... it would break him. Why was I so selfish? 

“It’s ok keep going.”

He held me against his chest so I didn’t have to make eye contact with him and I continued speaking only because of how badly my body wanted him. 

“And umm... you raped me.”

I felt Oliver hold his breath. As if his regular steady heart beat turned to stone. I felt panic wash through me instantly but because Oliver was at a loss for words I continued. 

“I just want to remember what it’s really like to have you inside of me. I want reality. I want you and your goodness. It felt so good when we did and with everything I’ve just forgotten and maybe I won’t dream about it again if you remind me how...”

Oliver cut me off with the most passionate kiss I had ever received. I moaned into his mouth and instantly went limp in his arms. I could feel his tears dripping into my mouth and the taste brought me back to our first night together. Oliver lifted his lips off mine to catch his breath then broke the silence. 

“Tell me if you want me to stop and I will. We’re going to be talking a lot ok. You have to communicate with me.”

I was so thankful he didn’t harp on the subject further. I nodded my head feeling the familiar tingling sensation in my stomach and numbness behind my ears. 

“Can I ask for something?”

“Of course.”

“Can I just lay on my back so I don’t have to move? The only pain that’s still intense is my ribs and I don’t want to have to...”

“Of course. Anything... anything for you Oliver.”

As he spoke he placed my back against the sheets and removed all my clothing. He removed his own and I felt anticipation start to flush my skin as I watched Oliver undress. He was already hard and I felt my mouth involuntarily water when I raked my eyes down his body. 

“Do you still want to.”

“Always.”

He worshipped every inch of my body with his feather light touches and open mouthed kisses. I felt my cock begin to leak onto his stomach as I moaned with need. 

“Good so far?”

“So good Oliver please...”

Oliver kissed my cock then moved me into my side. I was disappointed he hadn’t taken me into his mouth until I felt his tongue on my hole. I was still slightly sore but the moisture made me more pliable. I groaned when he stuck his tongue inside me and I felt an overwhelming need for him to go deeper. 

“Your fingers can you...”

Before I could finish I felt one finger slip inside me. My mouth fell open at the warmly familiar sensation. Only Oliver could get these visceral reactions from me and knowing that made my eyes tear. 

“Elio... are you ready? We still don’t have to.”

I motioned for him to snake up my body then I held his head in my hands.

“I love you Elio. Please make love to me.”

Oliver then reciprocated by breathing his own name on my lips and positioned himself at my entrance. He slowly pushed his hips into me as I grasped his shoulders for support. I realized my nails were digging into his skin so I opened them to rest on his chest. 

“I love how much hair you have.”

“I love how smooth you are.”

He moved his hand up and down my stomach and chest as he spoke. He stayed inside me without moving while we continued talking. 

“I don’t have to move. This can be it if you want.”

“I just want to feel you for a bit. Can you lay down on top of me?”

Oliver placed his full body weight on top of me while we were still connected. 

I stroked his back while I felt his cock pulse inside of me.

“When I was getting raped I thought about us to get through it. How good we are together. I think my body was built for you.”

“It’s all for you Elio... whenever you want.”

Oliver’s voice was so husky it made my cock jump against his stomach. 

“I love how responsive you are.”

He breathed in my ear as he lifted himself from me. 

“You can move now.”

Oliver gently moved within me while he stroked my length. 

“Does it feel good or does it hurt?”

His compassion made my heart flutter so my only response was to place his hand on my heart. He kissed me once I placed my hand on top of his then spoke into my mouth words that only I could hear. 

“Do you want me to cum inside of you?”

I thought about his question. And the answer that popped up in my head surprised me.

“No...”

Oliver kissed me and opened my mouth up with his tongue as he slipped out of me and came on my cock. I hissed automatically when I felt the liquid hit my flesh. 

“Uhhhh feels so good.”

“Do you want to cum?”

To anyone else the question would have seemed ridiculous but he probably sensed I was running low on energy. I love how well Oliver knew my mind and body.

“We can try. It’s ok if I don’t.”

“Ok.”

His blissed our expression caused me to radiate my happiness through my smile. 

“So beautiful...”

Oliver spoke as he ran his hands up and down my sides. He lifted his thumb over my lip then descended down my body and swallowed me earnestly. I jolted at how warm and wet his mouth was. God I loved his mouth. I loved looking at his eyes when he licked me. I loved hearing and feeling him moan around me. I loved that he was tasting me and him. Suddenly I felt my vision blur and my head jolt with a rush of blood.

“Wow... can you slow down I feel lightheaded.”

He popped me out of his mouth and started to stroke me delicately. 

“Is my hand less intense?”

I instantly felt my heart rate slow and my blood pool from my head to my groin.

“Yes that feels so good Oliver I’m gonna...”

He swiped his finger over my slit and I came undone underneath his body. As I started to shake he released my cock and brought me to his chest. He held me securely against his sweat streaked body as if I was going to go somewhere. 

“You’re so strong Elio... I’m so consistently in awe of your bravery. Thank you for letting me be here.”

“Oliver I’m so thankful for you. You make me happy... so happy.”

My words were hushed and jumbled in my endorphin filled orgasm aftermath. As I felt my slumber fall upon me I recalled the events of the last week and thought about my gratitude. All my emotions swelled when Oliver placed something I instantly recognized on my neck. It was my star. 

“Where... how...”

“There was nothing in the ocean your parents went to look for it.”

I turned around so Oliver could clasp it and I felt a small part of me return symbolically. He laid me down and pressed himself flush against me so our gold pendants were combined. I felt my breathing even out as I let myself be so organically in the moment because this was a moment I knew I’d remember for the rest of my life.


	22. His Blood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments. I’m so glad you guys are enjoying the story. Thanks for spreading the love! Enjoy.

I couldn’t sleep. The only reason I said I was tired downstairs was to whisk Oliver away. However, in truth I was exhausted. I was lethargic before we started and now I was slowly descending into a pain spiral. My thighs were cramping furiously and my insides felt burnt and charred. I didn’t have the heart to wake Oliver, he looked so tranquil and relaxed. 

“Breath Elio you’re fine.”

Hearing how uneven my speech was made me even more anxious. I felt the familiar tightening in my chest and instant indigestion. Don’t throw up. Don’t do that to Oliver. 

“Oliver wake up I... I.”

My entire body was sending off frantic signals that something needed to be expelled. I needed to cry or maybe vomit. Suddenly I felt my throat close and I couldn’t breath. I looked down to see my body shaking violently. Oliver jumped from the bed the second he opened his eyes and then I felt him shove something in between my lips. 

“Inhale.”

A cool burst of air was filtered into my lungs. 

“One more.”

The second time I could feel air building and I could finally take a somewhat normal breath. Oliver placed two tubes in my nostrils before he ran to the bathroom to get a cold rag. I felt sticky and hot so I assumed I broke out in a sweat earlier. What’s that pressure? Why? 

I jumped at the feeling of contact at my neck then hit a hard surface. Where was I? I looked down to see that it was the bedroom floor. Did Oliver touch my neck? What if it wasn’t Oliver? I could see all their faces staring down at me vividly. 

“Don’t hurt me I’ll be good I promise.”

I let myself hyperventilate while I hugged my knees far into my chest. They must be here. They can hear me. They’re just pretending that they can’t. 

“You can have me just please don’t choke me... Please.”

“Elio look at me. It’s Oliver. I’m the only one here. You’re at home.”

My entire soul released large amounts of tears and drool at Oliver’s words. 

“I’m so sorry.”

I was sobbing so uncontrollably Oliver had to consistently remind me to breath. I couldn’t hear his voice behind the sharp ringing vibrations bouncing in my skull but I read his lips. I got the hiccups once he placed me on the bed and with each one I felt an indescribable pain near my entrance. 

“Elio tell me what you need.”

“Just hold me. It’ll go away.”h

In the past week I came to know the difference between anxiety attacks and panic attacks. Anxiety came often but the only other time I had panicked was seeing the man and after my dream of Oliver. This was the worst one because it wasn’t slowing down. Now I understood why they sedated me. Anything, give me anything.

“Please make it stop. I can’t anymore.”

Oliver placed me against his chest then immediately pulled back like I punched him in the gut. He stared at me worriedly and placed two fingers to my neck. He laced his fingers around the other side of my face with the opposite hand. 

“Elio you need to breath. That’s all you have to do. Look at me just breath with me.”

I responded to Oliver’s wishes and felt my heart rate slow as a result. 

“Good... better.”

He placed the cold compress behind my neck and folded my curls on top. 

“Lay down.”

When I rolled over I felt the familiar sensation of Oliver running his fingertips down my back. I turned around so I could look at him and saw Oliver on the phone. 

“Yes hi Marzia, what time are you coming over today... ok..yah... ok... that’s what I thought. Ok yes yes see you soon. Ok take this.”

Oliver rushed over to me with a bottle of water and a pill. I swallowed it without question and held onto his bicep so he wouldn’t leave. Why was my lip wet? My fingers touched my nose and collided with a crimson liquid. Shit. I felt a large amount of blood release from deep within my nose. I could feel the pressure in my eyes and temples and I couldn’t help gasping. I felt something cool. A towel and ice. Who is here? 

“I’m not going anywhere angel I’m right here.” 

Oliver. It was always Oliver. Why was I so broken? All this happened because of nothing. Nothing was wrong, no one was here, I was safe. I hated myself more in that moment then I ever had in my entire life. Oliver swiped a tear that fell down my cheek with his thumb and kissed my forehead. Despite my self hatred headache I was starting to come down from my unwelcome high. I knew my entire body was still slightly vibrating and I felt uncomfortably sick still.

“I’m going to the bathroom.”

The second my feet met the floor my knees buckled. Oliver caught me with ease and scooped me into his arms. He placed me on the toilet and sat on the ground next to me. He ran his hands up and down my thighs as I felt myself expel small amounts of blood periodically. 

“Elio are you bleeding?”

I didn’t want Oliver to know because I wasn’t actively bleeding before we had sex but I was now, and I didn’t want him to feel responsible. 

“No I don’t think so I’m fine.”

“No you’re not sit forward.”

“I’m fine, I can do it!”

“Do you want me to go?”

“Yes.”

My answer came out much harsher than I intended it. Why did I sting him so aggressively? The only person that would have ever stayed after witnessing such a meltdown, I was asking to leave. Oliver looked at me apologetically and left. I felt the room start to slowly turn as my eyes tried to focus on one piece of tile. I don’t know how long I sat there for many reasons. There was still blood dripping out of me, the pill was starting to make me feel disassociated, and I didn’t know if I would fall once I stood. After an extended period of time I cleaned myself up and wobbled to the bed. Oliver was sitting at the end with his head in his hands. 

“Are you ok?”

“Yes I’m fine. Are you ok?”

“Yes I’m fine.”

I repeated Olivers phrase to him knowing that we both were lying for fear of hurting the other. I smiled having realized this and fell into his arms. He laced his hand around my neck and massaged my back as I listened to his heart thump. All my nerves came back when I heard a knock at the door. 

“It’s ok it’s Marzia.”

“Hey...”

Marzia instantly walked toward me and sat on the bed. 

“Do you want to talk with Oliver or without.”

I didn’t know what to say because I didn’t want to hurt Oliver more by having him hear me talk about my vile experience but I also didn’t want him to feel shunned. 

“Do you want to stay Oliver?”

“I want what you want.”

What did I want? I wanted to talk to Marzia alone. 

“Alone I guess.”

“Ok. I’ll be downstairs come get me if you need anything.”

He didn’t touch or kiss me before he left and as the door clicked I felt myself start to heave with emotion.

“It’s ok Elio you’re allowed to cry.”

“I just feel like I’ve been doing it so much... I’m tired. I’m so tired of having to deal with this.”

“Is Oliver helping or are you feeling slightly suffocated?”

“No no he’s helping so much I just... I worry about him. Can you talk to him too? I think he struggling more than he’s telling me.”

“Of course. How do you feel physically?”

“Well I was feeling better but Oliver and I had sex and now...”

“Elio... why? The last time we spoke you had reservations if you ever wanted to again... did you feel pressured?”

“No! No. If anything I pressured Oliver. I needed him after I had this dream that he raped me and I needed to feel him because I couldn’t go through that again.”

“Have you had the dream more than once?”

“No just the once.”

“Emotionally do you feel like you’re losing control?”

“I lost control a long time ago now I just feel like I’m losing myself.”

My words came out so hushed I wondered if Marzia heard me. She gave me multiple different prescriptions and went into my PTSD therapy program, cognitive behavioral therapy program, and a sexual assault support group if I chose to go. I suppose my comment was a good segway for Marzia to overwhelm me with help which I was humbled to receive.

“Thank you. I feel better after talking to you.”

“Ok good, that’s why I’m here. I’ll see you tomorrow Elio, call me if you need me. Do you want Oliver to come back up?”

“Yes, if you could send him up that would be great.”

After a few minutes I heard the door creak and I was met with Oliver’s perfect smile. 

“Hey... she said you had a great session. You feel ok?”

“Better. Can we sleep?”

“Of course.”

Without words or explanation we both breathed in unison and exchanged kisses until I felt the pill soothe me to relaxation.

“I can’t see the men today... tomorrow... Marzia told me she would come.”

“Ok. You can always change your mind.”

“I know... you know, there’s one thing I’ll never change my mind about.”

At the end of my sentence I bit his bottom lip and sucked it into my mouth.

“Ow. You’re awful.”

He pecked me then dropped his head into my boney shoulder. 

“Sleep. We’ll eat and go for a walk tonight.”

A walk. I don’t know what that meant but I was happy I was allowed to feel the breeze on my face soon and even if I couldn’t walk I knew Oliver would carry me.


	23. His Happiness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Appreciate all the comments! I didn’t check this chapter because I was in a rush so it’ll be edited later. So enjoy the rough draft I guess haha.

The past two days went in cycles of me panicking, Oliver calming me down, then me falling asleep. I usually had nightmares and then the entire cycle started over again. Oliver and I fooled around the first night and had sex today. I knew today was still Tuesday but it didn’t feel like it because of the constant pain and misery. At least it was dark out so I knew it was night time. I had been reading and playing with Oliver’s hair for hours while he was asleep. I was thankful he set up an appointment with Marzia because she really gave me a lot of tools to try to better myself. I knew the only person that was capable of making a difference in my anxiety was me. I was flipping through a stress disorder book while trying to memorize certain grounding techniques. I felt much better. It may have been the copious amounts of medication I was on or knowing Oliver and I were going for a walk when he woke up. I loved doing anything with Oliver and lately I felt like we had become voluntary prisoners of this room. I looked at these walls differently the past 48 hours and I wanted that to change. I wanted our room to be a tranquil place not a panic infused prison. I felt like we needed a break. Not from each other but from the situation. I decided when Oliver woke that I would really get a gage on how he was doing. I was currently stable and in a shockingly good mood. I felt immensely lucky, serene, and slightly drugged. The pain was still pulsing through me but it wasn’t alarming. My insides were uncomfortably sore but I felt my discomfort was worth the emotional bliss I had from feeling Oliver inside me. 

“Stop... don’t don’t...”

I could see tears run past Oliver’s closed eyelids and I watched him in fascination whilst deciding what to do. 

“Don’t tell mom please...”

In that moment I knew I needed to save Oliver from his subconscious. I had to make the decision he had made so many times before for me. I placed my hand on his forearm and began to rub him soothingly. 

“Oliver wake up...”

Olivers eyes sprang open and he blankly stared at me. After a moment of his eyes rediscovering mine he embraced me. 

“Thank you.”

His words came out as a sob and I was instantly concerned. 

“Oliver what did you dream about?”

Oliver put his head in both of his hands the way I had done so many times before and I felt my heart contract at the sight. 

“My dad.”

Who would ever harm Oliver. Is this how Oliver feels when I’m in pain. It’s worse than being the one in pain. I felt so helpless. I had no idea what to do and I felt my entire soul spiral into darkness as I watched Oliver shake. I decided to wrap my arms around him and let him cry into my shoulder. I repeated Oliver’s own words from earlier today back at him.

“I’m so in awe of your bravery.”

This caused Oliver to lift his head and kiss me sloppily with his hands in my hair. I removed my lips from his to speak.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not right now. Do you still want to go on a walk?”

“Yes, I’ve been looking forward to going outside.”

“Ok.”

He hopped off the bed enthusiastically. The visual of Oliver smiling from ear to ear with a tear still wet on his face made me weak in the knees. I was so eternally grateful for him. I wanted to ask him so many questions but I completely understood not wanting to discuss a dream so I entirely dropped the subject. 

“Thank you for being here.”

Oliver turned around from facing the dresser and responded immediately. 

“Thank you for letting me be here.”

Oliver threw me his pair of red shorts and my Talking Heads shirt and smirked at me. 

“So I’m wearing a piece of me and you?”

I chuckled at my own sarcasm and was met with an overly sincere expression on Oliver’s face. 

“I hid myself most of the summer when I wore those and to know that in private you were open enough with yourself to violate my shorts in your own room that I was sleeping in makes me...”

“Horny.”

“Proud.”

We erupted into laughter at our different word choices. 

“Horny too, I suppose. But proud Elio because you knew... you knew all along what you needed. You still do, don’t forget that.”

I was surprisingly moved by Oliver’s thoughts as I tostled the red material in between my fingers. 

“Did you wash these?”

Oliver began to laugh again.

“Of course I did. What am I an animal? I mean believe me I would have loved to let your cum stay there but... sociologically...”

At that invitation I lunged to my feet and bit down on his shoulder. As I was on the tips of my toes attempting to bite his jaw I fell forward into his chest. He caught me with ease then pushed me slightly backward. 

“Get dressed, don’t distract me.”

“You’re getting mad at me for distracting you?! You can’t give me a speech like that and not expect me to bite you.”

“That was hardly a speech.”

“Oh really... Professor?”

Oliver laughed at my wit as he continued to dress. 

“Wait if you’re not going back to America where are you finishing your PHD?”

“It’s on hold for right now I’ll finish it when this is all done.”

“I don’t like the idea of your putting your life plans on hold... for me.”

“It’s not for you it’s for us and by that time you’ll be in school as well. Don’t worry it’ll all work out.”

I don’t know if Oliver was trying to convince me or himself but I nodded allowing him to run with his fantasy. I also was whisked away by the word us. Us. Oliver. A thought popped into my brain and I needed to ask before it was gone. 

“Oliver do you still gamble?”

Oliver scoffed in surprise at my question but answered non the less.

“I mean I would if I had time.”

I laughed at his answer then put my sandals on.

“Why do you ask?”

“Well I was thinking while you were asleep one of the men knew you and said he was a “betting man” and I thought... I hadn’t asked you if you knew anyone from Crema.. maybe from the gambling bar.”

Oliver stood stunned and his expression relayed anger.

“What did he look like?”

“He had brown hair... tall... kind of fat... in his 40s... brown eyes.”

I could feel my neck clench at my own description. Oliver noticed my change in demeanor and stepped closer to me. 

“I might. If you don’t want to go identify I can go tomorrow to see.”

“No I’ll go too... we’ll go together.”

“Ok. You ready?”

I nodded quickly as he entwined my hand in his and flew down the stairs. 

“Where are you both going? You skipped dinner!”

“I wasn’t feeling well I’m going on a walk!”

I screamed to my mom as we skipped through the door. I knew both my parents wouldn’t mind if I was out and about with Oliver. My dad was too engrossed in his philosophy book to even notice our absence when we passed his study. My mom on the other hand had followed us out the door to yell from the steps.

“Be home in an hour!”

We both laughed at the severity of her tone that we both knew was an act. 

“I love your mom.”

“I do too. Where are we going?”

“Your special place.”

I felt my heart drop into my stomach as I stopped in my tracks. 

“Why?”

“Because it’s yours Elio. It’s always been yours. You shared it with me when our lips first touched and then people took it from you. Took its symbolism away from you... I want you to take it back. That place is as much yours as I am.”

I didn’t think any words could convince me to go back but Oliver’s poetic deceleration of love made me determined. 

“Ok.”

I knew it was about a mile from the house but before I could start to prepare myself Oliver spoke. 

“We don’t have to be there for long.”

I nodded in relief. I wanted to brave. I’ve been feeling so weak lately. I wanted to prove something to myself because I seemed to be the only one not seeing the progress that I am continuously told I’m making. They’re probably lying to me. For my benefit, of course, but it was still all lies. I was honest. It was a trait I loved about myself at one time. I wasn’t going to abandon it now. The truth was I had made no progress other than not killing myself. I was done crying, I was done hyperventilating, now I was just fuming in annoyance. How had I not thought about inconvenient this is for everyone. Me, Oliver, my parents. For the first time I started to crackle with anger not for myself, but for them. This only happened because of them. Not me or this gorgeous place we were approaching or Oliver’s acquaintance with one of them. No. It was just their sin, alone. I was always pure and I still am... because I’m still here. In a matter of minutes in the comfortable summer night breeze and the crickets, my honesty set me free and I did it alone. 

“What are you thinking about over there.”

“I’m not gonna tell you.”

I had a sudden idea to unclasp my hand from his and run to the pond. I took all my clothes off as quickly as I could before I could give anything a thought and jumped in the freezing cold pond. Oliver followed right behind me and jumped in on the opposite side. 

“This is a horrible idea but I have a funny feeling it’s important to you that I join in on your madness.”

Oliver’s face was screwed up in discomfort at the temperature of the water. It was colder than the last time I brought him here and even then he responded with...

“It’s freezing!”

I mocked him as I spkashed water on his knees. 

“Well it’s colder now!”

“Yah it’s fucking freezing let’s get out. I’m running home I’m so cold.”

“No elio don’t run!”

I didn’t stop I just kept making each foot gracefully clunk far in front of the other. I screamed at him to follow me. I told him if he caught me he could do anything to me amongst other obscenities in Italian. I hoped Oliver heard but I had no problem speaking the language to the trees, grass, and sky; that had been with me just as much as Oliver and my parents. I felt one large arm scoop me up as I was sprinting. Oliver slowed his pace until we were both stopped. We were both dripping with freezing water which caused a slight steam to float around us from the warm weather. The warmth of his breath on my neck actually caused a convulsion to ripple up my spine. I laughed at the sensation as I leaned into kiss him. The second I felt Oliver’s tongue on the roof of my mouth I heard a loud car horn. 

“Maureen, What the fuck are you doing here?”

Oliver screamed at the car evidently just as shaken as me. 

“Elio’s mom called me earlier today and I said I could come after my shift. What the fuck are you two doing out here all wet? Get in the car!”

I couldn’t help bursting into laughter at Maureen’s obvious anger. 

“Shit.”

We both scooted into the car and exchanged knowing looks of various jokes that would come as soon as we were alone. Oliver couldn’t suppress a scoff that escaped his throat which triggered an instant speech from Maureen. 

“Elio... do you understand how important it is we keep your fever down! Oliver does that register with you?”

“Hey don’t talk to him like that! We were having fun. You haven’t been there like he has no one has really seen what’s going on I needed to get out of that room.”

Maureen paused then shrugged her shoulders before continuing.

“I’m sorry I had a rough day. I’m sorry I scared both of you.”

Oliver’s demeanor instantly shifted to concern and sympathy. 

“What happened? Do you want to talk about it?”

“No maybe some other time.”

I knew that that meant; not while Elio is here. Which non intentionally made me feel like “the adults will talk when the kids go to bed.”

“Why did you just do that?”

“What?”

Cross your arms over your chest. 

“No reason.”

I uncrossed them quickly and knew Oliver figured me out. During sex and romance I loved Oliver’s intuition but in times of private thought I hated it. When we got to the front door and I saw the look on my mothers face I knew I was about to revive another lecture. I turned to Oliver with another silent gesture. He laughed into his hand and tried to conceal it as a cough. When I saw my dad begin to laugh I couldn’t suppress my lungs. I didn’t believe in happiness as a constant state of mind but more of a euphoric beat in time; and right now I was happy.


	24. His Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys there will be another chapter in a few hours cause I can’t sleep haha. Enjoy!

Once I caught my breath from my laughing seizure I realized how freezing I was. 

“I’d love to stay and chat but I think Oliver and I are gonna catch cold.”

“Go go go.”

My dad shooed us to go shower and Oliver and I ran off once we were cleared. As soon as we entered the bathroom Oliver turned the shower on and ripped off his damp clothes and mine. Once I felt the water hit my back it reminded me of the that night. That night. When Oliver ran back with me in his arms and the water hit my back in the same way and stung from the contrast of freezing flesh and burning water. 

“Elio... it’s ok. Come here.”

I folded myself into Oliver without protest and let him soap my body. When I felt his hands on my back I grimaced at the contact. 

“Please don’t touch my back like that.”

I could feel that he was caressing inside the hand print marks which made me feel instantly ill. Oliver turned the water off abruptly and faced me to him. 

“We need to talk about that Elio because we can’t be how we are and you still deny me access to one of the largest non sexual surfaces on your body. It’s your back... Elio it’s ok.”

He slid his hands down as he spoke and I felt my skin crawl. Oliver didn’t understand. Which was ok. But I needed him to.

“What do you want to know? Or talk about? That I can still feel their hands on my back? Still see their faces? Oliver it’s not you it’s that whenever you touch me there, my body gets this feeling... to just escape. To not let you touch me... don’t you think I feel ashamed!”

“No no I wasn’t scolding you and you shouldn’t feel ashamed. I just think we need to do something about it, together.”

Oliver continued to caress my back the way he had tried to do in the hospital before I corrected him. 

“You know in bed you let me scratch your back.”

“That’s different. The contact feels different than... that... stop.”

Before Oliver could speak I pushed him back so he wasn’t touching me anymore.

“Stop when I tell you to Oliver! I... I... Hate it I hate that a part of my body that you touch makes me feel sick but it’s reality so please just stop.”

“Can you just come to bed and listen to my proposal.”

“Very formal.”

I winked at him as I felt a tear drop down my cheek. He took my hand and led me to the bed before sauntering over to lock our door. 

“Well first off I know that the only reason you jumped in the freezing water was so you could have an excuse to literally run away and not stay there. And that’s ok... but....”

“No... I just wanted to... well the idea just came to me.”

“Maybe consciously but subconsciously the decision had scope.”

I bit my bottom lip in thought. Before I lifted my eyes from the floor I felt Oliver pull my lip out of my teeth into his playfully. 

“Can I hear your idea? Or proposal... a wedding perhaps?”

I was completely joking but the loving look on Oliver’s face at the mention of marriage made my chest expand.

“Would you want to get married?”

“At one point of course, now only if it was to you. But that’s not the current proposal.”

“Ok well what is it?”

“You don’t like your back touched because the sensory sensations remind you of your trauma right?”

I shook my head. 

“Ok... so maybe if I touch your back that same way while you’re feeling pleasure we can change your sensory reactions.”

“I don’t know if that’s how it works but if you want an excuse to get in my pants...”

“We’re both naked already.”

I started laughing at his assessment then started pondering his idea. 

“We can try but if I say stop...”

“Of course.”

Oliver pulled my body into him and started casually sucking on my neck and ear. I felt myself harden against his thigh as he continued. 

“We’re not doing anything major right now because you have to talk to Maureen... and I know you were trying to hide the fact that you were bleeding today.”

“I’m sorry I just I didn’t think I would bleed from you being so gentle and I didn’t want you to feel responsible.”

“I know I know. Right now in this moment... what do you want?”

I had an idea but I felt my cheeks flush at the thought. Then Oliver’s continuous ministrations on my neck only made my entire body rise in temperature. I couldn’t suppress a needy moan that escaped my lips as he palmed me lightly. 

“I love the sounds you make.”

Oliver trailed his other hand up and down my stomach as I wiggled in his hold. 

“Don’t hold back, tell me what you want?”

“Can we taste each other at the same time?”

I noticed Oliver’s cock twitch against his stomach as I hissed in his ear. 

“Ok, it’ll be easier if I’m laying down.”

I knew Oliver wanted me on top so he had access to my back which made my blood stir. He wrapped his hand around my head and brought my forehead to his before beginning. It felt like a prayer before dinner. To express gratitude that was unnecessary but important to the mindset of the participants. 

“We can stop whenever, ok.”

“Ok.”

Oliver laid on his back waiting for me to swing my leg over his face, which made me feel...empowered. Knowing that I had control and that he was waiting to lick me and be sucked made my loins bubble. Once I lowered myself on to him I felt myself encased in his velvet mouth. The sensation jolted my body forward into his cock so I licked it as my body was pushed back and forth. Oliver popped me out of his mouth to speak. 

“God you’re a tease.”

“Well it’s kinda hard to concentrate with you... ahhh....”

Oliver was now alternating between licking my entrance and cock which turned me into a writhing mess. I tried to focus on Olivers cock but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t having difficulty. I lifted myself slightly backward at the sensations and twisted my head to make eye contact. 

“Can I moan around you?”

“Only you would ask a question like that with such an innocent expression on your face.”

I smiled slightly embarrassed before I felt Oliver stick his tongue inside me. 

“Shit...”

I knew I had to stop making noise because of everyone downstairs. I took the permission I had been given to moan around Oliver. He writhed underneath me as I turned the tables, bringing him different variations of intensity with my mouth. 

“God Elio...”

I felt his hand snake up my back as he spoke. I felt my back and ass tingle at his touch and I smiled at the fact that it felt...good. I only took him deeper to show my gratitude. I felt a splash of pre cum hit my throat as he took me in his mouth again. The feeling of Oliver’s soft head encased in my throat and my ass fluttering on his tongue caused me to start shaking in pleasure. Oliver was now continuously running his hands up and down my back and it only added to the over sensory stimulation. I reached back to rest one of my hands on top of his. He took the hand that was entwined with mine from behind my back to rest at our side. His other hand however continued rubbing my back. I arched my back so my ass was slightly hovering above his face as he growled into me. The vibration of the guttural noise pushed me over the edge. 

“Oliver... I...”

Oliver deep throated me as I started coming while he latched both hands to my back with pressure. I arched into the pressure his hands were seeking while I felt my cum run down his throat. I convulsed periodically because he was still sucking and cleaning me after I had came. Once I could breath properly through my nose I repeated the same procedure on Oliver. As he started to cum silently I felt his hands continue to caress my back with now fleeting touches. I was shocked at how I was starting to crave them. He touched my back only when I felt him swell and twitch inside my mouth. 

“Elio it’s been awhile you can stop your jaw is probably... oh my god..”

In truth my jaw and throat were both sore but I needed to swallow and clean him in the same way he had done for me. I started to pepper lazy kisses on his hips and thighs as he ran his hands up and down my back again. 

“Was that ok? How do you feel?”

I swung my leg back over his face and turned to him. The sight of Oliver’s face wet with my juices made me lean forward to lick him. Once I retracted my tongue I spoke into his now open mouth. 

“Amazing... thank you.”

“Right back at you. Are you sore? How was me touching your back?”

I decided to lie and tell the truth. 

“No I’m not sore and yes it felt so good.”

“You’re lying about one of those things and I have a feeling I know which one.”

Oliver laced his hand around my jaw and lightly pressed down on my throat. It was sensual and loving and I didn’t even slightly feel threatened. 

“I’m sure your throat hurts.”

“We should go downstairs.”

“Damn, your defense mechanisms are good.”

“You studying psychology now?”

“I have to keep up with you.”

My entire being felt warm with multiple thoughts. I couldn’t believe I came while Oliver was touching my back. I felt proud for bringing him the same amount of pleasure because my self esteem was still shockingly low. It was good to be reminded that I was not only loved but also lusted after. I was finally completely out of my orgasm coma as I lifted a shirt over my shoulders. 

“You good to go downstairs?”

“Yah do we look ok?”

“You look a little flush but just say we took a hot bath. That’ll account for the time.”

I laughed at Oliver’s thought out plan that wasn’t actually thought out at all. Oliver had “proposals” and solutions quicker than anyone and I felt lucky to borrow his skill set so I could escape certain situations. 

“Just a heads up in like 30 minutes I’m gonna say I’m tired and going to bed.”

“Something tells me you’re not tired and you’re definitely not going to bed.”

“Talk to everyone for 15 minutes after I leave then come to bed...I’ll be waiting.”

Before Oliver could ask any questions I unlocked the door with haste and bolted down the stairs.


	25. His Memory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It might be a few days before another update or maybe I’ll update tonight. I never know these things. Thanks for Kudos and comments. Enjoy!

“Took you two long enough.” 

My mom and dad were sitting in an identical cross legged position on the sofa and Maureen was in an armchair. 

“Yah sorry I was really cold.”

“Would you mind if we talked in private Elio?”

“No not at all.”

“Is your room ok?”

“Yes that’s fine.” 

Oliver took Maureen’s place on the arm chair and started to talk to my dad. The only thing I heard between Maureen and my footsteps were the words transcript, Beach, and tomorrow. I made a note to ask Oliver what he and my parents were discussing later. Maureen closed the door behind me then sat on a chair from the dining room that was still in my room from when my mom sat with me. I sat on my bed cross legged and automatically started fiddling my thumbs. 

“How are you feeling Elio... physically?”

“Good and bad. Mostly bad but not as bad as a few days ago so I guess better.”

“So what’s better and what’s not better?”

“My ribs are the same. It’s hard to breath still... my neck feels better though... inside I don’t feel ummm...”

Maureen’s expression changed as she folded her legs in protest of where she assumed I was headed. 

“Oliver and I had sex today...”

Before I could continue Maureen’s palm was placed on her forehead with her elbow resting on her knee. I heard a quiet sob then moved toward her to put my hand on her shoulder. 

“Elio... I lost a very close friend of mine today. He used to be a nurse. I was very fond of him. I’m not crying because you both had sex but... I mean Elio are you still bleeding?”

“Yes.”

She shook her head in disbelief. I was brought back instantly to Oliver licking the blood off my chest. Why did he do that? People were dying and I was having sex while blood from my previous attack ran down my leg. What was I thinking?Why had I acted so reckless. Why was Oliver not afraid... why didn’t I stop him? 

“I’m sorry... it’s complicated.”

“I know and you’re both negative but it’s better to just not for right now. Maybe I’m being overly sensitive, in fact I know I am but I just don’t want anything to happen to either of you. It’s better to be safe than sorry.”

“I know and we were.”

“Did you use a condom?”

I had to lie. I couldn’t look at Maureen’s face if I told her the truth. 

“Yes.”

“Ok. Good. Well do you feel ok after having sex?”

“Yah I feel fine. I’m in the same amount of pain as before. No more but no less.”

“Ok. Your parents told me you saw Marzia today. Did she give you some emotional support?”

“Yes. She’s great. Maureen can I ask you something?”

“How do you know if you have it?”

“Usually by the time there are signs there’s not a lot of time left.” 

I nodded my head quickly as I felt my eyes flood with tears. 

“I’m sorry you’ve lost so many people. I’ll try to take better care of myself.”

“Elio you are, you really are. Oliver is taking care of you too... I just worry about a few things.”

“I know I’ll be safe. We’ll be safe.”

“You still have your appointment with me tomorrow and we’ll check everything then. Your mom seemed pretty concerned on the phone... do you feel better since this morning?”

“Yah a lot better.”

I yawned quickly then apologized for my rudeness. 

“No no you should sleep. Get some sleep and I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Did you eat? I hope they wined and dined you.”

“Yes it was an evening I desperately needed. Get some rest.”

Once I heard the door close I patiently waited for Oliver’s arrival. When I saw his face however, I burst into tears. 

“Elio what’s wrong...”

I couldn’t breathe I couldn’t see. I felt so sick... whose to say I wasn’t sick, really sick. And if I’m sick Oliver is too. 

“Oliver, look at me.”

I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t let him distract and overwhelm me with his name like he always does, I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t deserve any of it. He lifted my jaw against my will and the gesture automatically made me feel ill. 

“Don’t.”

“What the fuck did you two talk about, you were fine 15 minutes ago.”

When Oliver spoke I decided to look at him without hesitation. He looked concerned and uncommonly handsome. 

“You’re very pretty.”

“Me... pretty, no. You’re very pretty though... you’re beautiful.”

Oliver’s tone was so genuine and filled with sincerity I felt more tears fall down my face. 

“We should have used a condom. I don’t want to, I still don’t, but we should.”

“I know. I thought the material might have hurt you. You’re not healed yet we shouldn’t have had sex in the first place. I think Maureen was disappointed in me.”

“I’m not. You don’t know what that did for me emotionally. Oliver, every time you stretch me I heal just a little bit.”

Oliver pulled me into his chest and ghosted his lips over my neck. 

“Can you heal me?”

I unlatched myself from him to make sure I understood completely. 

“Please. I need you.”

Oliver’s voice was low and raspy. I tried to relax him by running my skeleton fingers down his neck and hair. He seemed erratic to me and I wanted to heal him but not in the way he was suggesting. 

“I don’t think I can right now.”

“Why, are you tired?”

I wasn’t. I slept most of the day. 

“No I’m not I just... I don’t trust myself with your body.”

“But I do. I’d let you do anything to me Elio.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I don’t mind.”

Oliver started to flush a bright red across his neck and chest which I assumed to be embarrassment and arousal. 

“I don’t think I’m going to be very good at it.”

I felt so small and weak. I didn’t want the burden of trying to make Oliver feel good. I know what it can be like when it’s really bad and I didn’t want him to go through that.

“Elio. If you think you’re going to disappoint me in anyway you’re wrong.”

I nodded my head and let it fall on his chest. 

“Can we take a rain check and do something else tonight.”

“Of course.”

I flinched at him running his hand down my back. 

“See! I’m not getting better... I’m so pathetic. You really want someone to fuck you that cries when their back is touched!”

Oliver caressed my back again with a lighter touch and wiped a stray tear from my neck with his tongue. I shivered at the sensation and arched into him. 

“Can I say something overtly honest to you right now. You can say no.”

“Yes of course you can.”

I was now scratching Oliver’s forearms from a sitting position.

“I don’t think you want to make love to me because you don’t think you deserve it. That somehow I’m better than you, you’ve said that yourself. Oliver... we’re the same. We always have been and we always will be.”

I let the word Elio escape my lips while I grasped at his shirt to come off. 

“Nothing tonight, I just want to feel you.”

He discarded both of our clothes and encased me in his body. I was so much smaller than him. In his embrace I felt swallowed and safe. 

“I love your skin.”

I was touching Oliver everywhere and hadn’t realized I was affecting him the way I was until I felt his cock leak on my stomach. I leaned forward slightly to suck his pulse point into my mouth and he arched into me automatically. 

“If you don’t want to do anything that’s ok but...”

Oliver was having problems relaying his message with my lips still latched onto his neck. 

“If you just want to do this that’s... that’s ok but I’m gonna need to go the bathroom.”

I removed myself from his neck and brushed a single golden lock from his face. 

“How long has it been since you’ve masturbated?”

“Weeks. I’ve only been with you.”

“Can I watch?”

My eyes were cast down to the sheets because I was embarrassed to ask. When Oliver looked at me his eyes hooded with lust, my interest overtook my shyness as I continued. 

“I want to watch you touch yourself.”

He traced his thumb around my lips while I let my head fall back. 

“I want to lick you when you’re done.”

“Jesus Elio...”

He hissed the syllables into my ear as he pushed his pelvis into my thigh. 

I removed myself from him and sat on the other end of the bed. Oliver smiled at me warmly then passionately locked our lips together before he sat back against the headboard. He trailed his hand down his abdomen and actually flinched at the contact of his own hand against his flesh. He began to work himself in slow deep strokes while his other hand rested on his stomach. 

“God Oliver... I’ll fuck you tomorrow I will... I think I’ll die if I don’t.”

I felt an unmistakable thirst course through my blood stream at the sight of Oliver placing a finger in his mouth. I sat dumbstruck and watched as Oliver coated his finger in saliva and then circled it around his hole. When he pushed his finger inside his ring of muscles and flesh I let a breathy moan escape my lips. 

“Have you done that before.”

“Yes...”

When had Oliver done this before? Had he been fucking himself with his hand when we weren’t together? Had he been craving me inside him this entire time? 

“Ahhh...”

Oliver appeared to reach an angle that brought a bright flush to his neck and arch in his back. 

“I only think about you when I do this.”

When I heard his breathy speech I couldn’t hold back any longer. I lunged forward and removed one hand from his cock and the other from his dripping hole.

“Can you teach me how?”

“No. You’ll learn just try.”

I felt empowered that Oliver trusted me to bring him pleasure no matter my inexperience. I brushed my finger over his hole and watched Oliver shudder underneath me. I had barley touched him and he already looked wrecked. I let his ass suck my finger in as I took his cock into my mouth. I felt his abdomen contract as his stomach muscles clenched against my cheek. 

“Elio I’m so close... don’t stop.”

In truth I had never seen Oliver so pliant and helpless, it gave me an idea. I suddenly removed my lips from his cock with a slurp. 

“What... what are you...”

“Didn’t you say you wanted to be edged?”

“Not right now... I’m gonna fucking explode. Fuck...only you would remember that right now.”

“I remember everything... remember.”

I never broke eye contact as I continued to stroke him with my fingertips. He was wiggling so much his entire body was off the bed at this point. 

“Keep moving like that I’m gonna have to tie you up.”

Oliver could only moan at my words as I let go of his cock completely and only worked his ass. With the small amount of strength I had I put his hands above his head while I massaged a small button inside Oliver. The spot I found made him leek pre-cum and beg me for more. I couldn’t believe I was getting such visceral reactions from Oliver. He looked absolutely stunning when he wasn’t in control. Is this how he felt when he called me beautiful? 

“You’re gorgeous.”

Those were the words that unraveled him. I watched adoringly as he came violently against the air. The only thing that was tethering the movements of his shaking cock was the pad of my finger on his prostate. I knew what it felt like and watching Oliver continuously shake made me feel even more connected to him than I already did. His entire body was bathed in sweat and his stomach in cum. I removed my hand from him and put it in my mouth to taste. Once I swallowed his juices I lapped up the sweat and cum from his entire torso. I was shocked at how much I enjoyed working him while he was malleable underneath me. 

“I think you killed me.”

“Well I am an angel.”

I knew I was the farthest thing from it but Oliver liked to call me that. I didn’t deserve that or his name but I accepted it because he asked. 

“Want to shower?”

“You have to give me a second... you just killed me remember?”

Before long I noticed Oliver closing his eyes and then I heard the familiar hum of his chest. I placed my head on his collarbone so I could feel the vibration of his throat as he slept. Before I could wake him up and move us to the shower I felt my eyelids close and the tempo of my breathing begin to match his.


	26. His Future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So as you all have noticed I really love writing in real time. However, in order for me to continue the story there’s going to be a little jump in time in the next chapter. If I skip around with time I’ll always give a heads up. I really enjoyed writing this chapter and took slightly longer than I normally do. Enjoy! The French translation is at the end. Comments and Kudos spread the love♥️

“Elio...”

“Hmmm let me sleep.”

“You have slept for like 13 hours you need to take your meds.”

I pried my eyes open and felt the sunlight burn into my soul.

“Too bright... where are you?”

“I’m right next to you, you goose.”

I looked up and saw Oliver standing at my bedside table with four pills and a cup of water. 

“Can I stay in bed today? I really don’t feel good.”

The moment I heard Oliver say my name I felt nauseous. My body was constantly sore. My muscles burned and my bones ached. I noticed the familiar knife like pain in my neck and shoulders when I first arched my back, once I fully recovered from my slumber. However, despite my physical discomfort, I felt much better mentally. I loved doing anything with Oliver but being intimate with him relaxed me in a way I hadn’t expected after my ordeal. The way he touched and caressed my skin had not changed since our first night together. He was always excruciatingly gentle and so loving it made me feel safe and grounded. I adored knowing that he wasn’t treating me differently. Internally, I prayed my restful sleep reassured him that I thoroughly enjoyed myself the day and night before.

“Take these all together. You can stay in bed but you have an appointment with Maureen at the hospital at four. We can go to the police station after... only if you want to, or another day, or not at all.”

Oliver titled my head into the water and handed me the pills. I swallowed them quickly then opened the covers for him to join me. 

“One second let me get undressed.”

“Why are you dressed?”

“I went running then got breakfast.”

“And probably just happened to stop at a gambling bar... perhaps?”

Oliver scoffed at me as he took his converse and shirt off. 

“Perhaps.”

“Anything to share?”

“No, nothing in particular.”

Oliver was hiding something. I didn’t know what and I was disappointed I couldn’t read him as well as he seemed to be able to read me. I decided to downplay my curiosity and trust Oliver’s nonchalance. 

“Ok. Can I ask for a favor?”

“Of course. Anything.”

It was then that I realized how bloodshot and puffy Oliver’s eyes were. He hadn’t been this close to me the entire morning. Now with his face inches from mine and our bodies pressed together I knew something had happened. 

“Ok well pause on what I was going to say. What happened... you’ve been crying. Why?”

“Truthfully nothing eventful. I went to the bar, a lot of my friends were there. The guy you described was not, which makes sense. And then I ran home past... your special place and I don’t know. I couldn’t stop crying. I just sat there and cried. I should have been there for you. I tried to imagine what I would have done. My mind just imploded and that’s when I ran back home. I couldn’t stay there... I brought a book to read but... I couldn’t.”

“What book?”

“That’s what you got from what I just said!”

Oliver was laughing now and brushing my cheeks with his thumbs. 

“I have more questions. That’s just the first one.”

“Bonjour Tristesse.” 

“You’re joking.”

“No...”

“An interesting choice. Why?”

“I was skimming your shelves and I saw you made a few notes inside. I wanted to read the book so I could read your notes.”

“Very invasive.”

“Do you mind?”

“No not at all. Did you read it?”

“Only the first few pages. But I did skip to all your notes.”

“Traitor.”

“To what!”

“French literature!”

We were both laughing so hard I took the opportunity to tickle his stomach and arms. I swung my leg over his thighs but before I could fully straddle him he flipped me over so I was underneath him. 

“I read French literature quit often.”

I noticed by his smirk and knowing grin that he was talking about me. I lightly slapped his chest then leaned up to press my forehead against his. 

“I’m thankful you weren’t there. You would have either seen or they would have hurt you.”

“You were alone. All alone. When I was alone there I just... god it sounds stupid... but I felt it. It felt weird to sit there. The pain you must have gone through. I’m so sorry Elio.”

He was tracing my ribs, which he often does when he apologizes for my ordeal. 

“Ok now I have two favors.”

I lifted my forehead from his and rolled over onto my side as I spoke.

“Never apologize to me for what happened. You have helped me more than you’ll ever know. I’m so thankful that you’re even here. I mean god... you’re still here Oliver. You stayed for me. You didn’t have to do that and you still don’t have to. I worry about you and your family... you and your education... I just...”

“Elio, hey stop it’s ok...”

I assumed Oliver sensed my manic speech patterns and thankfully stopped me before I imploded. 

“When I’m not on tranquilizers let’s really talk about some stuff. You’re not letting me share my concerns and they’re real concerns. I’m not crazy.”

“I never said you were. The first priority for everyone in this house is you. It should be for you too. Your health and mental stability comes first. Please don’t worry about me. The only thing I need to keep me sane is you.”

I let my lips brush against his jaw and cheek. Then placed my forehead back on top of his, the same way as earlier. Oliver and I breathed together for a few moments before he broke the silence. 

“How do you feel right now?”

“In what way?”

“Physically?”

“Not good, but better, everyday is a little better.”

“Ok, what about emotionally?”

“If I talk I’ll probably get shaky and I feel really relaxed right now. Do you mind if we talk about trauma later?”

Oliver laughed then spat my candor back at me.

“Whenever you want. There’s enough trauma for us to fill a lifetime of conversations.”

I felt my heart contract at his sentence. Who knows the kind of trauma Oliver has gone through.The pain behind his eyes trickled into me regularly. I wanted to uncover the truth in his tenderness but the timing needed to be right. I wanted to be stronger for him so I could listen properly. Oliver interrupted my train of thought with his breath on my neck. 

“What was the favor you were gonna ask before I rudely interrupted you.”

“If you could massage my neck and shoulders but umm... I’m really tired I don’t want to do anything physical.”

“No problem... come here, just lay back.”

Oliver spread his thighs so I could lay in between them with my back resting on his chest. He reached for a bottle of lavender oil that was on my bedside table and began to work my shoulders with his thumbs. 

“I’m gonna go pretty light. Tell me if it’s not enough or too much.”

“Ok... that feels good. Really good.”

Oliver and I laid like that for an unknown amount of time while I let my eyes droop from his skilled hands. When his hand brushed my spine I felt a storm of shame strike me. I was so skinny. No. I was emaciated. I knew I was and so did Oliver. I assume he chose not to force me to eat like Maureen did because of how often he had seen me vomit. I was thankful I wasn’t facing him so I could let my tears freely fall without exposing myself. 

“Elio no don’t!”

He grasped my wrist in his hand and I saw a sight that shocked me. There were a few drops of blood on my fingertips and a tear through my collarbone. I felt my bones chill and throat close at the image my brain was collecting. 

“What... I... I was just itching...”

“Yah maybe a second ago... I’ll be right back, let me get some stuff.”

What was happening? Why was it that I only got a minute or hour of peace before panic. I felt so out of control. I knew illogically I was disassociating but I was having problems communicating that to Oliver. When I looked down there was a bandage on my collarbone and towel draped over my thighs. I heard a snapping sound and looked down to find Oliver was clipping my finger nails. 

“I’m sorry.”

“Hey, you know how you told me never to apologize. Well same goes for you. I don’t want to hear you apologize for any of this. None of it.”

I agreed with him and let myself inhale his message.

“Oliver, I didn’t even know I did that.”

“I know. If Marzia’s at the hospital today maybe mention the scratching and that it happened once while you were awake. Were you thinking about anything in particular before you did that?”

“How emaciated I am.”

Oliver instantly took my boney jaw in his oversized hands. 

“Elio you were never a large person to begin with. The weight will come back with time. With panic and trauma there is often times a lot of nausea plus your physical injuries. It’s better for you to eat when you’re hungry then force your body to eat only for it to reject it later.”

I couldn’t hold myself back. Not only did what Oliver said make sense but it concerned me. It was evident Oliver knew about trauma beyond books and doctor visits. I was lost for words because of the pulsing in my brain and throbbing in my skull. I threw my arms over his shoulders and hugged him to me while pondering what to say. 

“Seule la fermeture des portes derrière elle ouvre les fenêtres vers l'avenir.”

Oliver gave me the most genuine smile I had ever been blessed with. He held my gaze as he walked toward the porch and opened both patio doors to let the warm breeze caress our skin. We held each other delicately while we waited for the next adequate reason to force us from the present moment into the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The quote is from the book they were discussing earlier and translates to:  
> Only closing the doors behind her opens the windows to the future.


	27. His Hunger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guys! Thanks so much for the comments and Kudos. I love knowing what you guys are enjoying. There is a time jump in this chapter and there will be more to come. Tell me your thoughts. Thanks for all the support! Also warning: this chapter contains talk of eating disorders.

Oliver and I developed a routine. We would read, swim at the river, listen to music, go out at night, come home, have sex, sleep, then I would wake up screaming from a nightmare and Oliver would soothe me. It had been four weeks since I had gotten out of the hospital and I was consistently waking up in terror every morning. This morning was no different. 

“Shhhh it’s ok I’ve got you. I’m right here, you’re at home.”

I continued to sob into Oliver’s chest hair as he stroked my back and neck. 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I shook my head no. Last night was a common nightmare that visited my subconscious frequently and I didn’t want to think or talk about it. The men were all staring down at me laughing and telling me how disgusting I was. In this particular dream they didn’t even touch me but for some reason it always left me feeling devastated. They told me Oliver would leave me. That I had AIDS. That I deserved to be raped. That they hoped I bled and starved until I died. 

“No.”

“Ok.”

Oliver went back to scratching my back and neck. Almost all my bruises were gone other than my neck and ribs. I noticed only yesterday that the handprints were gone, finally. 

“Elio we need to talk about something.”

I looked up at him through my tears and gave him silent permission to continue. 

“You’re not eating. You never eat. Elio, I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re under 100 pounds right now. Are you talking to Marzia about this at appointments.”

In truth I hated eating. I came to enjoy the feeling of starving myself which I hoped no one would notice. I craved the feeling of my stomach aching and my temples burning. 

“Elio when you starve yourself... your body first eats away at the fat for energy. Then it moves onto your muscles then bones then organs.”

“Why are we talking about this right now.”

“Because I don’t want you to kill yourself.”

Oliver’s reaction was so quick and concise I wondered how long that was a concern for him. 

“I’m not going to slit my wrists Oliver I’m fine...”

“You know that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about just... not eating. Your parents and I talked and you have to go somewhere if you keep...”

“Go where... what the fuck... no! I’m not going anywhere... I...”

“Hey hey, you’re not going anywhere yet I’m just saying if you have an eating disorder there’s places that help and...”

“No no I don’t I’m fine.”

Oliver grabbed my hipbone and rib cage. His right hand covered my entire rib cage and half of my back. His left hand encased my entire hipbone and pelvis. I shook against his hold as I continued to sob. 

“I’m not trying to scare you Elio but look. Just look.”

“That’s normal. You have big hands.”

He let go of my hipbone and wrapped his entire hand around my thigh from thumb to ring finger. The visual of that made me start to hyperventilate. What was I doing to myself? Oliver was probably disgusted by me. How had he been intimate with me all this time. I was just a bag of bones and flesh with unresolved trauma. I felt so sick. I couldn’t throw up right now. That would just prove his point and I couldn’t be taken anywhere. I didn’t want to be anywhere but home for a long time. 

“Oliver I think I’m gonna vom..”

Oliver let go of my bones and leaned my head over the bed into a trash can. I threw up the small amount of vegetables I had eaten last night and instantly felt better. The burning sensation in my stomach and pelvis returned quickly and I smiled at the pain. 

“Angel... you need help. Please let me help you.”

Oliver’s voice was so shaky I knew he was crying. When I looked up from the trash bin he was silently glaring at me. 

“I’m so disgusting... I love throwing up Oliver...I do. I hate having a full stomach. But my favorite thing is not eating at all. I get hungry but it passes and I’m left light headed and closer to death. I’m sorry but other than you that’s the only thing I need.”

Oliver exhaled a deep breath then we sat in silence for a minute. 

“Elio my dad abused me for 11 years. I didn’t eat for a lot of that time. I wanted to die my entire childhood. I tried to kill myself twice. Once with pills and once by inhaling gasoline. I was so miserable death seemed so needed. I craved it everyday. I fantasized about killing myself or dying by a freak accident. But then I went to college and realized that life events aren’t forever. My childhood will never be repeated and I’m free from them finally. You set me free. And after college well then... I met you and you taught me what it means to be alive. And I know that...”

I couldn’t resist kissing Oliver at that point. I wanted to run my fingers through his hair and kiss him absolutely everywhere anyone had harmed him. His own family. I was so angry but I didn’t want Oliver to feel it was directed at him. I sucked, licked, and kissed all around his neck and chest before he pulled my head up with his hands. 

“Elio I know you want to be there for me. I don’t tell you details or talk to you about it because you need to take care of yourself first. I can’t make you eat.”

“I know. I know. I’ll talk to Marzia today.”

“You have an appointment today?”

“Yah, isn’t it Monday?”

“Oh it is. Well, Elio just think we can go anywhere in the world when you get better. Just use that as your motivation.”

“I will.”

I still hadn’t made love to Oliver but in this moment I wanted to be inside of him desperately. Not even for sexual reasons particularly. I just wanted to crawl into his muscular tan body and inhabit it. I didn’t want to deal with my porcelain flesh and lack of fat anymore. I wanted Oliver’s deepest thoughts and feelings about his childhood. I wanted all of him.

“Can we have sex right now or is my body too vile.”

“Don’t say things that you know aren’t true just to put yourself down.”

Oliver began sucking at my pulse point and running his hands up and down the inside of my thighs. 

“We can have sex after you eat something.”

“Ok, congrats you got me to eat.”

“Something tells me that’s not what they do in a facility.”

“What use sex as a reward system?”

“Fall deeply in love with patients.”

Oliver slipped his tongue inside my mouth and licked all the crevices of my velvet warmth. Before we could escalate he unlatched himself from me and pranced down the stairs. I felt anxious energy settle in my soul in Oliver’s absence. Can I eat? Yes. I have to, for Oliver. And in truth I had been starving since the morning I went running in Oliver’s green swimsuit.


	28. His Name

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So I truly have no idea how long this story is going to be, so we’ll see. Any suggestions or comments are appreciated! This is kind of my favorite smut I’ve written so far... so enjoy!

Oliver returned with a plate of spinach and chicken. 

“Is that what you guys’ ate last night?”

“Yah, and that’s another thing no more missing dinner.”

“I know I know.”

Oliver sat the food down in front of me and even though it took me about 30 minutes I ate all of it. I wanted to show him I was serious about bettering myself. I would also do anything to stay out of an institution and I didn’t want my parents to have to pay for something so trivial. In truth, I would never think it was trivial for someone else but it seemed like a choice for me. I was starving myself because it felt good, because I wanted to hurt. Oliver kissed my forehead and I smiled up at him. 

“Can I ask you something?”

He nodded and combed my hair out of my face with his palm.

“During sex can you hit or choke me?”

I don’t know why but I thought in that moment that it would feel good to have Oliver hurt me. We shared everything. He was always asking me what I wanted. Why stop being honest when things got dark?

“No...”

Oliver could barely speak the word. He wasn’t even looking at me. His eyes were still settled on the plate. Finally he placed one of his hands back on my boney face. His fingers caressed my ear while his thumb laid in the dent between my cheekbone and jaw. 

“Elio... why would you want that?”

I reacted quickly and without thought. I let my racing heart lead my lungs into speech. 

“I don’t eat because it hurts. I like the pain, I feel like I deserve it. I’m going to start eating... because I want to get better for you. But I also crave that pain and I thought maybe if you... Oliver are you ok?”

I could feel Oliver’s thumb trembling against my cheek. His eyes were bright red and when he finally blinked a stream of liquid escaped. He started running his hands up and down my neck as if he was worshipping it. 

“I’ll never hurt you Elio. Even if you want me to. I won’t. I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry I made you so upset.”

“No... I’m ok. It just truly upsets me to know that you are actively trying to bring pain on yourself. I just... after everything I went through...”

“Oh Oliver I’m so sorry. I’m so dumb I shouldn’t have...”

“No no it’s just I understand that some people like that sort of thing during sex...but I can’t.”

“You know, I had a feeling something happened when you told me our first night together that no one wants to be in pain. I even wanted you to hurt me then and that was before all of this.”

Oliver nodded and appeared to be really listening to each word that hung in the air before responding. 

“What do you want to do right now?”

“I want to make you feel better, I hate seeing you cry.”

“Right back at you.”

I kissed Oliver’s tears then licked them into my mouth. Oliver and I hadn’t had sex in four days because if I didn’t initiate or voice my desires Oliver never asked. Earlier I wanted to be inside him but now I was feeling nervous about hurting him. The timing didn’t seem right for that particular activity. 

“Can you make love to me?”

“Yes, that I can do. I’ll never deny you that my love.”

After he finished his sentence he latched his mouth to mine and inhaled my tongue. I moaned into him and surrendered my body to him. It was ok if he didn’t hurt me but I wanted him to be in control. I voiced many times that that’s how I wanted it, always, or at least right now. It took the pressure off of me to decide anything. Oliver pushed my shoulder so I was laying down and started kissing and caressing my entire body. He lifted his eyes to mine and I felt my pelvis tingle with anticipation. 

“I love you.”

I needed him to hear it. We had said it before but it felt different this time. It was a declaration and an apology. I wanted him to know one more thing. 

“I trust you.”

“I think I have an idea.”

Oliver looked at me wickedly and I felt all my nerves rise to the surface. 

“I’m not going to hurt you. But I’ll tie you up if you want.”

“Yes...”

I arched into his chest as he started stroking me. 

“Ok. I’d let you do the same to me. You’re welcome to whenever. I trust you. I love you.”

The words he just said sounded so beautiful coming from Oliver’s mouth. In that moment I wanted to cum in his mouth. I wanted him to swallow all my self hatred and I wanted him to give me his. Let us heal each other by trusting one another. Oliver tied my hands above my head with one of his shirts then raked his fingertips down the underside of my arms. I couldn’t suppress a moan at how intense the sensation felt. 

“God I’d let you fuck me dry right now.”

Oliver didn’t speak. I was much more vocal during intimacy than Oliver was but we complimented each other well. When I felt overwhelmed I spoke, Oliver touched. He touched me everywhere but where I needed him most. I tried to arch up into him but I just ended up twitching violently on my own stomach. 

“You’re so sensitive.”

He breathed the words on my belly button before taking me into his mouth. I hated that I couldn’t touch him and I suddenly felt restrained. 

“Oliver can you untie me?”

I hated how shaken my vocal patterns were but I could feel my anxiety start to bubble and I didn’t want it to spill over into Oliver.

“Yah... are you feeling nervous?”

“Kind of... I don’t like that I can’t touch you.”

“Ok we can always try another time. If you want.”

He pulled the knot off with one hand then I let my hands wrap around his neck. He took the invitation to boost me into his lap so I was slightly above him. We kissed for almost an hour. We just rolled around the bed caressing, stroking, biting, and licking each other. It felt good to take our time and I was surprisingly granted with the pain I had wished for. My cock was throbbing and straining for contact. I didn’t know how much longer I could last without Oliver inside me. 

“Please...”

Oliver laid me down quickly and nestled his face in my hole at my request. He swirled his tongue with varying intensities as I felt my eyes role back and pre-cum leak out of my slit. 

“Ahhh... oh my god... stop I don’t want to cum before you’re inside me.”

He laughed into me and I squirmed at the vibration. He sat up while never breaking eye contact with me. I guided my lower lip into my mouth and bit down while eye fucking Oliver. He guided himself inside me and I released a euphoric moan when I felt him push all the way in. 

“So good. You can move as fast or as slow as you want. I’m ok.”

“What do you want?”

“You to use my body for your own pleasure.”

I wasn’t expecting the look on Oliver’s face. He looked sad. He looked like he was contemplating something deep inside himself and then was suddenly lost. I sat up with him still buried within me and kissed him apologetically. It was in moments like this that I was reminded that Oliver was as sensitive as me. We understood each other because of our own individual experiences. I knew for some reason what I said shifted something in his mindset. I got him here and I needed to bring him back. I sucked at his jugular, stroked him lazily, and tightened my ass around him. He gasped into my ear and held onto my lower back for balance. I began to move myself in slow circles while never breaking eye contact.

“You’re so tight. You’re so perfect.”

Oliver’s words caused my head to fall back dramatically. The sensations were also elevated because of our emotions and previous conversation. I felt Oliver’s pain in his hardening cock. I wanted to release him from everything that was keeping him traumatized. 

“Let me take your pain away. Just give it to me.”

That was my last ditch effort to ask Oliver for what I so desperately desired. When I was done moaning the words on his collarbone he did something that shocked me. He pushed my body down so my back was on the bed and my hips were hovering off only supported by his hands. He lifted my body with one hand and wrapped the other around my neck. He didn’t press down he simply placed it there. He rolled his body into me in a way that made me feel something I had never felt before. My ass started to contract around him and I grabbed onto the wrist that was holding my neck for support. 

“Have you ever came like this before?”

“No... what are you doing... Jesus... ahhhh...”

The tip of Oliver’s engorged cock was flicking against apart toward the front of my pelvis that was causing an electric current to erupt through my body. 

“Please touch me.”

“Trust me... you can come like this baby I know you can.”

Without changing the angle that was ruining me in all the best ways he quickened his pace and slapped his skin into my bones and flesh. My ass and insides started to pulse rapidly. What was happening? Was this normal? Was I going to be in pain soon? I only felt intense pleasure and I couldn’t help the ridiculous moans and gasps that were escaping my wet lips. 

“Oliver...”

At the same time Oliver said his name he slowed his pace and pulled himself almost all the way out and slammed back into me. My body began producing a liquid that slicked Oliver’s cock periodically. The pleasure was so vivid I felt tears start to prick my eyelids. Then suddenly the electric current sparked the base of my loins. I grabbed Oliver’s forearms violently and spasmed around his cock as mine released large amounts of cum on my own stomach. 

“Fuck!”

Oliver pulled my entire torso into his and held my body affectionately as he came inside me. My ass was still fluttering around him which caused my body to coax all the cum out of him. I pulled my body off of his and kneeled to lick him. 

“Elio... oh my...”

Oliver’s cock was bright red and I knew he was probably throbbing with sensitivity. However, I was too selfish to care and wanted to taste him. His hands flew to my black locks before he lifted my chin. 

“I think you just came a little bit more.”

Oliver didn’t speak he just let his head hang back so I took the opportunity to lick all the way up from his groin to his lips. He wrapped me in his arms and we both collapsed on the bed. 

“Oliver I want to sleep but I think my appointment is soon. What time is it?”

Oliver leaned over me to check my watch. He smelled of sweat and sex and I wanted to bury my nostrils in his pores. 

“Shit! Yah we have to go. Come on we gotta get in the shower.”

The moment my feet collided with the floor my knees buckled and my ankles gave out. Oliver caught me and scooped me into his arms. 

“Sorry about that you just literally fucked my body into no longer working.”

Oliver laughed then turned the shower on. The water felt so good and I hummed my approval into Oliver’s ear.

“I hope my parents didn’t hear.”

“They definitely probably did.”

At this moment I knew there were more than enough reasons for me to save myself from myself. I had Oliver, my parents, great doctors, a beautiful country. Oliver had been wounded too and he was dealing with things simultaneously. We were together in all of this. In the same way my ass needed the pressure of his cock. My heart needed the tenderness of his touch and honesty of his soul. I knew I was capable of giving Oliver love but for the first time in a long time I felt like I deserved it. When I came to this realization I let my name fall out of my throat with devotion. It was then that a part of me returned to the land of the living because I felt, finally; that I deserved to call Oliver by my name.


	29. His Lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for the comments on the last chapter! I mean wow... just so much support. In truth, I’m going through a fair amount of hardships in my life right now and writing this has been an escape for me; and to know that you’re all enjoying it fills my heart with happinesss. I may just upload another chapter tonight cause I’ve been writing like crazy. As always tell me what you guys’ think!

“I don’t really want to go to my appointment.”

“And I don’t really want to take you but these are things we have to do.”

Oliver held on to my entire body weight as the water began to cascade down my back. When the water trickled into me I felt a burning sensation at my entrance. 

“Ow... fuck.”

“You faking cause you don’t want to go?”

Oliver’s giggles were short lived when he noticed the genuine discomfort written on my face. 

“Hey Elio... talk to me.”

My thighs were starting to cramp and I was nervous that my entire body would give out any second. All I could do was hold onto Oliver’s forearms and lock my knees. As soon as Oliver finished speaking I felt the unfortunate familiar feeling of needles inside me. I looked down to find blood dripping down my leg into the shower. Oliver followed my gaze then stared at me apologetically and stroked my cheek. 

“Turn around.”

“No... I’m fine.”

“No you’re not... you’re bleeding Elio.”

My response came out automatically before I could give it any thought. 

“It happens a lot.”

“What?”

Fuck. Why did I say that? I had been hiding the fact that I was bleeding consistently after sex. I didn’t want him to worry and I also didn’t want him to stop making love to me for fear of injuring me. I didn’t mind the pain because giving Oliver pleasure was one of the only things I felt like I could still offer. 

“This happens a lot... why the fuck didn’t you tell me that.”

Oliver’s tone of anger made my chest pulse uncomfortably and I suddenly felt sick. He noticed my change of stance immediately and moved me to the toilet. I hunched over and threw up the spinach and chicken I had eaten only two hours before. 

“That’s another thing... are you forcing yourself to throw up or do you constantly feel ill.”

“I’m fine... let’s just go to the appointment.”

“No we’re not going anywhere until you talk to me. Elio, how are we going to be together if you can’t be honest with me?”

In truth Oliver’s words made complete sense. But all the times I held my tongue I didn’t think of it as lying. I simply thought that I was saving him from my pain.

“Do you bleed consistently after we have sex?”

There was no point in trying to lie anymore. I nodded my head while my jaw was cast down to the shower’s floor. 

“Can you turn the water back on I’m cold and I didn’t wash my hair.”

Oliver turned the knob and soaped my body and hair in silence. His touches felt rushed and not as gentle as he normally was. I could tell he was irritated and needed space but he felt an obligation to stay with me. I gave him metaphorical space by not speaking until we both finished. Once we got out he routinely wrapped me in a towel and rubbed my back. 

“You said earlier, use my body for your own pleasure. Is that why you’ve been having sex with me? To satisfy me, when you’re obviously in a great amount of pain.”

I couldn’t help tears that escaped my dry eyes. I attempted to speak through my uncertainty of how to respond.

“I... I... I want to make you feel good. I want to give you everything you want Oliver... I’m fine.”

“Stop saying that!”

Oliver’s raise in vocals shook me and I felt my neck start to contract. Suddenly my hands started to vibrate and my ears popped. Oliver instantly noticed the beginning of my anxiety flare and held me to his naked body. 

“I’m sorry... I’m so sorry. I’m getting flustered because I don’t want to be responsible for the reason you’re in pain. I can’t... I can’t be the reason that the person I love the most in this world is suffering....”

By the word love Oliver was sobbing into his hands. I was so taken aback by his outburst that I just sat there silent. 

“People hurt you Elio and people hurt me can we please agree to not hurt each other... and vocalize it if we do.”

“Yes.”

I had so many things I wanted to say and so many apologies I had coursing through my brain. However, just like always Oliver summed up my feelings and his perfectly. I smiled at him warmly attempting to shift the tone. 

“I’m sorry I yelled at you.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

I held my hand out in homage to the day we spent with my father at the beach. 

“Tregua?”

Oliver grinned at me and shook my hand gently. 

“Come on let’s get in the car we’re probably so late.”

Just as Oliver finished his sentence I heard an aggressive knock at the bathroom door. My mother’s parental voice echoed through the panels.

“Elio! You have an appointment in 10 minutes are you even dressed? Is Oliver in there?”

“Yah we’re almost done! I’ll take him!”

“You Americans aren’t very punctual!”

As soon as my mother’s voice appeared it disappeared. Oliver threw me a shirt and shorts while he dressed himself quickly. Oliver grabbed both of our sneakers then took my hand and started down the stairs. 

“Later!”

Oliver bellowed through the villa. Before we could hear any responses Oliver had me in the car with my seatbelt fastened. He skidded the car past the gravel and on to the dirt road with haste. 

“I didn’t survive all of this shit for you to kill us in a car accident.”

Oliver laughed at my candor while lightheartedly nudging my shoulder. 

“Put your shoes on.”

“Ok mom.”

“I’m am not your mom. I’m not screaming.”

“You were earlier.”

“Yes... I was upset, I still kind of am.”

“What are you still upset about?”

I continued to tie my laces for longer than necessary so I had a task to keep me distracted. 

“I’m upset that you allowed me to hurt you... I’m angry that you think so little of yourself. That you just assume that you’re a body for my dick.”

Oliver’s words had a bite that showed his disapproval for my self esteem issues. 

“I just don’t want you to go...”

“I’m not going anywhere, you know that. Your body isn’t mine to take at my leisure. It’s yours and you need to start prioritizing yourself. I can’t care for you on my own I need your help.”

In this moment I felt the most naive I had in my entire life. What part of my 17 year old brain thought that Oliver would stay if I gave my battered body to him without conditions. The consequences for that were endless and in all honesty my pain was not going away with us still being regularly sexually active. Before I could relay my thoughts he continued his monologue.

“We’re not going to have sex for awhile. A few weeks at least. I don’t trust you not to lie about your discomfort.”

“Weren’t you the one that said we had to trust each other.”

“Yes, but you have to prove to me you can be trusted. I don’t ever want to make love to you and see a pool of blood dripping down your legs again.”

“You’re acting like you raped me! Oliver that was the best sex I’ve ever had... it was incredible... I loved every minute.”

“And I’m thankful for that but you can’t handle the aftermath.” 

“I can’t handle fucking anything.”

“Take a shot anytime Elio says I’m fine or puts himself down... we’d all be wasted.”

Oliver’s comedy had a tinge of malice and I knew he was serious. 

“Well what am I supposed to think of myself when I can’t stand up, I can’t handle food, I can’t have sex...”

“You’re supposed to think that you’re healing and maybe just maybe you can go a little easier on yourself. If this had happened to me you know you would do everything you could to make me know that it wasn’t my fault. And unfortunately I don’t trust you right now. Not because I don’t love you but you’ve lied to me about throwing up, you’ve lied to me about your discomfort, and who knows what else. I have to tell Marzia what’s going on so we can maybe find some new strategies...”

“Why are you treating me like a child! I can handle this on my own!”

“Elio, no one can handle this on their own.”

The sympathy in his voice made my anger settle and in its place gratitude ebbed in my heart. We sat in another interval of silence before I spoke.

“Ok... thank you Oliver... for everything. I’m sorry I’ve been lying. In truth... I do feel like I’ve made some small progress in some areas.”

“I’ve noticed.”

“Have you?”

“Yes, you’re calming down from your nightmares much quicker and even though you got sick you ate a lot of food today. These are good things.”

I kissed his cheek while he continued to go down the country road. In response to my affection he laced his hand over mine while caressing my palm with his thumb. The hospital was about an hour away and we still had about 30 minutes. After another five minute comfortable silence he spoke softly. 

“So do you think you’re going to do the homeschooling program your mom suggested for senior year?”

“Yah... you’re right about all the healing and progress I still have and I just feel that staying at home would be best. Are you going to work for my dad... or get another job... go to school?”

“Well I haven’t said anything because I’m still waiting but I may apprentice for an archaeologist that lives in Crema... and it pays very well... but there’s a fair amount of competition.”

“That’s great! I’m so proud of you. Do you have any other ideas about school or anything?”

“Well my PHD is on hold. I may finish next year I may not. My parents cut me off financially so I would have to take out loans. Another option is working for your dad while rewriting my book.”

“How many pages did you have before...”

“168.”

“I’m so sorry... I just don’t get some people... why would they do that to you.”

“Who knows with those people.”

The way Oliver said, “those people” gave no hint that he was related to said people. I knew he despised what they did to him but I wondered if he missed them.

“Do you ever miss them... or America?”

“I miss some of my friends back in New England... but sadly no, I don’t miss my biological family. We’re here.”

Oliver ran around to my door and opened it for me. When I looked up and saw the giant white building I felt a knot form in my stomach. I had come back a handful of times for appointments but the initial feeling is always the same. Fear. Oliver rubbed my shoulder lightly and pulled me into him while we walked toward the doors. 

“Can you come in with me today. I want you to be there.”

“Are you sure.”

“Yes. I don’t want to shut you out anymore. You’re as much a part of this process as I am.”

Oliver gave me a look that suggested “I would kiss you if I could.” So in that moment I decided to do it for him without a care that strangers would see.


	30. His Appointment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s the next chapter there might even be another one cause god damn I just keep writing haha. Enjoy!

The first thing I saw when I walked into the hospital was Marzia talking to Cleo next to the front desk while scribbling on a clipboard haphazardly. Cleo noticed our presence first and briskly walked toward me. She smiled at me warmly then pulled my torso into a hug. When she pulled back I could tell she was deep in thought. 

“You ok?”

“Yes yes, Elio do you mind if I get your weight before the appointment?”

She had hugged me with the intention of affection but realized once she had that I was just a skeleton underneath clothes. 

“Yes that’s fine.”

Marzia stepped closer so Oliver could hear her. 

“Oliver do you mind if I talk to you while they’re doing that.”

“No not at all, this door right?”

“Yes I’ll be right in I’m just going to grab Elio’s file, make yourself comfortable.”

Oliver disappeared into Marzia’s office while Cleo and I walked to the end of the hallway. Once we reached our destination I stepped on the scale. 100. It was ridiculous that I felt a small sense of relief that I wasn’t under 100 pounds. I logically knew that was still a startling number for anyone other than an eleven year old. 

“Do you mind if we give you some fluids?”

“No not at all.”

All the medical stuff went fairly quickly. Cleo and I briefly talked about my weight and some small personal matters. After I thought it would be best to go to Marzia’s office. When I got to the grey door I decided it would be polite to knock. I knocked twice then twitched my feet while waiting for a response. I hated being here. I tried to avoid every person in the hospital other than the ones I already knew. People probably thought I was a rude self righteous teenager. They also probably thought I had an eating disorder. Which I didn’t even know if I had.

“Elio great timing come on in. You can have a seat next to Oliver on the couch.”

The moment I sat Oliver wrapped his arms around me and allowed me to rest my back on his chest. I was surprised by the physical contact but not disappointed. 

“Ok... Elio this is your session. Is there anything you would like to talk about?”

“Umm well I just can’t stop vomiting I’m not trying to. It just kind of happened. I get so shaky and anxious that I throw up.”

“Do you ever feel hungry or no?”

“Yes I’m hungry all the time. I’ve been better about eating lately but a few days ago I was starving myself.”

It felt so good to finally be honest, especially with Oliver in the room. Marzia talked to me about anorexia and bulimia in sexual assault victims. She told me about a support group that meets Monday nights. 

“I can take you to that tonight if you want?”

“Yes I want to go.”

I had to do something different. The last thing I wanted to do was go to a support group but I wanted to show Oliver that I was trying. Marzia then shifted the conversation to sex and my desire for pain. That topic took up the rest of the session and it ended with her telling me that I shouldn’t have sex for two weeks. 

“Ok so do you want to do the same time next week?”

“Yes that should be fine.”

“Ok and Oliver did you want to do Wednesday?”

“Yes that works.”

Was Oliver seeing Marzia on his own? Self consciously I wondered if they were meeting to discuss me or if it was just a therapy session for Oliver. While I was deep in thought Oliver stood from the couch and opened the door for me. When we were finally in the car alone I began the list of questions that I was repeating in my mind.

“Why are you seeing Marzia alone?”

Oliver scoffed, turned the car’s key, then faced me while reversing. 

“Yah I am and before you ask me why... it’s just therapy for me, nothing specific. What was your weight?”

I didn’t want to tell him and I wondered if I could get away with lying. Was he testing me because he saw my file? Or was he asking me because he was there when Cleo asked for my weight. No matter the reason I decided on the truth but it came out as a whisper.

“100.”

Oliver sighed as if he was trying to take a breath that didn’t waver. 

“Oh but umm... Cleo told me that I have to gain at least five pounds next week or they’re admitting me. Can you help me do that?”

Oliver looked at me with a soft and proud expression on his face. 

“Of course. Thank you for telling me that.”

I nodded while a single tear fell down my cheek. We were silent for most of the way back while or hands ghosted over each other’s. 

“So Cleo looks Swedish but Maureen looks very Italian. Do you think maybe she was adopted?”

“I didn’t think about that but maybe. You could always ask... everyone at that hospital looks Italian but Cleo.” 

I giggled momentarily while Oliver brought my palm to his lips and kissed it as we pulled up to the house. I wanted to look at Oliver but my eyes focused on my delicate wrist.

“I bet you could break both my wrists with one hand.”

Oliver stroked my wrist with his thumb then kissed it. I was always taken aback by how sensual and gentle Oliver was. I wonder if he was like this with past lovers? Or if it’s something that only we share? 

“Oliver had you been with a man before me?”

“Wow that question was out of left field.”

“What does that mean?”

“You goose, it’s a joke... you know like baseball.”

I looked at him still confused and laughed. 

“But to answer your question yes one, I was your age.”

“Can you tell me about it... about him.”

“I suppose... if you’re interested. Come on let’s go inside.”

“How much time do we have before the support group?”

“Like 4 hours. Are you expecting a particularly long conversation?”

“Well I hope so.”

Before we got to the door Mafalda opened it with a bucket and sponge in her hand. 

”Sarà meglio vederti a cena stasera, così posso darti da mangiare! Sei pelle e ossa!”

“Lo so, lo so. Ti amo.” 

“Mr.Oliver, Prenditi cura di lui.”

“Lo farò.”

After I hugged and kissed Mafalda on the cheek we sneaked up quietly to my room and shut the door silently. Oliver immediately took off his shorts and shirt and got into bed. I followed his lead and inhaled the scent of clean sheets and Oliver’s subtle cologne mixed with pheromones. 

“You smell so good.”

“Thanks.”

He nuzzled his nose into my hair and inhaled. 

“What was his name?”

Oliver’s chest rose slowly before he spoke.

“Trevor. He was just some kid I went to high school with. He was a senior and I was a junior. We used to meet before Geography club in the single stall bathroom that was reserved for the handicapped.”

“You’re fucking with me...”

“Nope.”

I was laughing so hard my stomach started to tighten at each inhale. 

“Did you guys ever have sex?”

“No. You’re my first one for that activity. Speaking of which don’t try to seduce me for the next two weeks. You have to turn your charm down.”

“Simply not possible.”

I fluttered my eyelashes intentionally and winked at him.

“Tease.”

“Traitor.”

“Traitor! We hadn’t met! You’re telling me I’m the first man you’ve ever been with?”

“Yah, I’m 17 remember.”

“No, honestly I forget often.”

“Does our age difference make you uncomfortable?”

“No... no... not at all I just feel that we’re the same and it’s just interesting that I’ve spent more time on the earth that’s all. But no it doesn’t bother me at all.”

He started to tickle me under my knees and I reacted by shoving him off the bed.

“Umm Ow.”

We were both still bursting with laughter.

“You ok down there?”

“I’d be better if you were down here with me.”

Before I could roll off the bed and into Oliver’s arms I heard Mafalda ring the bell for dinner. 

“And you just got comfortable.”

“What! I’m on the floor!”

“No I mean you got undressed.”

“Oh.”

Oliver put the same clothes he had on minutes before and kissed my floppy curls before flying down the stairs. I smiled that he didn’t offer to help me get up. How was it that Oliver made me feel so independent but also cared for? I followed him down the stairs with a full heart and empty stomach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sarà meglio vederti a cena stasera, così posso darti da mangiare! Sei pelle e ossa!   
> \- It will be better to see you at dinner tonight, so I can feed you! You are skin and bones!   
> Lo so, lo so. Ti amo.  
> \- I know. I know. I love you.  
> Prenditi cura di lui  
> \- take care of him.   
> Lo farò  
> -I will. 
> 
> -


	31. His Support

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Thank you for all the support and comments. I LOVE knowing you guys are enjoying the story. I got a comment about continuing the same story five years later when I’m done with this one and I just might. We’ll see! Anyway, a new character appears in this chapter so... Enjoy!

Oliver and I enjoyed a leisurely dinner with my parents which took up the rest of our time before the meeting. Oliver wiped his lips with a napkin then turned to me. 

“We should probably get going.”

My father chimed in through a sip of wine. 

“Where are you both off to?”

“I have a support group that Marzia told me to go to.”

My mother grasped my father’s hand and smiled at me warmly. 

“Oh that’s great sweetheart. Well, go go don’t be late.”

“Get in the car I’ll grab the keys.”

The moment I opened the door I felt a wave of anxiety wash over me. Just because I was starting to really open up with Oliver doesn’t mean I wanted to talk with strangers about the worst thing that ever happened to me. I was doing this for Oliver because I wanted to show him that I’m willing to try different things in order to heal. Oliver interrupted my train of thought when he handed me a hot cup of tea. 

“Thank you.”

“How are you feeling?”

“I’m ok.”

“Are you really ok... your feet are twitching.”

“Well I’m always nervous when we leave the house, so let me rephrase. I’m no more anxious than I always am.”

“Ok.”

Oliver kissed my forehead and took my hand in his. He always drove with one hand on the steering wheel while the other was entwined with mine. I enjoyed the gentle stroke of his thumb over my palm and fingers as I gazed out the window. 

“You don’t even have to talk if you don’t want to. You can always just listen.”

“I know.”

“You ate really well at dinner, I’m proud of you.”

I scoffed at his kindness. 

“Thanks, you know that’s a pretty normal thing right?”

“Elio come on.”

“What?”

“Stop putting yourself down. Eating is hard for you and you ate a lot tonight, just try your best to not throw up.”

“I know.”

“We’re here. I’m gonna stay in the car. Marzia said to just check in at the front desk. I’ll be here the whole time. Ok. Leave your tea, I want the rest, you know you’re not gonna drink it all.”

“Ok.”

Before I could open my door Oliver took my tea with one hand and my jaw in the other.

“Be open minded.”

I kissed his wrist quickly then stepped out. The building was a small green house close to the beach. The architecture was quaint but suggested large amounts of money everywhere. There was a moat of flowers around the building, the doors looked engraved by hand, and the smell of the ocean nearby filled my nostrils and throat. You couldn’t see the ocean but I could feel the familiar cold breeze blowing north. When I walked through the doors I was met with the front desk only a few feet away and a classical melody. 

“Hi... ummm... I’m here for the group at 7:30.”

I shoved my hands in my jean pockets so I could let them vibrate in peace. An older gentleman looked up from his notebook and met my eyes with a relaxed grin. 

“First time?”

“Yes.”

“Just fill out this paperwork and then you can go in room 4 whenever you’re ready. There’s cookies and water in there, help yourself.”

“Thank you.”

He immediately went back to his notebook. His demeanor suggested that this was such a relaxed place that even a new member couldn’t take him away from his routine. The classical piece pulsed through my body as I tried to breath at regular intervals. I was the only one in the waiting room so I filled out the paperwork quickly with no distractions other than the ambient music. Moments later I walked the survey up to the desk and handed it to the man. He didn’t look up from his notebook when I placed it on the desk so I decided to venture off to the room he instructed me to enter. I opened the door slowly and saw eight people dispersed around the small space. Two middle aged women were laughing by the cookies. A younger man and an older woman were sitting in chairs in the corner of the room whispering. Two younger girls that I thought to be 16 or 17 were standing by the water fountain. And one boy was sitting by himself in one of the chairs structured in a circle. No one noticed my arrival so I decided to sit next to the boy who was alone. Maybe it was his first day too. 

“Hi... I’m Elio.”

The boy looked up at me as if I interrupted a deep personal conversation he was having with himself. He looked to be my age or possibly a year younger. He was very similar to me in stature and also shockingly skinny. 

“I’m Joey.”

We shook hands and I focused on how both our wrists wiggled and bones protruded. 

“Is this your first day too?”

“No I’ve been coming here for a few weeks.”

Before I could continue the conversation one of the women by the cookies announced that the meeting was about to begin. Once they all sat down they settled their attention on me and smiled. The woman that called the meeting to begin looked at me softly. 

“All right well because we have a newcomer let’s do names.”

I didn’t remember anyone’s name other than Joey because I didn’t pay attention to anything other than his heel shaking on the floor. 

“I’m Cecilia...It’s your turn.”

“Oh I’m sorry... I’m Elio.”

“Did you want to share why you’re here Elio.”

No.

“What am I supposed to say?”

“Anything you want. You can say what brought you here today.”

“Well I have a friend who wanted me to come.”

“Ok, it’s great to meet you Elio. Joey you can start whenever you’re ready.”

Everyone started to clap. I joined in because of instinct but I didn’t understand why we were clapping. 

“So, on Wednesday I was supposed to go identify the men that raped me but I had a panic attack in the car and then we had to turn around because I couldn’t breath. I’m just so tired. I’m so sick of everything. I can’t eat and I can’t sleep. I know my dad loves me and I understand that but I feel like I need more than my dad in my life. I’m so lonely and I’m so fucking broken. I don’t know. I’m really thankful for all of you though. So thank you.”

Everyone clapped again. I did as well because now I understood. Joey’s small speech was the last thing I expected to hear. It made my blood run cold but it also made me want to protect him. He was all alone. He didn’t have Oliver. He didn’t have anyone but he was dealing with all the exact same things I was. I felt so close to this person from the soul reason of understanding. 

“I understand.”

I couldn’t croak out much more than that but then everyone turned to me. Then Joey shifted his neck and spoke. 

“Would you like to share your story Elio? Some people share on the first visit some people don’t. It’s your decision but just know you can at anytime.”

“Yes I think I will... if that’s ok? I’m sorry I don’t really know how this works can you talk when other people are talking is there a stick or something cause...”

The whole room burst into laughter and they made small comments to each other. Cecilia hushed the group and leaned forward in her chair from across the room. 

“So the group switches off leading every week. I’m the therapist and I speak occasionally and observe but I never lead. Joey is leading today so that’s why he spoke first. But you don’t have to speak first always when you lead just some people want to.”

“Ok.”

It all made sense but I didn’t know if my short term memory would bail me out. 

“Joey you may continue.”

“Thanks Cecilia. Elio you can begin whenever you’re ready.”

“Sorry if I cry... I cry a lot... umm. Well... uh sorry I.”

Joey put his hand on my back slowly. 

“It’s ok you’re safe here. We’re here for you and we all except you exactly as you are. You can stop whenever you want.”

I nodded and wiped the tears that already spilt from my eyelids. 

“Ok... well I was running and there were four of them... it was a few hours, I think.”

“Elio you can talk about anything you want. If you want to give details you can. If you want to talk about the way you’ve been feeling you can.”

“I lost my virginity to a man the night before and I’m so in love with him... and then that happened... it all is just getting mixed up in my head. I get these awful dreams... he wanted me to come here because I’m not eating. I’ve been starving myself as I’m sure you all can tell, and hiding it from him. He brought it up to me and it just tore me apart. I know he loves me... he loves me so much and that’s why he finally said something. But now that it’s been acknowledged... I’m so scared that I have to change and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to. And now I need to gain five pounds in a week or I have to be admitted. I’m getting so much help and I’m grateful but I’m still just... struggling.”

By now I was sobbing but still articulating my words.

“I understand Joey, I do. I can’t go to identify them. I haven’t brought it up and neither has my boyfriend or family so it just hasn’t happened.”

Joey hugged me to him with care and I felt shocked at how comfortable I was with someone touching my back that wasn’t my family or Oliver. I let my chest fall into his and our ribs rubbed together sharply. We squeezed each other while we both exhaled labored breaths. It felt that we were comforting each other and also breaking down independently. I felt a woman stoke my back behind me. When Joey and I returned to sitting I noticed everyone was crying. Cecilia spoke first.

“Elio thank you so much for your honesty. Would you like anyone to comment or would you prefer a shift in topic.”

I answered automatically.

“People can comment if they want. That’s ok.”

I felt the warm energy in the room and I wanted to get to know them plus I didn’t particularly want to continue. I did feel proud of myself for telling a large group of strangers. There was something liberating about be heartbreakingly genuine about my trauma, because that was the truth. I had being lying to Oliver. I wasn’t fine. I haven’t been fine since it happened. I was snapped out of my train of thought when one of the teenage girls spoke.

“You’re so brave for sharing, so thank you for that. I’ve been struggling with eating since I was raped and I think it’s really important you take small victories. I know you’re strong enough to gain five pounds in a week you just have to be really vigilant of your own self care.”

“Thank you. I ate dinner today which I feel stupid for being excited about but I haven’t had a full dinner in two weeks before that.”

Everyone clapped. I felt my cheeks blush a bright rose pink. Another woman spoke from next to Cecilia.

“That’s fantastic.”

I smiled uncomfortably and shifted in my seat. The conversation went on for another 30 minutes then Joey announced time. I talked to a few women and one of the girls before heading out to Oliver. Before I could open the door I heard Joey call my name. 

“Elio, really thank you for sharing. I’ll see you next week.”

“Ok, I look forward to it, keep being brave.”

After the honesty we all shared I didn’t feel silly telling a total stranger to “be brave.”

I hugged him one more time before I exited the building. The moment I emerged from the building I was pelted with rain. I saw Oliver exactly where I left him with his mouth agape and his eyes closed. I knocked on the glass and he jumped up startled. 

“Fuck, you scared me.”

“Unlock the car, it’s pouring!”

He laughed as he got out and walked around to open the door for me. Once we were both inside I took his face in my hands and kissed him tenderly.

“You’re glowing.”

“It’s probably just the rain drops.”

“How was it?”

“Good. I feel really good. That was good for me.”

“Gooood.”

“Shut up.”

Oliver tickled my ear as he started the car.

“Tomorrow do you want to go to the beach? Your dad told me about maybe a family trip while you were in the bathroom at dinner.”

“I’d love that.”

I felt so immensely honored to have Oliver in this moment. I knew I had to be the one to fix myself and that Oliver could only impact me so much. However, hearing Joey talk about feeling lonely made me realize I hadn’t felt that since any of this. Oliver was always there. My mind felt lonely but in reality I had the energy of someone who loved me so dearly through it all. I let my name fall through my lips with the sounds of the pelting rain. 

“Elio?”

Oliver looked at me lovingly and invited me to venture into the oval shaped windows of his soul. 

“Yes?”

“I love you.”


	32. His First

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys give me so much love in the comments and I’m so appreciative. A lot of people have been asking for the Oliver and Elio sex scene where Elio is a top so here you go! Tell me what you think as always!♥️

The car ride home was mostly uneventful. He caressed my hand as I smiled out the window. I felt slightly nauseous because of how long it had been since I ate a full dinner and didn’t throw up. I took deep breaths and squeezed Oliver’s hand softly. 

“You ok?”

“Yah. I just feel kind of nauseous.”

“Well it’s raining so...”

I hadn’t even thought about the rain. It hadn’t rained since I was attacked. I was starting to loathe how my body would fire off physical symptoms of PTSD and I just had to figure out what it all meant. I was thankful I had Oliver who was far more observant than me. I squeezed his hand slightly harder.

“You’re in the car with me, you’re safe. We’re almost home. Ok?”

“Ok.”

I knew Oliver really didn’t want me to throw up. I had to gain five pounds. I had a deadline and I needed to meet it. The thought of being admitted to a facility without Oliver made me feel even more ill.

“What if I don’t gain five pounds?”

“You will.”

“But what if I don’t.”

“Then you get help. There’s no bad situation just different paths to get there. If you don’t do it you don’t do it, but you’re trying, that’s all you can do.”

I nodded knowing I would give the same advice to Oliver but it didn’t subside my anxiety. 

“Ok.”

Right after I spoke Oliver stopped the car in front of the house. He turned toward me and laced one of his hands over my ear and pulled my neck towards him. I closed the distance between us and kissed him sensually. It lasted for only a moment but it was exactly the moment I needed to ground me in reality. 

“I’m tired can we just go upstairs.”

“Something tells me you’re not tired.”

Oliver rubbed my neck and upper back with his hand and I subconsciously moved closer to him. 

“We can’t for two weeks.”

“No, you can’t for two weeks.”

He purred in my ear then licked my earlobe.

“Do you want me to?”

“I have wanted you to for so long. I’ve just been waiting until you’re ready.”

I kissed him again and I could tell the tone of sensuality was now mixed with a sexual suggestibility.

“Let’s go.”

Oliver spoke the words directly on my lips then ran into the house. I covered my head with my jacket before entering the rain and went inside quietly. Once we were in our room Oliver pushed me against the wall and started feasting on my neck. A guttural noise escaped my throat as I let my head fall back on the door. I lifted his lips to mine and flipped him around so his back was now to the door. I kissed down his clothed body and unzipped his jeans. Oliver lifted his green button up over his head and sank his fingers into my hair. I discarded his jeans from his enormous legs and was met with his cock inches from my open mouth. I looked up to Oliver from my knees with a suggestive sparkle in my eyes. I licked him from the base to tip as he squirmed while standing. 

“You’re such a tease.”

“I won’t tease you too much.”

After I spoke I swallowed him in deep strokes whilst slicking my salvia up and down his flesh. 

“Elio...”

Oliver moaning my name made me grow in my own jeans as continued lapping him with my tongue. 

“Turn around.”

Oliver did as he was told and put his arms level with his rib cage, his hands splayed out wide on the door. I massaged Oliver’s ass with my fingers and palms before going to the place I intended to ruin him. He moaned when I massaged closer to his entrance which only spurred me on. I pried his body open with my skeleton fingers and licked his hole. 

“Ahhh...”

I pressed Oliver’s entire body to the door while I swirled my tongue the same way he always does to me. I could tell he was trying to rub his cock on the door so I reached one hand around to stroke him in time with my tongue fucking him. 

“You have to stop... or I’m gonna...”

I dislodged my tongue from him, stood up, and turned him around to face me. Oliver’s expression was so carefree and blissful I wished I could take a picture. I felt an overwhelming need to hug him. Even if that wasn’t the normal order of events for a rained in sexual evening, I didn’t care. I pressed my torso to his chest and rubbed his back with my fingers. Oliver pressed his pelvis into mine and our wet erections rubbed together as he scratched my scalp.

“Do you want me inside of you Oliver?”

“Yes.”

Oliver spoke on my ear which sent shivers to my toes and goosebumps to my arms. I stroked his shoulders with my hands and kissed him affectionately. While we were still connected we stumbled to the bed and Oliver was the first to fall back. I collapsed on top of him and propped myself up to look at why he turned over. He handed me my bottle of lavender oil and kissed both my cheeks slowly. I poured a generous amount on my fingers and circled it around his muscled hole. Oliver arched into the contact and bit his lip. I removed his lip from his mouth into mine while I slipped a finger inside of him. 

“I’m so wound up... I just need you now. I’ll come on your fingers... just make love to me. Please Elio...”

I didn’t recognize the wrecked man whining underneath me; which interested me. I had never seen Oliver so vulnerable and it made me want to comfort him. I saw a tear run down his temple into his ear. As I slicked my cock with more oil I licked the tear from his face and carefully pushed into him. I wasn’t as big as Oliver which made me feel self-conscious. I wanted to hit all the buttons he had pressed inside me to make him scream in pleasure. All thoughts of anything other than Oliver’s warm, wet, and tight insides absolved immediately once I pushed all the way in. I hung my mouth open while I tried to steady my hands on his chest. He was so tight I didn’t know if I’d be able to move. His ass cheeks were contracting around the base of my cock while his insides were fluttering around my head. Oliver hugged me to his body and stroked my back and ass. 

“I know. I know.”

“You feel so good. Are you ok?”

I propped myself up so I could look at him and he just smiled at me knowingly. 

“I’m ok.”

“Tell me something. Anything. Anything you’ve wanted to tell me that you haven’t yet.”

Even though I was experiencing shock waves through my loins I wanted Oliver’s mind and soul. In the same way he confessed his bodies’ desire for me to inhabit it I wanted to know he wanted my attention. I wanted him to tell me something just as private as the physical contact we were sharing. Oliver placed both hands on my neck and spoke so softly I had to strain to hear him. 

“My dad molested me.”

While Oliver spoke each word small tear drops similar to the dripping rain escaped him. I kissed his tears and rolled my abdomen into him gently. He held onto my back and buried his face in my chest as I started to create a rhythm. In that moment words were futile devices to explain our emotions. I let my shattered body pulse inside of Oliver’s open soul as I kissed and caressed every part of him I could reach. My thrusts started to become erratic but our hands stayed soft on one another’s skin. A bead of sweat was about to drip from my forehead into Oliver’s lips and he opened his mouth for it to plunge directly in. Oliver then licked my lips the same way I had the day we first kissed. I responded by resting my forehead on his while never breaking eye contact. 

“Please come inside me...”

I reached down to stroke Oliver as I shifted my hips slightly upward. My hipbones began to slap against Oliver’s thighs as I unraveled us both. We both gripped each other’s backs as Oliver came seconds before me. After I felt my cock coat Oliver’s hole with warmth I collapsed on top of him. He kissed my curls and began rubbing my back. 

“Thank you.”

Before I drifted off to sleep still attached to Oliver in more ways than one I heard him whisper in my ear. 

“Thank you for setting me free.”

Even though the statement seemed ambiguous I knew exactly what he meant because I felt the same way.


	33. His Fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is basically just a continuation of the last because it’s the same night. I do that occasionally when dreams are involved and I don’t want to make one chapter unusually long. Thanks for the comments and Kudos! Enjoy!

They were burning him. Why were they doing that? Where was I? Was that really Oliver? It was. He’s... dying. 

“Stop! What are you!”

I felt someone in the crowd push me toward him. My feet started to burn as I tried to escape. Oliver pulled me into him so I couldn’t move. It hurt so much. I could smell my flesh burning. Oliver’s cries on my ear made my entire soul tremble. We were dying. No one was helping us. When I realized this I held Oliver as tightly as I could. 

“It’s ok. I’m here.”

“I am too. I’m right here.”

As I heard people scream hateful rhetoric in the distance I heard Oliver’s name screamed from his own throat. 

“Shhhh I got you. I got you.”

When my eyes snapped open to reveal my bedroom I gasped.

“Oliver are you ok! Oh my god!”

“I’m fine. Everything is ok. Come here.”

The second I let myself breath a flood of water burst from my tears ducts. I kept grabbing his entire body just to make sure he was completely in tact. 

“Elio, I’m ok. Here take this.”

I didn’t protest the idea of a pill anymore. I took three tablets Oliver handed me with water. I couldn’t help but notice the silence of the wind and stillness of the trees. 

“Fuck. What time is it?”

“It’s like 5:30 in the morning.”

“Oh. Sorry I woke you.”

“No problem at all. I happen to enjoy being on Elio night patrol.”

“Are there any special qualifications?”

“Oh there’s many.”

I loved when Oliver indulged in my sarcasm and it often turned into a game. Each one back firing to see how far we could take it. 

“Really... many? Like what?”

“I may tell you later...”

I threw a pillow at him which he dodged effortlessly. 

“Yes later... that’s because there aren’t any. You just have to be you. That’s the only qualification.”

“Well then you’ve given the job to the right person.”

I kissed his lips effortlessly and inhaled his musky scent. 

“Did you enjoy earlier?”

“Yes. I did.”

Oliver started to trace circles on my ribs with his fingertips. 

“Very much. Want to talk about your dream.”

“I’ll talk about my dream if you talk more about what you told me.”

Oliver declined my eye contact by kissing my chest and nipple. 

“You go first. You might forget some parts of the dream if a lot of time goes by.”

“It’s not really something I want to remember... you were burning. There was a group of people around you. I was in the crowd but then someone pushed me in. I was in so much pain and I had to watch you go through what I was feeling. When we both realized we were going to die we just held each other. Then I woke up...”

“Well Jung said that fire represents the process of psychological transformation... even though it was painful, you basically dreamed of us getting purified together.”

I placed my hand on Oliver’s neck so I could feel his veins pulse underneath my fingertips. 

“I love that you think of it like that but it was horrifying.”

“I think the fact that you found out someone hurt me for many years probably scared you. I know you want to protect me as much as I want to protect you. We can’t change the past but we’re here... now.”

“I wish I could have been there for you. How long did you struggle alone?”

“A few years. I told my mom when I was 14.”

“What did she say?”

“She didn’t believe me. Now I think she does, she just doesn’t care... cause I’m a fag.”

“Did she say that to you?”

“Yah... she also called me a pedophile... which is ironic.”

Oliver looked down at the sheets while I gawked at him. 

“I’m so sorry your parents don’t realize how wonderful you are... I’m so sorry Oliver.”

“No no don’t be sorry. They’ll never change I’m just still coming to terms with the fact that I have to let them go.”

I nodded and traced his arm veins while I closed my eyes. 

“So did you like being a bottom or top more?”

“Very swift transition there.”

“I aim to please.”

“Ummm I don’t know... they’re both different yet exactly the same.”

“Can you talk to me poetically about the differences.”

“Poetically?”

“Yes, you know... the way you speak... you’re intellectual vocabulary and your dirty mouth.”

“I don’t believe that’s the definition of poetically.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Yes... I do.”

Oliver placed my head on his chest and started to rub my scalp as he spoke. His voice was low and unusually deep. As he breathed and enunciated I felt his chest hair prickle my chin. 

“I love being inside of you because I love seeing you without care. When I’m inside of you, you just look... absolutely gorgeous. My mouth waters when I think about your slender legs over my thighs. You’re so gifted at giving over to your inner most desires and it shows on your face. And Elio... your insides... they always flutter around me... as if even your body surrenders to me. I also crave watching your body spasm... you’re so beautiful when you can’t handle the pleasure. I love pushing you harder than you thought was possible.”

By the time Oliver finished I felt my cock grow impatiently stiff but I didn’t dare shift. I simply leaned my neck back so Oliver would continue scratching my head.

“And you being inside me... well I’ve had many dreams about that. In my dreams you were assertive and aggressive. I loved it and I always woke on those sticky summer mornings covered in sweat and cum. But the first experience was more than I ever could have dreamt. The sensation of you stretching me made my entire body shiver. I had never felt that shiver in my entire life. You touched me in a way that made me feel like you were playing me like an instrument. You shifted the tempo and speed but I was a slave to your whim. There’s also nothing that has quite made me feel as whole as feeling your cum shoot deep inside me.”

I knew Oliver and I were both painfully hard but I wasn’t done playing our game.

“But answer my question.”

“I can’t pick... I loved them both equally. What about you angel?”

I blushed at his nickname for me then rolled my eyes. 

“I don’t think I can pick either. I’m not as skilled with improvisational romance but... I like submitting to you... but being inside of you was euphoric. I loved both almost as much as I love you.”

Once I finished Oliver grasped my chin and slipped his tongue inside my mouth. We began to stroke each other without making any decisions about roles. I couldn’t tell who was in control or who was more needy. We were completely coexisting in our bed. 

“Are you sore?”

“Actually yes I am.”

“I feel much better...”

“No don’t even... you have two weeks.”

“Can we just touch each other?”

“Of course.”

Oliver and I faced each other while we both began to stroke each other under the sheets. Oliver’s hand was slightly cold and I flinched at each new inch of skin he pressed on. I worked Oliver in a similar fashion I saw him do to himself when he touched his cock in front of me. 

“You’re so hot like that... fuck..”

Oliver’s lustful comment made my toes curl. 

“Oliver that feels so good... don’t stop.”

Oliver sucked my collarbone before flipping me over. Before I knew what was happening I felt Oliver’s tongue and lips move up and down on my balls. 

“Ahhhh...”

“Come here, sit on my face.”

I obeyed him instantly and swung my leg over his face. I immediately leaned forward to take his cock down my throat. We were moving spastically and I could feel Oliver’s saliva coat my cock, his lips, and neck. I made love to Oliver’s cock with my mouth. I was a very orally fixated person and often chewed on my nails and skin. I loved sucking Oliver because of the ripple of pleasure that started on my lips, tongue, and throat that traveled to my brain then back to my cock. Oliver and I both never came up to speak. We swallowed each other’s cum easily and started to clean each other with our tongues. The feeling of Oliver cleansing my skin and tasting his simultaneously made my head spin. 

“I feel light headed.”

Oliver huffed softly while struggling for breath. 

“Come here we have to be up to get to the beach at 10.”

“Ok.”

I sat up and fell into Oliver’s arms while inhaling our mixed scents of sweat and testosterone. 

“Sweet dreams.”

“I hope we dream about the same thing.”

“What would you like to dream about?”

“This.”

“Us you mean?”

I smiled at his reference.

“It’s not bad. It’s not bad.”

Before I could listen to Oliver’s response I felt my smile dissipate and a spell of sleep caress my spirit.


	34. His Acceptance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Got a few suggestions that Oliver and Elio need to be more independent. I totally agree but because of his trauma I really wanted to write them together almost 24/7 for the first month. That all being said this, in my opinion, is the first real chapter where future plans are discussed. Tell me what you think!

I realized the moment that I woke up Oliver wasn’t in bed. When I opened my eyes I noticed he wasn’t in our room either. I was slightly relieved because even though I loved him dearly last night took a lot out of me emotionally and physically. Perhaps it would be nice to have some time to myself, as long as I didn’t panic. I decided to first shower then pick a book off my shelf. I grabbed Romeo and Juliet haphazardly and began reading. I didn’t mind re-reading books as long as I enjoyed them. Before I could get more than a few pages in Oliver opened the door. He was dressed only in a pair of yellow shorts; dripping in sweat. 

“Did you run?”

“Yah, did you shower already?”

I nodded then put the book back on my shelf. 

“Romeo and Juliet... huh.”

“Why huh?”

“I don’t know just commenting. So I have some news.”

I leaned forward so Oliver knew he had my full attention. 

“I got the job with the archaeologist outside of Crema... it’s intense though almost 60 hours a week so I said I’d have to think...”

“No! Nothing to think about that’s a great opportunity Oliver.”

“I know but just because I have a Masters degree in Archaeology doesn’t necessarily mean...”

“So what... Are you thinking about going into Philosophy?”

“Well my book was... I don’t know. It just feels like bad timing with you and my book getting destroyed.”

“Well it’s all up to you but I know you and I know you like to keep busy. And I also know you’ve been going crazy being in this room... in this house. You need to stay healthy too.”

“I understand that. I just don’t know if it’s what I want to be doing.”

“Sometimes we don’t always get to do what we enjoy.”

“Why are you making this such a big deal?”

“Because it is! My dad told me that Pierre is highly respected in the community...”

“I don’t know.”

Oliver combed his hair back with his hand and grabbed a towel from the cabinet. 

“I’m getting in the shower.”

I didn’t understand Oliver’s defiance to the job. Pierre was not only highly regarded in the community but my dad seemed to like him and I trusted his opinion. Maybe there’s something deeper going on that Oliver isn’t discussing with me. I considered different ways to bring the topic back into conversation but decided against it. I knew we were all going to the beach today and I didn’t want there to be any tension. Especially, because this was the first time I did an activity where I went out of the house but not for medical reasons. The last five weeks just seemed like a haze of trauma, panic, love, and sex. I randomly started to feel off when thinking about all the sex Oliver and I had engaged in. Was it just because we were stuck in this room? Was it because we needed each other physically to repair our psychological problems? Were we just normal men? I didn’t know. What was normal? None of this is normal. I fell in love with one of my dad’s PHD exchange students, got raped by four men, then Oliver stayed, and now we were just... I don’t know. Confessing our innermost secrets and letting each other invade our bodies. Were we sick? Was I sick and just imposing my perversion on Oliver. I hadn’t noticed Oliver had re-entered our room until he spoke. 

“You ok?”

“Yah I’m fine.”

Oliver looked at me with a look I was beginning to know too well. The you’re not fine and stop lying look. 

“I’m sick aren’t I?”

“What?”

“You wouldn’t have even stayed... you said that yourself. You don’t want a job here... you probably don’t even want to be here. You don’t have to anymore I’m fine... I’m ok...”

Oliver instantly sat across from me on the bed and started to stroke my knee. 

“Elio...”

“No! Don’t Elio me... you’re not happy here. Just go!”

“Are you going to let me talk or are you just going to keep telling me what I am!”

“Sorry... I’m sorry. It’s just you’re so young and beautiful, Oliver you could have any girl you want and have kids... you could have a job you want...”

“I wouldn’t have you.”

“You said it yourself you wouldn’t have even stayed if you didn’t feel responsible for what happened!”

“That’s not what I said...”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“You matter... why would you think I would want a white picket fence, a wife, and kids.”

“Oh I don’t know... isn’t that what normal people want. You don’t even know if you’re gay. I asked you and you said you didn’t know. What if this is all just a phase? What if in six months you wake up next to me and realize you fucked up?”

“I don’t know what is going to happen in six months, neither do you... but these feelings I have for you... I’ve never felt before in my whole life. I don’t “poetically” talk to you about your body, sex positions, and my dad because I’m not so sure about you. I’m sure about being here. I’m sure about letting myself love you. Elio... I’ve never let myself be free in my entire life. I can be who I am here... with you, that’s not something I want to throw away because of a wife and kids.”

“Do you want kids?”

“I don’t know... maybe, I don’t feel the need to think about it too much right now. If we want kids then we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.”

“We?”

“That wouldn’t be a very normal family.”

“What’s the fun in being normal.”

For the first time since the conversation began I smiled from ear to ear. 

“Sorry I snapped at you... I think too much.”

“Just talk to me about the way you’re feeling instead of making assumptions and then attacking me before I can put gel in my hair.”

I giggled then stopped Oliver before he could go to the bathroom. 

“With that being said can I ask one more thing?”

Oliver looked at me then proceeded to sit back down in the exact position he just stood up from.

“Do you think we’ve been having too much sex?”

Oliver laughed. Of all the responses I got to see him burst into laughter which was a sight I didn’t know my eyes were missing. Once he collected himself and wiped his nose he looked at me sweetly. 

“No I don’t think so... but then again I think everyone has a different sex drive and every relationship is different. What do you think?”

“I asked you first.”

“No I don’t. We’ve gone many days without having sex and we’ve also had sex like three times in one night... I don’t know. I suppose I forget about your age.”

“It has nothing to do with that.”

“Fuck you’re in a mood. That’s not what I’m talking about.”

“Then what are you talking about?”

“I’m taking about that you’re inexperienced. You had sex with Marzia once before we were together. You haven’t been to college. You just haven’t been exposed and that’s ok... I happen to love that I’m hopefully the only one that gets to see you the way I get to see you.”

Oliver paused as if a random thought popped into his mind. 

“Show me the person they sleep with and I will tell you their valuation of themselves.”

“Do you think highly of yourself Oliver?”

“Yes, because I think highly of you and I’ve finally allowed myself to be with you and not make excuses for the way I feel.”

“Was that Ayn Rand?”

“Of course you knew that. Yes.”

“I don’t really agree with the way she views sex.”

“Oh really old wise one... do tell.”

“Don’t put me down when I’m trying to show off.”

He kissed my nose quickly before I continued.

“I think her entire viewpoint on how sex can’t be selfless is just... wrong. Sex can be selfish and selfless or both.”

“Well maybe you think that cause you’re a man.”

“Yes but I’m attracted to other men.”

“But you’re not a woman.”

“What does that have to do with anything.”

“Everything.”

“Explain.”

“Women are comprised in every aspect of the world because they can’t enter anyone... that’s truly the idea humanity has created. That that... this goddess of life and procreation is... not equal. Women and men can be treated equally in social circles and relationships... but on a societal scale... Well, look she explains selfish sex because she’s witnessed it... she’s experienced it because she only has the choice to be entered biologically... and thus can’t be treated with the same respect in the eyes of men. I mean wouldn’t you be bitter? Men take everyday of your life and your body... it seems pretty selfish to me.”

“But that choice was taken from me and I’m a man.”

“No. Sadistic people raped you. Normal men control women’s lives much more subtly.”

“I never thought of it that way. I mean it was terrible... but I had never experienced men taking my free will away before that.”

“Elio do you want to have less sex? We can talk about things like this you know?”

“No I know. It’s just kind of a strange topic to bring up.”

“No it’s not at all. Tell me what’s been on your mind.”

“I doubt so much about us. I love you and I know that. But just the fact that you would have left and I’m so much younger. I’m so in love with you and I can’t come to terms with the fact that this relationship might not be good for you... that maybe I’m being selfish. Fuck maybe I do understand what she means... maybe I’ve just been taking you away from the world this entire time.”

“Ok. So me leaving. I would have left because I didn’t think I deserved you. It wasn’t because of my lack of certainty of my love for you. I was going to get on that train because I wanted you to have everything you deserve. The white picket fence, the wife, the kids. Your age... you’re six years younger than me which may seem like a big deal now but in the scheme of our lives together it’s a ridiculous reason to call things off. I stayed and I’m fighting for you in all these moments because I owe you that. I wasn’t there and in a way I haven’t wanted to think about that I contributed to your pain. The fact that you had sex with me for the first time then got raped by four people... there was no way I would ever leave you after that. It’s been five weeks since then and I’m only getting more confident on why my place is right here, next to you.”

When I knew Oliver was finished I reached out and pressed my body against his while we hugged. It felt similar to when we first met even though it meant so much more now. But the tenderness and care was the same. 

“Ok so that’s what’s been on your mind... which I hope I answered. What about sex, continue with that.”

“I don’t know I love being intimate with you in every way. Just being inside of you... for some reason I don’t know I can’t handle that right now. I can’t handle the fact that I might hurt you but I knew you wanted it and I was curious. It was wonderful I don’t want to seem like I didn’t...”

“I understand... it’s ok. I can just hold you every night for two weeks... I don’t mind. I try to go off of your signals and you always seem pretty...”

“I know and I am but once it’s over I always feel sick and I haven’t told you because it doesn’t have anything to do with you but... when I came inside of you and we fell asleep like that...when I woke up I felt so ill because I felt like one of them. I had never came inside of someone and it just, fuck Oliver, I didn’t expect it to scare me so much. This is all so stupid... I”

“No it’s not I love when you talk to me honestly, it makes me less anxious and it helps you too. You’re free to talk about anything. Would it make you feel better if I told you something?”

“Yes.”

“You know when I told you in the hospital I would tell you about the day I snuck off after we kissed and you couldn’t find me.”

“Yes and I asked you to read me 14th century romance instead... I remember.”

“I left because when you grabbed me... I knew it was you but it... I wasn’t expecting it and my entire body chilled. I didn’t know what to do... I didn’t know if I could be with you, really be open with someone. So I just went to the beach.”

“And what did you decide.”

“That you aren’t my father. That you’re the kindest, most intelligent, giving, gorgeous, loving, beautiful person and I’m overwhelmingly in love with you.”

“Then or now.”

“Who knows they’re just words.”

“I love words though.”

“I know you do.”

Oliver and I gazed at each other without touching and just took turns smiling and giggling.

“Can we not do anything sexual for the week I want to see if I still feel ill at night because maybe it’s not associated.”

“Of course.”

Before Oliver could pull me in for what would probably be a 15 minute hug I heard my mom scream in Italian for me to get the mail.

“Coming.”

“I’ll get it, get dressed.”

“Get me an apple.”

I couldn’t stop smiling. I was starting to understand that often in a relationship an incredible end result does not always go with a fluid conversation. If someone asked me everything we just talked about I probably wouldn’t remember. All I was thinking about was beautiful... intelligent...

“Elio open this.”

“What?”

Oliver handed me a white envelope that read “Juilliard” and an apple. 

“Oh I applied for early admission. Ready to watch me open a rejection letter.”

“How many places did you apply to?”

I took a large bite of the apple and ripped the letter open with my fingers at the same time.

“No just Juilliard... my dad wanted me to...”

We are pleased to welcome... I choked on the remaining apple that rested on my tongue and teeth. I coughed spastically while I handed Oliver the paperwork.

“Fuck! Oh my god...”

I lunged toward Oliver and wrapped all four of my limbs around his body. I kissed him with a smack. Could I go? Probably not.

“Thus with a kiss I die.”

I went limp in Oliver’s arms but he didn’t expect me to fall so suddenly so I ended up collapsing on his knee.

“Ow!”

“Shit are you ok!”

Oliver and I were laughing so hard I couldn’t believe this kind of feeling was possible.

“Why did you do that?”

“It’s Romeo and Juliet... you know... thus with a kiss I die.”

“No. I only read it in high school!”

Oliver was still struggling for breath while I brought his face to mine passionately and molded my mouth to his. At this moment, being with Oliver, while I got accepted to Juilliard’s music program made me not care about the future. I knew we were both destined to accomplish our dreams no matter our past and laugh all the way into our future. Having this private thought made my half of our kiss turn into a smile.


	35. His Confusion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys as always for the comments! I think this story is going to be about 50 chapters. However, that doesn’t mean the story is necessarily over because I might then jump ahead a few years. Suggestions are always appreciated! Oh... also! For all kinds of film lovers, I reccomend the Closet Monster on Netflix. I watched it last night and really enjoyed it. Anyway, enjoy the chapter ♥️

My mom and dad burst into my room without even bothering to knock. Oliver handed my father the letter while I embraced my mom. My dad put his glasses on the bridge of his nose while he read the entire piece of parchment. 

“Fall of 1994.”

My mom kissed both my cheeks then scurried over to put her head over my dad’s shoulder to read. 

“So next year?”

“Appears so... he’ll have to finish high school... obviously we’re good parents you would have had to do that anyway.”

My mom and dad laughed at their shared humor of “being parents” and in complete honesty he was completely right; they were good parents. However, I knew damn well if I got accepted to Juilliard and could go this year and what happened hadn’t happened my dad wouldn’t have given a literal shit if I graduated high school. But considering I have to, we’ll all pretend it would have gone like this anyway... with me here for another year, or potentially somewhere else if I was healthy enough to leave the security of my parents. Oliver maneuvered past me and went to look over my father’s other shoulder while he spoke to the room.

“So he got an early acceptance but it’s not early admission?”

“Correct.”

“Mom are you crying?”

My mom’s palm was on one of her cheeks but it couldn’t conceal her tears. She embraced me again and hugged me so tight I felt my ribs collide with the buttons on her shirt. She took my face in both of her hands and spoke directly to me. 

“Sono così orgogliosa di te.”

“Grazie, ti amo.”

“Sei così forte, figlio mio.”

My mom rested her head on my forehead and by this time I was weeping as well. I felt my father’s familiar embrace then Oliver’s hand on my back. I felt so loved and protected in this moment it was clear to me I could do anything. I tried to speak through my emotionally labored breathing.

“ti amo così tanto.”

Suddenly I heard a crack of thunder and the noticeable sound of rain pelting the roof. 

“I guess we’re not going to the beach.”

Everyone giggled then my father and mother hugged affectionately.

“Well I’ll be downstairs reading... and who knows what your mother will be doing.”

“What could I possibly be doing but reading with you.”

They kissed quickly then gave me one last hug. 

“I may come down in a bit.”

“Good, Mafalda made a delicious lunch.”

My dad spoke as they both exited and closed the door. Oliver was first to speak once we were alone.

“Wow.”

“I know... I’m sad about the beach though I really wanted to go, I invited Marzia.”

“You just got into Juilliard and you’re sad about the beach?!”

“I guess I’m a bit of a pessimist.”

“Well I think I’m going to take a nap. I didn’t sleep well last night.”

“Ok... I think I’ll join my parents downstairs and I should probably eat.”

“Yes go... hey Elio...”

I turned around before I reached the door and looked at Oliver openly. 

“I’m so proud of you.”

“I’m so proud of you too.”

I kissed Oliver with my eyes despite our distance, then cascaded my limbs down the stairs. Before I could say a word the phone rang. 

“I’ll get it!”

“Ciao.”

“Ciao, Marzia.”

“Immagino che non stiamo andando in spiaggia, considerando che sta per colare.”

“no, non penso così.”

“Posso vederti domani?”

“Si, vieni da quando vuoi.”

“ok, come ti senti?”

“sto bene ... meglio.”

“beh ... bene, ci vediamo domani ...ciao.”

“Ciao, Marzia.”

“Ciao, Elio.”

The moment I hung up the phone I realized how much better I felt hearing Marzia’s voice. I had only talked to her once when she called me a few days after I had gotten home. I wasn’t feeling good that particular day and I don’t even remember the conversation. 

“Come sit.”

I sat next to my father on the sofa while my mother sat in a chair opposite us with her feet perched on my fathers thigh that was crossed over his knee. They were both smoking and at that moment I wanted a cigarette desperately. 

“May I?”

My parents looked at each other in silent communication then my father handed me one. 

“Only because it’s been five weeks and the list the doctor gave was for four... and because well... I think congratulations are an order.”

“One moment...”

My mom got up quickly as if inspiration struck her and she disappeared into the kitchen. I heard her muffling with Mafalda but I couldn’t make out their conversation. Seconds later they both were still conversing while my mother was holding a bottle of wine and glasses. Mafalda handed me a plate with pasta and vegetables simultaneously as my mom poured Mafalda a glass of wine. 

“Complimenti!”

“Grazie.”

I kissed Mafalda’s left cheek and hugged her close to me. While we all got settled in our space Mafalda lectured me further on my weight but thanked me for eating. My mother encouraged me to have some wine. My father spoke in random spurts while otherwise reading quietly. Before I knew it I was sipping my third glass of wine and laughing uncontrollably about my father being unconscious on the sofa from sheer exhaustion. 

“Has dad been sleeping?”

“Not very well... he can sleep now, that you’re next to him.”

My mother’s comment made me feel guilty and happy all at once. I felt so serene in the current moment of watching my father rest. But the thought of him having sleepless nights set my teeth on edge. 

“How have you both been sleeping?”

They both giggled to each other as if they had had many late night conversations in their shared paranoia induced insomnia.

“Siamo tutti preoccupati per te, Elio.”

“I know... I know.”

Mafalda gave me one final kiss on the forehead before taking my plate and my father’s empty glass from the side table. 

“How are you doing, mom?”

“Something you would like to talk about?”

“What no... I’m asking about you.”

“I’m fine let’s talk about what you want to ask me about.”

“What?”

“You’re my son, I know what you look like when you need reassurance. I’m more than happy to give you that but something tells me you already know the answer to your question.”

“I don’t feel like I do.”

“Well by all means... dimmi.”

It was clear to me that the wine was allowing my mother to be a little more loose with her words and posture. I loved seeing my parents comfortable. I was finding more regularly in life that most parents didn’t allow themselves to really live in their house with their children and treat them like equals. My mom took another sip of wine and smiled at me.

“I don’t know... just sex... things having to do with sex and what happened.” 

“Ok... keep going.”

My mom crossed her legs and leaned forward with her elbow resting on her knee with a half filled Chardonnay in between her fingers. I mirrored her position and continued in a lightly softer tone as not to wake my father or distract Mafalda. 

“I might cry... I just say that before I talk now, it’s kind of a routine. I might now we’ll see but I’m just warning you.”

“What in the world makes you think you need to apologize for your tears...”

“I’m not apologizing I’m just warning.”

“Very well... continue.”

“It’s that I love having sex with Oliver... I do... but lately there’s so much that my body is going through and my brain, it’s been so fucked up. I feel like sex heals me and destroys me all at the same time... and it’s like I can’t decide if I like it. I know my body does but I think I’m just not psychologically well enough. I think I was just giving into my bodies desires and not what I really need... which I think is to not have sex for I don’t know... a long time.”

I hadn’t started to tear up until the last sentence. Before I could let a tear fall I chugged my last bit of wine and looked at my mother genuinely. 

“You just answered all your own questions.”

“I just feel like that’s not really fair... to withhold sex from your partner for an undisclosed amount of time.”

“Elio... put yourself in Oliver’s position... would you care? No. Of course you wouldn’t... but you need to start taking care of yourself and the only way you can really do that is if you tell the other half of you; who is sleeping up there, what you need.”

“Ok.”

I stealthily grabbed a lone cigarette in my father’s shirt pocket. 

“Was that Marzia on the phone?”

I nodded while I set the end on fire. 

“Well I think I’m going to take a nap... it seems like that kind of a day.”

I giggled as I puffed my cigarette while I headed toward the stairs. 

“Take care of papa.”

In the three seconds that I turned around, walked to the stairs, and spoke; my mom had fallen asleep. There was a calmness present because the entire house was resting and the rain aided the aura. I walked into my room quietly so I wouldn’t wake Oliver. When I entered I found him sitting up.

“I’m kind of just a little bit drunk.”

“I figured... come here.”

I collapsed on the bed and managed to fall right into Oliver’s arms. He discarded my shirt for me and wrapped me in his embrace. I inhaled his scent as I always do then bit his neck. I was so confused where I stood on certain issues with myself. I made a point to talk to Oliver and my mother about having less sex and here I was biting Oliver, praying he would touch me. 

“I don’t know what I want...”

“What do you mean?”

Oliver’s voice was low and unused and it made the hair on the back of neck prickle. 

“I thought earlier it would be good to take a break from being intimate with you but right now I just want to...”

“Maybe it’s less about what you want and more about what you need.”

Oliver was right. I needed this break because even when I got sexually zealous in the moment it always had consequences. 

“I’m going to take a shower.”

“Ok.”

Oliver kissed me chastely and rolled over. 

I decided that just like everything else I would allow myself to take care of myself. Once the shower was hot enough I immediately started touching my hard flesh. I hadn’t in weeks because Oliver and I usually showered and slept together. I had really not been alone... which in hindsight was probably a good thing. But things were different now, I was getting better. Oliver. Oliver’s lips, his hair, his eyes... god his eyes... his shoulders, stomach, cock.... It felt silly fantasizing about a man that was only a door away, while I touched myself. My hand felt foreign to me and I wasn’t expecting all the sensations that coursed through my body. I leaned back in the shower and tried to stabilize myself. I rubbed my cock and hole with different levels of pressure as I thought about Oliver. I came so intensely and suddenly I reached my arm out for balance. I caught a wall and held on to it as my body shook. 

“Fuck.”

I showered all the evidence off and went back to Oliver as quietly as I could. I didn’t want to disturb him so I laid next to him without reaching out to touch. I stared at him unabashedly for an unknown amount of time before the only sensory sensations I had left was the feeling of the sheets and the sound of the rain. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Sono così orgogliosa di te.”
> 
> “Grazie, ti amo.”
> 
> “Sei così forte, figlio mio.”
> 
> “I'm so proud of you."
> 
> “Thanks, I love you."
> 
> "You are so strong, my son."
> 
>  
> 
> “ti amo così tanto.”
> 
> “I love you so much.”
> 
>  
> 
> “Immagino che non stiamo andando in spiaggia, considerando che sta per colare.”
> 
> “no, non penso così.”
> 
> “Posso vederti domani?”
> 
> “Si, vieni da quando vuoi.”
> 
> “ok, come ti senti?”
> 
> “sto bene ... meglio.”
> 
> “beh ... bene, ci vediamo domani ... ciao.”
> 
> “I guess we're not going to the beach, considering it's raining.”
> 
> "No, I do not think so."
> 
> "Can I see you tomorrow?"
> 
> "Come when you want."
> 
> "Ok, how are you feeling?"
> 
> "I'm fine ... better."
> 
> "Well ... well, see you tomorrow ... bye."
> 
>  
> 
> “Complimenti!”
> 
> “Congratulations!”
> 
>  
> 
> “Siamo tutti preoccupati per te, Elio.”
> 
> "We are all worried about you, Elio."
> 
>  
> 
> “Dimmi.”
> 
> “Tell me.”


	36. His Monday Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love those comments and Kudos as always. For sure also updating tonight! Enjoy♥️

It was Monday. I was getting to enjoy Monday’s because of support group. I didn’t particularly like sharing but I loved listening to Joey talk. We often comforted each other through the entire session and talked for up to an hour at the coffee shop next door. Occasionally Oliver would join us but on this particular day I knew Oliver had to get some paperwork done. He ended up taking the job with Pierre and I had started the homeschooling program a week ago. Oliver was far busier than I was. He was gone from 8am-5pm, which was actually a huge decrease from the hours he was supposed to spend there. Pierre and Oliver had negotiated the day after it rained that he could do the job but only if it was around 40 hours a week and not 60. I had considered getting a small job possibly at the coffee shop or at the wellness center but my mom vetoed it. She said that I still have a lot of healing to do and shouldn’t be focused on a job. I agreed but the school schedule was so laid back I was starting to get bored with the curriculum. To fill my hours I swam with Marzia, helped my dad with grading papers, and cooked with Mafalda. I didn’t mind being at home for most of the week. I consistently had to remind myself that what happened to me had still only happened 8 weeks ago. I was reminded in occasional nightmares, when anyone touched me, and when I went to support group. I usually thought about what I was going to say in group first or if I wanted to even talk at all. I was leading today so I knew it would be wise to run over what I wanted to discuss.

“You still ok over there?”

I disconnected my eye contact with the landscape out the passenger window and looked at Oliver.

“I’m ok, just thinking about what I’m going to say tonight.”

“You know I didn’t get to tell you because I got home really late last night and you were asleep but... your mom told me you were 110 at your doctors appointment. I just... I wanted to say how proud I am of you.”

I pressed my hand further into his and let him wrap his fingers completely around my knuckles.

“Thank you. What were you doing out so late on Sunday?”

“We all finished a project proposal so we went out for drinks.”

“And you went to work today at 8am!”

“Unfortunately.”

Oliver rubbed his eyes with his other hand and yawned dramatically. 

“I want to talk to you about something real quick before we get there.”

Oliver nodded while continuing to keep his eyes on the country road.

“Joey and I talked on the phone yesterday and I think we are ready. I think we’re going to go tomorrow to identify our attackers. I know you have work you don’t have...”

“I’ll call Pierre. I’ll be there.”

“No you really don’t...”

“No. Nonnegotiable.”

He kissed my hand then continued rubbing his eyes as he pulled up to the wellness center. Which they all repainted so it was blue instead of green, with white shutters instead of brown. 

“Oh and take your time if you go to get coffee, I’ll just be sleeping.”

I laughed at how exhausted Oliver sounded.

“Do you want me to bring you water?”

“That would be fantastic.”

I jumped out of the car and ran through the doors.

“Joey can you throw me a bottle.”

Without looking up from his cognitive behavioral therapy book Joey reached into the bucket next to him and pulled out a bottle. He threw it at me without making eye contact and I ran it back to Oliver. He rolled down the window so I could stick my head through and give him the bottle as I kissed him. I was starting to appreciate his light touches and sweet kisses because we hadn’t been intimate since our conversation about taking a break. I knew this was what I was going to talk about in group because I felt very split on the subject. I knew I was getting better very quickly and Marzia and my mother attributed it to me not being sexually active. I didn’t feel distant from Oliver I just missed him. I missed seeing him in that way. I missed him being inside me. 

“Go inside you’ll be late.”

“Ok, I love you.”

“I love you too.”

He kissed me one more time but laced his hand through my neck and hair. My body literally shivered at the contact. 

“You ok?”

“Yah it’s just kind of cold.”

“Do you want my jacket?”

Even though I wasn’t cold I nodded so I could have Oliver’s scent draped around me. He handed me his jean jacket before I briskly walked back to the building.

“Come on leader we’re starting.”

Joey spoke through a bite of a cookie. I caught up to him quickly and started setting up the chairs in the circle. All the same people had been here the last three weeks with no newcomers. I scanned the room before we began and found no new faces. 

“Ok welcome everyone... is everyone ready to start?”

Everyone nodded and a few people took out small pieces of paper or notebooks and pens. 

“Is today suggestion day?”

“Yah.”

I didn’t mind suggestion day. Everyone wrote a question or prompt and it helped lead the discussion. Everyone put all there various parchments into three boxes entitled questions, comments, and congratulations. 

“Ok I’ll be leading today and I just wanted to start with... a question....What have you been thinking the most about in the past seven days? Ok... well we discussed trauma and flashbacks last week and... I don’t know. How to proceed in a sexually normal relationship after something like what happened to me; to all of us. I don’t know what to do. I’m obviously going through other things but I don’t know that’s what has been on my mind the most.”

Everyone clapped and Joey raised his hand from next to me. I nodded to him and he cleared his throat before he spoke. 

“I think that’s something that’s so individual to the person and the relationship. Personally, I couldn’t see myself having sex for... I don’t know ever.”

He laughed at his joke which caused everyone else to giggle honestly. 

“It is important to remember that you control your body; so maybe it would help to explain what you want, when, and how.”

I smiled at Joey then called on Cecilia.

“You have been doing so well Elio. Everyone in this room has seen you grow in more ways than one.”

I knew she was referring to my weight which made me smile and fold my arms over my chest in embarrassment. Cecilia kept talking while writing on another piece of paper. 

“I read somewhere that when someone is assaulted they often times cling to control like Joey said, which is normal. But maybe you can just start the relationship from scratch. You know? Just take everything a little slower.”

I nodded quickly then passed the conversation to a girl slightly older than me. She picked up the congratulations box and picked a piece of paper that I instantly recognized as mine. I attempted not to blush or sway in my seat as she began to read. 

“I congratulate Joey on gaining four pounds and continuing school.”

Joey smiled warmly and tried to not make eye contact with me. I knew he knew it was me but he didn’t want me to turn any redder than I already was.

“Thank you to whoever said that.”

Joey then picked up the comments box and reached in.

“I would like to comment on how truly well everyone seems to be doing. This warms my heart but I personally still feel the struggle everyday. I think we all do. I constantly feel like I’m falling apart and when it gets really bad I just feel like those broken parts start to disappear and I can’t seem to find myself anywhere. I guess my comment is really a question. To the reader what is something you’ve been continuously anxious about in the last day?”

Joey smoothed his platinum hair back out of his face and took a deep breath. 

“Thank you for whoever’s comment this is and your honesty. I’ll try to be honest too. I’m going to identify my rapists tomorrow. Hopefully. I’ve felt so sick since I decided I was going yesterday. I just feel this massive lump in my throat and stomach. I have noticed my hands have started shaking again which hasn’t happened in two weeks. I think Elio will be there... which makes me feel better. But I’m still absolutely terrified. I had a dream last night... well a nightmare. They all tied me to a tree post. It was so vivid I could feel the branches pinching me. I could feel the sun on my skin. I’m just so sick of seeing their faces and I just... don’t know if I want to again.”

I was crying silently while Joey spoke. I directly related to everything that he was saying. Everyone clapped then a middle aged woman named Eleanor raised her hand. Joey called on her but I tuned out the rest of the meeting. What Joey said caused me to disassociate intensely. It wasn’t his fault but hearing the exact way I was feeling come from another person always caught me off guard. My legs felt like Jello and I was nervous I wouldn’t be able to stand up when it was all over. The bucket didn’t make it all the way back to me so I didn’t have to speak again. Once I saw the clock get to 8:28 I concluded the meeting so it didn’t go over an hour and started staking chairs.

“Hey, did what I say freak you out?”

“Let’s talk at coffee.”

It wasn’t that I didn’t trust the people in the room. I more so wanted to be sitting down in case I started speaking and disintegrated from panic. Once we finished Joey looped his arm through mine and opened the door. Joey was a few inches shorter than me and now skinnier. In this moment I knew we looked like a couple but I didn’t care because I knew that everyone in this center knew I was with Oliver, including Joey. On our quick walk over I noticed that Oliver was still fast asleep in the car. 

“Is this Oliver’s?”

Joey lightly pulled on Oliver’s jacket and looked up at me.

“Yah.”

“He smells a lot different then you.”

“I know.”

I knew exactly what Joey meant. We used different soap, shampoo, conditioner, cologne, and our natural body aromas were also disconnected. The only time we started smelling like each other was when we were stuck in the hospital for a week. Once we were inside the coffee shop Joey ordered green tea and I ordered a black coffee with cream.

“Talk to me about tomorrow, you totally froze in there.”

“Cause I’m petrified.”

“Me too.”

We looked at each other knowingly just as our drinks arrived. Joey crossed his legs and leaned in to suggest for us to talk softly. The coffee shop was almost full and there were various levels of conversation bumbling thorough the air. I knew that we could talk and no one would hear or even care to pay attention.

“Elio, Do you think we were attacked by the same people?”

“I’ll only know if you tell me what they said to you... or did.”

“What do you want to know?”

“None of it. This all just fucking sucks.”

“I know but we have to do this. Then we never have to again. I’m asking if we were attacked by the same people... to prepare myself I guess... what if we both freak out. I mean, I guess we’ll have each other.”

“Oliver will be there too.”

Joey couldn’t even hide his sense of disappointment and I jumped on my intuition immediately. 

“Would it be better if he wasn’t?”

“No. He should be there for you. It just sucks because... I don’t know. Never mind.”

“No keep going.”

“Well you have Oliver but I only have you. And I don’t say that to make you feel like shit... it’s just the truth.”

“Well think about that as a good thing. I’ll  
be comforted so I can be there for you.”

“Yah.”

“So tell me what they said or did that’s how we’ll know.”

I could see Joeys hands start to vibrate on the table so I took one then in mine and held him comfortingly. 

“They were so disgusting Elio... they called me pretty... there was one he he... I think he had a neck fetish... I just couldn’t breath...”

Joey seemed to notice the abundance of tears that fell down my cheeks. I just nodded and again he knew that I knew that we both understood. 

“I think so.”

“Can you talk to me? Tell me some things...”

“I hate talking about it.”

“I do too, but it may be easier together, we’ll just take turns until our drinks are empty.”

He placed his hand over mine that was holding his and stared at me. 

“There were four but one of them was in the hospital because I bit him so they took him in. But then I think the other three attacked you. They were so violent... and yes... they called me pretty... I know the man you’re talking about.”

I lifted my hand from both of his and started to unbutton my shirt. I exposed the bottom of my neck and collarbone and Joey actually gasped and put his head in his hands. It had been eight weeks and some of the bruises were still there. The scar from where they ripped my chain would be there forever. When I looked up from buttoning my shirt back up I saw that he had unbuttoned his. Varying amounts of thumb prints, red and purple dots, and yellow discoloration filled his lean neck and collarbone.

“You did it you know... you survived... we both did, and we’re going to do this tomorrow... together.”

Without thought I got up from my chair and got down on my knees so I could hug his chest to mine with him still seated. I placed my neck in the crook of his and squeezed his body to mine. I could feel that he was crying based on his breathing. I smiled at the fact that Oliver’s jacket could fit us both comfortably in its embrace. When he detached himself from me he showed me his empty green tea cup. 

“I’m done too.”

“Well then let’s go.”

“Are you biking home?”

“Yah.”

“We can take you.”

“No don’t worry about it? I’ll be at your house at 1.”

“Ok... hey Joey!”

I yelled to him while he started to petal off. 

“Thanks!”

He held up a peace sign and almost fell over without having both hands on the handle bars. I laughed to myself then walked over to Oliver’s window to knock on it lightly. He woke up abruptly and instantly smiled at me. I got in on the passengers side and smiled at him briefly before my face contorted with early signs of emotional breakdown.

“Hey talk to me. How did everything go?”

Oliver instantly began rubbing my back with his palm and I instantly gravitated to his touch. 

“Just a lot. I’m almost positive Joey and I were raped by the same people. But today was good... I’m just healing still I guess... I’m trying not to put myself down anymore when I get flustered with pain.”

“Emotional pain?”

“Yes.”

“And I miss being with you. I talked about that. I think about you naked every second of every day. I want to see you, I want to feel you, I want to touch you... but I wasn’t getting better. I’m better now... but I don’t know if that has anything to do with not being with you. Joey says he never wants to have sex... and I understand that most people have problems with sex after being assaulted but I don’t know... someone made the suggestion to maybe just go slow.”

Oliver looked at me with such care and concern I felt fully on display. 

“We can just kiss tonight and touch each other... if you want... or you could just let me wash you. We haven’t don’t that in weeks.”

“Yes I’d love that.”

“Elio... you’re in control of everything you do or don’t do. All of this is up to you.”

“I know and I trust you Oliver, I always have.”

Oliver moved a long black lock out of my hair with his fingers then kissed both my cheeks. 

“One thing though... I don’t want to be inside of you for... awhile. That really scared me. It didn’t while we were doing it but after... when I woke up. I just can’t...I can’t explain why but I don’t want to.”

He then moved more hair out of my face and kissed all along my jaw.

“I’m yours... however you want.”

For the first time tonight I allowed myself to blush a bright red. He smiled instantly at my change of color and started the car. 

“I have to drive fast when you start looking at me like that.”

I laughed awkwardly and rolled the window down to stick my arm out. The rest of the car ride was floating with a comfortable sexual tension that was making my thumbs twitch. I had so much I wanted to talk to Oliver about. I was feeling more like myself everyday and I had a lot I needed to say or ask. I was excited for tonight because I was starting to accept that when Oliver says “I’m all yours...” he meant it the same way I meant it.


	37. His Bath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all are enjoying the story so far. The chapter after this will definitely be a big one as far as plot goes. Comment and tell me your thoughts! Thanks guys♥️

Once we were home it appeared the entire house was asleep. We tip toed up the stairs then opened and shut the door silently. Once we were in my room I turned to Oliver and hugged him softly. I just held the back of his shoulders with my hands as I let my lungs expand on his chest. 

“Do you want to take a bath?”

I nodded and started to take my clothes off piece by piece. To my surprise Oliver stayed clothed and simply watched me. He kissed my nose then walked toward the bathroom. I followed him and instantly saw he was shirtless, leaning over the tub, and pouring oil in. 

“You can get in if it feels hot enough.”

I liked taking scolding hot bathes and Oliver seemed to not share my affinity for the heat. I assume that was why he didn’t look like he would be joining me. I sat down and actually released a sigh at how good it felt. Once I was settled I combed Oliver’s hair back as he spread soap in between his fingers. 

“You look really tired.”

“I feel worse.”

I kissed him softly and I was caught by surprise when he placed his hand on my chest and started to spread the soap. I broke the kiss to speak.

“I don’t think I want to do anything tonight with tomorrow happening. Is that ok?”

“Of course.”

Oliver continued to soap and massage my entire body from my neck to my ankles. I tried to suppress my moans of satisfaction because I didn’t want to spur Oliver on.

“You’re biting your lip you know.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize.”

As he spoke he started rubbing my stomach and at that point I couldn’t help my reaction. Oliver completely ignored my hard on and continued working my tension away everywhere else. At this point I wanted him to touch me desperately. When he started to rub my scalp with shampoo I couldn’t suppress the moan that escaped my lips and the way my spine arched. Oliver washing me felt so erotic because I asked him not to touch me. Should I ask him to? He seemed so exhausted, it would be rude of me to just demand things from him. In truth I just didn’t know if I had the energy to reciprocate and I didn’t want to be selfish.

“I can touch you if you want me to...”

I titled my head backwards and let it hang on the tub. He caressed my entire face which was still upside down. He took the opportunity to kiss from my forehead to my chest. When he got to my neck I started to squirm in the tub. I was managing to stay quiet until he got to one of my nipples. I sucked in a shriek as my body coiled up. It had been so long since Oliver touched me in this way and I felt my head start to go numb when he traced his fingertips on my stomach. 

“I just don’t know if I have enough energy to do anything else...”

“Don’t worry this is for you.”

I felt him pull my earlobe into his mouth as he finally touched the head of my cock. I turned my head to the side and whimpered into his mouth. As soon as he started touching me he brought both hands to my hair to clean all the shampoo off. Oliver squeezed a glob of conditioner in his hands. With one hand he began dispersing it in my hair and the other started dripping the substance on my cock. He was going so agonizingly slow I felt my eyes role back. 

“How long has it been?”

I was surprised that Oliver didn’t know because in truth I was counting the days. 

“It’s been three we...”

Oliver started massaging my balls which caused my vocal cords to tighten. He massaged my cock slowly with one hand as he soaped my scalp, rubbed my chest, and licked my neck. 

“Can you edge me Oliver? Didn’t you say you wanted to do that?”

I could barely choke out the phrase but when I did I was met with Oliver’s sapphire eyes staring down at me. He rubbed my jaw with his oversized hand and spoke slowly. 

“I can if you want me to... I would love to but... I want to make sure you’re ready...”

“I know I can tell you to stop... I want to try.”

He whispered huskily in my ear as he rubbed my shoulders in deep circles. 

“Be brave... ok?”

I nodded and exhaled any previous tension that was in my neck. Oliver quickly went back to rubbing my cock with both of his hands. He used varying techniques and pressure levels to get different reactions from me. Occasionally I squirmed, sometimes I moaned, and I shivered periodically. I was so close... god it felt so good. Then he stopped. He took both of his hands off of me abruptly and I felt my entire cock convulse on my own stomach.

“What?”

“Come on you have to let me torture you a little.”

Oliver started sucking on my neck as he only touched me with his fingertips. The mixture of Oliver’s slightly calloused hands and the conditioner was driving me insane. I felt my balls start to contract then Oliver let go of me and rubbed my thighs soothingly. 

“Fuck... I hate you.”

“I love you.”

The sincerity and sexuality behind his tone made my knees buckle in the bath. 

“As if you could get me any harder.”

“I just have to talk to you. You know that’s your largest sexual organ... right here.”

Oliver started scratching the back of my head as if it was my cock. I arched my pelvis up out of the water and moaned on his neck. 

“You don’t talk to me very much during these things you know...”

“I know... it’s because I don’t really know how to talk to you because of what happened... I don’t know what to say most of the time.”

“Why?”

“I don’t want to scare you or say the wrong thing.”

“Just say whatever you want to... you’ll know if there’s a problem, believe me. Can you? I want to hear your voice.”

Oliver and my eyes’ connected lustfully before he started to stroke me again.

“I love the way your body arches into my hand... fuck.”

I smiled at the fact that I got to hear Oliver vocalize what he was thinking. 

“Keep going.”

I didn’t know if I was talking about the speed of his hand or his words. 

“You’re so beautiful... I cum so fast when I think about your cock... it’s so nice to touch you... you’re so perfect to me Elio.”

I felt my body start to send rapid signals to release the tension in my belly then his hands were gone again. I let my head fall back as I hissed into Oliver’s open mouth. He licked inside my warmth and began touching me again. 

“Can you handle more baby... or are you done?”

“More...”

Oliver teased me without mercy and after another five minutes I could feel tears prick my eyelids. My entire body was so warm with sweat and water that I couldn’t tell if I was overheating. Oliver began stroking me so unbearably slow that I bit my bottom lip to relieve some of my energy. 

“You can cum like this, I know you can....”

“You’re going too slow though...”

He put his lips right next to my ear and started whispering obscene remarks about how he wished to worship me when I was ready. He talked about my ass, my thighs, my skin, my armpits, my jaw, my neck, and my eyes. The mixture of Oliver’s genuine vocalization and the steady pressure of his hand made me brace my arms on the tub. Oliver then looped one of his arms under my chest and placed me against him. 

“Oliver...”

Hearing his name made me cum so suddenly that I felt my vision blur.

“Feel it Elio... I got you.”

My cock released large spurts of cum into the water as my stomach flipped. What only can be described as a sob escaped my lips as I continued to shake. I let myself shudder periodically as my cock continued to pulse in Oliver’s hand. I had four mini aftershocks and gasped when each one tingled my asshole and balls. I could feel that my forehead was covered in sweat and my mouth was unbearably dry. 

“Fuck... that was amazing...”

Oliver kissed my lips one more time and put his head on the edge of the bath tub.

“Can you cum on me?”

I knew I had no energy left but I wanted to see Oliver cum. It felt wrong for me to be in such a state of bliss while he was still obviously wound up. Oliver nodded and began to work himself over the tub while he looked down at me. I loved looking up at Oliver. I loved batting my eyes at him while I craned my neck up to expose my jaw. He stroked my face with care while he started to unravel himself shockingly quickly.

“Cum in my mouth...”

I opened my mouth wide and grabbed the back of his thighs and pushed him into me. Oliver cried out and reached for my black curls. I let his cum collect on my tongue before I closed my mouth so I could massage his cum and cock in my throat. When I deep throated him I could feel Oliver’s thighs tighten and his stomach shake. I gasped for air momentarily and smiled up at him innocently. 

“Well that was worth the wait.”

Oliver laughed then began to wash my cum off of me and drain the tub. 

“I’ll wait for you... whenever. We don’t have to do this sort of thing often Elio. It might be good for you to have some weeks where you just don’t have to worry because I know it’s a very anxiety producing activity.”

The fact that we hadn’t even finished an entire minute ago and Oliver was already obviously nervous if I was okay warmed my heart.

“I think the break was good... I think I needed it and maybe we’ll take another one if I get bad again but... if it’s ok with you I would like to continue but just take it slow. Tonight was prefect... you made me feel so good.”

“I’m glad.”

He kissed me then lifted my lean body out of the bath and into a towel.

“Do you want me to blow dry your hair?”

“Yes please.”

I hated going to bed with wet hair which was something I guess Oliver was catching on to. I closed my eyes as I felt the hot air blow through my follicles. I knew the entirety of my neck and chest was a bright pink color because of our festivities and the temperature of the water. 

“I love when your neck and chest blush.”

“I’m kind of hot... to be honest I don’t feel great.”

“Do you want to take a quick cold bath you don’t have to get your hair wet.”

“Yah.”

I placed my hand in my palm and tried to steady my inhalation patterns.

“Do you mind getting me some water?”

Before Oliver could even respond he handed me a glass from the bedside table. I drank it all and leaned my head on the sink top. 

“Hey come here.”

Oliver helped me into the bath and I cringed at its coldness. After about three minutes I leaned out and started to shiver. Oliver put me in a fresh towel and rubbed my arms quickly. Once I was dry we both got into bed naked and folded into one another. We hadn’t slept naked with each other for three weeks and it felt so good to feel all of him against me. 

“Do you want to talk about tomorrow?”

“No. I’ll talk to you in the morning... I’m in a good mood and maybe if I just go to sleep I won’t have nightmares.”

“Do you notice that?”

“What?”

“That the events of the night before a nightmare impact the events.”

“Ummm yes and no. Sometimes I dream about what happened the day before and sometimes I don’t. I don’t think it’s related but I think it makes sense that someone would dream about what they’re thinking about before they fall asleep.”

“That makes sense.”

“I’m glad you’re coming tomorrow.”

He kissed me in a way that made my heart open and my body press even further into his flesh. No matter what happened tomorrow I knew I could come home to this and that was enough to help me sleep.


	38. His Witness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Always appreciate comments and kudos! Tell me what you guys think. Next chapter will be a continuation of this one. Enjoy♥️

I knew it would be over soon. It had to be. The burning sensation in my hips was starting to dull due to the numbness. When one of the men pulled out of me he unclenched his hands from my hips and punched my ribcage twice. Just as suddenly as he let go of me he flipped me over so my stomach was pressed against the grass. I sobbed quietly while another one started to slap my ass in unforgiving constant blows. By the 10th hit I was screaming into the grass. 

“I can’t...”

I heard a cackle of laughter and felt my teeth chatter at the sound. My body automatically tightened up when I felt him try to pry my ass open. Before I could concentrate on the pain of another one of them splitting me a third one forced themselves inside my mouth. I gagged automatically and tried to breath through my nose. I was having such a difficult time getting oxygen I felt my head start to ache. 

“Swallow little slut come on...”

My jaw was starting to cramp and I couldn’t handle the shooting pains erupting down my neck. I tried another attempt to shove them off and failed miserably. My punishment for attempting was a hand around my throat. 

“Stop!”

“Shhhhh I got you... it’s ok.”

I recognized Oliver’s voice immediately and I knew I was dreaming. Sometimes my brain made up new dream sequences of torture but the one I woke up from was a flashback. I buried my body in Oliver’s and tried to suppress my cries into his chest. He began scratching the base of my scalp as he soothed me with words.

“You’re at home and you’re with me. Take a deep breath... good, count to five... hold it... exhale...”

He kissed my forehead and kept his lips there for several seconds. 

“You can shake it’s ok.”

I let myself shudder once Oliver gave my body permission to do so. I always spasmed a few times after I woke up just from PTSD. 

“I’m so nervous to go today.”

“I know... but I know you can do it.”

I held on to Oliver’s back while I tried to stay present in our conversation and not let my mind wander. After a few minutes of Oliver stroking my neck and scalp I noticed his change of breathing and knew he had fallen asleep. I tried to sleep but was continuously unsuccessful. I decided that doing breathing exercises was the most helpful thing I could do because I didn’t want to dislodge myself from Oliver’s arms. A few hours went by before I started to watch the sun rise from over Oliver’s shoulder. It looked like it was going to be a beautiful day and I absentmindedly squeezed Oliver.

“You ok?”

“Yah sorry I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Oliver began rubbing my entire body. I let my head fall back as I enjoyed the feeling of his hands on all the various patches of skin. 

“You’re purring.”

I batted my eyelashes at him and bit his nose playfully. I could feel that Oliver was hard which always made me slightly more anxious than I cared to admit. Oliver read me immediately and spoke to me calmly. 

“Do you want me to put clothes on? Is that why you can’t sleep?”

“No, I love feeling you I just get... nervous sometimes.”

“Are you nervous right now?”

I was learning to be honest with everyone about how I was feeling but times like this didn’t get any easier. I hated admitting to Oliver that his body occasionally did make me nervous. I nodded. 

“Do you want to sleep alone for a bit? I can go running.”

“I don’t want to push you away.”

“Last night was a lot and we slept together naked for the first time in awhile. It might be good for you to get some sleep alone.”

“Ok.”

I released a breath I didn’t know I was holding when Oliver sat up. He noticed instantly and caressed my cheek as he looked down to me. 

“I love waking up with you.”

I took the hand that was lightly touching my face and placed multiple kisses all around it. 

“I’ll be back in a few hours... get some sleep.”

Oliver changed in the bathroom then headed down the stairs. I could hear that the house was awake but I intended to sleep until we left. I was excited to sprawl out on my stomach and get a few more hours of rest in. I laid limp and relaxed on the bed as my body succumbed to sleep in only a few minutes.

“Hey, wake up.”

I groaned into the pillow as Oliver rubbed large circles on my back with his palm. 

“Just keep doing that for a bit.”

Oliver laughed at my grumbled speech. 

“We’re leaving in 30 minutes so that’s how long you have. Are we picking up Joey?”

“No he’ll be here at 1. What time is it?”

“Around 12:30.”

“Ok.”

“So... was last night too much how are you feeling?”

“Fine... Last night was wonderful... I’m just kind of off balance because of the nightmare.”

Oliver sat his shirtless body next to me and took one of my hands in his. He started to massage my entire hand and wrist. After a minute I leaned in to rest my head on his shoulder. 

“Are you still going to therapy?”

“Yes, on Wednesdays.”

“Do you feel like it’s helping you.”

“Yes and no... I mean yes, I just think sometimes these things get worse before they get better.”

“I get that.”

I hadn’t asked Oliver about his therapy because I didn’t know if I could handle his journey and my own. But now I was starting to feel better and I wanted to be there for him as much as he had been there for me. 

“We’ll talk about it sometime when we’re in the mood.”

“Ok.”

I traced Oliver’s arm veins for a few more seconds then got up to change. I caught a glimpse of my naked frame in the mirror and gawked at myself. 

“I’m still really skinny.”

“No. You’re not that far off from what you normally weigh... you need to remember your bone structure and stature.”

“I guess.”

“Did you hear a knock?”

“I’ll go check.”

I threw on an outfit quickly then ran down the stairs. My mother was hugging Joey and my dad was asleep in an arm chair.

“Hey Joey.”

“Hi.”

“You can come up if you want.”

Joey and I had met at my house and hung out by the river and beach but he hadn’t come inside or up to my room. He followed me and I opened the door for him. When we entered Oliver was helping Mafalda fold laundry. She kissed my cheek then closed the door as she left. 

“Hi Joey.”

“Hey.”

Joey sat on my bed and combed his fingers through his hair nervously. 

“It’s ok to be nervous I didn’t sleep much last night.”

“Me either.”

“I had horrible nightmares... of course.”

“Me too.”

“Figures right.”

Suddenly I heard my mom bellow from downstairs.

“We’re leaving!”

“Oliver you ready?”

“Yep.”

Oliver grabbed a bag that had all my meds and a change of clothes. I felt a rush of blood run through my veins at the thought of urinating on myself the last time I saw one of them. Joey seemed to notice my change in demeanor and walked up to me.

“We can do this quick... ok?”

“Yah.”

My vocal cords felt stunted and I couldn’t say more than that. I turned around to avoid eye contact with anyone and started towards the car. We all managed to fit in the small vehicle. I was leaning my head on Oliver’s shoulder but holding Joey’s hand. Joey periodically squeezed my hand as we continued to drive. My parents talked the entire ride. Oliver chimed in occasionally but Joey and I were dead silent. 

“I don’t know if I can do this.”

I removed myself from Oliver and faced Joey. 

“I do. We both can. Let’s just get this shit over with... ok?”

Joey nodded then let a tear fall down his cheek. Another minute went by then my father announced that we had arrived. When he turned around in the car I noticed how tired he looked. I assume he didn’t sleep much more than I did. Oliver opened the car door then the police station door for us. My mom went to an officer and spoke to them momentarily. She came back to us and spoke quietly. 

“We can go back right now, they’re ready. It’s up to both of you. Take your time.”

“Fuck... I don’t think I can do this.”

I held Joeys elbows in my hands and looked at him directly. 

“Yes you can. Let’s go.”

I grabbed his hand and followed my mom and the officer. My dad and Oliver stayed in the waiting room. I could hear them talking about something trivial to probably ebb away the tension. We were introduced to four people. Two were lawyers, one was a prosecutor, and one was a sergeant. One of the lawyers spoke first. 

“They can’t see you. Just tell us whenever you’re both ready.”

I looked at Joey and he nodded at me quickly. 

“We’re ready. Can we leave right after?”

The prosecutor spoke first. 

“Yes you can go through that door there. That’s an open room you can be alone in if you would like.”

Joey was starting to twitch and blink rapidly. I decided it was better to rip off the bandaid then let Joey implode next to me. 

“I think we’re ready.”

The sergeant made a que to send the line up in. Joey was looking down.

“You have to look ok... even if it’s only for a second.”

He nodded and grasped my hand. We were both sweating but I didn’t care, I squeezed his hand. The moment I saw the first one I felt my throat constrict, then the second, then the third. I couldn’t breath. They were real. I didn’t dream it. Was I dreaming now? Joey shook me from my thoughts when he latched his body to my chest and began trembling violently. I held on to him so I wouldn’t fall and cradled his head against my neck. I felt an immense need to vomit but I tried to push it down so I could comfort Joey. I felt my mom place her hand on my back and lead me to the room they had spoken about. We both collapsed on a couch once we were there and sobbed in each other’s arms. Joey’s cries turned into screams and I had to somewhat hold him down. In this moment I realized he was in a different stage of recovery then me. 

“I can’t anymore.”

Him telling me he felt like he couldn’t anymore snapped me out of my stress inducing coma. 

“Joey... can you look at me?”

I saw everything I had experienced at the hospital written on his face.

“They’re never going to touch you again. It’s over. You did it. You never have to see them again... you’re safe ok. It’s ok to throw up or sleep... we can just sit here. Just keep breathing... ok?”

Joey nodded quickly then asked for a bucket. He vomited profusely as I held his hair. I rubbed his back as he tried to get his breathing under control. He wiped his mouth and looked up at me. 

“Are you ok?”

Joey asked me the question with such understanding I felt more tears release down my face. 

“No.”

“Go see Oliver. I’m fine... really you helped me through the worst... I’m better now.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’ll stay with him Elio... go.”

My mom took my spot and immediately scooped Joey into her arms. He instantly began crying in her lap and my heart constricted at the sight. Joey had told me his mom had died when he was a child. Seeing Joey cry in my mom’s arms made me feel more complete then I thought I could, considering the situation. I shut the door and let my legs carry me to Oliver. He stood the moment I entered the waiting room and jogged to me. I fell into his arms and broke down instantly. 

“It’s ok... you did it... you did it.”

I smiled at his words of encouragement and grasped his shirt for balance. 

“Joey?”

“With mom.”

I sobbed my quick response out and then continued to rub my tears on Oliver’s shirt. 

“Dad?”

“Talking to the lawyers.”

“Outside?”

I inhaled dramatically once I got a mouthful of fresh air. I paced anxiously as I ran my hand through my hair. 

“I just want to run...”

I was pacing and started to feel my mind race just as fast as my legs wanted to go. 

“You probably want to run away... instinctually I mean.”

Before I could give it anymore thought my mom came out with Joey. He seemed much more startled than me so I took a break from my episode and went to him. 

“Joey do you want to go home or do you want to come over?”

“I don’t know.”

I could tell Joey was at the place that Marzia calls “the place of no return without a reset.” Joey needed medication or a nap to reset his brain. He also needed someone to make decisions for him because he was in no place to decide anything. He looked absolutely petrified which made me feel uneasy. 

“Let’s take him to our house ma... I think I can help him, is that ok?”

“Is his father home?”

“No he’s working.”

“Well yes then he’s coming with us he can’t be alone. Let’s go, Sammy is staying with the lawyers to go over case details. I’m picking him up later. Oliver you can sit up front with me.”

Oliver opened the door for us as we got in. The second we were enclosed in the car I pulled Joey into me. 

“Lay down.”

Joey curled his legs up to his chest and put his head in my lap. 

“Oliver did you bring a blanket.”

“Yes it’s in the bag.”

I took it out and covered Joey’s body in it. I smoothed it down over him then started to rub his back in the same way Oliver always does to me. I felt his wheezing start to be replaced with normal labored breaths. Joey exhaled two words on my thigh before falling unconscious from exhaustion.

“Thank you.”

I smiled then noticed Oliver had turned around. I mouthed the same phrase to Oliver as he spoke almost silently “I love you.”


	39. His Friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I usually update more regularly but life has been hectic. This chapter wasn’t what I planned but it just kind of happened. Tell me what you guys’ think♥️

Joey slept the entire car ride but the moment we stopped in front of the house I felt him stir. His entire body was shuddering and I didn’t know how to wake him up. 

“Joey... wake up.”

Suddenly his eyes flew open and he leaped back. Once his eyes settled on me he inhaled sharply and started to cry. I didn’t know what to do. I was already such a wreck I had no clue how to handle Joey without having my own breakdown. 

“Elio get out I’ll carry him.”

When Oliver went to scoop him in his arms Joey flinched at his touch but allowed the contact. Once we were in my bedroom Oliver laid Joey down on my bed gently. Everything was so vivid. I could see the blue of Joey’s eyes from across the room. I knew he was struggling in a way I understood too well. Watching him in clear terror made my stomach feel extremely unsettled. I felt the familiar feeling of my skin tingle with irritation. 

“My skins crawling.... I feel so sick.”

Oliver just sat next to Joey while he tried to calm him down. I hadn’t even realized I was still in the door way just staring. 

“Come here.”

I couldn’t move. I felt my vision blur and my hands start to tremble. 

“I’m going to the bathroom.”

Oliver stepped in front of the door denying me access. 

“No don’t, you’re just going to throw up.”

“I feel so sick Oliver.”

“Then let me hold you. You’re just going to scratch in there and you’re just starting to scab up.”

I nodded and walked over to the bed and collapsed on top. I gravitated to Joey instantly and laid next to him without touching. 

“I can leave you guys if you want.”

“No stay.”

I grasped Oliver’s hand and pulled him in so his chest was flush against my back. Joey spoke to me with pleading confusion. 

“Where are we?”

“We’re at my house, in my bed... you’re ok.” 

“Are we close to a hospital?”

The tone in Joey voice made me nervous but before I could speak he spoke again. 

“I think I’m bleeding.”

“What. From what?”

“I had sex last night.”

“What? With all this going on... Why did you do that?”

“I don’t know. I was lonely. It was so painful. I just cried the entire time.”

“Joey I can bathe you if you want?”

Oliver’s question came out so soft that I could tell he knew under normal circumstances it was a strange question. But these weren’t normal circumstances. 

“Yah...”

It didn’t bother me that Oliver would be caressing and sponging Joey. I almost wished for Oliver to touch Joey the way he touched me because I wanted him to know what it can be like. I wanted him to know that there were people that could help him instead of hurt him. I wanted him to trust a man that wasn’t me. 

“You coming?”

I nodded and followed them to the bathtub. Once Joey undressed I noticed new handprints on his neck that hadn’t been there yesterday.

“Those weren’t there yesterday... why did you let someone touch you like this?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

He got into the bubble bath and instantly grasped Oliver’s shoulders for balance. He stumbled slightly then hit the marble with a thud. He rested his head on the side and brought his hand out of the water for me to hold. Oliver washed his entire body while Joey exhaled pained gasps and shrieks. 

“Should we take him to the hospital?”

Oliver exhaled then looked at me then Joey. I answered him in as soothing of a tone as I could handle. 

“Joey... we can take you if you want but there’s not a lot of blood and they’ll put the same cream on you that we have, but it’s up to you.”

“No... no hospitals.”

Oliver looked at me silently for my opinion and I shrugged. I didn’t know what was best for Joey because of how badly I was disassociating. Everything seemed to be a blur. It felt like we had been in the bathroom for less than 30 seconds but also hours. I knew I appeared to be in better shape than Joey, which in truth, I was. Unfortunately, that wasn’t saying much. When Oliver soaped Joey in a particular spot he squeezed my hand. I brought my eyes up from the floor to look at what was going on. I was met with his back arched uncomfortably and his ribs protruding. 

“The only reason it might be a good idea to go is because of your weight. You need to start eating.”

Joey looked at me like I had stung him. 

“I’m sorry not all of us can gain almost 15 pounds in three weeks.”

I knew it wasn’t an insult but it sounded like one which caused me to pull my hand away. 

“I’m sorry.”

All the anger I had for his comment evaporated when I saw the devastated expression on his face. 

“You’re so wonderful and you have so much to offer someone please don’t go home with strangers and let people obviously hurt you.”

“I feel like I deserve it... I’m gay.”

Oliver looked at me then spoke to Joey.

“What makes you think you deserve pain because you’re gay?”

“No one knows... I can never tell my dad. He thinks all this happened because I’m gay. I’ve never told him I am but I know he knows. I just... want to feel good but whenever I try I just get hurt, maybe being gay really is a sin and I deserve to be punished.”

Oliver continued speaking to Joey as he rubbed his scalp with shampoo. 

“You know that’s not true.”

“Then why am I in so much pain?”

“Because people took your choices away and violated you. That can happen to anyone.”

I smiled as I saw Joey relax into Oliver’s touch. I was surprised at how intimate it felt to watch Oliver touch someone else. I didn’t feel jealous or excluded. I felt my cheeks blush with embarrassment at the idea of watching Oliver really touch Joey. Did I want that? Who did I want that for? Joey or me? Or both of us? Was Oliver thinking what I was thinking? I was brought out of my sexual thoughts when I saw Joey begin to cry. It appeared he was trying to hold back his discomfort as Oliver washed his entrance lightly. I took both of Joey hands in mine and smiled at him genuinely. 

“It’s almost over.”

He smiled back at me then to Oliver. 

“You can sleep here for as long as you need until you feel like you can go home. And when you want to we can drop you off.”

“Ok.”

“Elio do you want to grab some of your clothes for him to change into?”

I got up quickly and headed to my dresser. I picked out a pair of sweats and a plain white shirt. When I returned to the bathroom Joey was out of the bath, wrapped in a towel, in Oliver’s arms. I joined them on the floor and stroked Joey’s back as Oliver held on to him. 

“I’m sorry Elio you’re probably going through so much too and you’re completely fine.”

“Can I tell you something Joey?”

“Yes.”

“The only reason I’ve gotten better is because I’ve had the person that’s holding you by my side every step of the way. And now you have us... I know you feel like you’re dying and that it’ll never get better but even tonight it will get a little better. Because... because... every moment you’re still alive is a blessing... for everyone, but especially yourself... sorry I don’t really know where I was going with that.”

Joey ran his fingers down Oliver’s back as he tried to steady his breathing. 

“Do you guys have sex?”

Oliver pulled himself slightly apart from Joey and spoke to him slowly.

“We haven’t in awhile. It’s important to heal in a few different ways before we do. Why do you ask?”

I could tell Oliver was classically taking care of not only two people but the entire situation and for that I was grateful. Oliver was so open that I knew the conversation could only illuminate deep various connections. 

“You both just seem so happy, and normal, and I don’t know... in love.”

“Well I may speak for Elio when I say I agree with you but it’s all about timing. We happened to meet at 24 and 17. How old are you?”

“18.”

“18. So you won’t meet your Elio for six years. Doesn’t that feel like a long time? It may feel like the wait is forever but it’s worth it.”

I couldn’t help but fall into a new level of love for Oliver while watching him speak to Joey. I cared so much for Joey but there were some things I couldn’t provide him with. 

“I don’t know if I can wait six years.”

Oliver said something then that’s shocked me. 

“Do you want to kiss Elio, Joey?”

“What?”

“To see what you’re waiting for. The type of person that you’ll get to have. The type of kiss you’ll get to receive.”

Joey turned to me immediately when Oliver finished speaking. I looked at them both with my guard completely down and I couldn’t help but feel the energy in the room. I knew Oliver wanted to help Joey and so did I. Somehow this felt right. I wanted to kiss him to show him that I loved him. I also thought he had a crush on me and in all honesty I wanted to take his mind off of his pain. The only thing that brought me back from sheer horror at times was Oliver’s lips. I wanted to give Joey something he desired to ease his trauma. I kneeled next to them both and placed one of my hands on Joey’s neck. I kissed where all of the handprints were the same way Oliver did to me in the hospital. I heard him stifle a moan. When I looked up I saw Oliver rubbing his shoulders. I leaned my face in closer to his and let my lips linger. I simply placed my lips on top of his and moved his mouth apart gently. He breathed on my tongue then pulled away.

“I can’t kiss you anymore or have Oliver touch me I’m going to embarrass myself.”

“You can’t embarrass yourself Joey... not with us.” 

I smiled at Oliver’s remark. I was so grateful to have them both at this moment. I was so consistently worried about Joey that it was nice to have help.  
I kissed Joey’s forehead then stood up. 

“Do you guys’ want to go to bed?”

Oliver helped Joey up then walked into the bedroom. I laid down next to Joey then Oliver laid behind me. I pulled Joey into my chest then settled his head against my neck. At the same time Oliver placed both his hands on my stomach and kissed my ear. I was starting to admit honesty to others but also myself. I felt the most relaxed I could be with Joey’s chest against mine and Oliver’s hand’s wrapped around my waist. Before I knew it I felt the exhaustion of the day and the inevitable emotional toll of the night mold together into sleep.


	40. His Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! After the last chapter and all the varying opinions I’m super interested to see what you guys’ think of this chapter. I enjoyed writing it so I hope you all enjoy too. Thanks for all the comments and Kudos♥️

When I woke up I felt only one pair of arms wrapped around me. I knew it was Oliver. I knew because of the light way he was rubbing my back with his nails, his scent, and his size. I hummed into his chest to see if I would get a response. 

“You awake?”

“Yah. Where’s Joey?”

“Your mom took him home.”

“Was he ok when he left?”

“Yah, as ok as he could have looked.”

I nodded then looked up to see that Oliver’s eyes were still closed. I shifted my body weight up so I could kiss all over his face. I spoke once I could tell that he was slightly more awake and alert. 

“So you’re the one always talking about honesty right?”

“Occasionally.”

I smirked at him and was granted a low pitched giggle.

“I understand why you asked Joey if he wanted me to kiss him. I do, that’s why I did it but... truthfully was there a sexual agenda behind it?”

Oliver looked right into my eyes. I always felt on display when he gazed at me so intensely. 

“Yes and no.”

“Yes and no?”

“Yes because I’m not going to lie to you that the thought of including Joey in sex would be exhilarating but no because it’s not worth it to me and it’s not practical.”

“Practical?”

“Yah I think there’s a practicality to sex. I don’t think it would work because we love each other and Joey loves you. The kiss was harmless and I think very therapeutic for both of you but...”

“Go back to what you were saying about exhilarating... why?”

“Well I’ve never been with two men before and there’s no denying you’re both beautiful and I would very much enjoy myself but I would be too worried... about both of you. The situation is just not right.”

“Would you want to... if we both weren’t raped?”

“What I want for myself and what I want for us are two separate things. I’m honest enough with you to tell you that of course I’ve thought about it but I don’t think the reality would go as smoothly as the fantasy.”

“I thought about it too. I felt crazy and kind of... secretive. I wanted to ask so I could see if you thought about it too.”

“So would you want to?”

“No because I know Joey likes me and I wouldn’t want to hurt him. It would really just be sex... it wouldn’t be like it is with you and I. I also don’t really have a desire to sleep with anyone that’s not you.”

“I feel the same way.”

“How is that?”

“What?”

“That we almost always agree or think the same things.”

“Because we’re very similar people but are also very naturally intuitive of one another.”

“I guess. I don’t feel intuitive. I feel lost and scared most of the time. Until I get up the courage to talk to you. I always feel better when I tell you what I’m thinking and I’m honest. I’m truly sorry that I lied for so long. I was trying to protect you...”

“I know and that’s normal.”

“To lie to the ones you love?”

“No. To just... not be cognitively aware enough to worry about honesty. You were just trying to survive.”

“I feel like I still am sometimes.”

“We all are.”

Oliver kissed me on the lips for the first time since I woke up. I loved the contrast of going from kissing Joey to Oliver. Joey was new, unnerving, and cathartic. Oliver transcended me. When he wrapped his hand around my neck and through my hair I felt my entire body tingle. I wanted to exhale because Oliver always overwhelmed me with emotion and love. The feeling of his presence and touch could unravel me in seconds out of nowhere. I almost forgot what it felt like. Almost. When his tongue slipped into my mouth I smiled at the familiar feeling. I knew every inch of his mouth and I worshiped the way he molded his lips in and around mine. His scent filled my nostrils and I felt chemicals fill my brain with sex. We hadn’t in so long that I was starting to feel better physically. I still didn’t know if I was ready emotionally but my body was aching for his.

“I don’t know how much longer I can share a bed with you and not allow you inside of me.”

Oliver’s pupils expanded dramatically and I gasped at his change of breath. 

“Not yet.”

“I feel better.”

“I know... just not yet.”

I nodded knowing that he was right.

“Nice try in seducing me though... it almost worked.”

“Seducing me? You just... you haven’t kissed me like that since...”

“The first time I came inside you.”

“Yah...”

I couldn’t believe he knew what I was referring too... but I did. I rested my head on his and exhaled my name lovingly. Oliver responded by licking a path from my collarbone to my ear while rubbing my stomach. He knew my abdomen was one of my most sensitive areas and he was barely ghosting over it with his fingertips. 

“Don’t say no and then do this. You’re not being fair.”

“Am I offending you?”

I gawked at his spryness and irony. I knew I had tempted him with those same words. A part of me wanted to forget about my past completely and just beat Oliver at his own game. I lost all logical thought when he whispered his name in my ear while running his hand lightly over my clothed cock. I knew he was beating me. I couldn’t stop the sensations coursing through my body to give it back to him. Once he sucked on my pulse point I rolled my head back in defeat and moaned. Without planning it, it had appeared my vocal exertion caused Oliver to stop what he was doing. He looked at me like I wasn’t real. That I would disappear any second. I changed my gaze from a hooded submission of lust. I slowly opened my eyelids wider to accommodate my emotions. I wanted to see him. What had I done to him? What was he thinking? He didn’t speak and neither did I, we just looked and took in the other. After a few minutes Oliver lifted me from the bed and started massaging my neck gently. I moaned at the feeling of Oliver’s sincerity and my submission. I wanted this. Oliver was the one that had said no. Why? Was he changing his mind or was a torturing me? 

“What do you want?”

Oliver looked at me almost surprised I could form words. I continued.

“You always ask me what I want. What do you want? I want to know.”

“You.”

In that moment I expected Oliver to begin sucking and groping me but he hugged me. He pulled me into his chest so carefully that I felt like a porcelain doll. In that moment I began to cry. I couldn’t explain it or even pin point my feelings. I just couldn’t help the lightness that I felt in my body while being in Oliver’s arms after what he had just said. I laid my neck against Oliver’s shoulder and closed my eyes for several minutes while we ran our hands up and down each other’s arms. Oliver moved his hands from my arms to my neck then hair. Oliver often said I purred when he combed his fingers through my hair. I never heard it but I’m sure I made some sort of sound of satisfaction. 

“Do you have any homework?”

I cleared my throat before beginning to speak. 

“I finished the entire semesters work like last week.”

“You’re too smart for your own good.”

“No, I’m just bored most days and have nothing to do but bury myself in mundane studies. Are you enjoying work?”

“Yes. But I’d love a vacation.”

“Can we go away in the winter?”

“Depends... on a lot. How you’re feeling and if you’re family wants you home for the holidays... if I can get the time off.”

It felt good to have a normal conversation to break the intensity. However, there were questions I had for Oliver after all that. It was hot and charged and I loved it but he seemed... hurt. It seemed that he was trying to remember something. He said the words that we shouldn’t yet but his touches and words were lustful. I was so in love with him it scared me. And I was so scared of so many things. I knew we hadn’t been intense with each other because of everything we were going through. But when Oliver and I were intimate we couldn’t hide from each other. In every touch, every word, every look, we knew there was more. We both had so much horror individually but that wasn’t us, together. I needed to ask him. 

“You seem like somethings on your mind?”

“Therapy has just been hard. I didn’t expect it to be so draining.”

“That means you’re doing it right.”

Oliver laughed with me then put his leg in between both of mine and wrapped us deeper in the covers. 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“I’m so tired Elio... I got a phone call this morning that my parents told my brothers I was paying a prostitute for sex in Italy and that I got AIDS and that’s why they destroyed everything. Tim called me this morning.”

I knew Tim was Oliver’s older brother who he was the closest to.

“Does he believe it?”

“No. But he doesn’t understand why I chose to be gay.”

“You said you don’t even know if you’re gay.”

“I’m with you... to my family I am and I don’t mind saying I am. I just feel disoriented knowing that I can never go home again but I’m simultaneously relieved... for many reasons. And... I just feel guilty that I’m so angry and not sad. But when I’m with you... when I heard you moan I was brought out of everything. You bring me back to love and beauty.”

“One half of me is yours, the other half yours. Mine own, I would say; but if mine, then yours, And so all yours.”

“I love when you cop out by reciting Shakespeare... Merchant?”

I nodded and cast my eyes down to look at his shirtless torso. 

“How long do you want to wait?”

“If the doctor says you can at your next appointment then whenever you want.”

“Maureen won’t... with everything happening she doesn’t think we should be having sex at all and she’s probably right... not saying we’re not going to I’m just saying it’s always better to be safe than sorry but when you give me speeches like that looking the way you do right now... it’s not very fair.”

“Fair?”

“Yes fair.”

“You tempt me everyday and you know it.” 

I smirked at him knowingly and ran my hand through my hair. 

“I have to have some form of fun.”

“What form of fun would you like to have right now?”

“You already swooned me with your words... try your mouth.”

The moment I finished Oliver licked behind my ear and sucked my earlobe between his teeth. When I arched my back off the bed he looped his arm underneath me. He completely supported my body weight with his arm as he rubbed my entire body. 

“Are you going to touch me?”

“Do you want me to, Elio?”

The pitch in his voice was so different when he said my name I felt my cock expel pre-cum. Without thought I brought Oliver’s hand to my throat and wrapped it around. Instead of keeping it there he brought it up to my jaw and palmed my bones lightly. 

“I’m not going to hurt you angel... even if you want me to I’m sorry.”

I lowered my eyes in defeat and cursed myself for being so pathetic. Oliver switched the tone to being overwhelmingly tender. He kissed both my cheeks and then my closed mouth. I let him inhale my tongue while he started to finally bring me off with his hand. I couldn’t help finally running my hands up and down his chest and shoulders. After a minute of Oliver stroking me I came on my stomach without warning. Oliver touched himself for the same short amount of time before showing signs of release. I threw the covers over and swallowed his cock while massaging him with my tongue and cheeks. After a few more seconds Oliver tried to pull out of my throat to cum. I greedily held his hips in place and licked my lips up and down on his pulsing flesh. I lifted my eyes at him intentionally slow which caused another drop of cum to leek on my tongue. Oliver pushed me onto my back and began to trail his tongue up my stomach and belly button. Before we could say anything I heard the door open down stairs. 

“Elio! Oliver! We’re home! Get ready we’re going to dinner.”

We both laughed at the unfortunate timing as Oliver headed for the shower and I screamed downstairs. 

“Give us 15 minutes!”

“Fretta!”

I followed Oliver into the bathroom and couldn’t help smiling at the realization that it really seemed that Oliver and I were getting good at getting through difficult things together. The thought made my stomach warm and my chest feel full. 

“Come get in the shower!”

I let the heat engulf my skin as I sighed at the temperature. Oliver kissed the back of my neck and spoke evenly. 

“I think we should go to therapy together about sex. You want me to hurt you and you try to get me to try subconsciously and it... can’t continue. I’m not upset and I don’t want you to think I am it’s just not healthy and I think we should incorporate it into our treatment.”

“Ok.”

I sat with his words and smiled at how relaxed I felt when we were so open with one another. I started to soap my body quickly as I thought about the days events and how proud I was of Oliver and myself for the same and different reasons.


	41. His Rainy Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I have a dumb amount of homework the next two days so I’ll probably update in a few. Maybe I’ll finish earlier and write but we’ll see. Let me know your thoughts as always! ♥️

As part of our therapy we were both supposed to write in a journal at least a page a day. We had to say a significant amount of weeks or days that have past since an event then discuss it. Yesterday I wrote that it had been 8 weeks since I had been in the hospital. I wrote about seeing Maureen and Cleo at dinner a few nights ago. I wrote about still struggling with eating but that I was proud of myself for doing better. I wrote about Joey and how nice it was to see him every Monday. I wrote about school and how bored I was. I must have read 200 books in the last 8 weeks. I wrote about Oliver... most of the time I wrote about Oliver then occasionally I would read my thoughts to him. He always called me a poet and I always blushed. I wrote about how excited I was for November and how the weather was starting to really change. I was brought out of my thoughts and writing when Oliver kissed me on the cheek before grabbing his bag and exclaiming a familiar “later.” I took note of how good he smelled and I immediately missed it once he was gone. It had been 11 weeks since we had last had sex. The more we went to therapy and the more we talked the more we both realized that we weren’t ready for different reasons. Oliver in the last weeks had opened up to me a lot about his dad and some of his specific experiences. I would pretend that I could handle it then once he went to sleep I would vomit in the bathroom. I lost 5 pounds in a week then gained it back when Oliver noticed. He told me we couldn’t talk about such things yet... that I wasn’t ready. I hated that he could care for me but I couldn’t care for him. But that’s why I was excited for November. Oliver’s birthday was on the 17th and I really wanted to make him feel special. He had started working 60 hours a week like he was originally supposed to and we spent the time he wasn’t working indoors reading, snuggling, and talking. Now that it was starting to get cold the only time we left the house was for dinner, therapy, and my support group. I cherished my time with him more now, that I saw him less frequently. I knew not only what I was going to get Oliver for his birthday but what I was going to tell him. I was excited and I knew Oliver had already picked up on my nerves. When I was thinking about it he would look at me and say, “What’s that look.” I always said some lie I thought of randomly then would change the subject. 

“Elio.”

I heard my dad knock on my door then I called for him to come in. 

“Hello.”

“Good morning. What are your plans today?”

“I’m helping Marzia with applications.”

“Is she coming here?”

“Yah she said around 4.”

“Ok. Oliver’s working a lot.”

“Yah.”

“How are you feeling?”

“Ok. I miss him... can I get your help on something?”

“Of course.”

My dad leaned against the door frame and put the book down that he was holding. 

“I want to buy Oliver a really nice type writer so he can start another book but I don’t really know where... I have the money.”

“Let me talk to some people. I’m sure I can find something.”

“Thanks dad.”

“Anymore thoughts on where you’re going in December.”

“Oliver got two weeks off but I’m worried about flights in the winter. I don’t know... I was thinking Ireland. I want to surprise him but I also kinda want to get his opinion.”

“Maybe bring it up but don’t harp on it too much.”

“I can’t he’ll figure me out.”

“Well it’s no secret you two have a vacation planned... maybe only have the typewriter be a surprise.”

“Yah I guess you’re right.”

“So... did you want to come to Court today.”

“No I’m ok.”

The four men had been going through various trials for assaulting me and other boys; my dad went everyday. Sometimes he testified sometimes he just watched. I knew Joey was going with him pretty often but I didn’t want to. I didn’t even want to testify. My dad and Joey were both trying to convince me that I should but the prosecutor assured me that the pictures Marzia had taken of me in the hospital would be enough evidence.

“I love you. Maybe you and Marzia can help mom clean... Bubba is coming next week and she’s going crazy.”

I laughed at the thought of Bubba meeting Oliver and how well I knew they would get along. 

“Ok. Love you.”

My dad closed my door quietly and proceeded down the stairs. I finished writing my page then noticed Oliver’s journal resting next to a candle. Should I? No. I shouldn’t read his things. But he shares them with me in therapy. Maybe there’s personal things in there? Don’t we share everything? No, Elio. It’s private. Ask him first. I threw my journal on top of his and went in the shower before considering it further. Once the water was scolding hot to my liking I stepped in and let out a breath at how good it felt. Oliver called me a fish because I could really stay in the bath, shower, or river for hours. I loved when Oliver touched me in the water. I thought about that a lot when I showered alone. Some of my favorite sensual memories of Oliver and I were when we were in the bath. I loved the feeling of his hands and the water. I craved the light headed feeling of arousal and overheating. Despite my past I really enjoyed pushing my body. That was something we often discussed in therapy. My need for pushing limits and feeling intense sensations. I could run for hours in immense pain, I loved scolding water, and I still had a desire for Oliver to cut off my oxygen intake during sex. The reason Oliver and I had started going to therapy was because I kept asking for him to choke me. We talked about it in one session and I learned that I wanted to give that control to Oliver... in essence give him my life. It was less for me about the pain of asphyxiation and more about feeling my heartbeat in his hands. However Marzia explained to me that because of what happened, Oliver couldn’t. Which I understood and in truth I think I would deny him if he asked. I couldn’t choke Oliver... I had no desire to, so I dropped the subject. But when I was alone I often wrapped my hand around my neck and touched myself. I hadn’t told Oliver because I knew he couldn’t do it and I didn’t want to make him feel inferior or that I wasn’t satisfied. I was. I was so satisfied with every part of our relationship even on the hard days and especially on the good ones. Unfortunately, this was like an itch that needed scratching; annoying and euphoric once tended to. I wondered if Oliver was hiding any similar habits? Maybe I would ask him... later. The moment I emerged from the shower I heard that it was pouring outside. I felt my entire body go numb at the sensory reminder of that night. Breathe Elio... you’re ok. I jumped when I heard the door open unexpectedly. Oliver was standing in my bedroom door frame dripping with a huge smile on his face. 

“I shouldn’t be happy my car broke down but there’s nothing more I want right now then to not go to work... and to be in bed with you all day.”

I walked to him while never breaking eye contact before pulling him a few inches down to kiss me. The contrast of my pruny overheated skin and his clammy damp flesh made me lift my eyes to his. 

“Do you have any objections to you making love to me right now?”

“None.”

I instantly started to bubble with fresh nerves and excitement. It had been 11 weeks and not only was my body begging for his but my brain also missed the chemicals. I loved Oliver and I always would even if someone told me I could never touch him again. I got such a great deal from our emotional connection. I also knew I needed to heal in a few ways and so did he. I knew we weren’t fixed but we were definitely better. I thought of him lately as my best friend first and lover second just because of the break. But now the feeling of Oliver’s hands in my shirt... made me remember how breathless he could make me. Oliver spoke in a surprisingly low pitch while still caressing me. 

“I’m not going to last long... I just want...”

“Slow?”

“Yah...”

Oliver opened his mouth like a blooming flower on the side of my neck while I started to undo his soaked shirt. After we were detached I let my towel drop to my ankles and Oliver pulled off his jeans and underwear. He took my hand warmly and led me to the side of the bed. Once we were both laying down we just touched, kissed, and nibbled all over each other. Though I didn’t understand, I knew Oliver loved my body as much as I loved his. I could tell because he looked at each detail of my nakedness affectionately before touching me. As if he wanted to guess a reaction before attempting to bring me pleasure. 

“I love feeling your skin underneath my fingertips... you’re so smooth.”

At the same time he spoke the word smooth, I scratched my nails through his chest hair. Oliver was covered in hair from his ankles to neck and I loved it. I remember the first few weeks of summer I would get a peak of some strands of golden perfection when he played volleyball shirtless or wore those short shorts. I was brought back to the present when I noticed that Oliver had started massaging my inner thigh while staring at me. I followed his gaze and noticed he was tracing a scar I had. There was a nail in the grass when I was attacked and there was a shallow puncture wound that had not healed all the way. Before I could speak Oliver bent down and kissed the discolored raised flesh. I felt my eyes start to well up with tears at his tenderness.

“Do you want to talk about anything... I know it’s raining.”

“I got anxious about it earlier. I feel ok now. I know we’ve both been busy and just really enjoying each other’s company and I love you... you know that; but no. I don’t want to talk right now I want to moan and gasp while you make my body shake in pleasure.”

Oliver again gave me a look that I wasn’t really or maybe too good to be true. I didn’t feel this way but he often reminded me of my worth with his eyes. I took his neck in both my hands and kissed him heatedly. He scooped me into his arms so I was resting in his lap. I raked my nails down his back and was rewarded with a delicious arch in Oliver’s spine. I reached my hand in between our bodies to stroke both of us. He hissed in my mouth at the familiar but unexpected touch. After a few seconds Oliver lifted me with one arm while I wrapped my ankles around his back. Out of nowhere Oliver laughed genuinely and without restraint. 

“You’re like a little Koala.”

I bit his collarbone and he sighed when I licked the wounded skin. 

“If you don’t want to it’s ok... I didn’t mean for my speech to rush you I know you’re dealing with your own stuff.”

“No no as long as you’re healed... I’m ok.”

I nodded my head and reached over for the lubricant. I didn’t care that it wasn’t passionate fireworks. I loved that we were laughing and talking while my body was still slightly vibrating with need. That was my favorite part about being intimate with Oliver... how carefree and relaxing it always was. 

“You relax me... you know that? I’m so nervous all the time. I feel like I can breath when I’m with you.”

Oliver blew a burst of cold air on my stomach and I twisted at the sensation. I massaged his cock delicately with the lube while never breaking eye contact. I nodded to him so he knew I was still ok. After I nodded he wrapped both his arms around my back and set his forehead on top of mine. Without using his hands he breached my body slowly while stroking over my goosebumps. It stung and I jolted at the shock. 

“Sorry it’s never felt like this before.”

“Don’t apologize.”

Oliver stayed immobile while lightly kissing my entire body. I felt suffocated with love and all I could do was let my ass flutter and my heart contract. 

“That’s it baby...”

Once Oliver jutted his abdomen I let my eyes role back in my skull. Fuck, I missed this. I missed the feeling of quiet whispers of electrify coursing up my spine and loins. I missed feeling whole and sexually spiritual. I could transcend reality when Oliver was inside of me. Even the beginning stretch and slight discomfort I yearned for. 

“You feel so good... you’re so gorgeous.”

I never got used to Oliver’s compliments and always closed my eyes and let my skin turn a light rose color at his words. 

“You’re shivering angel. Are you ok?”

I looked down to see my body convulsing quietly. I didn’t know why I was shivering. I might have been cold but my blood felt so hot that I hadn’t noticed. Then I heard the rain. I felt Oliver inside me. I saw them. All of them. Oliver noticed my change of headspace and instantly pulled out of me and wrapped me in a yellow knit blanket. Without a word he cradled me in his arms and stroked my curls delicately. After a few minutes I managed to sob a phrase into his shoulder. 

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry... you said you could breath with me, just breath.”

“Can we keep going?”

“Are you in pain or was it a flashback?”

“Just PTSD... nothing to do with you.”

I stared up into Oliver’s sapphire eyes as I traced his jaw with my thumb. Oliver began to rub my hole without disrupting our positioning. 

“Can I stay on top... like this.”

“Of course.”

Oliver guided himself up into me slowly then brought my body to rest against his. He thrust up into me with precise movements. His efforts to hit a spot deep inside of me were fulfilled when I felt my entire mouth go slack with a moan. 

“That’s it... just feel it. Be here with me... just here.”

I smiled at how loving and sexual Oliver could look and sound simultaneously. In the last few weeks my heart and brain had gotten used to Oliver’s depth and care as a partner. Now my body was getting a taste of how generous he was. He knew exactly when to slow down or roll his body or kiss my neck. I always got to this point eventually when Oliver made love to me. I would feel everything swell. My heart, my cock, and my neck. Everything tightened then pulsed like a heartbeat. It was the sweetest tension followed by an unraveling exhalation of breath. 

“Elio.”

Oliver took my head in his hands and spoke his name as I felt his cum slide in and out of my willing hole. I smiled at the feeling and gasped when I felt him start to massage my cock. 

“I’m not going to be able to cum right now I masturbated in the shower, it’s ok.”

Oliver kissed both of my temples then turned me around so he could massage my shoulders. The violence of the rain grew in vibration. I gasped at the change and Oliver held me to him protectively. 

“You’re safe.”

“I want to sleep but there’s no dream I could have better than right now.”

“Maybe you’ll dream of right now.”

“Why would I dream of something I could have if I just fight to keep my eyes open?”

Oliver settled his lips next to my ear and whispered soothingly. 

“Because it’ll feel good to let go... you’ll come back to me, you always do.”

My nightmares were still consistent and I often had problems sleeping. I would get insomnia during the night then sleep most of the day. It was the middle of the day and I wanted to break my cycle but the rain was making me nervous. And my body was gloriously exhausted. Oliver entwined both my hands in his and brought his oversized arms around me. I succumbed to his embrace immediately and let myself collapse into rest.


	42. His Other

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the comments and Kudos! I don’t know if I’ll be doing another story or not after this one but if anyone has suggestions I’d love to hear what you guys’ would like to read. Warning about minor drug use in this chapter. As always let me know what you all think think. Enjoy! ♥️

When I woke up I felt something light resting on my skull. I titled my head back and Oliver lifted the book he was balancing. 

“What are you reading?”

I let my head fall back into his neck so I could see. I giggled immediately.

“Earnest... Oscar Wilde was gay.”

“He’s not very subtle.”

“What gay man is?”

“I’m sure there have been many that went seemingly unnoticed. Have you read it before?”

I tapped the book with my pointer finger. 

“My answer is going to surprise you. I haven’t actually.”

“Too busy taking care of me.”

Oliver scratched my scalp and continued to read and speak with ease.

“That’s not a very fair excuse I had 24 years.”

“I suppose.”

Oliver turned a specific page and it was covered in my own handwriting. 

“Do you write in all your books?”

“Not all but most.”

“Why?”

“I like to remember what I was thinking or feeling at the time so when I read it again I can look back and reminisce or see how much I’ve changed.”

“Do you believe you’ve changed a lot?”

“Some things stay the same only by changing.”

Oliver brought my chin up an inch with his finger and stared down at me with an expression I couldn’t quite read. 

“You’ve been reading my Heraclitus notes?”

“Well now I’m a bit embarrassed... I only read where you had stopped, there was a marker.”

“I had left it there...hoping you’d read it.”

“Really? Why?”

“Well you’re very nosy.”

I frowned at the thought that I almost read Oliver’s journal.

“Why did you want me to read that particular page?”

“Why do you think?”

Oliver was now rubbing my chest and shoulders with his finger nails only as I silently contemplated. 

“Because you were ready to change? To admit to yourself that you’ve always been this way but haven’t been able to change or grow into who you wish to be... who you wish to be with.”

“Well that made me hard but no.”

I laughed instantly at Oliver’s wit and kissed his shoulder lazily.

“Then what?”

“Well the text suggests that you can’t step in the same river twice. Which, in truth, I had never fully understood. Then... I was watching you in the river one day with Marzia... then she left and we swam for hours after. It was the same river but you were a different person... and I guess I was too. So even though it’s the same river you’re never the same person every time you return. Which I assume is what growth is... what change is... getting to be more yourself as time goes on. I was ignorant to think I knew myself. No one really does, we just change as we go and our actions depict who we are.” 

“What if someone changes for the worst?”

“Then that’s exactly who they were all along. Change is just growth and free will combined.”

I smiled at him sleepily and yawned accidentally. 

“I know it’s all very boring.”

I attempted to speak through my laughter.

“No! No! You know I’m always exhausted. You didn’t answer my question though... why did you leave it for me?”

“Because for some reason I knew you needed to be the one to tell me because I didn’t know if I would ever have the courage to tell you. Then you told me about the knight...”

“Who doesn’t know whether to speak or die?”

“I knew I couldn’t... I don’t know why but I believed in your bravery and I thought if you spoke you’d save both of us.”

“So I’m the knight?”

“We both are... or I can be the princess that’s fine.”

“Yes, cause you were chicken shit.”

“Oh please! You didn’t even actually say it. You just walked around historical monuments and told me how uninformed I was.”

“That’s not all I did.”

“No. You told me without telling me who you were. I knew that you knew that I knew what you were saying. Does that make sense?”

“Yes. I assumed you knew I knew by how fidgety you got and the fact that you left right after... and wait! If you left that book for me because you wanted me to say something why did you tell me...”

I shifted my voice lower and furrowed my brows to impersonate Oliver.

“We can’t talk about those things... we just can’t.”

Oliver threw a pillow that was next to him at me lightly then kissed me quickly before continuing. 

“I felt guilty that my desires weren’t as pure as your innocence was in that moment. I didn’t want to hurt you... I was reminded when you swayed from side to side with a such strong blush to your neck and face how young you were... in that way.”

“The truth is rarely pure and never simple.”

“I hate that you quote the books I’m reading...”

We moved our eyes from each other’s lips to our eyes then back again. 

“I actually love it... Why did you pick that quote to entertain me with?”

“Because what makes you think my thoughts were innocent?”

“I don’t.”

“That’s what you just said!”

“No. I said you were young.”

I finally fell quite in defeat remembering that was indeed what he said. 

“Well I’m glad it worked out the way it did. Even though you made things very difficult for me.”

Oliver smirked at the fact that I used another quote from his somewhat recent past.

“Elio! Oliver! Come down for dinner!”

Oliver and I dressed quickly while giggling. Our conversation still hung in the air and I felt warm energy course through my blood. Not only did Oliver make me feel safe but he made me feel alive. I was challenged but listened to. We both admired each other a great deal and that made our conversations that much more fluid and honest. Oliver opened the door for me then we both flew down the stairs. My parents kissed both of us on the cheek when we got to the table. 

“Where’s Mafalda?”

My dad sat down next to my mother and spoke as he handed me a fork. 

“She has a cold, her and Anchise are sleeping.”

“Oh ok. That explains why we’re eating pasta.”

“Hey! You know I make good pasta.”

“I know. I know.”

Oliver took a large bite and spoke after swallowing. 

“How was Court?”

“Good. A few more weeks. It’s looking good they should be in prison for a long time.”

My stomach instantly felt unsettled at the thought of them. I kept my head down and continued eating as slow as I could so I wouldn’t feel sick. My dad interrupted my nausea by speaking to Oliver. 

“Oliver I don’t think you’ll be able to get to work for a few days... they’re saying the roads may be flooded.”

“I can’t say I’m not excited.”

My mom giggled then poured herself more wine. 

“Have you both thought about going anywhere for the holidays?”

I looked at Oliver and he smiled at me briefly. 

“Well Elio wants to go to Ireland which I’m not opposed to but I thought maybe somewhere a little closer like Rome.”

“I kind of agree. Just in case something goes wrong. I don’t want to think like that but...”

My mom chimed in.

“It’s important to have a plan.”

My mom refilled my glass of wine and I smiled at Oliver knowing he would be carrying me upstairs pretty soon. Once we started talking about the trip my nausea went away then instantly returned once I heard Joey’s name. My dad was talking about how much he was struggling and how he might move to the states for college. The thought of not seeing Joey every Monday made me feel uneasy. 

“I think it will be good for him to leave. It will be good for me eventually too.”

Oliver ghosted his hand over mine then spoke to the table.

“New York is busy but you’ll love it.”

“Do you think you’ll be in New York as well, Oliver?”

I could tell my mom was prying for information and I smirked knowing we were very similar in our investigative antics. 

“I probably will. It just depends on if I get a job with a university, I’ll be applying next month.”

“Well that will be wonderful... and don’t think that because you both live somewhere else you can’t visit.”

“Oh I’m just coming back for the wine.”

The whole table laughed at Oliver’s humor. We continued talking about future plans, politics, and town gossip. Dinner was often very lengthy in my household and on the third hour I was starting to feel pleasantly intoxicated and loose lipped. I spoke without realizing there was already a conversation flowing.

“Marzia didn’t come today. Did any of you hear anything?”

My mom let her voice travel from the kitchen as she put the dishes away.

“She called but you were sleeping. She had to babysit her cousin!”

I mocked her by screaming back.

“Ok!”

My dad began to laugh while he helped her clean the table. Oliver put his hand over mine and spoke directly to me. 

“Let’s go to bed, it’s Sunday.”

Monday’s were big days for both of us. The hospital and support group center were about an hour away from the house. Because of this, all of our appointments were on one day, other than Oliver therapy; that was on Wednesday’s. Usually Oliver worked until 5 on Monday’s and was with me for our therapy at 6, then during support group he slept in the car. 

“How many appointments do you have tomorrow sweetheart?”

“Well one and then the support group... why do you always ask me? It’s the same every week.”

“Well it’s good Oliver won’t have work tomorrow.”

I looked directly at Oliver as I spoke in a dazed tone. 

“Yes it is.

“Ok. Time to go to bed.”

My parents giggled at Oliver’s timing. My mom kissed my forehead and brushed a black lock of hair out of my eyes. 

“Goodnight.”

Once we had done the minimal amount of cleaning we both collapsed on the bed, intertwined our limbs, then fell immobile to our now sufficient buzz. 

“Why do you enjoy books Elio?”

Strangely it seemed like an intimate question. Marzia once told me she thought people who read are secretive. I didn’t understand what she meant until now. I searched my mind for my honest answer and the one I wanted to exclaim. I decided on a quick remark then a quote to get out of the personal inquisition. 

Well... I like books because I feel like a book... a story... a life. “I’m like a book you have to read. A book can’t read itself to you. It doesn’t even know what it’s about. I don’t know what I’m about.”

“I’ll read you whenever you want.”

Though the air around the comment was lustful I felt my lungs start to whimper with emotion. I was suddenly caught off guard by the intense sensation of adoration and unconditional love I had for Oliver. Before I could let my chest rise and fall to the rhythm of his, he spoke. 

“What is that from?”

I shifted my position so we were in a T. I let my head fall on his ribs and propped my knees up. He placed his hand on my inner thigh and looked down on me. I whispered dramatically while letting the feeling of intoxication and peace wash over me. I’m a river. The river is constant. My soul has always been and it always will be. No matter what happens. I will die alone. 

“A Single Man.”

“I think I may have to read it.”

“Oh I don’t know if I want you to read the notes in that one.”

“Why?”

“Do you want to smoke? Joey gave me some pot.”

“What!”

Oliver was laughing so hard that he was gasping for breath. 

“You’re something else.”

“What?”

“I just asked you about what you wrote in a book that must mean so much to you that you quoted it when I asked you about your love for the concept of books. But I’m not allowed to read it which is fine but... now I’m so curious... then you asked if I wanted pot. I mean of course I do.”

Now it was my turn to laugh uncontrollably. I got up quickly, opened my window, and grabbed the joint from a pair of pants on the floor. Oliver threw me a match box and I lit it carefully. I took a long drag and blew out into the rainy night. The rain was loud and somewhat threw my sense of mindfulness off. 

“It’s not that I don’t want you to read it. It’s just that I haven’t looked at it in a few months and I remember some things I wrote but not all. You should read it though. I don’t know if Christopher Isherwood was a Proust scholar or if he just admired him... I don’t know I liked it because of that as well... I love Proust.”

I walked over to Oliver and handed him the joint. 

“No. You go.”

I smirked at him and inhaled. He took my neck in one hand and brought my lips to his. I opened my mouth slowly and he followed my lead. Just as I started to breath into his mouth he inhaled sharply then let his head fall back. A large cloud of smoke filled the room and we both started laughing. 

“Who is your favorite scholar?”

“I don’t have an answer... give me a day.”

“I’ll be waiting... patiently.”

“Oh please... you’re the least patient person I’ve ever met.”

“Ouch.”

I frowned sarcastically then let Oliver exhale smoke into my open mouth.

“How do you feel?”

“Me or my ass?”

I smiled at my playfulness and bated my eyelashes at his cock. 

“Your ass.”

“Ok... I’m a little sore. You’re not very easy.”

“What?”

“You’re big... I don’t know, I didn’t want to make you feel bad.”

“Elio I’ve seen myself in a mirror. You’re not informing me of something new.”

We both laughed before I put the joint out and laid directly on top of him. Because of the height difference my head was resting perfectly on his shoulder. 

“Don’t feel bad though. You were made for me... and I to you.”

“You do stretch... I couldn’t believe it the first time...”

I knew Oliver was genuinely in awe but I couldn’t help laughing. 

“I think everyone’s ass can do that.”

“Maybe. I don’t know it just feels like everything about you is special.”

“I wish I was better at complimenting you. You say such wonderful things, they’re so beautiful I write most of them down... just to have.”

“Do you have a fear of loosing your memories?”

“What? I’m not 80.”

“I know... but you write in all your books, you write down what I say... you have a journal... I don’t know.”

“I just feel like I’m constantly holding onto a memory that’s leaving.”

“That’s why you need to be in the present.”

“I know mindfulness and shit. I feel present right now. But I’m also very... not present.”

“I think you’re more in your body than you think.”

“Prove it.”

I wasn’t ready for how quickly Oliver flipped me over. Once Oliver’s hands were on my hips and his lips were on my neck I didn’t worry about memories. I didn’t worry about the past. I wasn’t thinking about books or philosophers or Rome. Oliver. Oliver. Oliver. He consumed my entire consciousness but I was still alone. In the way that only I knew what he was doing to my body, mind, and spirit. I could only let one sound or word escape my soul at this realization and change of perspective. 

“Elio.”

The word was a sentiment and I had a strong urge, in my inebriated state, to whisper another quote to explain my emotions. 

“I have had an unpleasant feeling, such as one has in a dream, that I myself do not exist.”

Oliver stopped immediately and brought his blood shot eyes to mine. 

“This is real.”

“How do you know?”

“I don’t.”

Before either one of us could speak we fell into the other, through the other, because of the other. That’s all we were, the other; alone in one body.


	43. His Worry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys’ so much for the comments, I love reading them. In this chapter the first portion is Elio writing in his journal. Hopefully I’ll update the next chapter quicker than this one haha. Enjoy!

11/17/83

It’s Oliver’s birthday today even though it’s 2 in the morning. I haven’t been able to sleep because of how excited I am. I’ve never been so excited to share a day of life and progress with someone, which is overwhelming. My dad found an old Victorian typewriter in pristine condition and I also have the tickets to go to Rome for Christmas. I’m nervous because a lot has been going on and I don’t want to ruin Oliver’s birthday. I know he doesn’t think any anxiety episode or recurring dream could put a damper on his day... but I would still feel like shit. For some reason knowing I can’t panic makes me feel uneasy. Especially because things haven’t been great. The rain has been unforgiving the past two weeks which has repeatedly set my teeth on edge. Oliver hasn’t been able to get to work so he’s been doing it from home. And Bubba had to cancel her trip because of the storm. I was disappointed because I wanted to see her but she rescheduled for the New Year. But back to Oliver... unfortunately with Oliver being home so frequently he’s started to notice my struggles that I was able to hide while he was gone. I am still having nightmares almost every night. I am still throwing up occasionally. I am regularly scratching and ripping the the skin off my fingers and now picking my eyebrows. Once Oliver noticed these behaviors on our third rained in day he suggested another sexual break. I wanted to cry when he told me that I needed to take care of myself first. I wanted to say, “But Oliver I don’t know how.” I hated that sex was something that was so effected in our relationship. I hated that he was constantly making sure I was ok when he had his own issues. I hated that we still hadn’t REALLY talked about his childhood because he still thinks I’m too frail. I hate the medication. I either feel drowsy and dissociated or anxious and nauseous. So I haven’t been taking it which I’m beginning to realize is irresponsible. Should I feel calm and dazed or alert and anxious. Have those become my options? I shouldn’t be so pessimistic. There have been some incredible days and I’m very excited about Rome. I guess I’m just disappointed about how much I’m struggling... still. I’ll write at lunch. 

*

When I turned around I saw Oliver sprawled on his stomach, breathing deeply. I placed the chair I was sitting in next to the bed and stroked his hair tenderly. After a few moments of basking in Oliver’s unconscious beauty I moved to lie next to him. I didn’t touch him because I didn’t want to wake him. So instead I also laid on my stomach and turned my head to the opposite side. I kept telling myself to sleep so I would have enough energy to abstain from my OCD behaviors, fear, and depressing commentary. The thought of doing all that flawlessly for Oliver sent me into a sleep coma. 

Was a knife inside me? I heard the monotonous sound of skin slapping against skin and realized it was someone’s body doing this to me. I opened my eyes reluctantly and saw their faces. Four. If there’s four... who is behind me? I felt a hand wrap around my neck and a hot breath on my ear. 

“This is quite a present.”

I couldn’t move. I stopped struggling. I stopped breathing. It was Oliver. He grabbed my hips violently and snapped them forward in a way that made my knees collapse. He caught me with ease which made my stomach grumble with disgust. Why was I so small? I could feel both of his hands completely envelop my pelvis. Why was I so helpless? 

“You’re made for this you know.”

I knew by the pitch that it was Oliver’s voice but the words startled me. Was my body this small and defenseless for this purpose? Was my face just sculpted for cum and sweat to fall upon it? I felt my surrender was near. I was allowing his abuse and even succumbing to it. The pain was flowing like glue through my body. It would get stuck in a location then send a cramping or stinging sensation elsewhere. Suddenly I felt him flip me over so we were face to face. His eyes were blown with lust and anger. The moment my eyes met his I felt my migraine peak. My temples started to throb and all I could do was groan. 

“My dick too good for you baby?”

I knew I started bleeding when the last one penetrated me which was probably how he was moving in and out of me so quickly. 

“Look at me.”

Why? Why did he want my eyes. He had everything else but I couldn’t give him my soul. I couldn’t open the only windows I had to my true pain. 

“Hey Elio! Look at me! Look at me!”

“No! Let go of me! Get away!”

I tried to run. The moment I was standing I noticed my feet were on wood floors and not grass. What? Then I noticed my body was not in physical pain. I looked down to see no bruises, only scars. Then I saw Oliver’s eyes. His soul. His true self. Not the person that tormented me. The man who talked to me about books, philosophers, geography, family, sex, existentialism, religion, love, and passion was here. In this room. Our room. My room. Oliver got up comically slowly as if I was a tiger that could bite his head off. 

“Can I touch you?”

My instant answer was yes but when I felt his body step into my space I took a step back. 

“Did you dream about me hurting you again?”

Oliver looked calm and collected which made me feel slightly better. I nodded and let my head hang toward the ground while my tears skipped down my cheeks onto my feet. I knew I was trembling but I couldn’t quiet my limbs. 

“Why am I not getting better?”

“You are... you really are... I think some of these things just take time...”

“What! Having night terrors about my boyfriend raping me! When does that go away?”

“Tell me what to do Elio. I don’t know how to help you right now.”

“I don’t know. I’m going for a walk.”

“No you’re not it’s 4 in the morning.”

Oliver grabbed my arm and I actually yelped at the mild sensation. My chest was heaving so rapidly I knew it was visible. 

“If you love me you’ll let me go.”

Oliver instantly let go of my bicep and I sprinted down the stairs. Luckily it wasn’t raining when I got outside. Without a thought I started to run. I didn’t want to ever stop. I wanted to escape from everyone and everything. The emotional and psychological pain was something that I couldn’t handle anymore. I was constantly exhausted and petrified. Even the good days left me feeling only slightly less suicidal. I knew it appeared I was getting better and maybe in some ways I was but other things were staying the same. This uneven heart tremor, the trembling in my hands, and my overactive tear ducts we’re making me a living tragedy. Oliver didn’t deserve this. Even when we talked about normal things or had a normal day it was always short lived with some “Is Elio ok?” conversation. Maybe the answer was to live alone. To move to New York and suffer privately so I wouldn’t hurt the ones I loved. I only stopped running when I couldn’t catch my breath. I collapsed on the ground and began sobbing. The eerie silence surrounded me like a cold skeleton hand. My entire body shivered as I tried to stand. I couldn’t move. I was paralyzed where I stood. I felt my tears continue to fall and my bones shake but nothing else wavered. Sheer panic pulsed through me as I contemplated why I couldn’t move. 

“Elio!”

I heard Oliver yell my name and I tried to speak but nothing came out. I heard my name 4 more times but still couldn’t speak. Is this what the story meant. To speak or to die? Would I let Oliver save me? Could he even find me if he tried? Or could no one. Then I heard it. 

“Oliver!”

“Oliver!”

“Oliver! Please!”

“Over here!”

I finally screamed. I screamed so loud once I heard his name and mine a third time. My body was so numb I couldn’t feel my own skin. You can touch me. Hold me. Love me. Never let me go. 

“Elio!”

The moment I said my name I saw a tall figure in the distance. He ran towards me and pressed my body firmly against his. We both fell to the ground as I shook in his arms. 

“I’m so sorry... please forgive me... I don’t know what is wrong with me. I’m ill. I’m sick...”

“Shhhh... I’ve got you.”

Oliver knew just how to hold me and caress me to make me relax. 

“And it’s your birthday... Oliver I’m so sorry.”

“No none of that. You know I don’t give a shit.”

Oliver connected his tear filled eyes with mine and brushed every strand of hair out of my face before pressing various delicate kisses on my pores. I whimpered at his care and let me head fall back into his hand. Once I felt how his hand could encompass my entire skull I pulled back in fear. 

“Talk to me.”

“You’re so big. It scares me. Your body scares me.”

I spoke quickly with my eyes cast down out of embarrassment. I was so embarrassed that his body made me this nervous at times. 

“Not all the time. Just sometimes...”

“Do you want to hold me instead?”

“Yes.”

I opened my arms wide and brought Oliver’s chest to mine. Oliver nuzzled his head in my neck and made himself into a ball. He appeared smaller and more submissive in this position. How did he know how to calm me down with body language? Why did I ever doubt our understanding for one another? I massaged his shoulders so my hands would stop shaking then pulled his chin up to my lips. 

“Oliver. Please look at me.”

Even though the phrase was the same as in my dream... his name, his voice, and the situation made me obey him immediately. 

“I will never lay a hand on you if you don’t want me to. I will never do anything to harm you intentionally. I will do my very best for the rest of my life to protect you. You’re everything to me angel. Always remember that.”

I let my forehead fall on his while I spoke my name into his mouth while I continued to cry. 

“I hate how dramatic I am.”

“You’re not dramatic you were scared... petrified.”

“Did I look petrified?”

“I’ve honestly never seen you look so scared.”

Oliver had seen it all and the fact that he was this concerned made me feel worried. 

“Can I carry you home?”

I smiled and nodded at him while I inhaled a shaky breath. He scooped me in his arms with ease as I rested my head over his heart. 

“You’re heart is beating really fast.”

“Because it’s yours.”

“What?”

“Didn’t you say that’s what you wanted... during our first night together?”

“You shouldn’t be giving me things on your birthday.”

“It was yours long before today.”

“When?”

“When we swam in the ocean together... that night.”

“Really... why?”

“You screamed my name and I just knew...”

“That’s very cheesy.”

“Sorry to inconvenience you with romance.”

Oliver opened the door quietly then walked me up to our room. Once he placed me on the bed he discarded his shirt then instantly covered himself. 

“Sorry... are you ok if I...”

“No you’re ok. That’s why I don’t tell you about my dreams I don’t want you to act differently.”

“Elio about an hour ago you ran away because I touched your arm.”

I pursed my lips together knowing he was right. 

“Why am I having these dreams about you?”

“I don’t know. But I don’t think you should judge yourself because of it.”

I crossed my arms over my chest and hugged my torso inward. 

“I’m so broken... I think I want to go to New York alone. You shouldn’t have to be forced to see me like this anymore.”

“What? What are you talking about? Elio we talked about this. You pulling away isn’t the answer. We’re getting through this. It’ll all be ok.”

“No it won’t! This is forever! I’m going to be fucked up forever! You’re trying to be the incredible person that you are and pick up the pieces but I’m shattered Oliver! You can’t put me back together... no one can.”

“Is that why you said that thing to me about not existing... Do you wish you...”

“Yes.”

Oliver nodded sharply then combed his hair out of his face roughly. 

“Ok. We’re going to the hospital.”

“What the fuck! No! It’s... it’s your birthday.”

“What fucking planet are you on! You said you don’t even want to be with me then you say you don’t want to leave because it’s my birthday... I can’t... I can’t do this, like this, anymore. And before you say some bullshit about how that’s ok and I should leave... that’s not what I’m talking about. I can’t handle you pulling away from me when you’re in crisis. It’s terrifying and is literally causing me to sprout grey hairs. All I want to do is take care of you. Stop thinking you’re an inconvenience. And stop thinking that you can’t tell me things... like.... that my body makes you nervous. Elio, after everything I want you to tell me anything. If you told me you never wanted to have sex again I would be completely ok with that because... fuck... I just love you so much and I can’t see you this suppressed anymore.”

“Suppressed?”

“You’re trying to look out for me by not exposing what is happening to you. I want details. I don’t want, “I’m fine.” I want truth. You’ve gotten much better and we have been making real progress but to me there is no middle ground of honesty. I’m here for you... through everything.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You already are.”

I winced at Oliver’s honesty and realized as per usual, he was right.

“What would you like to know?”

“How often do you want to die?”

“Everyday... but most days you give me a reason to live. I’m not keeping myself alive necessarily because of you... you’re just too entertaining.”

“Don’t hide underneath comedy. Are you still forcing yourself to throw up?”

There was a long pause. I was, but rarely. I really didn’t want my parents to know but I couldn’t lie. Not to Oliver. 

“Yes. Not a lot though.”

“Are you scratching when you’re awake? I’ve noticed you’re doing your inner thighs so your parents don’t see.”

I didn’t speak I only nodded yes.

“How do you feel on the medication?”

“Drowsy... and not alert I haven’t taken it in a month.”

“That makes me... very upset. I know you’re fragile right now and I’m not going to raise my voice but... you need. God Elio. You need medication right now and if it’s not working there are other things. Tell Marzia on Monday and Maureen.”

“Ok.”

The shaking had returned and I tried to hold my hands together so Oliver wouldn’t notice. 

“Do you want to tell me some details about that night? You never have.”

“No I don’t.”

“Well then can I share some things with you?”

I pulled Oliver down so we were both sitting across from each other on the bed. He took my hands in his and started to rub my tremors out. 

“My dad touched me for the first time when I was 6. My mom was picking up my older brother from school and I was in my room. He told me that it was normal but that mom wouldn’t understand. I couldn’t breath. I tried to think about something else. He continued to come to my room until I was 14 and hit puberty. He beat me often. Usually about grades but once because I kissed a boy on the cheek at the Park. He broke my arm that day. My mom told everyone it was because I fell off of a swing. Elio, I know what it’s like to be trapped... in a body, in a situation, in depression. I know.”

I was speechless. My emotions were so vivid I could feel my organs jostling with my uneven gasps. 

“But... I’m more healed now. I feel emotionally healthy for the first time in... I don’t know. It happened a long time ago and I’ve been making a lot of progress in therapy. It’s been hard and painful but very cathartic. You were abused much more recently... your physical body is barley even healed. You’re too hard on yourself. I know that part of it is you being a perfectionist but with this... your health and your life... just go easier on your progress and don’t self sabotage your goals.”

I laughed at his final statement knowing full well I had a slight streak of self pity in difficult situations. 

“Thank you. I’m sorry. I’m not as coherent as I wish I was but I’m always here for you too.”

“I know. Do you want me to hold you?”

“Yes please. I’m sorry... I know you don’t want me to say that but I am. I shouldn’t have ran.”

“We all make mistakes don’t worry. You worry to much.”

Oliver’s vocal serenade and message reassured me. I folded my body completely into his and inhaled his true scent. 

“No matter what happens when you’re asleep I’ll be here when you wake.”

“Thank you. I know I’m struggling and some days are miserable and some are completely normal. I’m sorry for the inconsistency. I hope you’re not going too crazy.”

“I just worry... almost as much as you.”

I looked at Oliver and let my eyes fall openly on his. He rubbed his palm around my chest and stomach which caused me to hum quietly. Just as I was starting to close my eyes from the sheer emotional hangover I heard Oliver’s voice and felt his lips on my neck. 

“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own."

“So is that your answer? Your favorite scholar? Heinlein?”

“No. I mean he writes Science Fiction so I don’t really know if he counts anyway.”

“Time Enough For Love is one of my favorite books.”

“Are there notes?”

“You know there are.”

“Are you happy?”

“Are you?”

“I don’t believe that happiness is a constant state of being but more of a fleeting feeling... but right now, Yes. I’m very happy.”

“Me too. Oliver?”

“Yes, love?”

“Happy birthday.”


	44. His Faith

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are arriving at the end of this story so please let me know if anyone has suggestions for the next one! Comments, Kudos, and ideas are always appreciated. Thanks! Enjoy♥️

The sun was beginning to rise and unfortunately I wasn’t able to fall asleep since Oliver brought me home. I shifted slightly in his arms so I could rest my head in the crook of his neck. I was still slightly trembling even though I knew it had been at least three hours. I also knew Oliver hadn’t fallen asleep because he was still rubbing my back. 

“It’s been awhile and you’re still shaking...”

“I’m ok.”

As I said the words my heart pumped unevenly while I grasped onto his shoulders.

“Is there anything I can do. You’re not doing well. We can go to the hospital in a little bit.”

“No. I’m going to go the bathroom.”

Oliver held onto my back tighter and combed my hair back.

“Are you going to throw up?”

That’s exactly what I was going to do but I didn’t have the heart to speak the words. I made eye contact with him and told him my intentions with my eyes. 

“If you feel the need to expel something from your body you can cry. You don’t need to hold back.”

I considered his suggestion but before I could continue speaking he continued.

“I can help you if you want. I can walk you through something...”

“Like a meditation?”

“Kind of, yah.”

“Ok. Anything.”

“First inhale the room. Really get a feeling of where you are and the history of the space. What energy is surrounding you externally and how are you feeling internally? Do they match? Inhale for five seconds... hold... exhale your tremors into my hands. Just feel my hands on your body, try to imagine the love I have for you being transferred from my hands to your heart. You’re grounded. You are no where but right here in your bed with me. You have no where to go and you have no where to be. Your only responsibility is to accept the love, acceptance, and help I have to give you. Now, right now without judging yourself think about what emotions dominate your mind? 

I let my body lay limp against Oliver’s soothing presence while I breathed deeply. 

“I’m scared. I’m always so scared.”

“What scares you specifically?”

“Men...”

“Do I scare you Elio?”

“No. Men never scared me before I went through what I went through.”

“It’s hard to go out of the house, it’s difficult to eat, it’s almost impossible to sleep... I just feel so exhausted and terrified all the time. I’m also so small... I’m really insecure about how defenseless I look.”

“We’re all defenseless to certain things.”

“What about you?”

“Me? Toxic masculinity maybe... the thought that I have to behave a certain way and love a certain gender to be seen as a man. You don’t have to look a certain way to be respected Elio.”

“I don’t understand how you can be attracted to me when I’m this skinny.”

“I don’t want to fetishize you because you know I love you for everything you are inside but... I love your size and figure. I noticed your allure the first time I saw you. Our first night together... every time I touched you your body seemed too good to be true. I love how your hipbones fit perfectly in my palms. I love how delicate your neck is and how sensitive your blood vessels are. I love the soft supple skin on your inner thighs where I can feel your pulse. Which is one place that you’ve been tearing into with your nails. I love your petite round belly that always rises with goosebumps when I touch it. Your poor stomach... that you’ve been forcing trauma on by vomiting. I love your gorgeous thick black hair even when you pulled it out strand by strand in the hospital. I love your jaw even when you grimace fiercely from grinding your teeth. I love your eyes even when they’re filled with tears...”

By this point my eyes were indeed covered in liquid. I felt so overwhelmed with unconditional love that I actually whimpered into my hand as I started to sob. 

“There you go... cry, it’s ok.”

I didn’t cry without reservation unless I was alone. There was something very liberating about grossly slobbering and sobbing in front of Oliver. He gave me his words and I offered him my emotions. 

“You’re struggling and some things you may feel like are forever... and some struggles may be. But it’s only been a few months. Think how much better you’ll be in a year, then two, then five. Even just now you wanted to throw up but you listened to me speak instead and now you look somewhat calm. Are you nauseous?”

“No. My head just hurts from crying.”

“Let me close the blinds then. If you have a headache now the sun is not going to help.”

Oliver stood slowly and closed both curtains. When he returned he sat next to me instead of lying down. He settled my knee on his thigh and began rubbing my lower back. 

“Can I give you your present?”

“Shouldn’t we wait until lunch with you parents?

“Well they know what it is.”

Oliver laughed then coughed lightly from the dry air. 

“Fuck it’s freezing. Let me get more blankets.”

When Oliver left to get more blankets I muscled the type writer from underneath the bed. When Oliver returned he dropped two more blankets on top of me and kissed my forehead. I leaned into the contact and slumped my shoulders. 

“It’s on the ground. I couldn’t lift it.”

Oliver kneeled on the floor and slowly unloosed the blue ribbon and paper. The moment the wrapping fell away Oliver opened his mouth and sucked in a shallow breath. 

“If you don’t like it we can find another one... I just thought it looked like you but...”

Before I could continue Oliver wrapped both his hands around my neck and kissed me passionately. It was quick, wet, and full of gratitude. I smiled against his lips as a giggle vibrated deep in my throat. 

“I love it.”

“I thought with this it would be easier for you to write your book.”

Oliver was lightly running his hands up and down the mahogany texture as he smiled at me genuinely. I couldn’t help but notice how large his hands looked against the wooden typewriter. As I began to lower my feet to the ground my toes crossed over each other and began to cramp furiously. 

“Fuck.”

“Elio! What...”

“Foot cramp.”

Oliver pushed my torso back quickly and grabbed my foot with haste. He pulled my toes away from each other and cracked my joints with ease. I sighed into the release as he caressed my star with his other hand. We both began to laugh quietly as I reached for his star to run it through my fingertips. I broke our relaxed silence while I yawned obnoxiously. 

“I don’t think I actually believe in god.”

“I would have to agree with you.”

“Why do you wear it then?”

“Why do you?”

“Well I just think it’s an overall very dumb concept. I’ve never told anyone that because I don’t want to seem like a pretentious know it all but I think that’s kind of the point of not being religious. The fact that I don’t know and no one actually does they just have faith. I had faith that day when I was getting pulled apart. It didn’t save me... god didn’t come for me... you did.”

“Then why do you wear it?”

“I didn’t for a long time but I started when I met you because it was something we had in common and it made me think of you. And now I wear it because it survived the ordeal just like so many of my family... our families did. I wear it more for the concept of history, heritage, and tradition.”

“So why did you live that day?”

“Why was I raped? We can ask rhetorical questions all day but the truth is tragic things happen...no one knows why. Why did some people die in the holocaust? Why did your dad abuse you? Why do people believe gays should burn because of a book that was written thousands of years ago?”

“A professor once told me that if we all thought of ourselves as our own God we would be much more motivated and less reliant on faith.”

“Do you have faith?”

“Of course. But not in religion. I have faith in people though, but not many. Faith is for more idealistic people. I consider myself to be a realist and even a pessimist at times. I just don’t understand how someone can believe so blindly.”

“Love is blind.”

“No I don’t think it is. Not real love. You just explained all the ways you see me for my beauty and my pain. And I understand your point of view because I’ve never felt like I could see someone as purely as I see you right now.”

“What do you see?”

“The most wonderful person I’ve ever met staring into my eyes and if I really look I can see my own reflection in your pupils.”

“Oliver.”

“Elio.”

*

I finally was able to fall asleep peacefully after Oliver and I shared a few quiet hours in silence and speech. We showered together and kissed lazily until the water pressure wavered. My mood could change quickly and nothing was more random than my sexual arousal and comfort. Even though a few hours ago Oliver touching my arm sent me into a fear frenzy his gentle caress of my hip was currently driving me mad. 

“I want you.”

Oliver looked into my eyes so intensely I couldn’t pull my gaze away even though my skin began to blush. 

“You can have me. However you want.”

I lowered my line of sight to his lips then back to his eyes. He brought his hand up to my lips and parted them lightly. I was pliant in his hands instantly. I let him wrap his arms around my body as he traced every freckle, bruise, bump, and blemish on my body. After a few minutes the combination of the water and Oliver’s touch was unbearable. I dropped to my knees once I felt I couldn’t stand. I didn’t know if I was ready for Oliver to really touch me and I knew how much he enjoyed my mouth. After all it was his birthday and I had another present in mind. 

“Elio, you don’t have to... come here.”

Oliver attempted to lift me back up to his height before I pressed his abdomen against the shower and licked him teasingly. 

“Fuck...”

I teased him for longer than necessary before swallowing him and massaging my tongue against all of his most sensitive spots. Oliver’s reluctance to touch my head or hair did not go unnoticed. In this situation I appreciated that he was just letting me do what I wanted while he basked in my talent. He rubbed my jaw softly as my eyes lifted up to his suggestively. 

“You’re the most beautiful human...”

Oliver was starting to babble and it was getting me past the point of turned on. I tentatively started to stroke myself as I took Oliver deeper into my mouth. In the correct circumstances I loved gagging on Oliver. It made me feel used in a way that brought me a sense of fulfillment I couldn’t explain. I moaned around him as I began to cum on the shower floor. The moment I deep throated Oliver while I groaned, I felt his seed spill on the back of my tongue. I opened my mouth wide so he could convulse periodically before I lapped at his sensitivity. Oliver’s entire body was spasming in a way I had never seen before. When I was inside of him it was more of a quiet shiver. This was a full blown seizure. 

“You ok?”

Oliver gasped for breath before bringing me up to his level. 

“God I love you.”

Oliver’s slurred speech and dopey smile made me feel more complete then I thought I could ever feel with another person. I had always been very private and I was starting to really share personal opinions, behaviors, and sexual acts that I had never done before. I hoped that Oliver would be my first and last. My only. 

“We should go down for lunch.”

“I already ate.”

Oliver smirked at me sarcastically then hugged me to his chest. I let my hands feel his shoulder blades shift and ripple as he breathed until I turned the water off. 

“Oliver! Phone call for you!”

I heard my mothers caring voice ring through the house. Once I registered all the possibilities of who would be calling Oliver on his birthday, the options were large. It could be someone he would love to talk to or someone that could ruin his entire day with one word. I tried to read Oliver to see how he was reacting. He appeared to be relaxed with a layer of defensiveness about him. I instantly felt insecure and self conscious. 

“I’m gonna go get that? You ok?”

“Yah. Hey... I’m here, no matter who is on the phone.”

Without a word Oliver lifted me in his arms and held me to him as he inhaled my scent and kissed my lips. 

“Thank you angel.”

Oliver discarded me on the bed slowly then dressed. 

“I need to sleep but you can wake me up if you need to.”

“Ok. I’ll be right back. Don’t let your mind get ahead of you while I’m gone.”

“No promises.”

As I heard Oliver’s feet thud on the stairs I prayed to a God I didn’t believe in that the person on the other end of the phone line didn’t have negative intentions.


	45. His Birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys’ so much for all the suggestions! Keep them coming! Only a few chapters left. Enjoy ♥️

I felt a hand snake underneath my shirt. I knew it was Oliver. I let him begin to rub my skin in circles while I sighed contently. I opened my eyes leisurely expecting Oliver to be smiling down at me. His entire face was slightly bloated from crying. The blues of his eyes were smeared with tears and his eyelids were squinting uncomfortably. 

“Hey... what’s going on?”

The moment I spoke Oliver moved his arms underneath my back and placed my body against his lightly. Once his entire body swallowed my lithe bones he squeezed me tightly. 

“Oliver who was on the phone?”

I felt him shake his head on my shoulder. I knew that meant he wasn’t ready to talk. I scooted back on the bed so he had room to lay in my lap. Once I positioned him comfortably I started tracing his spine with my fingertips. I felt him smile on my thigh as he continued to let his tears soak into my leg hair. 

“You don’t have to talk it’s ok... just breath, like you always tell me.”

I was concerned for Oliver. He let some tears fall in extreme situations but really wasn’t very sensitive otherwise, that was my department. I knew whoever was on the phone or what they said got to him. He wasn’t angry and he didn’t seem scared. He seemed... hurt. Our relationship included both of us caring for the other but I had never coached him through a meltdown before. I was surprisingly not feeling anxious, myself. The moment I saw his statuesque jaw line quiver all I wanted to do was hold him. I usually wished for Oliver to help me or hold me. Something roused deep inside me when I saw his scrunched pained expression. I’ll hold him here on this bed for the rest of my life if it helps him just a little bit. I took my shirt off slowly then used it to wipe his tears gently from his cheeks. I then started to run my fingers through his blonde hair. I noticed then that his hair was much more dirty blonde in the winter. I smiled knowing I wouldn’t have known that if he left. 

“No matter what happened I’m here. You don’t need to talk I just want you to know that.”

I felt Oliver nod on my hip before wrapping his forearms behind my back. 

“It’s your birthday Oliver. You can do whatever you want today. You can lay in my lap and I can rub your back all day. You can sleep.”

I felt him nod against my hip again. I was surprised he still hadn’t talked to me but I didn’t want to pressure him. 

“Elio? Do you ever feel responsible for something you logically know isn’t your fault.”

“Everyday.”

That’s the only words I got from him until he started to fall asleep in my arms. I settled his torso more comfortably against me and continued to stroke his skin and scalp. Once I knew he was sleeping soundly I let a few tears escape my eyes. Poor Oliver. He didn’t deserve any of this. It was his birthday in a foreign country. He didn’t have any childhood friends here. He had to deal with me having a breakdown because I had a dream he raped me and now this phone call. I kissed his temple lightly before leaning my skull back on the headboard. I decided that no matter what I would make this day better for him. I had something planned for later but now I didn’t know what he wanted to do. I didn’t know how exactly to make him feel better but I knew I needed to try. 

“Elio are you awake?”

“Yes.”

“It was my mom... my dad died.”

“Today?”

“No... a week ago but she called today.”

“On your birthday?”

“Yah... I guess.”

“Do you want to talk about anything.”

“I don’t know. I don’t know anymore.”

“What?”

“I hated him. I’m glad he’s dead and that makes me feel awful. I feel crazy.”

“No no that makes sense, it does. You’re allowed to feel however you want. This is your grieving process... or lack thereof.”

Oliver slowly lifted himself from my thighs and yawned. He hadn’t looked this exhausted since the first few nights I was in the hospital. 

“Wanna go for a walk.”

“Of course.”

I was glad Oliver didn’t seem incapacitated. Selfishly I always loved walking with him because I looked forward to holding his hand. I dressed silently then put my hand inside Oliver’s. He smiled at me painfully then kissed my palm. I returned the loving sorrow with my glance. Once we were downstairs my mom hugged Oliver and told him that the entire family was here if he needed anything. 

“Where’s dad?”

“Helping Anchise build a boat... or something like that, I never know. Where are you both going?”

“Just for a walk we’ll be back soon.”

“Rimanga sicuro!”

I yelled back to my mother that I loved her then wandered into the gloomy November day. 

“At least it’s not raining.”

“Yah.”

We walked down the trail toward the beach in comfortable silence. Once we reached the beach Oliver put down the blanket I hadn’t realized he was holding. He sat first then I dramatically flopped in his arms. 

“I have another present for you.”

“You goose... your presence is my present.”

“That’s very romantic but no. Here.”

I took out the tickets from my back pocket and handed them to Oliver. 

“Rome. That’s great. We’re going to have a great time. I couldn’t think of a better place and person to spend the holidays with.”

“Well I wanted Ireland but I couldn’t convince my parents.”

“I’m sure.”

“How did he die?”

Oliver looked at me with question. I felt foolish the moment the inquisition escaped my lips. How dumb was I? The tone was light and now I had shifted it. 

“Heart attack.”

Once he answered my question somewhat easily I decided to ask another.

“Was he old?”

“52.”

“Would you like to come to the support group with me tomorrow?”

Oliver focused his attention on the sand falling through his fingers as he inhaled a breath. 

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea. I want you to be able to talk about me or us and not have to worry about me being there.”

“No I really don’t. I mean I love you don’t get me wrong but I rarely talk about you and anything I say I wouldn’t mind if you were there.”

“I think Joey would be a little sad not having you all to himself.”

“I can’t not bring my boyfriend around because my best friend likes me.”

“I know. I just don’t want to hurt him... he’s very sweet and honestly I understand where he’s coming from.”

“What?”

“Falling in love with you.”

“I don’t think Joey has had the same experience as you.”

“You’re right it’s been harder for him because he doesn’t get to call you his.”

“But you do.”

“Yes I do.”

“Your compassion makes me light headed.”

“Oh please... coming from the kindest person I’ve ever met.”

“I’m really not... I’m kind of a brat.”

“You pretend to be but you’re not though. You’re just angsty.”

“The teen woes.”

“We do not want to be told what we know. We do not want to call things by their names.”

“Does Eugene remind you of me?”

“God damn it when am I gonna quote a book that you haven’t read! But to answer your question yes in a way. He’s extremely intelligent and humorous around others but is overtly sensitive underneath. He is strong willed but self reflective. The difference is I don’t think he ever really knows where home is...”

“And I do?”

“Do you?”

“I think so.”

“Italy I assume? Or France?”

“In the hospital you told me home feels like wherever you’re with me.”

“Yes.”

“Me too, with you.”

I couldn’t waste the opportunity to kiss Oliver after I spoke. I felt his love and pain in his warm mouth. I inhaled a breath through his lips and moaned at the connection. 

“I’ll never get tired of kissing you.”

Now it was my turn to be at a loss for words. 

“It’s pretty cold do you want to head back.”

“Let me shake out the blanket so I can wrap it around you.”

The wind was starting to whisk through the landscape and I felt my ears chill. Oliver wrapped me hastily in the blanket then placed his arm around me while we walked.

“Are you going to the funeral?”

“My mom said I’m not allowed... not that I would have gone anyway.”

“Are you brothers going?”

“I’m sure.”

“Can I meet your brothers one day?”

“Of course. Tim lives in New York so that’s easy. But Alex lives in California so that’s a little harder.”

“Where in California?”

“San Francisco.”

“Fuck, we’re visiting Alex. Is he gay?”

“No there’s just a lot of tech companies out there so it’s for work. He’s very accepting though... or maybe he is who knows really.”

“I’m sorry I’ve been so wrapped up in all my stuff that I haven’t even managed to ask where your brothers live...”

“No please. Everything important you know.”

“Family is important.”

“Yes and no.”

“Why?”

“I think family is what you make it. I’m much closer to you then I’ve ever been with any family member. Is that not right?”

“No I guess not. I remember wishing in the hospital that you’d be my family.”

“I’m all yours.”

I laughed at Oliver’s layer of sarcasm over his honest proclamation. 

“Look homeward, angel.”

I laughed again at Oliver’s pun as he opened the door for me. I realized instantly the house was empty.

“Where are they off to?”

“I don’t know.”

I did know because I told everyone to leave by five so I could cook Oliver dinner and have the house to myself. 

“You made everyone leave didn’t you.”

“Maybe.”

I placed my hands on his chest and went on my tip toes to kiss him quickly before walking toward the kitchen. Mafalda had lit candles all over the house. My mom had already made appetizers and desert. I felt so grateful that the family that was my blood meant just as much to me as Oliver did. They were all my family, always. 

“Can I ask you a favor?”

I nodded while I started to make bread. 

“These appetizers and desert are enough. I love your cooking but I think we have enough food. Instead I was wondering if you could play for me.”

“Of course.”

I felt honored that Oliver’s only wish for the evening was to hear me play. I enjoyed playing the piano almost more than anything but I didn’t want to annoy people with my passion. The fact that Oliver enjoyed it made me want to play him a letter of love. A symphony of all my wishes for his happiness, success, and recovery. I put the dough in the oven, washed my hands, then walked over to the piano. 

“Any requests.”

“Surprise me.”

I decided on a piece I had written myself. Whenever I played for Oliver I never played my own pieces. Once I started to fly my fingers across the keys I exhaled at how it set my blood at ease. I don’t know how long I played but by the time I was done Oliver got up from the couch and started toward me. 

“Did you like...”

Before I could continue he wrapped my legs around his waist and hoisted me onto the piano. My giggles were short lived when I felt Oliver suck a part of my neck into his mouth. I let my head fall back as I moaned without fear of being heard. 

“Take whatever you want. I’m yours.”

“Are you sure?”

I just looked at him. I communicated all of my emotions to him with one look. He returned it with a smile. 

“You can go fast or slow...”

I knew he knew that I meant not only the way we have sex but how quickly it takes to get to that point. I could tell he wanted to rip my clothes off but didn’t want to scare me. 

“I’m not scared of you Oliver. I don’t want you to think I am because of my nightmares. You make me feel safe.”

“Please tell me anything at any point if you need to.”

I answered him by bringing his mouth to mine and biting lightly at his tongue. Before I could comprehend what was going on Oliver removed my clothes and his own. He spit into his hand, slicked his cock, then lined it up with my entrance. I was continuously squirming and making obscene noises. Everything was moving so fast and it thrilled me. Was Oliver actually going to fuck me on top of the piano? Then I felt him, every inch. I grasped onto his back and let a gasp escape my lips. He moved in me unbearably slow and after a few minutes of intense lovemaking I started to whimper. 

“More.”

Oliver responded by stroking me slowly while fucking into me at a pace we hadn’t attempted since my assault. I could feel my spine start to tingle. He slightly lifted my lower back up off the piano into his hands. The sensation caused my eyes to role back.

“Oh my god...”

“You ok?”

“Yes... feels so good.”

“I love you.”

My body had an acute sense of awareness to every touch, shift, and glance Oliver blessed me with. I was unraveling quickly and I began to have a difficult time keeping my eyes open. 

“I love you too... so much.”

Oliver slowed instantly and brought my chest flush against his. We were both streaked with sweat and on the verge of bursting. 

“Do you want me to do to you what you did to me?”

“What?”

“When you made me shake in the shower.”

“I don’t know if I can do that. You looked like you had a seizure.”

“May I try?”

“Try me.”

First Oliver started massaging my stomach, inner thighs, and chest while he started to pump into me brutally slow. I felt various beads of sweat fall down my forehead as I tried to participate. It was becoming more and more difficult to move against him as he increased his speed. 

“Just lay back angel it’s ok.”

I gasped at the contrast of my sweat streaked back on the cold piano. I could tell he found the angle that was making my cock twitch and once he did all I could do was hold onto his ribs and whine. Suddenly and without warning I felt my ass pulse rapidly against Oliver. It was sending electric signals up my spine and low in my belly but my cock didn’t cum.

“Fuck...”

My ass was so tight after orgasming that I slightly pushed Oliver out of my dripping hole. He responded by slowly thrusting himself back inside me. I was so sensitive that once he began again I felt it contact all over.

“Oliver... oh my...”

I had never reached this level of sensitivity in my entire life. Every single place he touched me I shuddered. Every ripple he pressed inside of me made me shake. 

“Too much...”

I could hardly speak but I needed to tell him that my body was starting to make me nervous. This was all too much and I had no control. 

“Let me take care of you... you’re ok.”

Olives voice was shockingly low. I nodded that I was ok with that. Just as I was starting to tingle all over again I felt my loins start to tighten. My balls were twitching while my cock was straining in conjunction with my prostate. Without the aid of Oliver’s hand I convulsed all over myself. At the same time my ass coxed all the cum Oliver expelled. He collapsed on top of me as we both struggled for breath. He brushed all my sticky curls off of my forehead then stared down at me. I opened my soul for him through my eye contact then brought my hand to rest on his cheek. My body was thrumming with various love and sex chemicals that were making it difficult to keep my eyes open. I rested my head back on the piano as I continued running my hands all over Oliver. After a few minutes of kissing lazily while we were still connected Oliver pulled out of me and lifted me back into his arms. He walked up the stairs to our bathroom and placed me against the shower wall. We cleaned each other the way we always do and exchanged dozens of smirks and smiles. 

“That’s the best sex I’ve ever had.”

“Well happy birthday. Oliver? What happened? I mean it’s like I came three times... how?”

“A prostate orgasm is different than a penile one. They can happen separately or at the same time. I think you had two prostate orgasms and then you had another one and came at the same time... unless you were faking.”

“I don’t think anyone could fake whatever that was.”

Oliver kissed both my cheeks then turned off the water. Once we were done we dressed in comfortable clothing and went back down stairs. 

“Wine?”

“Sure.”

I poured Oliver and I two glasses then proceeded to pick a Beethoven vinyl to play in the background. We discussed our trip to Rome, the support group, and Bubba’s visit. After an hour I was pleasantly buzzed and feeling hopelessly in love. My filter was almost non existent so I began to speak without reservation. 

“Thank you for sharing yourself with me.”

Oliver shifted slightly next to me before I saw a tear run down his cheek.

“Thank you for allowing me to.”

We kissed and passed wine between each other’s mouths until I heard my family burst through the door.


	46. His Words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story is slowly coming to an end but honestly it might not it might continue. Even I don’t know how this story is going to end quite yet or if it is going to end at chapter 50. Well see. As always, thanks for the comments and Kudos. Tell me what you think!

My parents burst through the door with no warning of their arrival. It was evident they were both pleasantly drunk. My mom was hanging leisurely on my dad’s arm while they laughed in sync. When they looked up from their bubble they saw Oliver and I laying on the couch. 

“You two look comfortable.”

My mom plopped herself in the middle of both of us. She looped her arm around Oliver and settled the other hand in my hair. I felt an intellectual conversation coming on. Fuck. I was too tired so I yawned before speaking. 

“What time is it?”

My dad yawned right after me before answering. 

“Around 1.”

“It’s not your birthday anymore.”

“Astute observation Elio, Thank you.”

They all started laughing but I silently glared at him for making fun of me. I knew he always meant to keep things light but every once in awhile his sarcasm stung.

“Off to bed both of you it’s time for the grown ups to continue drinking.”

My parents both began to laugh and continue chatting while we headed upstairs. Once we were in our room I began to undress and speak. 

“I hate when you make me feel... inferior.”

Oliver combed his hair back when I finished and looked at me in question. 

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“No. You’re not going to say something like that then not tell me how you’re feeling.”

“It’s just the way you talk sometimes it feels like you’re talking down to me. As if you’re reminding me of our roles or something. I’m the dumb young bottom. Right? I guess it’s ok to be reminded.”

Oliver stood from the bed with haste and floated toward me. He attempted to brush a piece of hair out of my face but I blocked his efforts and turned my head to the ground. 

“You know I don’t think that way about you... not even close. And... I thought you were the one that didn’t want to fuck me?”

“You’re not understanding what I’m saying.”

“Then what are you saying?”

“I don’t know. Maybe it’s just my own insecurities.”

“Like what?”

“That I’ll never be as good as you...”

“Elio...”

This time I allowed him to wrap his hands around my neck. I titled my head up to gaze at his expression as I breathed lightly. 

“You’re perfect. If I ever make you feel otherwise I’m sorry, it was not my intention.”

“I know.”

Oliver kissed my forehead delicately then moved us both to the bed. He swallowed my petite body in his embrace and started to speak against my ear.

“How was earlier do you want to talk about it?”

“It was amazing.”

“You got nervous though?”

“Yes I’m always nervous but my body usually just takes over. I was so stimulated that I got scared. I didn’t feel like I had any control.”

“You know you always do.”

“No.”

“What?”

“When you’re inside me you can move at a speed you want, tilt your hips the way you want, touch me where you want... I’m receiving so there’s not much choice.”

“Of course there is... you could say stop.”

“I know that. I’m just saying biologically I think the person penetrating someone else has the most control. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. The reason you were in control was why I came so hard. You just know how to get me to gasp and shake... I love it.”

“Do you still feel the same about being inside me?”

“Yes. I’m sorry, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do that again. The dream of you burning... it just... messed me up. I think I’m more suited to get fucked anyway.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

“Isn’t it. I can’t make love to my boyfriend?”

Oliver was silent for a moment while he continued to play with my hair.

“I love you, for everything that you are. If you aren’t versatile that’s fine.”

I nodded my head and let my drunken headspace fill me. 

“I’m very excited for Rome.”

“Me too. I can’t wait to take my little goose around the world.”

I felt my chest expand and my cheeks flush at his words. 

“I’m glad it’s winter cause I can wear turtle necks.”

After I spoke Oliver traced the scar on my neck with care.

“I hate it. It looks like I escaped a noose.”

Oliver and I both laughed at my dark humor then he swiped his tongue across the mark. I let my head tilt back so I could further expose my neck. 

“You’re so pretty.”

My body froze. My breathing stopped and I tried to open my mouth for air. The trembling started in my fingers and cascaded throughout my body. My skin began to crawl through my bones then melt into my blood. My vision blurred and I couldn’t see who was in front of me. Then I heard Oliver. 

“What’s going on? Elio... talk to me.”

Did he say something. Was this a dream? It must be a dream. Did he say that because he was going to rape me? 

“Get away!”

“Elio...”

My heart was heaving so rapidly that I put my hand over my chest to anchor myself to reality. 

“Can you get my mom?”

I couldn’t be with Oliver. My entire soul was rejecting his presence and I had no energy left to fight myself. Oliver flew down the stairs and only my mom returned. 

“Elly...”

“Mom?”

She closed the door behind her gently and brought me toward the bed.

“Get in.”

She tucked me in soothingly and sat next to me. She started rubbing my back in circles while she spoke softly. 

“What happened? Oliver looked terrified... almost as terrified as you.”

“He called me pretty and... and... he’s never called me that before, it scared me. That’s... that’s what they said to me, the men.”

“Oh sweetheart.”

My mom placed me against her chest and squeezed me delicately. I finally gave myself permission for my tears to flow. 

“Shhhhh... that’s it darling... it’s ok.”

I inhaled my mom’s scent of lavender and wine and thought about living without her and my father. Could I? What if this happened in Rome? What would I have done? 

“I’m scared mom. I’m pushing Oliver away. I’m probably exhausting him everyday. Why does he continuously put up with me?”

“Because he loves you and I don’t think you’re anywhere near as difficult as you think.”

“He called me pretty and my nervous system just... shut down...”

“That’s not being difficult Elio that’s just PTSD. These things take time.”

“It feels like I’ve been waiting for it to be gone... I’m slowly realizing it never goes away.”

“It can get better though... you can get better, you already are.”

“Can you stay in bed with me? I feel so sick.”

“Of course. Sleep.”

I let my head rest on her thigh as my breathing began to regulate. 

“Actually can you just go tell Oliver I’m ok first.”

“Of course.”

I started to feel my heart rate settle in my neck uncomfortably. Then all I could think about is how Oliver fixed that by kissing my neck. I need to prove to him that I can handle his presence. We were going to Rome in less than a month. I had to try to get better. 

“Actually mom can you just tell him to come up. I’m ok. I want to talk to him.”

She nodded then kept walking. I wiped my tears off my cheeks and waited with my hands in my lap. 

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

“You wanna tell me what just happened.”

“Yes come lay down.”

He laid down beside me without touching and just stared. He didn’t seem upset but he seemed obviously concerned. 

“They called me pretty... you’ve never called me that before and it... scared me.”

“Shit. I’m so sorry.”

“No. It’s my fault, you didn’t know. I didn’t even know I would react like that. I just think there’s a lot going on right now and I want.... sorry, I hate how much I cry I’m sorry....”

“It’s ok keep going.”

“I want you to know that I’m so sorry. For all of this. This is something I never intended I would have to deal with... I never thought I’d be the type of person to want to die everyday. And I’m trying, Oliver I’m trying so hard. And there is a quality about faking it that is important because a few times I have been happy. Really happy Oliver... you make me so infinitely happy in those moments. But... I’m just... not all there. I wish I was I do. I’m sorry... I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore.”

“Did your mom give you a pill?”

“No. She probably didn’t cause she knows I’m drunk... I don’t think they can be mixed or combined, it’s ok I’m fine I really am I’m ok.”

I had been staring at my hands as I bounced periodically on the bed from a sitting position. I couldn’t look at him. He was making me nervous in ways that made me question everything I wanted. 

“You don’t seem fine.”

“I’m fine... let’s just keep talking I’m ok. I need to handle myself I have to. We’re... we’re going to Rome and I can’t just do what I just did. I need to... fuck one second.”

I need to vomit. I had drank way too much. I hadn’t eaten enough. I had sex with Oliver. Oliver. Oliver’s dad died. The piano. I played that song... 

I felt my eyelids start to droop as profusely vomited in the toilet. My brain was flooded with so much. Words, phrases, voices... I knew no one was here. I knew that. But my memories were vivid. There were so many. So many great memories and terrible ones... I felt a hand scoop my hair above my neck. I subsided a shaken breath through my disoriented expression. 

“It’s ok...”

I didn’t know what Oliver was doing here because I was not about to stop vomiting. This felt strangely intimate. We had done a lot together... a lot more had happened to us than most couples. But for some reason doing something so cliche felt endearing. 

“Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it.”

“That’s a very American phrase.”

“Wow.”

“What.”

“Still managing to make fun of me.”

I giggled slightly before I released more wine and bread into the toilet. I could feel Oliver’s hand on my back and thumb on my arm. 

“We can sit here for however long you want it’s ok.”

“Yah can we?”

I fell back against the wall and wiped my mouth on some toilet paper before sinking to my knees. 

“This feels like when you cracked my feet for the first time.”

“That seems like so long ago.”

“Is that a good thing or...”

“No no it’s a good thing. It’s just strange that we seem to be closer than two people that have only spent 7 months together usually are.”

“It’s been a crazy seven months.”

I don’t know what came over me but I couldn’t stop laughing. 

“Yah. Elio? How are you feeling?”

“Let’s stop talking about how I’m feeling I’m so sick of everyone asking about me all the fucking time. I’m FINE.”

“Yah you’re the pinnacle of sanity.”

“I didn’t say I was sane I just said I’m fine.”

“Fuck... you’re pissing me off.”

“What!”

“Do you want help! Do you even want to get better?”

“Are you kidding me? Really? You’re going to say that to me?”

“You know what I’m talking about. You’re saying you’re fine after... whatever the fuck that was that we still haven’t talked about... and you’re not. Why don’t you just talk to me.”

“Well I’m vomiting right now but maybe later...”

Later. I couldn’t stop laughing. This was all so funny because I was crashing. I didn’t care anymore. 

“You’re such an ass.”

“Be nice you love my ass.”

I watched Oliver shake his head without a hint of humor on his face. 

“What? We fucked maybe two hours ago and I can’t say you love my ass... really?”

“No Elio I think my temperament more so has to do with the fact that you can comfortably objectify yourself and then I call you pretty out of endearment and I triggered a panic attack because you don’t talk to me and tell me your triggers. I think you need to stop...”

“Putting myself down. Yah I got it.”

“That’s not what I was going to say. I was going to say stop thinking that I’m going to think any less of you because of some of the effects this has had on you... like I’m going to leave you or not accept something.”

“I really wish you weren’t pouring your heart out when I’m this drunk.”

“Fuck... I’m going for a walk.”

“What... don’t we’re talking.”

“No. I was talking then you told me you didn’t process what I said cause you’re wasted.”

“That’s not what I... fuck my stomach hurts. Oliver can I say something really not on topic that I have to say.”

“That is the topic just talk to me... whatever you want to say.”

“I’m so tired and exhausted and sad and too many things and I need to go to bed. Can you help me do that... I’ll be better tomorrow I will I’ll listen better please remember everything you said.”

Oliver just looked at me. He saw me. He really saw me. I was vulnerable for so many reasons all the time with him. He felt my pain and he understood it. I thanked him for understanding in that moment without words. Then one came to mind.

“Elio. Elio I’m so sorry.”

“No. Don’t. We’ll see how much we both remember tomorrow.”

“Is it still your birthday?”

“No. Just a normal day.”

“Hopefully a better one. The piano sex though wow that was insane. Amazing...”

I yawned on Oliver’s shoulder as he carried me to the bed and tucked me under two blankets.

“There’s an empty bucket on the side and a towel and water bucket for your mouth. Don’t get vomit on the sheets.”

“Mhm.”

I snuggled right in between his shoulder and rib cage and tried to steady my inhalations.

“Can I touch you?”

“Yes... yes please.”

Oliver wrapped his arms around me and the moment I felt his breath on my neck my consciousness started to slip.


	47. His Care

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone for the lovely comments and Kudos. I always appreciate it. This story might be more than 50 chapters. I write all the time and pacing is not one of my strengths so it may be a few chapters over. I’m still reading and thinking about new prompts so share in the comments! Enjoy! I should update relatively soon.

I woke after an hour of uninterrupted sleep in Oliver’s arms. Many thoughts were invading my mind. Joey. How was Joey? How was the case going? I didn’t want details. I didn’t want to know. Did Oliver know details? How was Oliver feeling? I hope he had a good birthday. God, I’m so stupid. Of course he didn’t. He found out his dad died then he had to deal with me. Then he complemented me and I had an episode. I felt so unlucky. Why was this still happening to us? I wanted to be better. It hurt a lot that Oliver asked if I even wanted to get better. Did it seem like I didn’t care? Maybe I didn’t care for myself as much as I cared to admit. But I did for Oliver. So much, maybe too much. Too much in the sense that I don’t know if I could have done this without him. It’s stressful feeling like you can’t survive without someone. I didn’t need Oliver before but now I felt like I did. Was this unhealthy? What would a psychologist think? What do my parents think? What does Oliver think? Maybe we’re just normal. Sex. The sex was so good. My legs began to tingle at the thought of holding onto Oliver so I was tethered to something. The entire experience made me feel like I was floating in all the best ways. Why didn’t I feel that safe all the time. Moments of it startled me but for the most part it was a visceral lovely experience. I felt Oliver’s arm rub up my back to my neck and lightly massage my scalp. 

“How are you feeling?”

“Better.”

Lie.

“Good. We don’t have to leave for the holidays you know. It might be better to stay.”

“No no I’m fine. It’ll be fun.”

I hope I sounded convincing but the look on Oliver’s face gave away that I hadn’t. 

“I’m sure it will be if everything goes ok... and I don’t know if it will.”

“What?”

“I just mean... I don’t know if you’re ready.”

“I am. Of course I am.”

He looked at me intensely as if to intimidate the truth out of me. I cowered immediately and buried my face in his chest. I inhaled his scent deeply and tried not to cry. 

“I want a change of scenery. I don’t care if I freak out. I have episodes everywhere. The hospital, the coffee shop, my room, everywhere... Rome won’t be different.”

“That’s not very comforting.”

“I don’t take much comfort in anything anymore.”

Oliver looked at me strangely. In a way he never had before. As if he didn’t want to touch me. Was he annoyed? Disgusted? I felt insecure instantly but didn’t know what to say. He spoke before I could continue thinking. 

“It’s hard to be with someone that is in so much pain that they refuse to take comfort.”

“What do you mean take comfort?”

“You said you don’t take comfort in anything.... Then what have I been doing here? I’m here to help but if I’m not helping... fuck, maybe your family isn’t even really helping. Maybe you need more help... professional help. You’re not getting better. And I can’t... you’re so sad and now you’re not even trying to hide it. You told me you wanted to die just a few....”

I was quietly letting my tears flow but I assumed one had just started to stain his chest because he ceased speaking. 

“You’re helping. My family is helping. I’m getting better. It’s just slow and I have some set backs sometimes... I’m so grateful for you. I know I’m a burden.”

“No you’re not a burden but this trauma... is eating at you Elio, and I don’t know if it goes away. Maybe we’re all just expecting for something to happen that isn’t going to.”

When he said my name he ran his thumb over my jaw as I tilted into him, listening. 

“At least I’m literally eating.”

“See that’s something promising .”

“I guess it’s not good for trauma to happen to naturally pessimistic people.”

Oliver laughed genuinely and the sounded lifted my spirits greatly. 

“Or boys with abnormally fast metabolisms.” 

We both laughed louder and I gazed at Oliver as he tried to catch his breath. 

“I love listening to you laugh. I should try harder to always keep you laughing.”

“You make me laugh everyday, even in the hospital.”

“What should we do?”

“About what?”

“My problems... I just want to forget for a little bit. I just want Rome to be normal.”

“Well I think we should just keep taking it a day at a time... but I think you should see Marzia a little more frequently before we go. Maybe get something stronger for panic attacks so you have an out in case something happens. I’m not saying it will I just want you to feel good about going.”

“I will. I’ll schedule a few more appointments.”

“Also, I find out about Colombia tomorrow.”

“How did you not tell me that, how exciting.”

“I’m glad you’re going to Juilliard so I don’t have to worry about you being my student.”

“That would be hot. I’d want you to fuck me on your desk.”

I could feel Oliver’s pulse beat into my mouth as I spoke on his neck. He shivered silently when I breathed then he turned over so we were both facing each other. 

“I’d like that very much.”

“Tell me what you’d do to me.”

For some reason I felt energetic. Maybe it was my nap or the fact that my body was crashing from my spike of adrenaline from earlier. Now I was craving endorphins. Even if Oliver and I didn’t touch I wanted to feel his breath on my cheek and imagine the sensual images his vocal cords produced. 

“I’d ask you to stay after class cause I needed to talk to you about your paper...”

I lifted my eyes from his chest to his eyes slowly with intention. 

“Once everyone was gone I’d lift you on my desk and step in between your thighs. That would be the first place I’d touch you. You’d be wearing shorts like when we first met... I’d run my knuckles down your inner thighs just the way you like, that makes you squirm.”

I pushed my pelvis into his leg as he spoke and tried to steady my breathing. He wrapped his hand around the back of my head and began to press light open mouthed kisses on my neck.

“I’d kiss your neck slow. Just like this. You’d want me to kiss your lips and taste your tongue but I’d suck on your chest and hipbones instead. I’d take your cock in my mouth but I’d torture you. Your head would be limp to the side, exposing your neck and your mouth open. You’d be fully dressed but completely exposed. You’d beg me to cum because you wouldn’t be able to handle the intensity...”

I heard my throat vibrate as I exhaled. I began to rub myself as he continued.

“What would I say... when I begged.”

“Oh you’d be desperate. You would try not to look at me because you know I can tell how needy you are from your eyes... but your cock would be straining. The same way it is now.”

How did Oliver get me here so quickly. Even after everything he knew how to get me unnaturally pliant in his hands. 

“You’d say please... you’ll kill me if you stop.”

I repeated the words back to him with the most honest inflection I could. How we had managed to not kiss or touch was creating a tension that thrilled me.

“To keep you alive... I’d take your shorts off and lube my cock. I’d enter you as slowly as I say my name on your lips. Then I’d breath your name on your ear and you’d convulse from the sensation. Your warm insides would milk me just as tenderly as I fucked you. You’d be so aroused that you’d cum just from me pulsing inside you.”

“Could I say I loved you?”

“Of course... that would be music to my ears.”

Oliver’s entire aura changed in that moment. He caressed my cheek and jaw line before placing an intimate kiss on my neck. 

“I love you too.”

“I didn’t say it.”

“You asked if you could... so you do.”

I giggled at his statement and finally placed my lips around and in between his. I felt warm air flow out of his nose while his hands stroked my back. 

“I’m much better about my back too.”

“I know. I’m sorry I said you haven’t been getting better, you have... you truly have. I forget, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize I feel the same way most of the time. All sexual fantasies aside I hope you get the job. Would we live together?”

I felt stupid for assuming or asking. What if this was all too much. I don’t blame him. It’s too much for me too but I can’t get away from myself. Did Oliver want to? 

“I would assume so? Should I not assume?”

“No you should. I hope we do. I’d love to live domestically with you.”

“I’d love to listen to you practice the piano everyday...”

“More music for your ears.”

“Yes...”

Oliver replaced my hand with his much larger more calloused one. 

“You know you do this thing before you cum when your eyes role back.”

“I know. I can feel it but it’s not voluntary.”

“After warming up your hole I’d bend you over the desk and hit your sweet spot just the way you like...”

“How’s that?”

“I’d fuck you relentlessly but touch you warmly... sensually. You would be so stimulated underneath me that you’d grab the desk to steady yourself. You’d feel like you were floating away cause the pleasure was so intense.”

“Oh Elio...”

I was starting to sweat now. Oliver had me past the point of hot and bothered. I was clinging to him almost aggressively as I hung on to every word from his lips and touch from his fingers. 

“You’re so stunning when I’m inside of you Elio. Your curls would be clinging to your forehead from sweat. Your nipples would be rosy and red along with your neck from my kisses. You’d have such a gorgeous pink blush on your cheeks and chest in contrast to your porcelain skin. I’d be able to feel your pulse bursting through every part of your body. When you’re this sensitive I pay attention to what each thing I do affects you.”

I couldn’t help but let primal guttural noises escape my lips as Oliver walked me through a hotter fantasy then I ever could have imagined. Without warning I felt my cock convulse deliciously on Oliver’s hand. He massaged me softly while I continued to gasp in euphoria. I stared at him in awe. 

“Then I’d kiss each one of your scars and bruises. I’d cherish every inch of your body. I’d study it like a sculpture and I’d worship your skin.”

At this point my energy levels of arousal had peaked and exploded. Now I was listening to Oliver’s sweet tone of sincerity. He really loved me. I believed him. I loved him so much. I accepted then looking into his gorgeous honest eyes that it was possible for him to love me as much as I loved him. 

“You know when I was in so much pain I could barely walk I thought about your touch. The night we first made love was so engrained in my brain. That memory was battling with my rape for a long time... maybe it still is. But in the hospital your touch was so gentle and so kind it made me feel safer then I thought I ever could. I appreciate the way you take care of my body with your hands... in many ways Oliver. Thank you for always knowing what I need.”

“I’m glad. I always think I’m harming you somehow...”

“You’re not. You never have. Ummm Oliver did you want to cum?”

“No it’s ok. You should get some sleep before tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow am I forgetting something?”

“You’re seeing Marzia and Marzia.”

We both giggled quickly then kissed. 

“I know a lot has happened in the past few days... or weeks... or months really, but we’re getting through it and Elio I’m truthfully the happiest I’ve ever been even in the most difficult of times.”

“Me too.”

Oliver pulled me into his arms and traced his fingertips down my spine just the way I enjoyed. I did the same to him which caused him to break out in goosebumps. A sound. A knock. Who was knocking on the door? 

“Come in?”

Mom.

“Sorry sweetheart I know it’s late... Joey is on the phone.”

Shit. Joey? This late? 

Oliver rolled over and mumbled tiredly into the pillow. 

“That can’t be good.”

I looked at my mom through the dim lit room and spoke. 

“Can you tell him I’ll be right down.”

My mom nodded, wiped some sleep out of her right eye, and re-tied her robe. Oliver placed his hand on my back and talked briefly before closing his eyes. 

“Come get me if you need anything. We can pick him up if he needs it.”

“Ok. Be right back.”

As always a lot was on my mind. My body felt calm. My brain felt... busy and exhausted. I was nervous about Oliver getting accepted to Columbia. I was anxious about Rome. Joey. It was so late I knew Oliver was right; this couldn’t be good. I reached for the phone cautiously and prepared myself emotionally to inhabit the role of caretaker, that Oliver so expertly embodied. Breathe. Be there for him. He’s hurting, he doesn’t have Oliver. Breathe. Think about everything else later. 

“Ciao... Joey?”


	48. His Emotions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Thank you so much for waiting so patiently for this update. I’ve decided the story will go up until their trip to Rome. If I do a part 2 it will be after. If I don’t I’ll wrap everything up in this fic then start over on a new prompt. Hope you guys enjoy the chapter! I love comments and kudos but ya’ll knew that ♥️

“Joey?”

“Hi... umm I’m sorry it’s it’s so late but I... I don’t know...”

Joey’s voice trembled and I could hear his teeth chattering. Was he outside?

“Joey where are you?”

“I’m at home.”

I knew Joey had been sleeping with various people and I was worried someone would do more than take advantage of him sexually. I hoped no one seriously hurt him. 

“Are you really at home?”

“Yes. I just got home I was out. Elio...I’m sorry I called I just had a really terrible night and I wanted to hear your voice...”

I couldn’t see Joey but I knew him well enough that I could practically envision him beginning to cry. 

“Of course... do you want to talk about what happened?”

“No... I just need to shower.”

I knew exactly what that meant. For some reason ever since the night before we identified the men Joey had been having sex with random guys. I know he kept me out of that part of his life for many reasons but now I was concerned. 

“I really wish you’d take better care of yourself.”

“I’m sorry I bothered you... I’m really okay I was just shaken up.”

“Why?”

“You’re going to judge me.”

“No I’m not. Talk to me.”

“Someone paid me to be in this orgy... it was fine but I don’t know intense... I was really high I guess I still kind of am but don’t worry I’m home now. Most of the people were cute... I’m just really sore.”

I could hear Joey go from quietly tearing up to laughing uncomfortably. I had no idea what to say. Why did he do that? Was he really that worried about money? Was his dad ok? How long had it been since he’d been tested?

“You’re being reckless.”

“See I knew you’d judge me! Fuck I’m sorry I’m not as perfect as you... maybe I just wanted to get fucked.”

“I don’t know what to say to you right now. I think you’re really high and have had a pretty hectic night. Go take a shower then go to sleep. Set your alarm for 10 I’m picking you up at 10:30.”

“Why?”

“Because we need to talk but not right now. Get some rest I love you.”

“Ok. Ok. Thank you. I love you too.”

“Ciao.”

I felt so sick. I prayed my legs could wobble my body up the stairs. My nose started to prickle with numbness as my eyes released the tears I had been holding back. The door. I made it up the stairs. Good. I opened the door and saw Oliver sleeping soundly on the bed. I couldn’t wake him. I needed to sleep. I was beyond exhausted and couldn’t handle the amount of anxiety and worry I was experiencing for Joey. I wiped my wet cheeks before taking my sweats off and sitting on the edge of the bed.

“Hey.”

“Sorry I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“No it’s ok. Everything ok?”

Oliver lifted his arms above his head and let his wingspan fall over the pillows as he yawned. 

“Not really. I’m worried about Joey. He’s struggling a lot but he doesn’t seem to have the same amount of support that I do... he’s just making some decisions that I really hope don’t negatively impact him long term.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know I didn’t get very much information. We’re going to talk more tomorrow but it sounds like some people payed him for sex. Oh and he was high... so that’s great. I don’t know if he got the drugs himself or from them. He sounded fucked up. I think he was on something other than pot...”

I rested my hand on my forehead and tried to hope for the best, which was never my forte. 

“I know you’re worried and you’re being a good friend but you can’t make his mental health your responsibility.”

“Then what are friends for? Why have them?”

“I’m not saying you can’t help him but I don’t want you looking the way you do because someone else is making choices you can’t control.”

“How do I look right now?”

“Worried. Exhausted. Scared.”

“I am. I really am for him.”

“Come here.”

I literally let my entire body fall into Oliver’s open arms. He rubbed my clothed back in slow circles as he continued to soothe me with his speech.

“Your compassion is beautiful and it’s one of the things I love most about you but I want you to remember to take care of yourself.”

“I will.”

Before I could even shift myself to be under the covers I felt my eyelids collapse. Beep. Beep. Beep. 

“Can you turn the alarm off.”

Oliver hit his fist against the alarm abruptly then hugged me closer to his chest so my chin was over his shoulder. 

“Good morning.”

Oliver cascaded his hands all over my back until there wasn’t an area of skin he hadn’t touched. 

“No nightmares?”

“No. I feel good.”

My voice grumbled with morning tremors. Oliver looked at me in acknowledgment that he knew based on the way I breathed, sat, and spoke that I wasn’t ok. I embraced him as if to apologize. I’m sorry I’m always miserable. I’m so sorry mornings aren’t peaceful for you because you have to hold my frail body as I shake. I’m sorry you have to hear me sob in my sleep. And I couldn’t be more sorry about you looking at me with such love and understanding that I don’t deserve. I feel so guilty I have it. Now more than ever. Joey doesn’t have someone to hold him in the mornings. I removed my jaw from Oliver’s shoulder blade and looked at him openly and unguarded. 

“Do you want to talk anymore about Joey?”

“I’m just really frustrated with him but I know I shouldn’t be because I don’t know where I would be without you without... a boyfriend... a best friend... my everything. You’re everything to me Oliver and I’m getting nervous that Joey feels in a similar way towards me and I can’t hurt him... I won’t.”

“I love you and you know that but you would be fine without me. You got through this by yourself. Your progress is yours alone.”

“We both know that’s not true.”

“It is. I have supported you but I haven’t held you up...You know when I would rest my hand on your lower back in the hospital when you walked or sat up?”

I nodded. 

“That’s how I’ve been for you. A safety net. I was there then and I’m here now. I’ll always catch you if you fall but it’s your responsibility to stand... it’s Joey’s decision alone to change his behavior.”

“I know it’s up to him and that’s why I’m scared. I don’t think he has enough willpower to do it on his own. He’s seemed different at the last few meetings. Like he just doesn’t care... I mean I’m a mess all the time but I’m trying... I don’t know it seems like he’s lost hope, which worries me.”

“You know what’s worrying me lately is you.”

“I can’t have a conversation like that right now. I feel like every time we talk it’s about you worrying that I’m not getting better then saying you don’t care about taking care of me. Which one is it? This is how it is. I’m tired of feeling pressured to be healthy and to move on. Why can’t I just get through this my way. Why does everyone need to talk about how bizarre and scary MY behavior is. Don’t you think I know that it’s not normal to throw up food- to to.... cry while you’re having sex with your boyfriend because you hear rain...”

My pulse was racing in my head and wrists while I felt my forehead start to sweat. I was angry. I was mad. I was tired... so tired of having to deal with people. Even Oliver. I couldn’t explain myself anymore. I couldn’t pretend to be the okay scholarly Elio that would lick Oliver’s lips then talk about Italian politics moments after. I couldn’t run on my own, smoke a cigarette, then masturbate. I felt so suffocated the past few months in my own mind and body that often times I wouldn’t even noticed when my emotions would overtake me. How long had it been. How long had he not said anything? 

“I’m going to stay somewhere else for a bit. I think you need to settle into your space and just be... it’ll be good for you.”

“What Oliver no! I... need your hand on my back like you said earlier. You’re my safety net, please...”

I was shocked at how quickly I had gone from screaming to pleading. 

“I’m sorry... I’m... Oliver? Are you every shocked by your own behavior?”

I felt myself beginning to cry because every episode like clockwork always ended in tears. Just as quickly as the anger came the liquid poured. The wetness from my soul coated my cheeks and neck while my nose dripped with sorrow. Then I felt Oliver’s chest on my forehead and his arms around my back. 

“We don’t have to talk. We talk to much. Just let me hold you. Can that be enough?”

I couldn’t stop crying. My head was racing with thoughts and I felt like I was beginning to disassociate. I usually notice when my eyelids start to refocus the room. Suddenly everything looks foreign. The space that I’m occupying feels like it’s not held down by gravity. I grabbed onto Oliver’s naked back fiercely as I fought for my sanity. As if Oliver knew what was going on he began to lead me in a grounding exercise we had learned at a therapy session last week. His voice was so quiet, his hands so gentle, and his body so strong that I felt encased in safety and warmth. 

“Good. Now breathe out and let your chest fall into mine. I’m going to pick you up ok?”

As always in these situations I got to the point where I was too tired to fight. I didn’t care to be independent in these moments. Oliver put my body under the covers and nestled my head on top of my pillow. He kept talking to me about breathing and feeling my body while he scratched my back and scalp. After 10 minutes I was so relaxed and peaceful. I felt euphoric. This wasn’t normal. These feeling are too intense and too close together. Have I been getting enough sleep? Yes. Taking my meds? Yes... mostly. I should probably eat more but that wouldn’t be causing this. 

“Angel I think you’re really stressed. I have to go into work in three hours. How about you let me talk to Joey and you can sleep today.”

“Why am I like this?”

“A lot happened to you...”

I had never heard someone really just tell me what the problem was. I always went through diagnoses and medications. Which was necessary in a lot of my therapy especially with PTSD and anxiety... but these flares of intense emotions must just be because I’m not healed yet. My body is but my brain isn’t because... a lot happened to me.

“A lot happened to you to and look you’re going to take care of another person then go to work...”

“We’re different people who went through different things, at different times, by different people. You can’t compare us.”

“But if we say we’re so alike and in tune why are you functioning and I’m...”

“Elio. Do you ever consider that I’m functioning no better than you we just have different symptoms. I was abused much younger by someone I knew and formed many coping mechanism. Your were brutally attacked on one occasion that almost killed you. And it’s not secret you’re sensitive... and you know that’s not an insult. When I met you you were so stunning because you were free. No one had hurt you, no had made you “act like a man”, no one had touched you... to be so innocent and then to experience pain like that... I will never be upset at your progress. I’m sorry I’ve brought it up a lot. It comes from a place of love but I understand now it’s not doing anyone any good for me to constantly ask about if you want to die. All that being said if you do feel terrible or like you can’t keep it together I want you to tell me or your parents.”

“Of course.”

“Are you ok with that?”

Oliver was beginning to put on his jeans, then shirt, then cologne. No matter my pain, various mental illnesses, or pessimism I never got tired of staring at Oliver. Yes he was attractive and charismatic but he was so much more to me. I loved looking at him for everything he was. Every part of who he is. I must have done it right. I picked someone that I would not change a thing about because he’s so perfect even in all the ways that drive me crazy. Oliver. Elio...

“Elio?”

“Sorry... I spaced out yes it is, of course it is, thank you.”

Oliver’s tucked my hair behind my ear and kissed my forehead, each eyebrow, my eyelids, my nose, both cheeks, my lips, then my chin and jaw. I exhaled a purr of gratitude and kissed him quickly on the lips before watching him head toward the door with his briefcase in hand. 

“I know a lots going on in your head Elio. Give yourself a break.”

I smiled at him the most “I’m so irreparably in love with you” glance then let my head fall back into the crevice it created.


	49. His Rejection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry about the obnoxiously long wait. I have not only been busy but I’ve been contemplating how I want this to continue/end. I honestly think there’s like 10 more chapters of this story cause let’s face it I’m a major fluff writer and I’ve just accepted it. Tell me what you guys’ think and want to see more/less of cause comments make my day (:

“Elly...”

I immediate recognized the hypnotic soothing voice of my father and his gentle hand on my back. 

“Hmmmm.”

“I wanted to come talk to you. Well that is if you feel like talking.”

I sat up quickly and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes. 

“Yes of course. About what?”

“A few things but first off how are you? How are you feeling?”

I smiled at him and he returned it instantly. We talked everyday in groups and alone but nothing super serious ever came up. I always felt at ease with my father because I knew he wouldn’t bring anything up if I didn’t first. He followed my lead of tone and mood so well because like my mother, he knew me the longest and perhaps the best. 

“I’m ok... may I ask what specifically you’re referring to?”

“Well... just your general state of health I suppose. Mental and physical prognosis.”

“Physical is better. I’ve been eating more. Oliver’s really helped me with that. And mentally... some days are better than others.”

He nodded in understanding and brought his glasses to rest further on the top of his nose. 

“I just thought you should know the case finished this morning and I understand you haven’t wanted to know any details but I just thought you should know.”

“Can you tell me?”

“What would you like to know?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I don’t. I know a Joey goes with you often to court and he doesn’t seem to be doing well so...”

“It’s up to you and you can think about it but they were found guilty on 5 counts.”

“5 different people?”

“Yes. Joey isn’t doing well?”

“I don’t think he is. He called late last night. Oliver is going to talk to him before work so I’ll ask him tonight.”

“You’re very lucky to have found each other. Oliver and you.”

“Is that what you were thinking that day?”

“What day?”

“When Oliver carried my to the car I hadn’t seen you since... everything. You looked at me like you were trying to tell me something or that you were contemplating a thought. I reminded myself to ask you but I forgot.”

“Oh... well yes. I was. I had told your mom that I’d carry you to the car so you wouldn’t have to walk and she said not to worry because Oliver was already with you. For the first time I didn’t have to worry about you in a time of great pain because I the person that was with you cared as deeply for you as I did and do. I don’t know how I knew that... I just did. Then I saw you in Oliver’s arms wrapped in a blanket with your head resting on his shoulder. Your entire body was tensed in pain but you were just trying to get closer to Oliver. As if he would heal you just by caring for you. It gave me peace of mind to know that you were safe. That’s all any parent wants.”

“I’m thankful I have parents that prioritize their child’s safety.”

“Are you insinuating something?”

“Just that Oliver’s parents aren’t tolerant or remotely caring and Joey’s dad just doesn’t get it... he’s not cruel like Oliver’s father was he’s just absent. I think both can do damage.”

“Well animals can suffer from neglect just as much as abuse.”

“People are animals.”

“I can’t disagree with you.”

We both started to laugh at our shared humor. My dad readjusted himself on the bed and I could tell he was about to change the subject. 

“Another thing... I want you to know that you don’t have to go to Rome...”

“No... I....”

“I think it was planned too soon...”

“It’s been long enough!”

“I’m not saying you haven’t been making progress...”

“What is it with everyone and this progress...”

“No you’re not understanding me Elio... please let me speak. I’m concerned that you’re not going to have fun. That you’re going to be anxious and it’s supposed to rain two of the days you’re there...”

“Dad. I appreciate you’re trepidation but I’m going to be ok. I want to go. It’s one week. I’ll be fine.”

“Good I’m glad but just know you can change your mind.”

“Ok.”

“Any news from Colombia?”

“No. I think he’ll know today though, if not today, tomorrow. That’s another thing I’m going to Juilliard and I need practice leaving here.”

“You’ve been to Rome and New York.”

“I know but things are different now... I’m different now.”

“No you’re not, bambino.”

I smiled at my nickname and settled back underneath the covers. 

“Sorry I’ve been so lazy.”

“No no apologizing you’re going to be working very hard for the rest of your life emulating Mozart so by all means... sleep.”

“Hopefully I won’t be as insane.”

“All the best are... maybe this idea of progress is something you’re holding on to because I can assure you no one that cares for you cares that you’re anything but content.”

“Content.”

“Yes. Get some sleep, see you at dinner.”

He kissed my forehead softly then turned the lights off before shutting the door behind him with a squeak. 

Content. What did that mean? I knew I wasn’t happy. Well... I was at times. I was very happy at times. I was also miserable occasionally and depressed constantly. I felt anxious all the time and never comfortable. Did content just mean being ok with the fact that not everything is always ok? Fuck. Just go to sleep Elio. Go to sleep. I couldn’t let my brain lead me into existential thought when I was alone because I knew I would unravel. Breathe. Sleep. Take care of yourself. Oliver. How was he doing? Has he found out about Colombia? I should shower. I wanted to have sex with Oliver the moment he got home. I don’t know why maybe it was because I was horny, maybe it was because I missed him already, maybe I was feeling insecure about my life... 

“God I’m such a mess.”

Think about your gratitude like Marzia said. Marzia. Fuck how long had it been since I had seen Marzia, my friend, my best friend. She must understand why I’m being distant. Maybe she doesn’t. Why would she I haven’t talked to her. I know my mom has but... I want to see her. I’ll call when I wake up and invite her to dinner. I hope she’s not upset with me. Ok. Ok. Gratitude. You have so much to be thankful for think about it. In therapy Marzia told me to list all the things I’m thankful for when I feel overwhelmed so I can feel grateful. Ok. Umm... my parents, Oliver, Marzia, the medical staff, the piano, Italy, and and... I’m healthy now I guess. I’m thankful for that. No matter how many times I stated what I was thankful for I didn’t feel anymore or less bleak or any less alone. That was the sad truth. No matter how much support or how much gratitude I had I was alone. Everyone is and always will be, I guess. Shit. Don’t spiral Elio don’t do this. Don’t do this. Ok. Ground yourself repeat where you are and what you’re doing. 

“I’m at home. It’s the middle of the day and I’m taking a shower.”

I turned the water on to be scolding hot and stepped in quickly so my entire body burned at the same time. 

“You’re in the shower. You’re at home.”

I began to soap and wash my entire body as I attempted to keep my brain as quiet as possible. Don’t think. Just relax. Try touching yourself. I raked my boney hand down over my protruding hip bones and gently tugged at the skin there. God. It feels so good when Oliver kisses me there. Think about that. I was still soft and couldn’t manage to awaken my flesh. I gave up quickly with a sigh and continued to wash my unruly curls. 

“Elio are you in here?”

“Yes. Oliver?”

“Hey.”

He looked heavenly. He had a green button up shirt that was unbuttoned only to show a few golden hairs peaking through. His jeans were a light blue which hugged his thighs in all the right places. His hair was perfectly hanging over his temple and his face was divine, as always. Suddenly I was hard. 

“May I join you?”

“Yes please.”

I watched as Oliver stepped out of each article of clothing. Once he was naked he opened the shower door and immediately gasped at how hot the water was. 

“Are you trying to make yourself pass out.”

He turned the dial toward the cold side and brought my heated body to rest on his cooler one. 

“I don’t want to talk right now if that’s ok. I’ve been in my head too much today.”

“Ok.”

I could feel that Oliver was also hard but his expression was the softest thing I’d ever seen. I reached up to run my fingertips over his features. He leaned into every caress and hummed low in his throat. 

“Are you content Oliver?”

“Yes. I think being here in Italy with you is the only time I’ve ever felt content.”

Somehow Oliver knew not to continue. He must have picked up on the fact that even though I said I didn’t want to talk I wanted to ask him that one question. We held each other in silence as the water dripped down our bodies. After 10 minutes of blissful sharing he reached around and turned it off. Without the water the silence felt tense and I wondered if he was hiding something. Were those his tears running down my back or just the water? I reached up for a towel to wipe his face tenderly. I felt him slightly shudder when I placed the soft material against his skin. 

“What’s wrong?”

“Just a long day. You don’t want to talk. Let’s not. I don’t want to trouble you. You also look... down.”

“I’m fine. Talk to me.”

I wrapped Oliver in two towels and began to rub his back and arms in an attempt to show my devotion to him. Anything. Whatever is bothering you let me make it better. Let me help you feel better. I’ll do anything. 

“Well first off...”

Oliver sighed into my shoulder as he brought us both down to sit on the ground. We wrapped each other in towels and embraced as he continued speaking. 

“I didn’t get the job.”

“At Colombia?”

“Yes. They wanted someone with a PHD. Obviously. I shouldn’t have even applied.”

Oliver took a cigarette out of the counter with his free hand and lit it with a large candle match that’s kept by the toilet. He fed it to me and watched as I inhaled deeply. 

“Maybe the answer is to go back to school then. If you want to be a professor at some brown nose school you need your PHD.”

“I know.”

Before I could continue he blew a cloud of smoke toward my mouth and I attempted to catch it with my tongue. 

“Still I’m sorry though... rejection can be tough. I’ll tell you something though... there’s one person that will never reject you... Oliver...”

I could tell I caught Oliver off guard when I said his name. He was expecting me to say me or my own name. He put out the cigarette in the sink and began to trace my inner thigh in lazy strokes. 

“Elio?”

“Yes.”

I lifted my eyelashes from his pelvis to his eyes and smiled at the love I saw in them mixed with my reflection. 

“Would you feel extremely overwhelmed if I worshiped you with love in our bed?”

My breath caught in my throat and I felt my neck blush with embarrassment. He always caught me off guard when he spoke with such fierce honesty. 

“Take me. Take me far far away.”

Once I spoke the second phrase on his lips I let my head fall back with gravity while Oliver caught my lower back with his arm. He exhaled purposefully on my neck and I could feel him smile when he felt me shiver. His other hand began to ghost over each of my ribs and chest. 

“Mmhh...”

I wet my lower lip and guided it in between my teeth to remove some of my internal pressure. 

“Can we talk after?”

Oliver’s voice didn’t sound like his own. It sounded vulnerable and open. He seemed to be allowing me into a crevice of his being that I hadn’t had access to. I lifted my head up with care until my nose was pressed delicately against his. I was ready to be completely exposed with him. I had been before but today felt different. Today felt different because he felt different. He exuded an open presence. Perhaps because I was finally ready to receive. Did he sense that I was ready for his pain now. That I was prepared to soothe his sorrow and comfort his worried mind. I wanted to clear his trauma from the past and his anxiety about the future. Do you feel as safe when you hold me as I feel with your arms around me? Do I offer the same catharsis for you that you sacrifice for me? I knew Oliver was going to share some things he had never told me or possibly anyone after our intimacy. With that thought I spoke the only thing that I wanted him to know so he felt as secure as possible. 

“Yes. Heal my body and I’ll heal your mind.”

“When I’m with you and I hear you speak and I feel your skin... it... it... you feel like what I would imagine home is supposed to...”

Oliver was starting to cry and I couldn’t contain my instincts any longer. I switched my aura from sensual to overwhelmingly caring. I began to scratch his neck and scalp as I hummed quietly in his ear. 

“It’s ok. I’m ok. I really really want to make love to you if you’re not turned off by my outburst.”

“No. Never. You being open and emotionally raw turns me on. I love seeing different parts of you...”

Before I could continue speaking Oliver began the process of transcending me away from all my unwelcome thoughts and replaced my subconscious with sensations. I registered the sounds that escaped my lips but they weren’t anything coherent in the English language. As I slipped into a euphoric sexual subspace I prayed to my future self that I would have the strength and courage to be there for Oliver in the same way he had been there for me.


	50. His Apologies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright guys so this chapter made me cry as I wrote it. I truly hope the love in this story is seen through the heartbreak, loss, and trauma. At least I think that’s most people’s life experience. As always let me know what you all think because comments make my entire day. Don’t hate me too much for this chapter. Love you all, sorry for not updating sooner but I had to really think about this chapter. Oh! Also, I had writers block for awhile so I wrote a little one shot so go check that out if you need some smut to ease the pain of this chapter ♥️

“Are you awake?”

Oliver had been resting his head on my chest for about an hour. I could feel his tears slide down my rib cage and in the crease of my armpit. 

“Yes.”

“Do you want to talk?”

“No... but I guess I should.”

“Pretend like you’re talking to yourself I’ll just listen.”

Oliver giggled deep in his throat as he started rubbing my stomach. 

“I don’t talk to myself.”

“I do but only when I’m alone. No one wants to ever get caught talking to themselves...”

“I hear you sometimes if we’re at different areas of the house.”

“Really?”

Oliver brushed my curls out of my face with his hand and stroked my shoulder with the other. 

“Yes.”

I smiled at him somberly and stroked my fingers up and down his chest, slightly curling them in his chest hair. 

“Well I guess I’ll start with Joey. He ummm... he’s not doing great as you know. I just talked with him and sat with him for about an hour.”

I paused waiting to see if Oliver was going to continue or if that was all he wished to share. 

“What did he say?”

“He said a lot. He told me about the orgy, the one he eluded to on the phone with you. He asked me if I would ever be interested in hurting anyone. I think he asked the question because he knows that good people don’t hurt others but who knows really. Or maybe he asked because he wants to make sure I’ll never hurt you. I don’t know.”

“What did you say?”

“I told him I was abused. I said when someone suffers real pain, especially as a child, erotic pain play is usually not a fetish... at least that’s been my experience. I told him I know what it’s like to be trapped, controlled, and violated... and no, that I would never do that to anyone else.”

“Then what happened?”

“He just hugged me. He held me tightly while his body just... shook. It felt like holding you a few months back. He’s emaciated and even through his clothes I could see the bruises. I just held him and tried to calm him down. He told me to take care of you.”

“You’re very good at that.”

Oliver kissed my forehead and then replaced the ghost of his lips with his forehead on my own. I let my mind linger on Joey for a moment. I had been so preoccupied with my own trauma and seclusion that I didn’t see Joey and Marzia as much as I used to. I wished I had more to give them. I knew they both understood and I did see them both somewhat often. Part of therapy was not judging myself for every small thing. I knew I couldn’t constantly watch Joey or have the relationship with Marzia that I used to. I suppose that was all ok. I knew they loved me and I loved them. Oliver interrupted my train of thought quickly. 

“I know you haven’t wanted to know about the trial but your dad told me some things today and I think it’s important you know some of them.”

“Important?”

“Yes.”

He pulled away from me and sat up with his back against the night stand. I propped my head on my right hand and began to listen even closer than I already was. 

“One of the men was friends with my father in college. I guess he saw us kissing that day in heaven and took a Polaroid... he showed it to his friends and then they proceeded to do a “favor” for my father. In prison the man got a phone call and he called my father and told him what they did. He killed himself two months ago. He didn’t die from a heart attack like my mother said. I just wish... he...”

Oliver was crying now but still managing to speak through his shaken breath and heaving shoulders. 

“I just wonder if he did because of that... if he even felt bad or ashamed. If he thought about me as a child... remorse? Did he ever feel responsible? Did he ever regret touching his son? I don’t know why I still care. I wish... I’m... I feel responsible for what happened Elio. If I never came here that never would have happened to you and I’m so so sorry. I can’t even begin to explain how guilty I feel and I know there are no words that can make up for...”

I cut Oliver off with a kiss and felt our tears stick together. I looped my arms around his back and held him as close as I could. 

“What did he do to you Oliver? Have you ever told anyone?”

“I’ve talked about it in therapy but no one else knows. I’ve found the more I talk about it the more I loathe him and now... I hate him more than I have in my entire life because somehow he managed to hurt the only person I’ve ever loved.”

“I love you too.”

“Oh I’m not talking about you, goose.”

We both started giggling which eased the energy in the room and caused me to embrace him again. This time I intertwined our legs and wrapped my hand around his. 

“I’m sure I’ll give you details one day but I’m not quite ready yet.”

“Take your time. I hope to be with you for many years to come... don’t rush.”

I was blessed with a loving smile from Oliver that suggested he was very happy with what I said. He kissed me again and yawned obnoxiously which caused me to do the same. We sat in silence caressing each other and breathing deeply until I whispered against his neck. 

“Oliver?”

“Yes.”

“Please don’t blame yourself for what happened. It wasn’t your fault when you were a child and it’s not your fault for what happened to me. Ok?”

“I know that logically but my brain won’t seem to let me accept that notion.”

“I know the feeling.”

I could see the sun peeking up from the trees right behind my view over Oliver’s shoulder. 

“Is today Saturday?”

“Mmmhhmm.”

“Can we lay in bed all day and only get up to eat and lay by the fire.”

“I would love nothing more.”

“Also... not to overwhelm you but I know Colombia was important to you and I want you to know I’m here if you want to talk about that too.”

“Thank you angel. I’m ok. Disappointed. But ok. I’ll still go to New York. If you’ll have me?”

I nodded quickly. 

“I’ll find work or maybe go back to school. I actually applied to a few. I won’t study abroad but I think I’ve gotten my fill.”

We both laughed at that. I shivered slightly from the cold air whisking through our window. 

“Want me to close it?”

I nodded again and kissed his knuckles before he stood. I stared at his naked body without reservation as he sauntered to the window. It was starting to snow and I smiled at the contrast of Oliver’s warm naked body against the freezing countryside snowscape.”

“You know it snowed the day after your birthday.”

“I have to admit when we come back to Italy it should be over summer.”

“Sometimes I think once I leave I’ll never come back.”

“We’ll see how you feel. That’s a long ways away. I’m very nervous about returning to New York but... c’est la vie.”

“You’re so beautiful Oliver.”

I had been staring at him the entire conversation and couldn’t help rambling. I had watched him go from nervous to sad to anxious to loving back to sad to hopeful. I loved the way he processed his own emotions. Maybe it was from age. Or perhaps he’s always been this wise. Yes, Oliver was handsome and extremely attractive, anyone could see that. But when I called him beautiful I meant everything. His entire soul is what took my breath away. His empathy, care, wisdom, perseverance, humor, and openness was what made him beautiful to me. He was like a flower that I got to watch blossom. The more time we spent together the more he trusted me and allowed me to see him. Really see him. The man who threw me passive aggressive “laters,” scolded me about Chiara, and hid behind his wit and sarcasm was in a sense... gone. He was so much more than his facade. 

“I feel my knees give out when you say things like that looking so beautiful yourself.”

“Well I’m glad you’re laying down then.”

Oliver laughed again and brought my body back against his chest. 

“You told me to remind you to call Marzia. Friend not therapist.”

“Yes yes. Thank you for reminding me.”

“Rome is in two weeks. You feel up to it?”

“Actually yes. I mean I’m always a mess but I’ve been getting better... I think. And I know it’s not comforting to you but whether I have a panic attack in Rome or here it doesn’t really matter.”

“Yes. Very comforting.”

The door was knocked on one, two, three times. 

“Come in.”

It was my mother. She tied her robe as she opened the door and sat on my side of the bed. 

“Sweetheart. I have some bad news.”

“What?”

I could feel my chest tightening and my head start to go fuzzy. I licked my lips nervously and looked at her intently. She steadied her hand on my knee and took a deep inhale before speaking. 

“Joey... he took his own life this morning.”

What. No. No. I’ll call him. He can’t be gone. We were going to get coffee on Monday. I’ll see him on Monday. No. He’s gone. Is he gone? How do they know. I could feel my hands start to shake and the room start to spin all to familiarly. 

“Noooo.”

Just like that my tears started to flow. I grasped the sheets underneath my fingers and began to feel my throat close. No. He’s not gone. He can’t be gone. It’s my fault. I should have gone to see him. Not Oliver. Me. He wanted to see me. He called me. It’s my fault. He’s dead. He’s gone. I could feel Oliver try to persuade my body to be held. I resisted momentarily then went slack against him as I wailed. I knew they were both crying but in no comparison to my outburst. 

“Why... he... I’m so sorry Joey. I don’t know where you are but... I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.... sorry. I’ll see you I promise. I will. I’ll come to your house and you’ll be there. You’re not gone. I... I... love you. You’ll be there right? Please... don’t leave me. I’ll help you. I’ll save you. Please let me see you again. Joey... Joey... I’m so sorry.”

I was spastically babbling as the three people I loved most in this world tried to soothe me. I didn’t know when my dad sat next to my mother but he was here now, holding her and resting his hand on my back. I felt a massive weight on my chest. It felt like my heart might explode. Please god give me pain. Make me suffer. Joey suffered alone. Was he alone? Each new thought that raced through me shook my muscles harder and caused me to convulse in Oliver’s arms. He was holding me as tight as he could without crushing me. 

“He’s at peace Elio. He’s safe.”

Those two phrases Oliver whispered in my ear shouldn’t have soothed me. I hated that I did feel a small sense of relief after hearing those two words. Peace. Safe. That’s all Joey wanted. Was he at peace? Was he safe? Where is he? Where is my best friend?


	51. His Grief

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone. Unfortunately I had to put my dog down last night. I own many animals and somehow death never gets easier. I cried writing this entire chapter but it was somehow very cathartic. My dog was actually named Oliver, funny enough. I thank you all for allowing me to write this and giving so much suppport. In my grief I’m thankful for so much, including everyone who is apart of this story.

I couldn’t stop crying. I was so sick of crying. Please god turn my tear ducts to stone and my heart to ash. Don’t make me love on this cruel earth. Why am I still here? Oliver and I had been in bed all day since we got the news. We took turns sobbing whilst holding each other tightly. We grasped at each other for hours as if one of us would disintegrate if we didn’t hold on. We didn’t speak to each other for hours, we just cried and cried and cried. I truly didn’t know the two of us could produce so many blood curdling sobs and inhalations. Oliver had been asleep for awhile and the silence was killing me more than the sound of our sobs. I can’t do this anymore. I needed to throw up. If I can’t die... if I have to be here I’m giving myself that. I know I had been good but I didn’t have the energy to fight that small voice. The smallest of whispers telling me I’ll feel better. Please. Anything to make me feel better. I sneaked out of Oliver’s arms slowly so I wouldn’t wake him and snuck off to the bathroom. I locked the door and fell in front of the toilet. I forced my thin hand down my throat until I could bite my knuckles. I vomited everything I had in my stomach as easily as I had three months ago. Once I was finished I rested my head on the floor and curled up so I could hold my knees against my chest. I still had a migraine from crying so hard but it was beginning to get duller. Maybe if I just lay here and don’t eat or move I’ll just fade out. A knock. No. 

“Elio... open the door please.”

“I just need a second...”

My voice shook just as violently as my body and I couldn’t help beginning to sob again. 

“Let me in. I know you’re trying to throw up. Please...”

I could hear Oliver’s voice crack on the word please which only caused me to scrunch my face up harder. I opened my mouth slowly to speak but no words came out. 

“I promised him I’d take care of you... please Elio... let me take care of you... I need to make sure you’re ok.”

I could hear Oliver was crying as well. I crawled toward the door and reached up to unlock it. The moment it opened Oliver knelt down next to me and took my face in his hands. Before he spoke I could see his nostrils noticed the familiar acidic smell of my vomit. He took a deep labored breath and didn’t say a word. Instead he kissed every inch of my face while he rubbed the back of my neck. I whined at his tenderness and fell limp underneath his adoration for me, which I didn’t deserve. 

“I should have gone... he wanted to see me... I should have gone...”

“No. There’s nothing you could have done.”

“We both know that’s not true.”

“Yes it is. It wouldn’t have mattered. It happened because he wanted it to. There’s nothing, Elio look at me... nothing anyone could have done... because he was done. He couldn’t do it anymore.”

“It?”

“Life.”

“I don’t either and you’re not letting me die. You’re here making sure I’m ok. Who did that for him? No one. It could have been me... I could have helped him... but I sat, sat at home having a meltdown about nothing.”

Oliver began rubbing my back with his hands softly while I continued to babble.

“I don’t want to be awake. I don’t want to be asleep. I don’t want to be anywhere but but... just not here.”

“What do you mean not here.”

I looked at Oliver in a way that suggested my slipping grasp on reality and my utter distaste for life itself. He held me to him tighter and spoke so softly against my ear it may have been a ghost. 

“Don’t leave me angel...”

For the first time since we got the news I could feel Oliver’s chest shake. He really knew I was speaking differently than I had ever before. I could hear the fear in his voice. He thought I was saying goodbye or at least trying to. No. Oliver I won’t leave you. I’ll never leave as long as you’re here. 

“I’m sorry.”

I wrapped my arms around his neck and continued the phrase I’m sorry over and over like a prayer. After awhile I didn’t know who I was apologizing to. Oliver. My parents. Joey. 

“It’s ok...”

After a few moments of quite I broke the silence. 

“What did he say to you when you went over to his house?”

Oliver took a large breath and continued caressing me anxiously as he spoke. 

“He told me how he felt gross after sleeping with so many people. How his body didn’t feel like his own anymore and that his brain felt foggy all the time. He said he felt like he was trudging through mud just to get through every day. He said that he’s pretty much miserable all the time. He always thought sex would make him feel better and the disappointment that it made everything worse only made him feel more worthless. But to get through he thought about kissing you each time he was with someone. He said he dreamed about that kiss and how he was so thankful to me that I allowed it. He thanked me for loving you and asked me to promise that I would always take care of you. I asked if he was ok.... and all he said was that he will be soon... I didn’t know... I didn’t know that’s what he meant. I’m so sorry Elio if anyone should have done something it’s me... I’m such a coward. I’m the reason you’ve suffered so much...”

Without even understanding how I could snap out of my sorrow so quickly I comforted Oliver without thought.

“Hey, listen to me... you are the reason I’m still here. You’ve never done anything to intentionally hurt anyone in your entire life, Oliver. You’re the kindest most compassionate person I’ve ever met and that’s just one of the reasons I love you so much. This is not your fault... because I know so much about guilt I know you don’t believe me... but it’s the truth.”

I heard another knock. We both stood up so we were away from the door and Oliver opened it. My mom stood in the doorway with two letters. 

“Joey left you both notes. His father left them on the door step.”

My mom gave the letters to Oliver and hugged me as if I was going to break underneath her. She smoothed my hair out of my face and gave me a kiss on the forehead. 

“Let me know if either one of you need anything... Sammy and I are just downstairs.”

Suddenly my hands were shaking but I needed to know. I needed to read the letter. Oliver lifted my chin and spoke so softly I had to strain to hear.

“Are we going to read them at the same time?”

“Can we read one at a time together... I can go first.”

He took my hand and led me toward the bed. Once we were comfortable in each other’s arms Oliver handed me the envelope that read “Elio.” I opened it carefully and unfolded it slowly. We both read it in our heads. 

To Elio, my greatest friend,  
I can’t thank you enough for the role you played in my short life. I so looked forward to seeing your kind eyes, bouncy curls, and angelic smile. You brought me out of my purgatory every time I got to see you. I’m so thankful you have Oliver. He loves you just as much as I do and I know he’ll always be there for you. I want you to know that I love you, which I’m sure you already know. I also want you to know as I write this letter I don’t feel scared or defeated. I don’t even necessarily feel hopeless. The only hope I have is in death and to me it is full of possibilities I haven’t received on earth. You taught me what true hope is about. I hope for many things. I hope I find peace and I hope you live a full and complete life. I want you to know there was nothing anyone could have done to prevent this. I know you’re going to blame yourself. I want you to know you’re the only reason I got out of bed for so many miserable days. I’m forever grateful for your unconditional love and support. I’ll always be with you, never forget that. Lastly, thank you for being my first, last, and only love. I’ll see you again, Elio.  
Eternally yours,  
Joey.

I couldn’t help but smile through my tears at how overwhelmingly Joey the entire letter was. I could hear his voice and see his smile as I read the letter. I could feel his lips on mine. I sank deeper into Oliver’s arms and smiled up at him as my tears flew down my red cheeks. He wiped them carefully with his thumb and kissed my freckled nose.

“Can you open yours?”

Oliver nodded and ripped the letter open. We both began to read as we continued to cry. 

To Oliver, my angel,  
Thank you for seeing me today. In a way I’m glad it was you and not Elio because I needed to talk to you alone. Remember our conversation and know that I will always be around if you need guidance. I believe we were all blessed with guardian angels on this earth. Elio is yours and you are mine. Every time you helped Elio I healed a small amount as well. You are my angel because you’ve protected and cared for the only person I’ve ever loved and I’m so thankful for that. You are the wisest person I’ve ever met and I hope you continue to help others the way you helped Elio and me. Even though I’m the one that’s gone you’ll forever be my angel. Please continue to love Elio just as much as we both know he deserves. I wish you both a happy and compete life together. Thank you for saving a piece of my heart.  
With love,  
Joey.

Once our eyes connected Oliver was the first to reach for my jaw. I let my forehead fall on his and kissed him with my eyes closed. I could taste both of our tears and I sighed at how complete I felt. For the first time I felt comfortable in my grief. The pain was not easier but my head felt more clear. Oliver breathed in my mouth and I sighed at the life shared between us. Neither one of us spoke but we communicated through our glances and feather light touches. I didn’t know what I believed in but I knew I felt Joey around. For the first time since I got the news I felt his presence. My heart fluttered knowing he wasn’t completely gone. He was in the air surrounding me with a warm cosmic hug. 

“I love you Joey.”

For some reason that I couldn’t logically explain, I knew he heard me.


	52. His Hate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the kind words on the last chapter. This chapter just kind of wrote itself. Sometimes I plan how things are going to go and sometimes I just get possessed by a writing spell and it just kinda happens. I hope you guys enjoy and thanks so much again for all the support. Much love ♥️

It had been one week since Joey. One week. Some days were more difficult than others. My body physically had begun to ache the day I heard the news. My muscles felt sore and my bones felt tight. My heart had been alternating between a light burning sensation and a heavy pressure. Oliver had been amazing. He really was incredible to me no matter what but somehow he had been extra attentive since Joey. He had taken work off for an entire month because the snow had made it increasingly harder to get to work. Pierre was a friend of my father and I knew he had explained what happened. Pierre immediately called Oliver after one particular lunch my father and Pierre had and told him that he could take off as much time as he needed. We were going to be in Rome for a week so he asked for two weeks off and Pierre gave him an entire month. We’d be in Rome in a week. Christmas was in 9 day. I still had no idea what I was going to give or make for Oliver. At first I wanted to write him a song but that seemed too small. Then I thought I could buy us matching promise rings because in reality I knew I wanted to spend my life with him. But even though I know he loves me I didn’t think he’d want to feel tied down. Who am I kidding. I’m sure he’s felt suffocated this entire time. First he had to deal with my virginal nerves, then my assault, then my eating disorder, then my mental issues, then my best friends suicide. Why would I give him a promise ring? There’s no way he can wish for this to be his life. His forever. 

“You’re gonna bust your lip open again if you keep chewing it.”

I snapped out of my thoughts and returned to the moment. Oliver had just gotten out of the shower and was only covered from the waste down in a white towel. He walked over to the bed slowly and kissed my forehead tenderly. He had been so gentle since Joey. We hadn’t touched in a sexual manner since then. I wanted him, I did, but I was nervous I’d burst into tears. My entire body was as acutely aware as my emotions. I had still been struggling before Joey and now I was having full body panic attacks. I had thought about sex and I had masturbated in the last week but I didn’t know how to continue with Oliver. I was nervous I’d have a panic attack during sex which I didn’t want to put him through. But he looked so good right now and he had been so caring. He deserved to use me. That’s one thing I can always give him is my body. I shimmied my legs from underneath the covers and took my boxers off while never breaking eye contact. Oliver smiled at me sweetly and removed his towel. We both weren’t hard which made me question what was about to happen. I was expecting Oliver to attack my mouth or flip me over but instead he brought my body into his affectionately while running his hands softly up and down my back. I couldn’t handle all this love. I didn’t deserve it. I was so angry at myself. I hated myself now more than ever. Joey was my fault. Everyone’s pain is my fault. I wanted Oliver to hurt me. I wanted to feel him stretch me uncomfortably. 

“Hey baby where’d you go?”

Oliver titled my wet chin up and kissed my nose. His unconditional sincerity made me even more angry. 

“Just fuck me. Don’t use lube. I want you to stretch me until I bleed.”

There was an unmistakable silence that lasted what felt like an entire minute before Oliver exhaled loudly and spoke. 

“Elio... What?”

I could hear his voice quiver and I couldn’t handle his apprehension right now. I needed his large dominant body to devour me until my bones ached and my insides were raw.

“I’m... I’m not going to hurt you...”

“Please please just use me...”

I had pushed my pelvis into his and arched my back while my head was still resting on the pillow. 

“Elio you’re shaking... why are you doing this? Why can’t you just let me love you?”

He was now rubbing his hand up and done my entire torso. 

“Please... I want you to hurt me why can’t you just do it!”

I realized I had raised my voice but I didn’t expect Oliver to look at me with such disdain. 

“You don’t actually want me to... no one wants to be hurt by the ones that mean the most to them.”

Oliver tried to embrace my body again and I struggled out of his hold and flipped over. I rested my weight on my palms and perched my ass crudely in his face. 

“Are you going to make me beg for you to fuck me?”

I could tell Oliver was reaching the end of his reservations in the hardening of his cock. 

“Use me. I trust you just please I need...”

Before I could finish speaking I felt Oliver’s entire cock breach me. I cried out automatically and grasped the covers until my knuckles turned white. 

“Is this what you want!”

He didn’t let my tightness adjust to him. He simply thrust into me more aggressively then he ever had. Before I could blink away my tears I felt one hand squeeze my throat and the other dig into my hip. I couldn’t speak. Finally I felt consumed by something that was beyond my control. Finally I can rest and relax into the pain. The pain. The longer Oliver manhandled my delicate body the more tears I felt spill. My cock was soft and my body was limp against his domination. Let him have you. Let him fuck you. Let him cum inside you. You’re nothing without this man. I felt his wet warm cum fill my hole then everything was gone. All the uncomfortable sensations were ripped away like a bandaid and in its place was Oliver sitting on the bed hunched over with his head in his hands, sobbing. I sat up slowly and winced at the bruises I could feel forming on my body and put my hand on his back gently.

“No don’t touch me.”

I removed my hand immediately and stared at him in shock.

“Why did you make me do that! I promised I’d never hurt you. Why did you...”

“I’m sorry I just wanted to forget about the pain in my mind... I don’t know why I just...”

“This is still about you thinking you don’t deserve love... my love specifically. And I’m no better because I just... Christ Elio look at your neck.”

Oliver’s shoulders were shaking subtlety. Suddenly I wondered why I asked for this. I felt uncomfortable and my ass was in a great amount of pain. Oliver didn’t even want to hurt me... he just did it because he was probably sick and tired of me asking.

“I’m sorry I took my anger out on you.”

“Why are you apologizing to me Elio I basically just... raped you... I’m so sorry... I... I have to go. I’m going on a walk.”

Oliver began to dress quickly and wiped his tears as he stumbled around the room. 

“I hate myself as much as you hate me right now don’t worry.”

At my words I saw Oliver’s chest begin to heave up and down. He grabbed his heart frantically and tried to catch his breath. 

“Elio I’m... I feel weird something something...”

My bruised naked body sought his immediately while my eyes assessed his situation. 

“Oliver. I want you to listen to me. You’re having a panic attack. I need you to walk to the bed with me and lay down.”

I grasped his hand softly and led him to the bed. Once we were both facing each other I began to soothe him with various exercises and stroked his chest hair. After a few minutes of working to get his body and breathe under control Oliver spoke quietly. 

“I never thought I would hurt someone so innocent... I feel like my father... God Elio look at these bruises.”

Then just as quickly as he stopped he began to sob and shiver again. 

“Oliver. I asked for this. I’m sick and in pain and I wanted to get out of my body for a little bit. I’m too much of a coward to harm myself so I wanted you to do it for me. I’m so selfish that I didn’t even think that it would affect you in this way. You’re not your father. You’re amazing Oliver. I’ve been so angry... I’m sorry I took it out on you. I took advantage of you.”

“Oliver.”

“Elio.”

I explained to him that it was normal to feel sick and to sweat profusely. I whispered that I was here and not going anywhere. I touched his entire body as softly as I could. When I ghosted my fingertips down his hips I felt him shudder. I kissed every pore on his face and told him how I’d never be scared of him. Finally I spoke while looking him in the eye openly. 

“I’m in as much pain as you. I don’t think that should bring you anymore comfort but just know I understand.”

I hugged him to me so I could barely breath. Oliver breathed on my ear before he spoke through shaken inhalations.

“I’ll never hurt you again angel...”

“You didn’t. I hurt myself.”

“Can I bathe you?”

“Of course.”

For the first time in the day we kissed. It was a slow electric kiss that I could feel in my toes. Why did I beg for detachment when I could have Oliver’s love? Why would I ask for pain when I could experience pleasure?

“I’m so fucked up. I’ll never do that again Oliver I really am so sorry.”

“Don’t be. I’m the one at fault. After everything you’ve been through I never should have...”

Oliver began tracing my quickly forming bruises before connecting his eyes with mine. 

“I never should have treated you this way. This is my fault. I feel so disgusting that I got off to the sound of your sobs... I hate myself.”

I had never heard Oliver sound so self-deprecating. That was my job usually. To be on the other side of hearing the one you love talk so negatively of themselves is something I never thought would make me feel so... helpless. Is this how I make Oliver feel when I talk so freely about my misery? 

“I asked for this. I begged for it. Don’t hate yourself... please... I love you. It’s been a difficult time and I feel so terrible that I’ve caused you to hate yourself. I’m not good for you Oliver. You’re so much better than me.”

“You know what? Can we both agree that we’re perfect for each other. I think we both have issues that go deeper than the other but no matter what we’re here. I’ve been there for you and you’ve been there for me... that’s all that matters. I not only love you but... I trust you. I trust that you won’t leave me because you think I’m somehow better off without you. I want to be with you forever please don’t think anything else.”

I smiled at him and wrapped my lengthy body around his muscular one. I thought about the promise rings.

“We’ve been through so much and somehow I just fall more in love with you everyday. I know I keep saying it but I’m sorry I did what I did.”

“Me too.”

The conversation ended organically. We took a few moments rubbing each other and laughing at the sensitive ticklish spots that we both memorized on the other. Then Oliver picked me up and brought me to the bathroom. He sat me on the floor and began to draw a warm bath. 

“Oliver?”

He looked at me in response. 

“I think there might really be something wrong. I haven’t been on meds in a few months after the hospital and I think I need something to help me. Something more than therapy and my loved ones. I feel so sad then angry then happy then sad then exhausted then sick then tired. I know we could say it’s the events and what has happened to me but... I think it’s chemical. I read a book the other day on various mood disorders and I don’t think that is completely out of the question for me. Who knows? I’m not saying I know I’m just saying something has to change. I can’t be this way and watch the people around me be so continually affected by my illness. I may be pessimistic and slightly masochistic but I’m not a sadist. I can’t see you, my parents, and Marzia in so much worry over me. It sounds ridiculous but I didn’t realize how hard it is to hear that someone you love hates themselves until you said it earlier. I’m sorry you’ve had to see me hate myself for so many months. I’m going to really try to change. I really am.”

Oliver touched the water to make sure it wasn’t scolding and then walked toward me to help me up. Once I was settled in the water he brushed my hair back with his palm.

“You don’t know how happy I am to hear that. I’ll take you to any appointments.”

“I know. I appreciate you always taking me to therapy but it’s not enough. I’ll talk to Maureen about medication on Monday before we leave for Rome.”

“Sounds good. How is Marzia? Did you see her yesterday?”

“She’s ok. Worried about me. Like everyone. She never met Joey but she was very sad for me. We just sat by the fire and drank coffee. I love being with her, she’s so sweet.”

“So are you.”

Oliver kissed the thumb prints on my neck and rubbed my belly simultaneously. 

“I actually have some news that I didn’t have a chance to tell you before you started begging me to attack you.”

We both laughed at our shared dark humor that always permeated around us. 

“Do tell.”

“I got a job at MOMA. It doesn’t pay great but I think I’m going to go to school to get my PHD next year because I missed the admission deadline.”

“That’s great. I can’t wait to decorate our apartment. I can’t wait to cook for you. To play the piano for you. Oliver, I really will spend the rest of my life thanking you for being you. Even though you may hate yourself in moments know that I love you.”

“Right back at you.”

“Another American phrase.”

“Get used to it Manhattan boy.”

“Can we make love tonight? Or are you too repulsed by my lewdness?”

“If you’re not repulsed by me after the way I touched you then of course... I’ll make it all up to you.”

“Right back at you.”

Oliver smiled at me and began to soap my body. I felt the warm shiver of arousal which, was created from love, pool in my loins. 

“I really do love you. I’m sorry I’m so sick.”

“I wish everyone were as sick as you... I love you.”

“Elio.”

“Oliver.”

I relaxed into Oliver’s sensual touch and let the past slip away from my consciousness. In its place was Oliver. His body, his mind, his pain, and his love enveloped me in an overwhelmingly haze. I told myself to relax over and over and to worry later. I can figure out my mental stability later. Later. I giggled at the memory of Oliver being so guarded. Even in our hardships and issues I was proud of how far we had come in our openness and communication. Just keep going. Keep living. Keep loving. Worry tomorrow. Relax right now. 

“Oliver.”

“Elio.”


	53. His Vacation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for waiting! Hopefully I’ll update the next chapter soon cause some of it is already written. I also started another Call Me By Your Name fanfic that I’m going to continue when this one is over so check that out. I’ve been fascinated by the alpha/beta/omega fics so I tried to attempt one. Let me know what you think of it and this chapter! Much love ❤️

All of my doctors appointments had gone successfully and I was now on a new medication. It had only been a few days but I definitely felt more... grounded. I hoped and prayed that I didn’t have a flashback or episode in Rome. Oliver and I were mostly packed with the exception of a book bag that Oliver begged to bring. He said he wanted to go through all of the books I had written notes it. I was flattered but also suspected that he would get bored with it soon. 

“Ok... come on we’re going to be late for the train.”

Oliver nudged the back of my head with his nose since his hands were full. I turned around, grabbed my bags, and headed toward the door. I looked around at everything I had that kept me safe. One week. One. Week. It’s ok Elio, it’s only a week then you’ll be home. 

“What are you thinking about?”

After Oliver had put our bags in the car he could see me staring back at the house. 

“Just trying to... be ok.”

“Are you?”

I shrugged and walked up to him quickly to kiss his stubbled chin. 

“I need to shave your skin is all red.”

Oliver placed his large smooth hand on my even smoother cheek as I tilted into the touch. 

“We don’t have to be there for seven days. We can come home whenever... we don’t even need to leave at all.”

“No this will be good for me. It’s a goal. I want to start doing normal things again.”

“Ok, well let’s go then.”

He flashed me a stunning smile as he started toward the car. He looked amazing in all of his winter fashion. He had blue jeans on with a black button up and leather jacket. I exhaled my nerves as I took in his beauty. I got into the car with Oliver and my dad without thinking about how nervous I was. I immediately tried to get my mind to a comfortable place. Oliver and my dad talked for most of the ride while I stared out the window. I named and spelled everything I could see as quickly as I could to keep myself distracted. Once we had arrived at the train Oliver and I took the bags out of the car and hugged my father. 

“Be safe.”

“We will.”

My dad smiled at me and screamed to have fun through the car window as he drove off. Once we were in the train I immediately fell asleep on Oliver’s shoulder and was woken up when we were at our destination. I opened my eyes and rubbed the sleep out of them slowly. It was night now. I felt a chill run through my spine and Oliver seemed to notice instantly. He put his hand protectively on my back and rubbed my spine soothingly. 

“frocio.”

Fag. My body froze. Don’t hurt us. Are there others? I didn’t dare move or breath or look at whoever said it. Oliver stood to his full height and stood in front of me shielding me from the aisle. 

“Hai un problema con noi?”

Oliver spoke slowly with an uncomfortably serious tone. I heard two people laughing before one of them responded. I still hadn’t looked up. 

“Deve dare dei bei pompini.”

I could see out of the corner of my eye that they were pointing at me. I knew Oliver only understood limited amounts of Italian and I hadn’t figured out if he understood what they said about me. I hope he didn’t cause he already looked like he was going to hurt someone. I tentatively put my hand around his wrist and pulled him back to me. He sat slowly and let the two men pass to get off the train. Oliver lifted his arm to place it around my trembling body but I interrupted his actions. 

“Don’t... just wait until we get somewhere private.”

Oliver frowned and then put his hands together in his lap. We sat for a few minutes while everyone departed then got off with our luggage in hand. Oliver motioned for a car and began to load everything into the trunk. He handed the piece of paper with our address to the driver then opened the door for me. Once we were both inside I realized how strange it was to not at least be having our knees grazing each others or our toes touching. 

“Qui!”

I looked out the window to find a beautiful old house encased in green vines and small Christmas lights. It looked like renaissance cottage out of a movie. The driver helped Oliver with the bags then drove off. Again Oliver opened the door for me. As I entered to house I leaned in to kiss him. He smiled into it then got the last bag from outside. The house was cozy and extremely well taken care of. 

“Did you find this place?”

“Yah its a couples third house. They rent it out during the winter.”

“Must have been expensive.”

“I’ve been working a lot.”

On the last word Oliver encased my hip bones in his hands. I sighed at the final warm contact. 

“I wish I didn’t let things like today impact me. That’s all that’s been on my mind.”

Oliver kissed my forehead and started to sway back and forth with me almost like dancing. 

“I know... me too.”

I noticed a turn table when I turned my head and released myself from Oliver to go pick something to put on. I found some blues and I put it on without question. The beat started slow and sultry and I reached my hand out for Oliver’s. He wrapped me in his arms like he had done a thousand times before. His touch and body never got old to me. We danced for over an hour. He picked the next vinyl and I picked the one after. I couldn’t stop laughing and giggling and blushing. Then a song came on that made me start to blush even redder. Oliver smiled and brought me into him as close as I could be. I hummed as Al Green’s voice filled up the small dimly lit cottage. 

I, I'm I'm so in love with you  
Whatever you want to do  
Is all right with me

Oliver spun me around quickly then dipped me before I could get my footing. I laughed into his hold before he picked me back up. 

Cause you make me feel so brand new  
And I want to spend my life with you

We continued to dance as Oliver started to sing. I had never heard him sing before. He wasn’t very good but I knew in his soul that he meant the words he was saying which made me feel unusually warm. 

Loving you forever is what I need  
Let me, be the one you come running to  
I'll never be untrue

I smiled at him from across the room as he danced alone and sang directly to me. 

Loving you whether, whether times are good or bad, happy or sad  
Come on

Oliver reached me right after he sang come on. He placed his hands over my neck and ears while gazing down at me. The song ended with a click. The house was completely silent other than our frantic beating hearts and sweaty torsos. 

“I’m so sorry about a few nights ago.”

I exhaled roughly before responding. 

“We talked about this... I asked for that. I’m not hurt, I’m not scared of you, and I’m not upset.”

“Good.”

Oliver kissed me slowly and slipped his tongue inside my willing mouth as he wrapped my legs around his pelvis. He walked me to bedroom and placed me gently on the bed. He flipped the light switch and we both looked around at our surroundings. The room was tasteful with one source of light. There was a small chandelier that had a red gel fill over it. 

“Umm I brought pot if you want to smoke.”

Oliver nodded and started to unbutton his dress shirt. 

“Is it too cold in here for you? Cause I can turn on the heater.”

“No I’m ok but you can if you want.”

Oliver discarded his shirt and sat next to me on the bed as I handed him the rolled joint from my back pack. He lit it with a match and began to draw a smooth inhale. I watched him in awe. 

“You’re so handsome.”

He leaned in to pass the smoke to me through a wet kiss. I moaned accidentally and felt him chuckle. He passed it back to me and I did the same thing to him except I gave him a much larger cloud of smoke. He coughed quickly and I couldn’t help laughing at him. Once we were adequately stoned and content I threw the remains in the trash and sauntered back to the bed. My limbs felt weightless as I climbed up into Oliver’s lap. He grabbed my ass roughly through my jeans and I yelped at the pressure. 

“You always get horny after we smoke.”

“You’re telling me you’re not.”

Oliver ghosted his hand over my cock and I hissed at how much harder he was making me. He hummed into my neck and began to pull the pale skin in between his teeth. I grasped his shoulders for balance and rolled my hips into him with intent. 

“Elio?”

I looked down at Oliver who already appeared to be wrecked and needy. 

“I bought something for you.”

I smiled at him while I continued to push my cock into his. 

“I was going to wait but this seems like a perfectly good time to show you... and no pressure if you don’t like it.”

I arched my back to whisper slowly in his ear. 

“I’m sure I’ll love it.”

“It’s in that black bag in a red box... open it in the bathroom.”

“The bathroom?”

The pot was making me giggle profusely. Oliver seemed to be enjoying my behavior enough to give me an early present so I tried not to analyze myself too much. I picked up the box and brought it into the small marble bathroom and shut the door. All the blood in my body was pooling in my ass and cock which was making it harder to breathe. I took steady breaths as I opened the box and almost gasped at what was inside. It was a white lace bodysuit for a woman. I touched the lace experimentally and shivered at how soft it was. I could feel my cock leaking through my jeans as I pulled everything off and slipped into the lingerie. I looked up anxiously in the mirror. I felt my heart sink. I looked too emaciated. It was an extra small for women and it fit me perfectly, which made me feel slightly sick. My scars were visible even underneath the lace and my neck scar looked especially terrible under the lights. I felt my eyes starting to fill with tears but I blinked them away. I attempted to put my body issues aside and tried to compose myself. Oliver loves me. He loves me for me. He doesn’t care that I’m skinny and have scars. He doesn’t care that I’m not curvy. He loves that I’m a man. I opened the door to reveal myself. I didn’t know how to stand or how to look at him. What do I do? I probably look ridiculous. I ran my hand through my hair anxiously before a curl fell in my face. Breathe. Let him love you.


	54. His Touch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Here’s some smut have fun! ♥️

I finally looked up from the floor to find Oliver a foot away from me staring lustfully. He took another step and instantly ghosted the back of his fingertips down my sides. The feeling of his fingertips on the lace and my bare skin made me start to softly pant. I knew my skin was starting to turn red with arousal. 

“God Elio...”

The two words came out like a feral growl. He sounded like a man possessed by something deep inside himself. That something was me. I continued to blush while he just touched all parts of the lace and my exposed skin. Oliver placed a hand on my lower back and I instantly titled my hips back into his touch. This made the body suit slide up my ass to reveal more skin. Oliver then put the other hand on my ass and pushed me into his groin. I could actually feel his cock twitch in his pants. I finally looked up at him and saw that he had been staring at me.

“You’re so gorgeous.”

Before I could respond I felt Oliver unclasp the suit right underneath my balls. My cock stayed tucked in the lace but my ass was now on display. Then suddenly Oliver was gone. He wasn’t supporting me. He wasn’t whispering sweet nothings in my ear. Oliver removed his pants and sat on the bed now only in his underwear. 

“Come here baby.”

I obeyed instantly and straddled his hips. Oliver dropped a few globs of lube on his hand and dropped it down my ass and all over my balls. I shrieked in a breath of air and let my head fall back at how good this all felt. 

“Open your mouth.”

I did as I was told and looked at him wantonly. He stuck two fingers inside my mouth and gently massaged the pad of my tongue in time with my ass. Then just as he thrust a finger deeper down my throat I felt a digit breech my ass as well. I cried out and shifted down into his groin and felt a wet patch of pre cum coat his underwear. He took his fingers out of my mouth and put them on his cock. I looked down to find him rubbing my hole with one hand and his cock with the other. 

“You’re being such a good boy... do you have any idea how beautiful you look... fuck Elio...”

I rolled my hips seductively so Oliver could feel my cock and hole rubbing his lubbed fingers and cock. My body was so on edge that it accepted every bit of attention Oliver payed it. Whether it was small touches over the lace or deep thrusts that made my ring of muscle clamp around his knuckles. 

“You’re so ready for me baby... so wet.”

I smiled at how turned on I was getting from listening to Oliver talk dirty. I had never heard him talk this way and it was making me feel light headed. 

“I love the way you talk to me and touch me...”

“Do you want me to fill you up...”

“God yes... please.”

Without removing the lace Oliver positioned himself at my entrance. The feeling of his wet cockhead on my hole made me start to finally whimper. 

“I know what that sound means. You want it don’t you...”

Oliver slide his hand up my neck and squeezed gently. I let my head fall back while my cock twitched with no relief. 

“I’ll take care of you baby don’t worry... I’m gonna make you cum harder than you have in your entire life.”

“If you keep talking like this I’m going to cum before we start.”

Oliver laughed into my neck then began to kiss the skin there. I could feel that he was marking me all over but I didn’t care. Let those temporary scars add to my permanent ones. I wanted to see proof in the morning of how wrecked and carried away we both had gotten. He kept sucking my soft skin into his mouth and pooling on the blood to the surface. My entire body felt like it was on fire. Goosebumps broke out over my entire body which sent a convulsion down my skeleton. Just as I finished shuddering Oliver thrust himself into me. He worked himself in me slowly so I could get used to his size. I never seemed to be prepared for how large Oliver was and it always slightly stung. I was extra sensitive from the drugs and I felt my body try to reject the intrusion. Oliver seemed to notice the dilemma because he was looking directly in my eyes instead of where we were joined. 

“You ok baby?”

“Hurts... I don’t know why...”

I could barely breathe. It was like all my nerves of the day and anxieties were exploding right now. 

“Your heart is beating so fast I can hear it.”

Oliver put his hand over the lace to press against my chest. Then he wrapped his arms around me and brought his ear to the same spot. Oliver still hadn’t moved. He seemed to be in shock but I don’t know why. After holding me close and listening to my heart I felt him pick me up and place me on my back. He stayed inside me the entire time which slightly burned when we moved. I tried not to wince when he buried himself deeper but I was unsuccessful.

“Oliver can we stop.”

Oliver pulled out of me immediately and brought his hand to caress my cheek. 

“Are you still sore from when...”

I could see Oliver’s face start to squeeze up like he may cry. I sat up and kissed the words away from him. Yes. I was but I couldn’t tell him that. He already felt terrible and it wasn’t his fault. 

“Oliver I’ll let you do anything to me... what do you want?”

“I want to make you feel good baby.”

For the first time tonight he stroked his hand over the patch of lace that had taken my cock prisoner. I gasped and bucked into him. 

“I liked when you said good boy...”

“Oh yah?”

“Mhmm yes daddy...”

Oliver grinned so wide I laughed at the change of energy in him. I felt my blood boil from my own provocative words. My hips were now fully off the bed and my eyes were squeezed shut. 

“Look at me.”

His voice was so deep with arousal and his hands were starting to become even more demanding on my body. I decided to flip him over and turn the tables. I slithered down his body while never breaking eye contact and popped his cock in my warm pink mouth. I heard him hiss above me as he grabbed a fistful of my hair. 

“What a good boy... just like that... you’re so good at that baby, let me see your eyes.”

I managed to continue deep throating Oliver while my wet eyes were aligned with his. The weight of Oliver’s cock in my mouth caused my jaw to begin to ache but I didn’t care. The words coming out of Oliver’s mouth were turning me on too much to stop. 

“Fuck... you’re so beautiful... you know that?”

I lifted my eyes to him suggestively and started to lick his slit slowly. I watched his eyes role back while his hips tried to stay hitched to the bed. I was laying on my stomach humping the mattress for some form of relief. The feeling of the lace, the mattress, Oliver’s heavy cock in my mouth, and the sound of his voice had me writhing. Suddenly Oliver pulled my mouth off him and brought me to lay on top of him. Our cocks were touching other than the thin piece of lace that was separating us. I knew from how wet we both were that we were both going to cum any second. Oliver put both his hands on my ass and rolled our bodies together. We were both panting into each other’s mouths while our sweat covered foreheads rubbed together. 

“I’m so close...”

I sounded so desperate it almost sounded like a plea. 

“Oh baby me too... you’ve been such a good boy...”

He licked his own pre cum off my chin and smiled up at me. He flipped me over quickly and started grinding into me with the intention to make me scream, which I did. I cried out and threw my head back as I started to shake.

“Please daddy... I want to feel you cum on my cock.”

Oliver ghosted his cock over mine teasingly then gave me exactly what I wanted. He was rolling his hips as if he was fucking my hole instead of my cock. I felt my balls start to tighten and I knew this was going to be intense.

“Hold me.”

Oliver brought my body up to his so I was resting in his lap as we both started spurting thick cum on each other’s cocks. Oliver moaned directly in my ear as I started to convulse with sensitivity. He rolled our hips together so our cum could mix in between the lace as I gasped for air. I hadn’t even realized my eyes had been closed but when I felt Oliver’s forehead on mine I opened them slowly to look at him. 

“I love you so much Elio.”

I could see two tears escape his eyes so I licked them with care then held his head in my hands. 

“I love you too Oliver.”

We sat in silence while our bodies got used to each other without being in earth shattering bliss. Once we both stopped vibrating Oliver asked me to turn around so he could unclasp the suit. I enjoyed the soft feeling of his hands on places I still hadn’t been touched. This caused me to become aroused all over again. I bit my lip to keep from moaning. 

“Don’t hide from me... I love the sounds you make.”

Once the lingerie was off he placed it in a bag to be washed. 

“Why white?”

Oliver laughed and looked at me from his six foot standing position. 

“I just thought you’d look even more like angel...”

I smiled at him warmly and stood to meet him. 

“That all felt so good... I felt good.”

Oliver nuzzled my ear and whispered softly. 

“You should always feel good about yourself... you’re perfect.”

I felt myself blush as Oliver picked me up and took me toward the bath. I kissed his cheek and let my brain space get occupied with all the chemicals that were coursing through me that made me feel euphoric. It had been a long time since I felt this carefree. I wouldn’t let myself get distracted with misery. Oliver and I were in Rome... together. I got an envelope with a promise of a trip when I was so sick and I never thought I could go and here we are. I was finally proud of myself and so thankful for all of Oliver’s help. I just felt such gratitude in my heart. My body felt filled with a warm glowing light and I never wanted it or Oliver to go away.


	55. His Fever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my goodness, hello lovely people! I’m so sorry this has taken MONTHS to update but it’s here! I have been writing another fanfic called Ownership and have been so consumed with that. Hopefully now I’ll be writing both. I’ve been really busy and very stressed so these stories have been good for me to indulge in. I hope you all enjoy the much awaited update. Sorry it’s a shorter chapter but there will definitley be more to come. I love you all and thank you for your patience! ♥️

I woke up suddenly and in a cold sweat. I looked down to see I had a puddle of sweat under me. I felt so sick...

“Elio... Jesus.”

Oliver put his hand to my head and then to my cheek.

“You’re burning up.”

He ran quickly to the bathroom and returned with a thermometer. He took my temperature then placed a cold towel on my head. 

“102... you’re sick.”

“Maybe it’s the new medication.”

“You know what I think?”

I looked at him, so he knew I was listening.

“I think we shouldn’t have come. I think you’re so anxious and stressed that you’ve caused your immune system to shut down...”

“No... it’s a coincidence...”

“I don’t think so. You were shaking in the car, on the train, and even in the bath.”

I looked down so he couldn’t see the guilt in my eyes. I hadn’t been eating. It wasn’t on purpose anymore but my stomach hurt so frequently when I left the house it just felt better to not eat. 

“You don’t look well, Elio.”

“I know. Fuck, I feel so sick.”

“Well let me change the sheets and get you into a new shirt and shorts.”

I sat on the couch and drank a voodoo cocktail of herbs and electrolytes that Oliver made while he washed our bedding. I looked down at my leg to notice a light reddish blotch. It looked so similar to the men’s sores at the hospital. I set my drink down and cocooned myself in the blanket so I could weep. I’m dying. 

“Hey... angel. Look at me.”

Oliver tilted my trembling chin as I clutched the blanket around me. I hesitantly brought my eyes to Oliver’s. I removed the blanket to show him the blemish and continued to shiver. 

“I think it’s a bruise. It’s not...”

“How do you know?”

“You tested negative. That’s how I know.”

“Those guys, they could have had anything. What if I gave it to you? I’m so sorry...”

My stomach lurched at all my new anxious thoughts and twisted in discomfort. Oliver noticed immediately and brought me a plastic bag. I vomited instantly and continued crying. He rubbed my back and spoke once I wiped my lips.

“We should go home.”

“I’m such a failure. You deserve so much better. I can’t even go on a vacation. I wish I didn’t hate myself so much... I miss Joey.”

I knew I was rambling but I was so overcome with emotions that I couldn’t stop myself. 

“Would it make you feel better to go to the hospital? You can get tested.”

“See! You’re worried too!”

“No, I’m not. I just want you to have peace of mind. I think your brain is doing this to your body.”

I ran that concept through my thick skull multiple times. What if my anxiety is causing me to vomit and shiver. But what about the fever? I guess it could just be a cold. I looked down and rubbed the purple blotch. 

“Oliver?”

He put his hand on my boney knee and nestled his thumb in the indent.

“I don’t want to die.”

Oliver’s reaction shocked me. He smiled at me brightly and hugged me as close as he spoke.

“I’m so glad.”

I pulled back and spoke at him angrily.

“You’re glad! Oliver... what? What if you’re sick too... what if...”

“Elio. Listen to me. You’re fine and so am I. I’m glad you said you wanted to live because all I’ve heard the last few months is how much you don’t want to. And with Joey... god, I’ve been so worried about you.”

I nodded in understanding and wrapped my arms around his shoulders. He hoisted me up with ease and settled me back in our clean bed. He placed another water at the bed side table and laid next to me. 

“We’ll go to the hospital tomorrow so you can get tested.”

“No. I don’t want my parents to have to worry about more medical bills. I’m probably fine.”

“I know that but I don’t think you do. You need the reassurance.”

I felt slightly better from vomiting until I looked down at how much I weighed. I hated realizing how small I was. That wasn’t getting better. Why? I had been working tirelessly to eat. 

“You’re so hard on yourself.”

“Do I exhaust you?”

“What?”

“My behavior... does it exhaust you?”

“Yes, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“I’ll probably get old.”

“You goose, so will I. We’ll grow old together.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

He frowned at me and spoke between sips of water. 

“If you’re implying that I’ll get tired of you. Don’t ever worry about that. I love you and you don’t leave the ones you love.”

I began to weep all over again and spoke through heaving breathes.

“Joey said he loved me... and he left.”

“I know...”

Oliver continued rubbing my back as I blew snot into a napkin. 

“I just want to sleep... if I talk anymore...”

Oliver turned the lamp out and started to scratch my arms soothingly.

“Just sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

I nodded against his chest and already noticed the shivers were subsiding. I knew Oliver was probably right and that I was fine. But there was a large part of me that suspected something was off. It’s genuinely been harder to keep food down. They all think it’s my eating disorder but i feel actually sick. Is Oliver right? Is my brain making my body ill? I rubbed my fingers through Oliver’s chest hair and took comfort in how familiar his body was. He always kept me safe. Even if I die he’ll protect me from the monsters and demons of the underworld. I shut my eyes and tried to envision a world that didn’t terrify me. A place that I could thrive and live without terror of being attacked. I wanted to go to New York for school but I just kept questioning myself... I continued to scan over every inconsistency in my life, as I so often do, before bed until I heard Oliver’s voice in my ear. 

“I’ll always protect you.”

I didn’t know if he could read my mind or he was just letting me know. I smiled into his neck and thanked him for his devotion.

“I’ll never leave you Oliver.”

For the first time that night, I felt a tear stream down Oliver’s face on to my nose. He knew what I was referring to, I didn’t need to spell it out. It felt good to say it because lately I was entertaining the idea of taking my own life. I never made a plan but at times when the misery got to be too much I thought about Joey. I imagined going into the comforting blackness with him. It was a relaxing thought... death. At times it was the only thing that made my bones settle. But here was Oliver. This beautiful, kind, incredible lover and friend that was here to help me heal. All this was difficult for him but if he could stick it out I wanted him to know... I could too.


	56. His Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all you lovely people! Thank you so much for being so patient! I seriously should be updating this more regularly. I will respond to all comments on the last chapter when I get home from work(: Enjoy ♥️

Oliver started to cook dinner while I sat on the couch and watched him. I couldn’t stop picking at the little bruise. Oliver scolded me and told me not to. I exhaled and looked at Oliver. His beauty was always so breathtaking to me and somehow continued to surprise me. 

“So will you move to New York with me in the fall?”

Without looking up from what he was stirring he spoke.

“That’s the plan, only if you want me to.”

“Of course I want you to.”

He smiled and went to the fridge to grab more supplies. I wrapped myself in a blanket and took in the cozy house we were in. I took comfort knowing that Oliver didn’t care if we didn’t leave. He was so selfless. He just wanted me to have fun and stay calm. Unfortunately, I’m so worthless I can only stay relaxed when there’s four walls around me. 

“Want me to start a fire?”

I nodded and grabbed another blanket as a shiver ran through me.

“I’ll make you some tea to warm you up. The fire should help too.”

“Thank you.”

He kissed my forehead then knelt down to start the fire. 

“We can live in an apartment together.”

“I would love that but we would get a lot of noise complaints with your piano playing and you have to practice. I was thinking a house in the suburbs?”

My heart fluttered at the thought of picking out plates, furniture, and soap with Oliver. Would we have a little lawn? Maybe a small bench and table for tea, just like home. 

“Are you nervous about living in the states?”

“It’s very busy there. I’m worried about getting overstimulated.”

“Well, we have a few more months to get you ready and you’ll see a therapist and doctor there.”

“Yes, the healing never stops I suppose... or should I say the pain.”

Of course my humor took a morbid turn yet again. Oliver just smiled sadly at me then leaned down to kiss my sick lips.

“I’ll get you sick!”

“You’re not sick, goose.”

He kissed me then disposed of the matches. Moments later he brought me a cup of tea. He sat next to me while the soup bubbled in the pot. He put his hand on my inner thigh and began rubbing it soothingly. 

“How are you feeling?”

“Better, this medication makes me drowsy.”

“We also smoked.”

“Oh yah.”

We both giggled then Oliver leaned in to kiss my neck. 

“Oliver?”

“Yes.”

“Can you tell me about your dad?”

I couldn’t explain why but somehow I knew we were both ready for him to tell me. We had shared everything and this was the last story to connect us further. I was more than empathetic already. I just wanted to listen and be there for him. I wanted him to have a cathartic sharing experience. There was also a selfish part of me that wanted to be there for him when he was the most vulnerable. He had done it for me, time and time again. He took a deep breath and nodded. Apparently it was time for him too. 

“It started when I was very young. If I did something wrong or disobeyed he would call me in his office. He told me it was for my own good. That I needed to learn.”

“What did he do?”

“It started with him just touching me.”

“Then?”

“It escalated... he raped me for years.”

Oliver was already crying. I knew he had never shared this information with anyone but a therapist. I rubbed his shoulder and opened my eyes in understanding. He continued, as if my eyes gave him the strength he needed.

“There was one time. It hurt so bad... I begged him to stop. I kept swallowing my own tears... he just called me a coward.”

“A coward? No, you’re so strong.”

I hugged him to me and was shocked at the sob that released itself from his chest. I stroked his back and told him just how strong he is.

“You know it was never your fault right?”

Oliver detached from me and combed my hair behind my ears. He repeated the phrase back to me. We both nodded in response to each other’s question. 

“Shit!”

The soup had began to boil so he ran to turn the stove top off. We both giggled through our tears then he sat beside me again. 

“I’ve always wondered if that’s why I’m gay... I didn’t come out because I just thought that was why. That somehow I got messed up from it all.”

“Well you know being gay isn’t a choice.”

“I know. I didn’t know that as a teenager. It was torture.”

“I hope you know that you can be yourself for the rest of your life with me.”

I regretted my statement instantly. I was such a bother. Who would want to be with me for the rest of their life? And that’s my response to his story about his father? You can be yourself with me? I constantly surprised myself with how pathetic I was.

“I know. And I thank you for that. It brings me so much comfort to know that.”

He leaned in and kissed me. I felt the pain in his lips. 

“You know sometimes you just have to let go in order for things to happen as they should.”

“You read my A Single Man annotations!”

“Maybe...”

I slapped his chest lightheartedly.

“You know I brought your books here.”

“Yes.”

“I love that book and what you wrote. You’re truly more insightful than you know.”

I dodged the compliment and redirected the conversation to a question.

“What was your favorite part?”

“The end.”

“You know many people don’t like the ending. Joey didn’t. Which is funny considering... not funny, you know what I mean.”

“Yes, It was fascinating that death came the moment he accepted life. It was natural just like being with his lover. And he came back to him in death.”

“He may have been hallucinating.”

“But does it matter?”

“What?”

“If he saw him, he was there. The eyes see true only what the mind believes.”

I really sat with that. I thought about all my episodes. All my hallucinations. They were real to me. Joey never accepted life so he took his own. Maybe if I accept what’s happening to me as the inner workings of my own mind I can change my own reality. I smiled at Oliver and kissed him.

“I hope in your reality you know that I love you and that you are everything to me. No one will ever hurt you again Oliver. I mean that.”

He hugged my warm body to him and breathed on my ear. A shiver ran through my body and suddenly I wanted him again. I wanted him in a different way then normal. 

“Do you like when I’m inside of you?”

Oliver smirked and kissed my earlobe.

“I do. But I know it makes you... nervous. We don’t have to do anything you don’t enjoy.”

“It’s not that I don’t enjoy it. My biggest fear is hurting you.”

“You don’t hurt me, love.”

We kissed while he scratched my back tenderly. He bit my lip then spoke into my mouth.

“The soup is gonna get cold.”

“I don’t care.”

I straddled his lap and told him with my eyes just how much that conversation meant to me. 

“Thank you for sharing that with me. I know how difficult it can be.” 

He nodded and seemed to loose himself in his own thoughts.

“Elio I want you to know... I understand that you still suffer even though it was over a year ago. What happened with my father was over ten years ago and it still haunts me. We can talk to each other. You never have to pretend you’re ok or sane, not with me.”

I exhaled a sigh of relief and hugged him to me. I thought about how lucky I felt in this moment. How can one person make you feel like you have your entire life ahead of you?

“You know what my therapist told me?”

He looked at me as if to silently say, yes?

“That depression is when you’re living in the past and anxiety is when you’re living in the future. Many people with trauma are living in a constant push and pull from one to the other. The exhaustion can really break people down.”

He smoothed his hands down my arms. 

“So what’s the solution?”

“To try your best to live in the present. To not worry about the past and to not stress about the future. I wanted to tell her my theory about time being relative but I think that messes up the entire analogy.”

He giggled in my neck and kissed my jaw.

“You’re too smart for your own good.”

I laughed then scratched my nails through his hair. I felt like a little monkey when we both just sat and groomed each other with our fingers.

“So Elio, What do you want right now? In this present moment? Someone very recently just told me it may be all that matters.”

I smiled at him and couldn’t help showing my teeth. 

“I want you.”

Somehow my intention of raw sex appeal got washed away by my tears.

“Oh, hey... look at me. You have me. You already have me.”

How did he always know what to say to ground me but also lift me up. 

“So take me to bed.”

Oliver lifted me up in his arms with ease and walked me towards our room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also I HIGHLY recommend A Single Man by Christopher Isherwood and the film directed by Tom Ford. Both amazing


	57. His Man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty we are moving the story right along folks! Here’s a little something we’ve all been waiting for and I hope you enjoy!

Oliver placed me on the bed and got down on his knees in front of me. We were face to face. I took his neck in my hands. He had light patches of stubble that I rubbed through my fingers. He did the same to me. I leaned in and we kissed while we both held on to each other. I could feel his heartbeat in his neck and I thought about our first night together. How I wanted to jump inside of his skin and be one with him. How I was so feral with lust that I wanted to rip my heart out and stick it on to his. This feeling was so heady and overwhelming and it was worth everything. All the pain and trauma was ok with me because this is what I got to experience. My love in my hands, and me, melting to pieces in his. 

“Elio?”

I blinked the water out of my eyes and looked at his glassy blue ones. 

“Yes?”

“I never thought this feeling was possible and... I want you to know that I’m so thankful for you. Really, my entire world has changed since I met you. In all the best ways. You’re my angel, baby.”

I let another tear fall from my eyes and I sniffled slightly. 

“Oliver I...”

I couldn’t find the words because of how much emotion was running through my veins. My vocal cords weren’t working so I just hugged his naked chest to mine. His body swallowed me immediately and engulfed me in warmth and safety. He rubbed my back and kissed my neck. I felt my body start to warm when his lips connected with my body. 

“I want you to make love to me.”

The voice was so quite and shy I didn’t know if it was coming from my lips. When I looked up at his expression, I knew he had said it. Why was I ever scared of this? Of having Oliver the way he has had me? I didn’t want to hurt him. I had so much anxiety about harming Oliver, in any way. But my fear of giving too much resulted in me holding back from so much. Oliver was safe and I trusted him with everything. I needed to trust myself and that I had the same level of care for him. I was certain of this. Somehow I knew the way Oliver was looking at me, is the way I feel about him. 

“Yes.”

Oliver smiled at me as if he knew what that one word meant for me. I flipped him over gently and started to kiss his cheeks and neck. I was in this position so many times that I knew what felt the best. However, I had to remember that Oliver is not me. We love each other equally but that doesn’t mean what feels good for me will feel good for him. Suddenly anxiety flew through my bones and I had to steal a glance at him to see if this entire time had been horrible for him. I lifted my forehead from his abdomen and looked up a him in question. I was surprised when I didn’t even get to meet his eyes. His hair was stuck to the pillow and his eyes were shut in pleasure. I smiled to myself and continued kissing his lower stomach. 

“What are you thinking about?”

I continued rubbing his thighs and kissing each muscle as I spoke. 

“I was confident in my abilities for a second then lost it. It’s ok now.”

Oliver nodded as if to say, “thank you for being honest.” 

I put my palm on his boxer shorts and lightly tugged on him. He hissed beautifully then placed his hand on my wrist. He was so much larger than me. This was a different kind of erotic feeling that I had never experienced before with Oliver. I was in complete control of his ecstasy. He knew it and I knew it. I also knew that he had never been in this position before. Had Oliver ever been in subspace? My loins tingled at the thought. I’ll bring him there, I know I can. I kissed his cock over his boxers and I watched pre cum soak through the material.

“Elio...”

It was such a high pitched whine I couldn’t believe it was coming from the golden god beneath me. I could tell my name was a plea. A soft whisper of his insecurities that this all felt too good. I only had one response.

“I know. I got you.”

I lowered his boxers down his legs and ran my nose through the hair. I licked various veins in his legs then settled between them. He reached for my hair and lightly tugged. I smiled at the fact that he still wanted to present his strength to me. Oliver knew my weaknesses well. I moaned against him and licked him slowly. He actually scooted back slightly. 

“I know. Relax.”

His hips went slack in my hold before I pulled him back to my mouth. He looked at me in want and shock as I sucked the skin there. As if lightning struck through my skull. I realized that Oliver might be scared. I thought back to our conversation about his father. Yes he’s larger than me and could probably over power me. But I knew this level of intimacy and potential PTSD might be battling with his lust. 

“Do you trust me?”

Oliver breathed deeply and responded in a quick huff.

“Of course.”

I nodded and started to rub my tongue on each indent of his ass. He grabbed my hair and the bed sheets then yelped. I knew I was going too slow and I couldn’t keep this up much longer. I started to finally lick and prod him with pressure as I opened him up. 

“You gotta... stop.”

I pulled off him so fast I almost fell back and he laughed kindly.

“No, goose. I’m ok, I was gonna cum.”

I laughed with him and suddenly we were holding each other and he was on top of me. 

“Let’s catch you up with me.”

I laughed in the back of my throat and coughed. I giggled when he tickled my sides and covered my eyes with my arm. Before I could look at him I felt his mouth on me. 

“You know I was already caught up with you now you’re just trying to... fuck!”

He deep throated me so I would stop trying to argue how hard I was. All my giggles stopped when he licked my cock with his eyes connected to mine. I could barely see the blue in his eyes. His pupils were dilated so far it looked like he was on drugs. I smiled at him and leaned down for him to come back to me. His lips were wet with my cock juices and he smelled like pine and sweat. I flipped us over while our tongues were roaming over each other’s. I put a pillow underneath the small of his back.

“Using my tricks against me.”

I grabbed the lube from the floor and warmed it up in my fingers while the other massaged his cock.

“Sei pronto il mio amore.”

“Fuck...”

Oliver actually leaked on my hand when he heard me switch to Italian. I hadn’t spoken it much around him. If I knew it affected him this way I would have only spoken in Italian and forced him to learn. 

“Stai per aprirti per me.”

I knew Oliver couldn’t understand me which made me a little more daring in what I spoke. I also felt another persona overtake me once the language rolled off my tongue. I was confident and maybe even a little arrogant. I smirked at that thought. 

“Please...”

My mindset switched immediately to how wrecked Oliver looked. I realized he needed to know what I was saying. I got carried away with my cheekiness. I wanted this to be tender and for him to not feel insubordination. I kissed him and pulled apart to whisper in his mouth as my nose brushed his.

“You still with me?”

“Yah. I want you.”

I smiled and started to rub the head of my cock around his wet hole. He leaned his neck back for me to suck on while I played with his entrance. Once I felt him spread further for me I pushed into him slowly. He was so tight I saw stars. He took my face in his hands and bloomed underneath me. His entire body relaxed as I fully pushed into him. Thankfully I wasn’t as big as Oliver. That did hurt but he did everything that he could to make it feel amazing. I wanted to do all those things for him. I kissed him, I rolled my body just where I knew he needed it, I rubbed his nipples and cock softly. Time stood still as we thrust against each other. 

“Elio.... so good...”

I rolled his balls between my nimble fingers as he pumped his cock. 

“Don’t.”

He obeyed immediately and shoved his hands into the sheets. I stroked his prostate quickly as I rubbed only the head of his cock. Oliver grabbed my back and pushed me on top of him while his cock spread slippery warmth between our stomachs. His body sucked me in and I couldn’t move. I let my cock pump into him until my entire soul was buried in this man. This man, who changed my entire life and allowed me to finally give something to someone else. 

“Thank you.”

Oliver breathed harshly underneath me and whispered in my ear before kissing it.

“No, thank you.”

We laughed until I started coughing again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sei pronto il mio amore - You are ready my love
> 
> Stai per aprirti per me - You’re about to open up for me


	58. His Panic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Hallows Eve! Shattered is going to be getting a lot more attention in the coming weeks. I’m going to try to space out my story telling a little better so it doesn’t seem like I’ve abandoned one story. Truth be told, when I get really into one point of view and journey it’s hard to switch. As always let me know what you think. This fic has about 10 chapter left(:

I quickly found out that the only thing I needed to keep my anxiety at bay was to stay in the cozy cottage. I told Oliver I would leave but I think he knew I didn’t want to. We snuggled by the fire and read each other poetry. He cooked such fabulous meals. I felt so immensely lucky to have him. We had shared many personal conversations over the past few days. I could tell we both felt raw and freshly wounded but we trusted each other. Our vulnerability showed a newfound strength. Oliver spoke softly over the jazz playing in the background of our dimly lit room. 

“Do you want to maybe go to dinner tonight. Christmas Eve and all?”

No. I didn’t. I didn’t want to leave. 

“Sure.”

“Great. We’ll have fun. See I knew you didn’t have a fever.”

He kissed me quickly and hurried off to shower. I had been in the bath all afternoon and he knew I wouldn’t want to get my hair wet again. My heart melted at how well we had come to understand each other. I dressed quickly and cascaded my hands over my hipbones as I fastened my belt. Fuck. I still look disgusting. Don’t cry. Don’t be pathetic. 

“Hey...”

I looked up to see a towel clad Oliver emerge from the bathroom. 

“Allergies.”

Oliver looked at me knowingly.

“We can stay in.”

“That’s all we’ve done. I feel terrible, I know you want to go out.”

He put his hands on the cuffs of my white polo shirt and smiled.

“I want to be with you. That’s all.”

“Let’s go. I’m fine.”

I didn’t want to go and I wasn’t fine, but I had to. Not even necessarily for Oliver but for me. I couldn’t live my entire life in a comfortable house with a loved one. I had barely left my house in the past year and hadn’t left the cottage once. He leaned down and put his ear right next to my neck. I thought he was going to kiss me but he just pulled me into a hug.

“Your heart is racing.”

He stepped back from me and kissed my forehead.

“Baby, we don’t have to go.”

“No we’re going to.”

I took his hand and led him to the car he had rented. He had used it to pick up groceries and supplies but I had never gone with him. Once we were both settled he nestled his hand in mind. I spoke once we started down the country rode.

“This reminds me of when you took me to meetings.”

He smiled and rubbed my palm with his thumb. I continued.

“Can’t stop thinking about Joey...”

I tear escaped my eye before I could get a grip on my emotions. Oliver chose to ignore it. I smiled at not having to explain myself.

“You know that’s all normal. I actually think you’re coping really well. All things considered...”

I nodded because I didn’t have the energy to argue. We pulled up to a small restaurant that was completely outdoors other than the kitchen. We sat right under a large vine that almost touched the chair next to Oliver. Our waiter brought us red wine and bread before I could even take a sip of water. I felt my heart thud once I realized that there wasn’t a bathroom. What if I needed to throw up? My stomach had just been in knots for weeks.

“Elio? You ok?”

“Yes.”

I took a sip of water and bit into a piece of bread to occupy my twitching hands. Oliver reached across the table and took one of my hands in both of his.

“Can you do me a favor?”

I connected my eyes with his and stopped moving.

“Look around at everyone. Doesn’t everyone here seemed relaxed? Carefree. It’s Christmas Eve, there’s only room for love and ease. If you don’t feel good, we can go home.”

I felt as if I was going to burst into tears at the table. I hated that I still felt so pathetic because of my constant anxiety. It seemed like I was melting in my chair. I didn’t even know if I could stand. I felt two tears fall just like in the car, except this time Oliver saw. He rubbed my palm and spoke quietly.

“Breathe. Just like we practiced.”

I inhaled for five seconds, held it, then exhaled. It didn’t feel like it helped. Suddenly I started thinking about my medication. It’s probably not working. Nothing had felt like it worked. The anti-anxiety meds help but only for a limited amount of time and I always end up sleeping. I wanted to cry harder. I wanted to open my mouth and let out a wail. Poor Oliver. He had just let me see and feel every piece of him only hours ago and now I couldn’t even hold myself together. I was an embarrassment. How could he ever desire me? I thought about Oliver’s dad. I thought about me asking Oliver to hurt me before the trip. I thought about me in panties and Oliver being worried that I was still sore from when he handled me too roughly. That was my fault. Did I ever apologize for that? I thought I was sick and dying only days ago. I really did. Was I? Maybe that’s why I still feel like my skin is crawling.

“Drink some water.”

I did then continued letting my mind race. Sitting in the candle lit meadow I felt just as disgusting as when the men tackled me to the ground. I inhaled again only to be met with the same scent of flowers. I involuntarily gasped and held my mouth. 

“Ok, we’re leaving.”

Oliver got out of his chair so fast it startled me. He scooped me up into one of his arms and led me to the car. Once we were inside I started to cry like I wanted to. He rubbed my back and started the car.

“I’m.... so... sorry... I-“

“Oliver.”

He took my cheek in his hand and looked at me sincerely.

“It’s ok.”

I spoke Elio through my tears. Again, the sound of my own name reminded me of who I was, what I’ve been through, and the strength I was capable of. I took a deep breath and leaned in to kiss Oliver. 

“Can we just walk around the city?”

“You sure you don’t want to just go sleep?”

“Yes. I need to challenge myself a bit more. I want to try to not have a panic attack everywhere I go.”

He looked down to the steering wheel then back at me.

“I know. But you don’t need to conquer an entire disorder tonight.”

I really thought about that then nodded. 

“I really just want to hold you.”

It was shocking to me that Oliver could still make me blush so quickly. He grasped my hand to give me tactile support as he drove away from the city.


	59. His Ache

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone it’s me with an update! This story should not include New York. If anything that will be a part two. Hope you all enjoy the chapter and as always I just melt when I read your comments. Much love!

I hated how often I couldn’t breathe properly. I was so scared. I knew I was with Oliver and that I was safe but I felt my trauma everywhere. It felt as if a blanket of pain draped itself over my body. I remembered the pain the men caused my body so vividly. Why right now? I was healed. I was physically completely fine other than some scars. Why could I still not function? In five months it would be a year since it happened. I guess it hasn’t been that long. What was incredible about being in fear was how time stood still and dragged on all together. 

“You still with me over there?”

I looked over at Oliver and nodded. I knew it wasn’t a proud acting moment. He knew I wasn’t ok. My face felt pouty, I knew I wore my emotions freely. Sometimes I wished I didn’t. 

“Yah, I’m fine.”

“No you’re not.”

He wasn’t upset or angry he just seemed... sad. I rubbed his knee and forced a smile. 

“Being here... I feel... I don’t know I’m just reliving a lot of things and I don’t know why.”

“Things? The rape you mean?”

“I hate it when you say that. Why do you have to say it out loud-“

“Because I know you! I know what’s going on and I’m not going to stumble my way around asking you if you’re having a flashback right now.”

I sniffled.

“No, it’s more physical... my body just aches. It’s like... I feel like it happened recently- as if it was only days ago...”

I put my hand to my throat and felt the scared flesh. The dull ache of malnourishment ran through my bones as we pulled up to the house. I walked in before Oliver could open up my door and carry me. Once we were both inside he tried to pull me in for a hug.

“No... I don’t want to be touched right now.”

I couldn’t explain the itch running through me but it was making me agitated.

“Elio I think these meds aren’t working. I’ll call but you’ve just been off the last few days.”

I did feel slightly sick as well. 

“I might have a fever I don’t know.”

I paced back and forth in the small cottage as Oliver lit a fire. I stared at how handsome he looked. I couldn’t believe he chose me. He floated over to me and kissed my forehead.

“Well let’s have you get out of those clothes so I can check your temperature.”

He didn’t say it with a sexualized tone. I knew he was comfortable with my nakedness in a non intimate way. Once I was striped he felt my neck and chest. I instantly started to relax. This was a great idea. I went from hyperventilating in the car to feeling relaxed and adored as my lover slowly placed his cold hands on my warm body. 

“You feel pretty hot. Am I cooling you down?”

He placed his palms on both my inner thighs which caused me to squirm. He kissed my stomach as he got on his knees to rub my feet. 

“Get out of your head for a little. Ok? Just be here with me.”

He massaged my ankles as he kissed one delicately before standing. 

“I’m here.”

I felt Oliver’s giggle in the base of his chest. I loved hearing how deep his voice was, how strong his chest felt, his hands on my back, his lips on my neck. I took a deep breath and allowed my body to go limp. Oliver brushed my hair back and spoke softly in my ear.

“There you go. You did it. It’s over.”

I smiled knowing that he was right. I survived that. Panic attacks are terrifying but they always end. I needed to remember this feeling of personal accomplishment. I wanted to reward Oliver for helping me. Bad. I craved to see him take control of my body the same way he just helped my anxiety. I wanted to give myself up to him desperately. I trusted him more than I trusted my own mind. However, I did allow myself be proud for attempting to go out. 

“Can you take me to bed?”

Oliver smiled before picking me up quickly. Once he laid me down and undressed himself he spooned me to him tightly. I relaxed into his embrace.

“I’ll call about your meds tomorrow so don’t take them until I do.”

He’s probably right. I have been feeling terrible ever since starting. I also felt like my temperature was through the roof the other day. I felt Oliver’s hot breath on my skin and cold hands on my hips. I didn’t even remember allowing myself to make the sound I did but it was genuine. 

“Oh baby. I love when you make noise.”

I smiled and as always felt slightly self conscious. Oliver knew, he always knew how I was feeling. He rubbed my pores softly as I just breathed deeply into the pillow. It was nice not having to make eye contact. It always frightened me ever since the assault. I loved looking at Oliver, truthfully I did, but it was nice to close my eyes to get away from it all. Taking away my vision just seemed to calm me. Come to think of it, that is how I handled my assault. I just shut my eyes. I felt Oliver’s hand nudge my ass open lightly. I leaned in to him to let him know I was ok. It felt surprisingly good to have him rub me without lube or spit. He was placing feather light touches on the most intimate part of my body which suddenly made me feel very flush. I turned around. I was ready to face him. I needed to breakdown. 

“Thank you for today and I’m so sorry about this trip... just staying inside. I love you, but I understand if you don’t want to continue a relationship with someone so sick and traumatized. I get it. I love you and I want you to have-“

He placed his hands on my neck and stopped my train of thought.

“Love, please don’t doubt my love for you. Not after everything. Today didn’t bother me at all. I’m only worried. And I’ve had an excellent time, I’ve never felt closer to you.”

That made me finally empty my tear ducts. He held me as I cried quietly. I could feel my tears seeping into his chest hair. I leaned down to lick it. I loved the hair on his face... I wanted to feel it on my thighs.

“Wow... what’s that look? Tell me what you thought. Exactly as you thought it. No embellishing.”

“I looked at your stubble and thought about it between my thighs.”

He smiled at me wickedly then descended down my body. He was so much larger than me I still got caught off guard every once in awhile. He noticed and placed a soft kiss to my lips. He would never hurt me. I allowed that prayer to be repeated over and over in my overactive brain. He won’t hurt me. He won’t hurt me. He won’t hurt me. He won’t hurt me. 

“Baby, Elio... love, look at me.”

I peeled my eyes open and felt the tears run down my temples. 

“I’m not going to hurt you.”

I audibly sobbed at the fact that he knew exactly what I was thinking. Again he pulled me up into a hug and sat me over his thighs. I took comfort in the care his hands took to rub my back. But I also felt his hard flesh underneath my hole. It felt good. I swayed my hips to try to feel more of him against me. He laughed in my ear then sucked the lobe. I gasped and shivered. That did something to him. He pulled back and looked at me with such adoration I felt unworthy. 

“I love you.”

I kissed him. I loved him too. He knew it, but I couldn’t say it. I couldn’t cry anymore or I’d get a headache. Somehow I knew he knew that too because he smiled into the kiss. He laid down and guided my hips on his center simultaneously. After a quick shudder of pleasure ran through me he flipped me so I was on my hands and knees and he was behind me. I felt his stubble on my lower back. I looked back and smiled at him. He spit inside me and then connected the entire pad of his tongue to my entrance. I fell forward and cried out. I needed my lover, my best friend, my soul mate. I wanted whatever he had to give me. Whether it was his mouth, fingers, tongue, words, smile, cock, moans, cum, or praise... I wanted it all. I felt him breech me with two fingers. He knew I liked when it slightly stung. 

“Ahhh...”

He held my hips up with one arm while he continued. I knew I was a writhing mess but I didn’t care. I was too tired to care. Once he started pumping me I started to feel the ache of desire. The type of ache that only a man can feel for another man. I wanted him so deep inside me that I could feel it in my toes. I was so wet I could feel the spit leak down his face and my thighs. 

“So wet Elio... you look so beautiful... your ass... god...”

He rubbed my ass then slapped it playfully. I moaned automatically. I looked back at how hard he was. I wanted him in my mouth. I wanted to gag and slobber all over him. I had to voice what I wanted. I needed to be brave for Oliver.

“I want you in my mouth.”

Oliver stood and guided my neck to the end of the bed. I swallowed him eagerly while never breaking eye contact. I wanted to see him fall apart as my jaw ached. And it did, quickly. This was my favorite type of pain. The only kind that made me really hard. My throat was on fire, my chin was drenched, and my lips were tingling. I was in heaven. Oliver leaned forward so he could touch my hole. I didn’t anticipate to groan on his cock but I did then smiled when I felt it twitch in my mouth.

“Yah... gasp on me baby... daddy’s got you.”

That made me moan and him twitch all over again. I couldn’t take it anymore. I popped him out of my mouth and spoke between sharp intakes if air.

“Need you... inside.. me.”

Oliver pulled my hair back as he lined himself up. I was waiting for him to pull my hair. It didn’t hurt, it felt amazing. He rubbed my scalp as he brought my hips flush against his pelvis. I moaned at being so full, so full of Oliver. 

“Move your hips.”

I rotated myself on him at his request as he stayed still. It felt amazing to put him exactly where I needed him most as he fought to not hitch himself forward.

“You’re killing me Elio... fuck, kiss me.”

I swiveled and felt his tongue breech me possessively. We locked lips as he made love to me. I felt his combination of love and lust for me in my veins. He found my special spot deep inside of me and after three thrusts I felt my cock spill on the bed sheets. I collapsed then felt his hands wrap around my chest and lift me as he filled me with his warm cum. I was floating. I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t really open my eyes either. I wasn’t scared, I was so relaxed and full of bliss. I felt Oliver lay me down then was met with his nails scratching my back soothingly. Sleep wrapped around me before I could tell him just one more time that I loved him.


End file.
